to be fed up with 'our' weekrnd routine.

[fullofregrets]

Every weekend since DS was born nearly three years ago this has been what DH has done:

Saturday: get up about 9.30, go and have cooked breakfast at his mum's, play golf all day, home about 5pm.

Sunday: lie in bed until 1ish, take DS to mil for Sunday lunch whilst I catch up housework, lie on sofa at mil's whilst she plays with DS. I know this is what he does as that he what he does if I ever go with them.

Today DH is still in bed despite saying we could go out for the day as a family which we never ever do. He will no doubt be there for several hours more.

The kind part of my brain thinks DH works long hours and is tired. The less kind part thinks DS has never slept through the night since born and DH has never once given me a night off or a lie in even in the early days after I'd had a c section.
Also DH never does anything with DS apart from take him to mil. He's never taken him swimming or to that park or anything. On the rare occasion I go out in the evening I have to wait for DS to go to sleep first as DH won't 'babysit.' If I ever complain DH says 'ok, we'll swap. You go out and work and I'll stay at home all day.'

AIBU to think DH should make more effort? If not for me then for DS. He's getting to the age now where he asks why daddy doesn't go anywhere with us.

But DS would say 'where's daddy gone?' every ten mins or so

That certainly wont last at this rate. One of the most useful bits of useful vocabulary that DS picked up when he started school was "loser" and he even managed to identify the right context in which to use it - clever boy!!!

The very best thing you could do is to leave this man - he doesn't love you and he doesn't respect you.

Why are you behaving as if he has a right to dictate where your ds spends every Sunday and as if his family are more important than your family?

They have all basically treated you like a breeding machine - you've produced the requisite baby and are of no importance as a person in your own right, and you are lying down and meekly taking it. I agree with the posters who've said it's time to grow a spine.

Start by saying that no, ds will not be spending every Sunday at his mum's house - he will now be going one Sunday in 3. The next Sunday he will be visiting your parents and the Sunday after that will be spent doing family activities.

Tell him that it is no longer acceptable to spend every Saturday playing golf. He can go once every 3 weeks.

If he doesn't start investing in this family, then you will leave him - you are pretty much a single parent as it is.

At least if you split up, he would get alternate weekends to see his ds and your own family might get a look in.

Agree with everyone else- stop being a martyr.

Neither you or your DS deserve to be treated like this, but you are allowing it to happen

I'd dump him for being a boring old fart waaay ahead of his time. Golf every weekend? Dull git.

Seriously, I'd not be able to put up with this. I don't usually say "leave the bastard" but please do leave him.

This is ridiculous and you know it. You now have a forum full of people agreeing with you.

Well done in having the courage to speak out about it here, I imagine that's taken some guts. I think, starting this weekend, you need to break the cycle. On Sunday, get up early before your lazy husband and go with your son to your parents for the day. Do whatever you want on the Saturday. Tell your parents whats going on, they can help you surely?

If I were you the first thing I'd be doing is getting my weekend with my son back under my control. Then decide what you want from your marriage.

I fail to see what your Ds gets from a relationship with a man like this, sorry, other than disappointment and always feeling second best to him and his hobbies.

Kids love their parents when they're little, doesn't mean their parents are good for them.

Please stop doing housework on Sundays and do something for yourself as a bare minimum. Consider booking things to do on a Sunday with Ds and invite mil along if you want to also break the cycle of such dull, repetitive weekends.

Good luck

completely agree with everything karmabeliever has said.

i can't get over the fact that your son has had to miss family events because your MIL expects to have him. is she for real? she's lucky she's not my MIL.

it goes without saying that your son should have a relationship with MIL and get quality time with her, but not at the expense of your parents. your idiotic MIL also needs to understand that you, DH and DS need quality time together some weekends, and she should be encouraging it.

please read all these replies and make things change, OP. you are not an idiot, you deserve respect and you deserve happiness.

How terrible for your DS to be ignored by his own father. If not for your sake, then at least think of your DS's feelings.

Your DH's lack of engagement and interest in you, your DS and your family unit is not normal and typical behaviour of parents who work long hours. Not even if the other parent is a SAH (silly comment Cosmos!).

Fwiw OP, my mil used to think that because she worked all week, and had plans with her partner/friends on Saturday, that she had a right to spend every Sunday round my house, so she could see her dgc. It used to drive me up the fucking wall, because I felt like I wa shaving to live my life according to her schedule. It's very easy for bad habits to quickly become ingrained.

On the bright side, it is surprisingly easy to break out of them too. You just can't see it because you are in a bit of a fog at the moment.

Once you make that first break and don't let dh take the baby to his mum on Sunday, the cloud will lift and you will see that you don't have to do anything. The choice is entirely yours - you just have to reach out and grasp the control over your life back.

This is all very sad.

Do you love him OP?

I bet your mil and husband cant believe that they've got away with this for so long. Poor you, op.

I feel very strongly that you need to decide on changes immediately, keep your own counsel and not engage in negotiations wi thdh or mil and reclaim the life you want for you and your son.

OK, so you haven't really got a husband, your DS hasn't really got a father - just some bloke who hangs around a bit and earns money.

So let him do that elsewhere, while you make a proper life for you and your son, where your son sees his dad and dad's family every other w/e and you get to call the shots the rest of the time.

Doesn't sound like you'd be losing much.

I don't usually tell women to leave their partners, but he sounds like an ass. He is totally taking you for granted and does not respect you at all.

I agree that you need to talk. Give him a timeline and if he doesn't change, leave. He is an appalling role model for your son and you both deserve better.

Good luck.

What a sad situation. I mostly feel sorry for the poor DS, having a dad who doesn't seem much interested in him :(

OP do you really genuinely think he loves him and wants to be a good dad, but really doesn't know how (due to his upbringing or whatever) or is afraid of getting it wrong? If so that can be fixed if he's willing to make the effort - starting with small things like maybe doing the bath/bedtime routine if he's home in time, dedicated time at the weekend for just the two of them together etc, so they can properly get to know each other, DH can get some confidence at being a hands-on dad.

If it's just laziness and lack of interest though, that's more difficult. Unless you can shock him into trying harder by telling him DS is starting to notice, and he risks his son growing up without any relationship with him. If even that doesn't motivate him, it really does seem like a hopeless case sadly.

Maybe then take a different angle, about splitting the workload fairly between you. A good starting point is the 'equal amounts of leisure time' one already mentioned. Presumably neither of you can have much leisure during the week if he works long hours and you're looking after DS and the home, but at weekends it should be split fairly.

If he won't make a bit of effort either for the sake of treating his wife with fairness and respect or for the sake of having a proper relationship with his son and giving the little boy a happy normal family life - then honestly I'm not sure you have much of a marriage or much of a family here. Sorry if it sounds harsh and unhelpful, but that's how it looks to me.

Oh and you need to stand up to your MIL a bit. It's great that she wants to spend time with her grandson, of course, but it's ridiculous to demand she 'has' him absolutely every Sunday without fail, with no exceptions for when you have family events or other plans. That's completely unreasonable, and she can not force you to do this.

If you told him that you can either go to marriage counselling or divorce, which would he go for?

OP, please don't put up with this any longer. I feel upset for you and your poor DS. How must he feel? What is he going to think when he looks back on his childhood?

OP, what a sad situation for you.

You make little mention of your own needs, why is that?

What would happen and what would your DH do if you went to your parents on a Sunday morning? Given he sleeps so late, you could just leave him a note? What's the worst that could happen?

He'd rather spend his weekends with his golfing buddies or his mum than his wife and he won't put his own DS to bed.

I'm utterly speechless.

He has one month to get his act together.
One night a week off bed time, two Saturday family outings, no golf, two Sunday outings, golf allowed.

No argument. If he won't comply golf clubs go on eBay.

No kidding he'd have got a divorce summons from me two years ago.

He sounds about 14 years old.

is your DH 13? he sounds like a rubbish husband and father. what you are describing is not normal and he clearly thinks only of himself and his own needs

monday to friday, I look after the kids and he does paid work with long hours and a long commute. I also do most of the cooking and housework but he might do bed time stories and bath time each day. it's his way of spending quality time with the children.

The weekend we share lie ins, quiet time without kids, chores and childcare equally. we always make sure we have lots of family time too. maybe a picnic out, a walk somewhere, catch up with family friends, parks, swimming, visit a cafe, paddling in the sea or some more expensive day trip if we can afford it.

Honestly, he sounds like an arse and yadnbu.

And I resent any FATHER saying he is BABYSITTING his own child.

My dp doesn't even say that about looking after ds and he's not ds dad and he doesn't even live with us.

I also resent the whole 'I work and you are just at home with the kids', I do both and trust me being at home is harder.

I really hope he's got plenty of other lovely qualities otherwise he should probably shape up or ship out.

I am struggling to see why you are in this relationship!

In fact I don't think you can even call it a relationship. You seem to be housekeeper and childminder not wife and partner.

However you facilitate this bad behaviour. I wouldn't put up with it for a second, and I don't see why you should. Ultimatum time indeed.

And I agree with a pp take his golf clubs and shove them where the sun doesn't shine put them in the nearest skip.