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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with 'our' weekrnd routine.

173 replies

fullofregrets · 06/04/2012 10:39

Every weekend since DS was born nearly three years ago this has been what DH has done:

Saturday: get up about 9.30, go and have cooked breakfast at his mum's, play golf all day, home about 5pm.

Sunday: lie in bed until 1ish, take DS to mil for Sunday lunch whilst I catch up housework, lie on sofa at mil's whilst she plays with DS. I know this is what he does as that he what he does if I ever go with them.

Today DH is still in bed despite saying we could go out for the day as a family which we never ever do. He will no doubt be there for several hours more.

The kind part of my brain thinks DH works long hours and is tired. The less kind part thinks DS has never slept through the night since born and DH has never once given me a night off or a lie in even in the early days after I'd had a c section.
Also DH never does anything with DS apart from take him to mil. He's never taken him swimming or to that park or anything. On the rare occasion I go out in the evening I have to wait for DS to go to sleep first as DH won't 'babysit.' If I ever complain DH says 'ok, we'll swap. You go out and work and I'll stay at home all day.'

AIBU to think DH should make more effort? If not for me then for DS. He's getting to the age now where he asks why daddy doesn't go anywhere with us.

OP posts:
DairyNips · 06/04/2012 11:42

Oh my god. What a lazy arsehole!

Not all men are like this, don't let him convince you of that.

My dh couldn't be more different. To give you a quick overview... My dh works 5 days a week and 90% of sat mornings.

He is at work today and won't bank hol mon off as he is working it so he has enough holiday to take time off when dc3 arrivesSmile

On a weekend he arrives home at 12.05, dives straight in with helping/playing with the boys. Sometimes I make lunch, sometimes he does. We eat lunch together then he helps clean the boys up, tidy plates away and get boys ready to go out. He changed ds2's nappy whenever needed. We usually discuss what we'll do for the rest of the day then go do that. Could be anything from a walk round the shops to a trip to the local park/beach, sometimes a visit to pils.

As I am pregnant I get tired and have been suffering from headaches, last weekend he sent me to bed for a nap and took the boys out himself.

Sunday's are much the same although he mostly let's me have a lie in and does breakfast duty with the boys to give me a break from that. When I get up (around 9-10) I offer him the chance of going back to bed for a bit of he's tired. If he has had a lie in he also offers me this opportunity.

He shares washing, loading and unloading of dishwasher, emptying bins, everything is 50/50 when he is at home.

When ds2 didn't sleep through till 16 mo and was up several times a night screaming with reflux he got up with me every time to try and settle him then went to work knackered the next morning.

He see's the money he makes as our money. He see's my job looking after the boys as equal to his job.

He sees the children as our children to be equally looked after by both of us. The boys adore him and love spending time with him.

I will admit my dh is super helpful and I am very happy to have married such a manSmile I believe in equality and do does he.

I'm not saying all this to make you feel shit btw, I'm just pointing out that this is more what it should be like.

Your dh has no right to make you do so much and claim exemption because he 'works'Hmm

I think you need to have words. Personally I couldn't be with a man like thatSad

PregnantCappuccinoDrinker · 06/04/2012 11:44

This makes me really sad to read. It isn't right. I'm still expecting my first so it's difficult to give advice but this certainly wouldn't be what I'm expecting from family life.

I must say though that the working mums among my friends have all said to me separately that it can actually be a relief to be at the office as they get to drink coffee while it's still hot, take an hour to themselves for lunch etc... It might be worth pointing that out to him? Yes he's working but your role is full on as well.

tallwivglasses · 06/04/2012 11:45

Wow - everyone's in agreement. That must surely tell you something OP. So what are you going to do about it? googles 'how to poison your husband'

AThingInYourLife · 06/04/2012 11:48

"Men still think that their lives do not have to change when you have DCs..."

Even if that were the case - what a crappy, boring, restricted life to choose, never mind have inflicted on you by a boring, useless fucker.

I'd leave him just for being so uninteresting. He sounds like a complete waste of oxygen.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/04/2012 11:49

He sounds awful :(

What were things like before you had your DS?

Oh - and if he can afford golf every weekend, then you can afford a cleaner. Don't make yourself into his skivvy.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/04/2012 11:49

AThing - exactly? Who the fuck does the same thing every bloody weekend?

How utterly dull.

C0smos · 06/04/2012 11:55

These kind of posts make me glad I am not a SAHM, it seems to give blokes an excuse to spend all weekend acting like a complete slob and treating their wives like domestic slaves.

You need to have it out with him and if he doesn't change you'd be better off on your own, it's not like it will make a major difference in your life will it and you'll have 1 less child to clean up after.

birthdaygurl · 06/04/2012 11:57

Right, don't agree that men don't think their lives change when they have DCs. Some tossers maybe. Hmm

My DH works a 50 hour + week, he comes home at 7, has a quick bite to eat (that I have made usually), dives straight into homework and bedtimes. He doesn't have time for housework apart from ironing his shirt during the week.

At weekends, he rarley does anything that doesn't involve the Dcs, he is happy to chauffeur them round, take them on days out, wlaks, park etc
He does some housework, not hsi strongest area generally.

However, this week he has been on annual leave, I am in the early stages of PG with no 4, tired. He has done all the housework, cooking and homework. We have done something as a family everyday and I have slept alot. He is having a rare night ot tonight. I consider myself very lucky.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/04/2012 11:58

Cosmos there is no need to bring SAHMing into this, you read plenty of threads where despite woman also going out to work the husband feels entitled to sit on his arse and do fuck all at the weekend.

FWIW, I'm a SAHM and my DH couldn't be less like the OP's.

It is nothing to do with your domestic set up, and everything to do with not having children with an arsehole in the first place.

AThingInYourLife · 06/04/2012 12:00

C0smos - if you're right about that, I think I'll have to become a SAHM just to make sure my DH isn't the kind of twat who thinks having a wife who stays at home and looks after the children means he gets to be a lazy, useless tosser.

Gumby · 06/04/2012 12:00

You'd think his mum would tell him to spend some time withhis wife and child

Nanny0gg · 06/04/2012 12:04

Cosmos my daughter is a SAHM and my SiL does his fair share when he's at home - and his children adore him.
It's the man's attitude that's wrong - not whether or not his wife works outside the home.

DeepThought · 06/04/2012 12:05

cmon cosmos don't make this about SAHM tvm

OP I am sorry that your DH is an arse and tbh it's not a relationship is it? What's in it for you? Sure you have a roof over your heads but apart from that you are basically single parenting with no remission, ever

fudgywudgy · 06/04/2012 12:06

Cosmos- I am also a sahm, have been for ten years on and off and my dh could not be more different to the op's.

Wohm's can also have shits for husbands!!

CockyPants · 06/04/2012 12:06

What's your mil like? Could you talk to her, and maybe she could stick her boot up his arse??

Original poster
fullofregrets · 06/04/2012 12:09

Before DS he did golf every sat but I would go out with friends etc, then Sunday we would have a day together. But because mil wants to see DS at weekend it means now our Sundays are also accounted for.
DH wanted DS, more than I did actually. His own father was largely absent even when he was physically there so I think it is just what DH has learnt. But I worry that DS is now being set a similar example. I think DH wanted DS for show if I'm honest. All his friends had one or more children and his mother was asking all the time when we were going to have children. I think it was just another thing to tick off his list as 'having.'

OP posts:
JingleMum · 06/04/2012 12:16

He's an absolute tw*t, who the bloody hell does he think he is? And your MIL should be having a word with him, he can't just laze on the couch all afternoon and expect her to take over.
Let him stick to the saturday routine once a month, the other saturdays should be family time, just the 3 of you, simple as that. If you enjoy your sunday afternoon to yourself then keep that arrangement going, if not then some sundays will have to be the way you want them.
If he doesn't agree with the changes OP then i'd be insisting on a trial separation, until he realises what an idiot he has been.

birthdaygurl · 06/04/2012 12:16

Your MIL sounds like a PITA, why are you letting her dictate that she sees DS every weekend anyway? Hmm You need to get a back bone.

birthdaygurl · 06/04/2012 12:17

I can't believe you have let this happen for 3 years.

DairyNips · 06/04/2012 12:21

I think it's really sad a lot of women think 'All men are like this'Sad No, just the ones who are arseholes.

Also, being a SAHM doesn't give men an excuse to behave like this, again, if they do they're an arsehole.

Babieseverywhere · 06/04/2012 12:22

What about suggesting MIL babysits DS on Saturday, whilst your DH does golf and you do something on your own or with your friends.

Sunday can be a family day when you all spend time together with DS.

Worth a try.

pictish · 06/04/2012 12:22

Well considering he'd rather play fucking golf and lie in his bed than spend any time with his much wanted son, I think you must be right.

Mrsjay · 06/04/2012 12:24

cosmos i am a sahm my husband is nothing like this , he works some weekends due to shifts but he would never treat his wife and familiy like this ,

pictish · 06/04/2012 12:29

And just to add...there is nothing wrong with your dh enjoying stupid golf...but to expect every single Saturday of the year to be set aside for it, is selfish and very childish.
Once a month would be more adult realistic - even alternate weekends would be better!

Hobbies are important, of course they are - but they are not more important than your wife and child. Not ever.

iMoniker · 06/04/2012 12:32

Your DH does not know any better. Given he had no father figure in his life, this is not surprising. Tell your DH that he has to have your child for a week - if you can get a temp job, all the better.

He needs to learn how to be a parent. I'd bet he'd be a far lesser lazy knob if forced.