To ask FIL and BIL not to bring meat to our BBQ...

[37jonsialex]

Ugh, i have a horrible feeling that i'm being ridiculously petty, but here we go...

We're having a family BBQ/ housewarming tomorrow. 8 of us in total (DP's parents, brothers, sisters and various partners) DP's family are all vegetarian, him and his sisters were brought up that way. By coincidence, i've been vegetarian since i was 9 and DS has been brought up as one too.

A few years ago BIL and FIL went over to the...ehem... dark side and started to eat meat again. I have no problem with this at all, their choice and none of us believe that everyone should be vegetarian.

Anyway, DP mentioned this morning that the B/FIL have insisted on bringing their own meat tomorrow. I was a bit shocked to be honest. I've been working really hard to work out a menu, so they weren't expected to provide anything. I'm always willing to except food based gifts, but i think that if you're taking food to someone's house, it should be something that everyone can eat, right? (for example, we're spending easter sunday with a friend that hates raisins, so i'm taking hot cross buns with other things in instead.)

Apart from that, our BBQ is brand new and we're the ones that will have to cook the meat and then clean off the BBQ and the plates...

Reading this back i can see that i sound like a bit of a nutter... but at the same time i think this is such an odd and disrespectful thing to do!

WIBU to ask them to leave the meat at home?

Not all vegetarians have those moral principles, though. I don't eat meat, but I do wear leather, I also cook meat for the rest of my family. It doesn't always have to be a crusade, you know? There is nothing inherently offensive to me about others eating meat - I've made my choice, they have the right to make theirs. There is nothing more boring than somebody attempting a "conversion".
Op, you should invite people round for drinks and (vegetarian) nibbles, and let them eat at home. Parties are supposed to be fun, yours sounds like a total stress fest. It's stressing me out, and I'm not even going [bugrin]

I find it highly annoying, that vegetarians are catered for everywhere! Vegetarianism is a lifestyle choice. Go into any food establishment and you will find a vegetarian option. Ask for a dairy/gluten/nut free option, and you will be considered a nuisance. I don't care what their moral stance is. Why should people who choose not to eat something be put ahead of people with life threatening medical problems?
I am morrally opposed to vegetarianism. If I have to cater for veggies, then veggies should cater for me.

CatPuss, it's not a vegetarian's fault that you can't get your dietary requirement. Those options should be provided. Is that why you're 'morally opposed to vegetarianism'?!

Op how would you feel when arrivinG at fil house if he banned you from brining tofu

When your not a vegetarian very hard to eat a meal with out fish or meat and I think your being a little unreasonable

I very much doubut you don't insist on telling people and making sure your catered for as a vegetarian so you in turn so cater for every one

I love it when vegetarians say my house my rules, but the same people would be beret if they went to a wedding or a party and were only served meat when people know they are veggie

If your not veggie then food can be pretty miserable with out meat or fish espically at a BBQ

Would if that bad to let him handle the meat on a separate bbq

wonder if bringing your own food as a courtesy or contribution is particularly a UK thing?
i ask because some years ago a new friend from Ukraine invited us to a BBQ and we accepted and asked "What would you like us to bring? etc". Cue long silence and then a cold "you want to bring your own food? You think maybe my food will not be good enough!". help!! Much reassurance later he understood that it is courtesy here to bring some food with you to contribute, but he saw it as a huge insult to his abilities as cook and host!

Oh my. It's not a moral superiority at all. For some people, it's a choice based on a moral stance. No superiority involved.

Your self declared "moral stance", if it precludes a reciprocal arrangement, is by definition an expression of moral superiority.

No but when you know their will be nothing to eat expect fake meat and tofu you might thing frigg this I will bring my own meat thanks

No. I'm morally opposed to vegetarianism, because it isn't the answer to animal welfare issues.
Human beings took wild animals, and domesticated them for food. The animals were changed, modified, and became dependent on humans for survival. If humans stop eating these animals, they are useless. The breeds/species will die out. I find that unacceptable. We made these animals dependent, we can't just cut them loose. We owe them, and we need to make their lives as worthwhile and valued as possible. the way we farm doesn't do this, it doesn't mean we shouldn't farm them, it means we need to change the way we farm them.

CatPuss I am vegan so would be delighted if dairy-free options were easier to find. I also find when eating out with people who avoid gluten and nuts (varying levels from full-on allergy through intolerance to just feeling better when not eating those things) that the same places that are better for vegetarians and vegans are also better at labelling what is or is not suitable for people who have other requirements. Also, when I invite people for dinner, I tend to ask about stuff like allergies (what foods are ruled out and how severe the problem is) and major dislikes. I'm not going to produce meat for anyone, but if I visit someone who is gluten-free I don't expect them to get a couple of baguettes or a packet of pasta in. My mother has the same reaction to peanuts that Tidy has to meat - hence I wouldn't ask her to handle them and I rarely cook with them in her kitchen. If anything being vegetarian then vegan has made me more aware of needing to check these things. On the other hand if someone is somehow unable to eat anything but meat evah (which some people on this thread seem to be suggesting) and couldn't put up with a bowl of bean chilli or chickpea tagine for one evening in exchange for the pleasure of my company, I may not bother issuing an invite in the first place. tl:dr, you're throwing blame in the wrong direction!

wonder if bringing your own food as a courtesy or contribution is particularly a UK thing?

I don't think its a UK thing per se, but there are some cultures where the host is mortified if you think they cannot provide enough for you.

MrBojangles jeez - my meat-eating family don't ban tofu, but my mum has expressed a strong preference that I don't use peanut butter in front of her because she finds the smell disgusting. Guess what, I don't use it around her, she can just about put up with it being in the house if she doesn't see any sign of it being there, but generally I find other sources of fat and protein while visiting. Not sure why meat-eaters can't apply the same logic, especially if they're going somewhere for one evening rather than a week or two...

How are you being a good hostess if you don't cater for the preferences of their guests?

Ok, so if you invited me over for dinner (unlikely I know) you'd be ok with getting me nuts and wholewheat bread? Or let's assume a meat-eating friend expressed a preference for those things. Her favourite food ever is chicken satay, but you'd be mean enough to deny her that. And of course non-vegans must have cheese all the time, so you'd have to have dairy and wheat crackers at the end of the meal. Or you could just make something tasty that you and they could eat. But you wouldn't be catering for their preferences, you'd be being a bad hostess for letting what YOU can and can't eat dictate what THEY eat...

Tofu - I have tried it several times. Smoked tofu, normal tofu, tofu in salad and curry...
I have a question. Does anyone ever regard tofu and think mmm tofu...my favourite?
The stuff is just unpleasant.

I love food. I love meat and I love veggie food as well. I adore nut roast and pulses and all vegetables and grains....but I cannot do the bean curd shit or the soya crap. It's not food!

Here's what I think overall about this issue regarding the BBQ. If I was going to a vegetarian bbq, I wouldn't need meat, but I'd prefer it if there was some. I'd eat whatever was served up to me very happily though...I certainly would not complain.

However, back when I was a veggie and the tables were turned, I would have had no problem at all, if my guests wanted to bring meat along to my bbq. I didn't host bbqs back then...but I know for a fact i would not have got arsey about it. It is not a battle I would have felt the need to win.

I think the OP is BU.

I'm a veggie, and so is my older Son, and my Daughter (she's only 15months though, so don't know which way she'll go when she's older!). My younger Son and DH are meat eaters.

I guess it's different for us being a mixture of meat/ non meat eaters. We just all respect each others choices, and us veggies don't have a problem with meat being eaten around us, or cooked on the same bbq etc...

I can see it from your point of view though op, as I think if I was used to my plates/ bbq only being used for veggie food, I would find it a bit yucky to have it used for meat, as this doesn't usually happen in your house.

For this reason I think YANBU, and should tell fil and bil to bring their own bbq.

Oh and for all the posters that wanted to know what a veggie eats at a bbq , I would just like to SCREAM.........Have you not heard of veggieburgers, Quorn bangers/burgers, stuffed mushrooms, veggie kebabs, corn, salads, breads etc ....... 'This reminds me of the 80's when all anyone could say to you when you said you were veggie was......well, what DO you eat then?????!!!!!' FGS use your imagination, it gets boring.

Oh - and I would've had the meat eaters use my bbq as well...but had them clean it afterwards.
Those disposable bbqs are foul.

A moral stance or superiority, which ever term you prefer, with moveable boundaries depending on their convenience and choice but which suddenly become immoveable when it's about someone else's choice.

fluffypillow so in other words fake meat that taste nothing like meat, and wile your eating the stuff all your thinking is I wish this was meat

It's like me giving a veggie soothing fake that was fashioned into the shape of a carrot

Meat Eaters don't like pretend mean they like real meat that's why their meat eaters

QuacksForDoughnuts that's fine as long as when you go along to evenings out and all that is on the menu is meat you don't complain

Veggies always state that they are so when going and very rarely will they tolerate a all meet menu after all it's just one night

But seem to expect meat eaters to do so no thinking that the fake meat is actually not that nice to eat to people who like real meat

What do veggies eat at BBQs?.....

Vegetables shaped like meat!

QuacksForDoughnuts bean chilli really ffs sake I can't think of anything awul to eat and in my view the only thing that should involve chick peas is my chicken stew

No they eat tofu shaped like burgers

Pictish I eat tofu maybe every couple of months, to replace the egg when I can be bothered to do a cooked breakfast. That's considerably less often than the various Chinese meat-eaters I know. They find it quite amusing that tofu is a 'hippy' food here... [buwink]

MrBO........I've been veggie for 25yrs. I didn't give it up because I didn't like the taste of it, I gave it up because I have a problem with eating animals, therefore while I'm eating 'fake meat', I am NOT wishing it was meat.

Bring on the yummy 'flesh tasting' veggieburgers. yum yum.

My Son and DH are meat eaters, as I said, and I have no problem with that at all. Sorry if that doesn't fit in with what you 'think' and vegetarian is, and how we feel about things.

No I just find it wired that somone who hates meat and can't even stand somone to bring their own would buy food trys to recreate meat tase,smell and shape

I really hate peas they make me heave why would I want to eat fake peas that smell and are the same shape as peas