to be upset DM left 9 week old alone all night...

[kiki22]

DS stayed over with my mum last night for the first time he is 9 weeks i know some may say this is to early and why would i want my baby to stay away but i am happy with him staying with his grandparents over night so don't need any advice on that it's what happened last night that i'd like opinions on.

When DS is at home he goes up to the bedroom to his crib about 7 and stays there alone untill i go to bed about 10 with the baby monitor on then is in the room with us the rest of the night. My mum has a bedroom for my niece at her house which isn't used as DN sleeps with DM the plan last night was to settle DS in the kids room and DN in DMs room then swap them at DS 12am feed i was ok with this as DSD would be awake until then.

What actually happened was at 12 they decided not to move the kids incase DN (5) woke up as 'she would be up for ages' at first i thought DSD co-slept in the single bed with DS which i wasn't very happy with anyway since he had his pram he could have slept in as need be but then i was told actually DM DSD and DN all slept together while DS slept down the hall on his own all night apart from his 12 and 4 feeds.

I am so upset not only because of the risks of cot death or any major problem that are unlikely but the thought of my tiny baby waking up all alone during the night. He quite often wakes and moans a little to be settled so even tho it didn't happen if he did wake he would have had to cry loud enough to wake someone sleeping in another room to be comforted by which point he would be very upset. AIBU or would you be upset to? I said something earlier which was brushed off but really feel like i need to tell her it's not acceptable and would like an apology tbh.

Why is
Leaving a young baby a big deal anyway?

I left my six week old with my mum because

1. DH was sick as a dog
2. I was exhausted
3. I have a happy healthy little baby who gives her Grandma a ridiculous amount of smiles
4. if my Child is happy I am happy.

She slept exactly the same there as she did here. DH didn't have to worry about spreading his germs and I got a bit of sleep

Every baby is different and the judgey people on this thread are awful.

Is the baby OK? Yes. If you don't like it, do it yourself.

Given that your mother brought you up successfully, she probably is more than competent. Maybe learn a few lessons from her, eh?

And go on, demand an apology. That will really motivate her to help you in future.

If you're happy to leave your baby, who the hell cares? No-one. But if you come on here complaining about how someone else looks after your newborn, don't be surprised when people suggest you do it yourself. Kind of obvious, don't you think?

callmemrs Yes, the advice did change, in response to research. And since the change in advice the rate of deaths from SIDS has dropped.

It's not changed on a whim for no reason.

Flisspaps- yes, advice changes on the basis of research. That's my whole point. It changes fairly frequently. Who is to say what the 'rules' will be when our children are giving birth to our grandchildren? For all we know, the advice about sleeping/weaning etc may well have done a complete u turn. These things are not unchanging and set in stone.
I just can't see how someone coming on here and saying that a baby below 6 months should never be left to nap alone, is helpful. Even if you choose to follow that 'guideline'- does the risk then disappear when you stick the baby in its own room at 6 months and one day??

Pointing out well researched expert guidelines is NOT scaremongering. If some people wish to believe that it is to validate their parenting choices then that's up to them. Alternatively, following said guidelines or stating that it would seem risky not to is not being judgmental and should not be fair game for criticism.

I don't really see the problem with a young baby sleeping over with GPs occasionally - tbh, it's not that different to spending the night with dad. To the baby, anyone other than mum will smell strange but it will adjust.

I agree OP that your mum should listen to your request - especially as the sleep over was at her request - and at least let you know if she doesn't plan to follow your instructions. But, I can also see it from her perspective - you have already taken the decision to let your baby sleep alone for 3 hours per night so I guess, to her, going the whole night didn't seem much different. I think, from her point of view, it's the inconsistency that is confusing, IYSWIM. One rule for the first three hours and another for the rest of the night, even though the SIDS risk is exactly the same.

I think it's good to discuss your expectations with your mum in future. But, as others have suggested, perhaps the better solution is that baby sleeps in the same room as an adult all night. That way, you can simply tell her that you are following the SIDS advice and that you expect her to do the same?

Mumsnets getting weird, everyone's agreeing!
Yabu, your baby was fine. You can't expect other people to do exactly what you would.
She raised your dp & had the Other grandchildren, I assume they're all okay?
You made it sound like she went out. If you don't like the way she looked after him, don't leave him.

can someone explain to me how you never leave a sleeping baby on its own. Does this mean the mother has to go to bed at the same time as the baby, or do you have to have cots in various rooms? What happens if they are asleep in their cot/pushchair and you need to go to the toilet, answer the door, go and see another DC in a different room, do you have to wake them first? Or do you have to have them permanently in a sling?

If you follow the SIDs guidelines that closely I assume you can never leave your little one with someone else for the first 6 months?

What a ridiculous statement, there has to be a line drawn somewhere otherwise no advice could be given. It's like saying - people are no better emotionally equipped to have sex once they turn 16 so they should be allowed to have sex from when they are born. After all what's the difference between sixteen, and sixteen and one day. None! Of course, but a line has to be drawn. Same as the advice for a baby sleeping alone. And until you've researched it properly or had the tragic misfortune to be affected by it then it would probably do you good to keep your outdated opinions to yourself.

Toomuchlaundry- spot on!

No toomuchlaundry, of course you can go to the toilet, leave the room etc, they just shouldn't be allowed to sleep alone and get into 'too deep' a sleep, as their tiny systems may be unable to rouse from episodes of sleep apnoea that all babies suffer from. Essentially their bodies 'forget' to breathe and it is a parents breathing, movements etc which 'remind' them.

I had to leave dd2 with my parents when she was 8 days old. For two whole nights!

Surely if you completely trust the caregiver then its fine?

thank you lilblonde
That was a genuine question.

When DS was a baby, the guidelines were that you should sleep in the same room for first six months, but no details of the reasoning behind the guideline were given

If my dc slept in my room for six months, I wouldn't sleep for 6 months

She has a tendency to go 'hah! Oooo! Squeak! Squark!'

For the ahem two weeks she was in my room I was knackered even though she was actually asleep and sleeping well!

I'm sure at one point I dosed off and she actually said 'I don't think so mummy.'

I may have been hallucinating at that point though

I think it's good to discuss your expectations with your mum in future. But, as others have suggested, perhaps the better solution is that baby sleeps in the same room as an adult all night. That way, you can simply tell her that you are following the SIDS advice and that you expect her to do the same?

I think if my kids tried that with their PFB I would tell them that in future they can sleep with the child themselves.

I didn't let either of mine sleep anywhere but with me until they were about 2. (not in the same room after 6 months, but the same house) Even now it's a rare occasion. I couldn't have left a nine-week-old with anyone. And yes, until about 4 months they were with me every time they slept, other than popping to the loo or to shower. Not judgement, but my opinion: unless it is totally necessary (e.g. illness, hospital, prison) I think it is downright peculiar to be away from your tiny baby for so long. Not to mention against WHO advice.
Your mother, on the other hand was doing the best she could and if you don't like it, don't leave the baby there overnight.

So much of teh latest "research 2 seems either to:

• take an infinitesimally small risk, blow it up into Oooh Scary, then suggest a remedy that turns it into a slightly less infinitesimally small risk

• seems to deliberately wind axious mums up with Oooh Scary, and then dangle a solution (book, product etc) as The Answer.

One upon a time young mothers realised their own mothers knew more than them about childcare, now its too often the opposite. Also, the early 21st century Western world is not a high risk environment.

Well its not latest research, its been said for many years. And as folk science, its been known for millennia. In most cultures until very recently babies always slept with their mothers, right next to them. Sometimes we need scientific research to back up what is patently obvious to anyone.

If you don't want to do it, don't, nobody cares. But you not liking it doesn't make it any less true.

kayano please don't take this as criticism as its absolutely not, but sacrificing a proper nights sleep for six months or so is, IMO, a small sacrifice to make to ensure the safety and well being of our tiny humans who are wholly dependent on us to ensure their health and happiness. The reason that parents (particularly mums) don't sleep well is to ensure that we will respond to their every noise (or, more importantly lack thereof). I don't understand why so many people (not you now kayano) are so quick to jump on anyone who is only, after all, looking out for their babies' best interests and trying to ensure that others are equipped with the knowledge and facts to do the same. What they do with that knowledge is entirely up to them. Like I said earlier, anyone who has had the misfortune to be affected by infant mortality won't see anything I've said as scaremongering, judging or otherwise trying to upset anyone.

I have to admit Kayano I put my DS in his room after 3 months as he was a very noisy sleeper, and even though he was sleeping through I was not The only time I did sleep properly was when he was very quiet.

The sleep deprivation was getting me down, and DH and I took the decision that it would be better if he selpt on his own, as I was not being a very good mum, and my thinking was that if something, god forbid, happened to DS in the night that would have been the only time I was asleep and I wouldn't have known.

Once he was on his own DS seemed to sleep much more quietly (as I had the monitor turned up as high as I could!) and for longer, which I took to be a good thing, but now knowing that meant he was in a deep sleep it obviously wasn't.

scenarios given as 'legitimate' reasons for being away from a baby.
How about work??

In many parts of the world, maternity leave is much shorter than in the uk so mothers will be working again before 6 months.
Indeed, ML in the uk has only recently been up to one year, so many of us were working again by the time our babies were 12 weeks so could not have kept them close by us while napping

Of course, one of the advantages of being an old hand at this (I'm mid 40s and my kids are almost grown up) is that we can see there are downsides and upsides to every situation.
Eg : separation anxiety peaks at about 9-12 months, so although staying off work for longer may tick some of those WHO guidelines about not letting your baby nap without you, it also makes it worse for the baby in some ways.

Swings and roundabouts isn't it. By all means read up on the guidelines, but if you become a slave to trying to follow every single one you'll probably end up going insane (and having an insane mother is NOT good for a baby!)

Well as you're mid forties callmemrs you are obviously the oracle on all things parenting and you and your child rearing are/have been exempt from ever following guidelines or advice from those stupid, precious experts who carry out years and years of research! Well I'm pleased for you, congratulations!

No, just living in the real world here, and not interested in trying to win 'best mummy' prize by crowing about how I've never been more than 6 inches away from my children for the last decade ......