to be fed up with 'our' weekrnd routine.

[fullofregrets]

Every weekend since DS was born nearly three years ago this has been what DH has done:

Saturday: get up about 9.30, go and have cooked breakfast at his mum's, play golf all day, home about 5pm.

Sunday: lie in bed until 1ish, take DS to mil for Sunday lunch whilst I catch up housework, lie on sofa at mil's whilst she plays with DS. I know this is what he does as that he what he does if I ever go with them.

Today DH is still in bed despite saying we could go out for the day as a family which we never ever do. He will no doubt be there for several hours more.

The kind part of my brain thinks DH works long hours and is tired. The less kind part thinks DS has never slept through the night since born and DH has never once given me a night off or a lie in even in the early days after I'd had a c section.
Also DH never does anything with DS apart from take him to mil. He's never taken him swimming or to that park or anything. On the rare occasion I go out in the evening I have to wait for DS to go to sleep first as DH won't 'babysit.' If I ever complain DH says 'ok, we'll swap. You go out and work and I'll stay at home all day.'

AIBU to think DH should make more effort? If not for me then for DS. He's getting to the age now where he asks why daddy doesn't go anywhere with us.

I also second getting your dh to take ds to MIL on a Saturday so you have a Sunday family day.

I think you have hit the nail on the head OP in your last post. His socialisation within his own family didn't teach him how to behave. I think his mother is as wrong as he is by not pulling him up on Sundays and pointing out that he should be getting off his backside rather than lying on her sofa and that you should be together as a family. I think you need to decide if the status quo can be altered to something more satisfactory and whether, if it can't, if you want history to repeat itself with ds. It is important to sit down with dh and spell out what you want in the future and if you can't agree on a way forward then consider whether you can carve individual lives that are acceptable for both of you in this relationship or whether you need to move on.

At this stage in your relationship something like Relate might help. FWIW my dh continued to go to football every Saturday when ds was tiny and I accepted it because I knew it was his release from work related pressures and I knew very early on that he would never give it up. Later though, from when ds was about three and a half, he started taking ds and it was something that cemented their relationship. He was much much better with ds as he got bigger and has been very involved with his sport and ds is 17 now.

DH's own family life was a bit odd and there were things we had to work on but we worked it through and have been married for 21 years now.

Sorry, but it sounds as though you have got yourself an exceptionally lazy, boring and inconsiderate one there, as well as a complete mummy's boy. I wouldn't be expecting him to change his spots anytime soon though.

I think if he knows what it is like to have a presetn yet absent father then he should know better. He needs to be made to think about what his son will say about his father and homelife when he is an adult. What does your DH think his son would say when he is a man? He needs to think carefully before it is too late. People have crappy childhoods but there are those who make the decision to not carry this into their future.
He needs to think about what kind of man he wants his son to witness?What kind of a man does he want his son to be because you reap what you sow.
If he had a daughter, what kind of a man would he want her to be with?

He is not doing his best. He is letting himself down, his son down, you, his mother.

BUT, and I know it is tricky, but you have a responsibility to do something. I don't think it is your fault but you need to do everything you can to change this so that you will know you have down everything you can for your own peace of mind. How? I am not sure. Write him a letter? Read it back a couple of days later. Read it again until you are happy with it. Keep it focussed on how you feel but not that he MAKES you feel that, Keep it from a list of blames so he is less defensive and maybe more willing to listen. You could give it to him or read it aloud to him. I would focus on the future ahead and what his son will say as an adult. You can get on with it but whether you should is something he needs to think about.

i wish you all the best.

You should have an equal amount of leisure time. When you had DS why was it your leisure in Saturdays that got dropped and not his? Could you rotate Saturdays? How long has he ever been alone with DS? Tell him his DS is going to grow up and one day turn to your DP and tell him he was a crap Dad.

Seriously Dads don't have to be biological. I know lots if step dads who are better parents than this excuse for a parent.

Well surely your MIL doesn't need to see him every weekend?
Or you could all go out for Sunday lunch together?

You need to grow a backbone OP, and start exerting some power here else you will still be in this position in 5 years time.

I bet he complains about the lack of father in his childhood.

Make a list of the unreasonable incidents that happen: what he says to you that is demeaning, what he does or does not that is uncomfortable or makes life hard for you etc.

One can get a divorce through Unreasonable Behaviour and that's what I did. List even the smallest things because the longer the list is the better the outcome will be. For instance, when he says something extremely rude to you or, if you are pregnant, refuses to do something to save your doing it. I was 8 months pregnant once and asked my X to wash the kitchen floor (hands and knees job then). He refused.

And put the dates as well.

Get rid of the useless fucker before you turn into me - I put up with it but the day came when the MIL convinced him that I was deranged and controlling for having done everything

Mil can't have DS on a Saturday because fil also wants to see him. And what does ful do on a Saturday? Play golf. It has made it awkward if my family have ever booked Sunday lunch for a special occasion like a family birthday as I have had to go on my own, without DS and DH as he has to go to mil. It appears to be the law. She is happy for DH to lie on sofa as it means she gets to see more of DS.
DH also does football in the week and in summer (from now til Sept) he will go to golf range a night after work too. I don't mind him having hobbies, I know he needs some relaxation time but I do feel it is very one sided.
I would say the longest DH has looked after DS on his own (excluding when DS asleep in bed and the half hour drive to mil) since DS was born is two hours. Max.

Oh FFS dump him, that way you'll get a complete weekend off every two weeks and a complete weekend with your own child to spend with your family.
I would not put up with this nonsense from any of them. Selfish twits. MIL, FIL and your H

I agree Heswall - what are you OP, chopped liver??
They are ALL treating you as though you matter less than cheese.
Fuck that.

I don't really understand what this man's redeeming features are? He treats you like a servant and shows little interest in your child, what's the point of this relationship for you?

It is more DS I am bothered about. Sure, more free time would be nice, but I mostly want DS to have a relationship with his father.

Are you a bit afraid of your mil, op?

well tough it is not MIL & FIL God given right to have your ds every Sunday...

They could pop in one evening per week and put him to bed or something?

Can you simply absent yourself for the day before he leaves the house, or would ds be neglected/put at risk? If "d"h can competently clean and feed d's, I suggest you leave them to it tomorrow morning. When questioned, repeat his lines back to him - particularly the one about not being told what to do

Look OP he needs a serious shake up, even if you don't leave him forever make him value you and your son, show him what he has to loose.

I think you should get a full time job and then insist on equality in this relationship

Was your dh like this before you had DS when you both worked?

Why are you letting your MiL dictate your weekends OP?

Mil is a bit full on. DH will side with her over me. She is really only interested in DS. On the odd occasion DS hasn't been over on a Sunday (if pil have been on holiday) DH just stays in bed longer.
When we had all that snow a few weeks ago DS was desperate for daddy to come out and play with him. DH came out for five mins to have his photo taken with DS so he could put it on fb and show mil and then went back in the house saying it was 'too cold.' DS and I played for several hours in it! But DS would say 'where's daddy gone?' every ten mins or so.
Sorry, I am still upset about this example of how everything appears to be just for show. I do think DH loves DS, just doesn't quite know what to do with him and is extremely selfish.

fullofregrets. Your DH sounds just like my dad was...back in the 70s. He would golf all day, play squash, go into the office etc. He would even decide half way through a week away with us on holiday at a cottage that he'd had enough and would rather be golfing.

My mum couldn't put up with essentially being a single parent.
My dad was a lovely guy when he was there. But he was rarely there. After a while, my mum left him. Unfortunately, she went on to marry the leading arsehole in England.

Meanwhile, my dad remarried again and they had a DD. He still continued his lifestyle, but in may stepmum's case, she accepted it happily. Unlike my mum, she felt that it was her role to be wife and mother and didn't expect him to do the more 'dull' parts of parenting. They are probably one of the happiest couples I know.

I'm now married to a man who has to be away a lot at the weekends and works hard during the week. I've built up a 'support network' of similar friends and they are the ones I see at the weekends. It's nice when DH joins us, and in fairness he is way better than your DH at being with the kids, but I don't 100% expect it as then I won't be disappointed.

This probably seems long and irrelevant, but it does seem similar to the situation you are in. Your DH, like my dad, may not be willing to change. You have to decide if you are going to be like my mum and chuck it all in or accept it like my SM and I and make the best of it.
Perhaps you can tweak him around the edges, but he sounds pretty inflexible to me. (was he this much of a fool when you married him?!) You sound too passive about all this to me. Why not do your housework throughout the week so you can enjoy your sunday afternoon? Does the housework really need doing then? I would be doing it loudly around your DH when he's having his lie in on Sunday s.m. Personally, I'd kill for a regular sunday afternoon off. See if you can see any positives in this at all and go from there.

I could just go out and leave DH with DS, I don't think DS would come to any physical harm. I do think he would be upset at being left with DH and plonked in front of tv for hours on end. Or the computer. One or the other. I doubt that DH would play with him or take him anywhere. Or talk to him very much.