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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset DM left 9 week old alone all night...

341 replies

kiki22 · 09/04/2012 20:00

DS stayed over with my mum last night for the first time he is 9 weeks i know some may say this is to early and why would i want my baby to stay away but i am happy with him staying with his grandparents over night so don't need any advice on that it's what happened last night that i'd like opinions on.

When DS is at home he goes up to the bedroom to his crib about 7 and stays there alone untill i go to bed about 10 with the baby monitor on then is in the room with us the rest of the night. My mum has a bedroom for my niece at her house which isn't used as DN sleeps with DM the plan last night was to settle DS in the kids room and DN in DMs room then swap them at DS 12am feed i was ok with this as DSD would be awake until then.

What actually happened was at 12 they decided not to move the kids incase DN (5) woke up as 'she would be up for ages' at first i thought DSD co-slept in the single bed with DS which i wasn't very happy with anyway since he had his pram he could have slept in as need be but then i was told actually DM DSD and DN all slept together while DS slept down the hall on his own all night apart from his 12 and 4 feeds.

I am so upset not only because of the risks of cot death or any major problem that are unlikely but the thought of my tiny baby waking up all alone during the night. He quite often wakes and moans a little to be settled so even tho it didn't happen if he did wake he would have had to cry loud enough to wake someone sleeping in another room to be comforted by which point he would be very upset. AIBU or would you be upset to? I said something earlier which was brushed off but really feel like i need to tell her it's not acceptable and would like an apology tbh.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/04/2012 00:35

Lilblonde - exactly.

jifnotcif · 10/04/2012 00:45

I am so upset not only because of the risks of cot death or any major problem that are unlikely but the thought of my tiny baby waking up all alone during the night.

Another person would think "I am so glad that my tiny baby is able to sleep alone during the night"

Reading between the lines I think you are saying "I am so jealous that DM is able to look after 3 children on her own that aren't even hers, and get a good night's sleep at the same time"

An alternative reading would be "I am so grateful to have a mother that will look after my baby of 9 weeks and keep him safe, warm, loved and healthy".

Get a grip woman. Move on.

jifnotcif · 10/04/2012 00:48

she knew if she asked me to come with the monitor even at 12 it would have happened

... are you saying you didn't leave the monitor with her?

Aribura · 10/04/2012 04:19

DM was totally unreasonable. Everyone knows thesedays that if you don't hover over the crib at all times, the baby sets on fire/gets cancer/dies somehow. I recommend not letting her have him anymore.

thatisall · 10/04/2012 04:25

Aribura that did make me lol

thatisall · 10/04/2012 04:26

OP I know you say you are fine with your decision to eave your 9 week old ds overnight but you seem to be intent on finding a reason why your dm can't possibly look after him again? Are you sure you aren't just feeling uncomfortable with leaving him?

LilBlondePessimist · 10/04/2012 05:59

And all parents who are cautious and follow expert guidelines and safety measures are paranoid, precious, overbearing, helicopter freaks. Not a helpful or sensitive comment to anyone who has been affected by or close to SIDS or infant mortality. Very mature and witty though eh? Sad

ilikecandyandrunning · 10/04/2012 07:09

I am Hmm at the ignorance of many as to
Why a baby under 6 months should be in the same room as mum. I too
Think the op is U for leaving such a small baby away for the night. I also wonder why she isn't breastfeeding - bf also reduces the possibility of
SIDS as well as being so much better in numerous ways.

exoticfruits · 10/04/2012 07:17

You have to accept that if someone looks after your baby, when you are not there, you do not have control.

DialMforMummy · 10/04/2012 07:23

Supportive then ilike candy?
OP, YABU and a bit precious I am afraid.

StrandedLindtBunny · 10/04/2012 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilBlondePessimist · 10/04/2012 08:57

It doesn't 'make' you anything, strandedlindt, but neither does it detract from the fact that your very young baby would have possibly yearned for your smells, sounds etc. Obviously if I had had to send any of my sons to their father's then I would have but I would only have done it for overnights at that age if I was forced. Although aren't you being just a tiny bit confrontational, hey?

Finallygotaroundtoit · 10/04/2012 09:00

The Sids risk when a non smoking / no drugs/ breastfeeding mother cosleeps with her baby is minimal. And it's what all mammals do.

Everything thing else - separation / other carers / smoking / alcohol / bottle feeding all increase the risk.

Denying that these things don't have any affect is misleading. It prevents people from being able to make their own 'risk assessment'

SaggyHairyArse · 10/04/2012 09:00

I would say that maybe you need to have her come to your house to babysit if you want things done your way.

snapsnap · 10/04/2012 09:02

YABU
My advice is leave it be. She was doing what her generation did and until you feel your baby is more robust then dont leave it with anyone else.
Incidentally I moved both mine into their own rooms at 3 months. I heard every whimper so I doubt your baby was crying alone

diabolo · 10/04/2012 09:04

Lord - I must be a dreadful parent Blush

TandB · 10/04/2012 09:15

I think you would be most unreasonable to demand an apology. The standard of care wasn't terrible, it just wasn't exactly what you wanted for him. You either trust your mother to make sensible decisions for his care, or you don't and he stays with you.

I personally wouldn't want my young baby sleeping on his own in a room. DS1 did stay one night with GPs when he was a few weeks old (we were at a wedding if I remember correctly) but I knew MIL would have him in the room with her and would pick him up and cuddle or feed him whenever he wanted it.

Having said that, not everyone has the same view about room-sharing/co-sleeping and your mother made a reasoned decision that many, many people will think perfectly acceptable.

You have a ready-made excuse for the next time she wants him to stay over - it was a hassle this time so no thank you. A baby isn't a toy and your mother will just have to realise this - if there isn't a need for him to be away from his parents then it is probably best that he isn't. And I say this as someone who strongly believes in the involvement of extended family in raising children, and who has always been comfortable with DS1 staying with GPs when necessary. But then again MIL and FIL aren't weird enough to want to spend their nights getting up with a baby that isn't theirs! They are happy to do it if necessary, but it isn't exactly fun, is it?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/04/2012 09:15

strandedlindt - your situation was very different from the OPs, and from the vast majority of parents, so you shouldn't beat yourself up by comparing.
It is also not fair to be so confrontational when all people are trying to do is advise the OP.

McFluffster · 10/04/2012 09:20

Don't listen to it, op. Nine weeks isn't the end of the world. There are threads on here where people admit to never having left their fourteen year olds overnight so I think you can see what you're up against. People love to judge parents. Peculiarly enough, especially other parents. I think because sometimes everyone doubts themselves and so it's appealing to jump on any tenuous reason available to feel superior "Well I may have gone back to work / not breastfed / insert other guilt trip but at least I didn't do that." Bargaining. There's really no need and it isnt helpful to anyone. Glad you and baby are doing well. Grin

heliumballoons · 10/04/2012 09:28

I actually don't think your being that unreasonable.

Your mum offered/ asked to have DS - therefore yes but under these conditions is a fine answer. Especially if the answer would have been different had you of known about the arrangements. I wouldn't have been happy for a baby to be left alone and a 5yo to be co-sleeping - not because I disagree with co sleeping but because it's is well advertised the risks for a sleeping baby are greater.

I never had a baby monitor but DS splet in with me and DP until he was 5 months old. If he didn't then I would have had one.

As for leaving a 9 week old, meh, there 9 weeks - as long as the person caring for them would do it the same as you I don't see the isssue tbh.

Sorry about your grandad Sad

WatneyShed · 10/04/2012 09:44

Lord, you're a real bag of empathy ain't ya, LilBlonde Hmm

MickyDodger · 10/04/2012 09:48

A lot of people can't really empathise with leaving very tiny babies with others. Doesn't mean anything, but not all things can be easily empathised with. Why would you expect them to be?

You make your choices and you take the results. Its not really rocket science to suggest that if you don't like how someone looks after your child, do it yourself, is it?

LilBlondePessimist · 10/04/2012 09:50

Actually I can be, however I won't say that I believe anyone's choices are right/ones I would make, if I don't believe it to be true. Surely paying someone lip service is far worse than saying what I really think or feel. And tbh some of the comments (one in particular) regarding SIDS and risk to children vs 'precious' parents have been much more heartless than any of mine.

callmemrs · 10/04/2012 10:22

God I can't believe some of the judgemental posts on here

Op- you made a choice to leave your baby. He was perfectly well looked after. It may not have been exactly as you would have done it but tbh if you can only cope with things being done one way, then you need to do it yourself

As for the idea that a baby under 6 months should never be left to nap without an adult being there... I don't see how scaremongering is helpful. Parents do their best to care for their children in the best possible way within the context of real life. When you have several children, a job, other commitments etc etc it is not always possible to adhere to every 'rule' in the book. Oh and the rules change anyway. When I had my first baby the advice was to lay them face down to sleep. By the time I had my second, the advice was the complete opposite.

Originalplurker · 10/04/2012 10:23

U deer stand why/how you can feel like this, pfb but YABU

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