to be fed up with 'our' weekrnd routine.

[fullofregrets]

Every weekend since DS was born nearly three years ago this has been what DH has done:

Saturday: get up about 9.30, go and have cooked breakfast at his mum's, play golf all day, home about 5pm.

Sunday: lie in bed until 1ish, take DS to mil for Sunday lunch whilst I catch up housework, lie on sofa at mil's whilst she plays with DS. I know this is what he does as that he what he does if I ever go with them.

Today DH is still in bed despite saying we could go out for the day as a family which we never ever do. He will no doubt be there for several hours more.

The kind part of my brain thinks DH works long hours and is tired. The less kind part thinks DS has never slept through the night since born and DH has never once given me a night off or a lie in even in the early days after I'd had a c section.
Also DH never does anything with DS apart from take him to mil. He's never taken him swimming or to that park or anything. On the rare occasion I go out in the evening I have to wait for DS to go to sleep first as DH won't 'babysit.' If I ever complain DH says 'ok, we'll swap. You go out and work and I'll stay at home all day.'

AIBU to think DH should make more effort? If not for me then for DS. He's getting to the age now where he asks why daddy doesn't go anywhere with us.

Do your own family know and do they give you any support?

I am very concerned when you say that your mil is 'a bit full on' and that your dh sides with her.

And I agree with the posters who say bugger off and leave your DH to it for the day. Perhaps you've never given him that option. He'll probably just naff off over to his mums, but at least it'll get him out of bed.

you have to believe your husband is capable of looking after his son you cant not let him try and look after him op , so if he is watching tv then at least his dad is with him for an hour , do it more and more and eventually it should sink in that you are not a walk over ,

My parents are great but am aware they won't always be around so need to have my own family life with DS and DH. They do not like DH very much and to be honest I have not told them a lot of it because I know it upsets them. My mum especially gets upset with how little time DH spends with DS.

Mil has in the past made some outrageous requests which I won't say here but DH has left it to me to say no rather than saying no to her himself. He is very much still tired to the apron strings.

I believe he is capable of looking after DS. I just don't think he wants to. And I think he will ignore DS pretty much instead of playing with him or talking to him. Often he does not even acknowledge that DS has spoken to him, which upsets DS.

I'm shocked you have let this go on for so long.
He's a selfish arse. But you have let him be.

Oh you poor thing. My partner is also golf obsessed and has a tendency to see sunny weather and think '18 holes!' rather than 'day out with family!' so I sympathise, but I have to say that I wouldn't put up with him doing that much every weekend. He tends to get up with DS when he wakes on a Saturday morning, then go out to play 9 holes at around 8.30 so that he's home and able to do stuff with us by 11 or 12. Every month or so he does 18 holes (he's actually away on a golf break right now) but he checks first to make sure we don't have plans (and I'm fully expecting flowers or another treat when he gets home!)

Have you ever asked 'D'H to change his weekend routine? How did he react?

op, I think you need to find a hobby / activity for ds to do that involves weekends!
When do your family see ds? You mention that you have had to go without ds to your family occassions? How has that come about? Has your h said ds cannot go?
Does your h play golf with fil on a sat, then see him again on sunday with ds in tow?
Have you spoke to your h about this?

I am shocked that you just submit to your DS going to your ILs every weekend, even if your own family would like to see your DS for a special occasion!

Why the fuck are you putting up with that?

Oh, and do you think DS is big enough to get golf lessons? Or football? Or something else DH might be interested in? I don't think that he should only get to do the 'fun stuff', but it may help to get him a bit more engaged? DP can't wait until DS is big enough to go and play with him, and while I'd rather he did a few more of the nights now, I can't wait until I can use that time to go to a spa, or just read a book in peace!

They do not like DH very much

I'm not surprised.
If he were my SiL I wouldn't like him very much either.

Do you, OP?

Hi OP, just read your post. I would normally agree with posters who say leave him for the day etc. But i doubt it would work. He would just plonk the DS in front of telly, give him cereal/toast for breakfast & lunch and leave all the mess for when you came home. Then he would say it was really easy and you have a cushy life. I doubt he would see the difference between that and doing activities, tidying as you go and cooking nutritional food.

DP and i don't have DC yet (due Aug) but i have had to shatter his illusions of what life with me at home with a baby will be like. He has done the 'well i'll work and your job will be dc, but that will also be evenings and weekends etc' type talk and i have had to say absolutely not. Also i have stopped doing anything for him such as ironing. And now expect 50% of housework to be done by him.

I developed a tactic of sitting down whenever he did (which is why i'm on mn so much) and when he goes for a run, reading my book. He would say 'what are you doing' in a shocked voice, and i would explain. It took a while but now it's the norm.

I had to grow a thick skin and smile and keep light hearted thru the whinging and tantrumming. The other day he said 'when the babies born can i go off skiing for a week on my own' i said 'of course, and when you come back i will use the same budget to go away in the sun on my own and you can have the baby' he blustered 'that's not fair, i will be working and you wont so you wont need a holiday'!!! He soon saw the error of his statements!

The key is, they don't have to agree with it, they just have to accept it. I realised DP would never agree, and would slip back at any opportunity. To paraphrase 'the price of equality is constant vigilance'.

Sorry to go off on a tangent there but if you want to stay with him (do you?) and not be a drudge then you may have to toughen up.

good luck, you deserve better.

OP, he sounds like an arse but you seem to be entirely passively accepting that this is how life will be for all of you! Are you not able to assert your own opinion or desires in any way? I don't really understand, for example, why you can't say that you and DS are going to see your family one Sunday, for example

If your DH refuses to acknowledge DS when he speaks to him, upsetting your DS, then it's actually getting into emotional abuse territory. Which you are then enabling by keeping your DS in this situation.

How long are you going to let this go on? Your DH apparently doesn't want to change -- and why would he? He has no incentive to at all. No one is forcing him to.

You need to tell your DH that he needs to step up or your marriage will be over. I'm sorry but you can't really be thinking of subjecting your DS to this for years to come.

OP, why do you put up with not going to your parents at the weekends? Your parents have as much a right to see your DS as do your ILs.

I think you really need to sit down with your DH and have a proper talk. Don't namby-pamby around the subject. Think beforehand what you want to say. Make a list. Think of all the possible objections he will put. Put alternatives, like another poster above put - maybe 9 holes and not 18? Maybe one weekend his parents, one weekend, yours? If his are split up, then that's unfortunate. Perhaps every third weekend? One to MIL, one to FIL and one to your parents? I would also talk to your DH about what's going to happen in future to his and DS's relationship.

I think the fact that you haven't spoken to your own parents about this means that you know this sort of living isn't right. I do wish you luck in getting this sorted.

Interest in golf always a very bad sign in anyone under 60.

Your parents don't like your dh?
I wonder why that might be?

I tried telling DP that Schnitzel

How would your dh react if you told him that things had to change asap? What are you all doing for Easter, as a family?

Out of interest, does he ignore you as well as your ds (as in non communication, going off to his computer etc)?

You can't change your DH unless he wants to - you have to assume that this is the way he's going to be forever. The only thing you can change is yourself. So far you've been a complete doormat by accepting your DH's ridiculous conditions (such as having to put DS down before you go out) and by allowing his family to take precedence over your own. It's time to start putting your foot down. He has no respect for you, clearly, but it comes across that you also have very little respect for yourself. You allow yourself to be pushed around and you don't fight for what you want. Is there a reason for that?

I think you have a problem both with your DH and your MIL, and I assume your DH will never willingly break the cycle of seeing your MIL every Sunday.

Not only is it important that your DH has a good relationship with your DS it is important that you as a family (without ILs) have good quality family time together.

Is it possible to arrange some playdates/activities for your DS that happen on Sundays to help break the cycle of always seeing MIL on Sunday. Once that cycle is broken, hopefully you will be able to do more as family.

Could your DS see MIL during the week, so she gets "her fix" and then you don't have to see her every weekend?

Or can you go somewhere on a Sunday as a family with the ILs eg park, zoo, so DH has the opportunity to play with DS, and is unable to slob out on the sofa?

Agree that you seem completely passive. Do you want your son to have this utterly disrespectful waste of space as a role model? He will grow up thinking this is normal, and it isn't. You really need to start asserting yourself or be prepared to leave. And you need to do it for your son before he is conditioned into thinking this is what "dad" does.

I m also shocked you would not take your s
DS to family occasions just because MIL has him. Your poor parents.

1. Speak to him about it, tell him he needs to spend more time with you and his DS. If that doesn't help....

1. Get to Relate.

And if that doesn't work...

1. Leave the bastard.

Seriously, my XP was like that and I was a WOHM. His own father is a prick and I realised too late that's what his son would turn out like.

But don't get too excited by the possibilty of every other weekend off if you do split, XP hasn't seen the kids in 3yrs. But at least I only have 2 kids now, not 2 little ones and big kid.

Have only read all the comments by the op and a few others, so this has probably already been said.

But what exactly do you gain from being in a relationship with this man? You are being a complete doormat and I am so on your and you DSes behalf.

MIL has to see your DS every Sunday!!! Really to the point that you will roll over and let your family not see him. Stand up for yourself. Why have you never just said, 'my family is having a birthday/social event and I will be taking DS with me'

These threads make me angry that you sit there and put up with this, and for 3 years!!

You would not be any worse off as a single parent, as that is what you currnetly are anyway.

He sounds similar (but worse) to my exp. The thing about wanting ds 'for show' sounds familiar. Since we have split up (his decision) he has been forced to have a better relationship with ds, because he has to spend time with him on his own. So if you did split up, it might even improve their relationship. Sounds like the rest of the time, you wouldn't notice much difference, except you might get some time to yourself every couple of weeks, obviously it's not a decision to make lightly, but worth thinking about.