To ask FIL and BIL not to bring meat to our BBQ...

[37jonsialex]

Ugh, i have a horrible feeling that i'm being ridiculously petty, but here we go...

We're having a family BBQ/ housewarming tomorrow. 8 of us in total (DP's parents, brothers, sisters and various partners) DP's family are all vegetarian, him and his sisters were brought up that way. By coincidence, i've been vegetarian since i was 9 and DS has been brought up as one too.

A few years ago BIL and FIL went over to the...ehem... dark side and started to eat meat again. I have no problem with this at all, their choice and none of us believe that everyone should be vegetarian.

Anyway, DP mentioned this morning that the B/FIL have insisted on bringing their own meat tomorrow. I was a bit shocked to be honest. I've been working really hard to work out a menu, so they weren't expected to provide anything. I'm always willing to except food based gifts, but i think that if you're taking food to someone's house, it should be something that everyone can eat, right? (for example, we're spending easter sunday with a friend that hates raisins, so i'm taking hot cross buns with other things in instead.)

Apart from that, our BBQ is brand new and we're the ones that will have to cook the meat and then clean off the BBQ and the plates...

Reading this back i can see that i sound like a bit of a nutter... but at the same time i think this is such an odd and disrespectful thing to do!

WIBU to ask them to leave the meat at home?

Hilly, 'part of entertaining your friends is being a good and thoughtful host and giving them something you hope they will enjoy'.

a) so you're assuming that meat-eaters wouldn't enjoy something unless it contained meat?

b) and part of being a good and thoughtful guest is eating, with good grace, the food your hosts have been kind enough to provide. Cooking for people in your own home is not short-order cooking and while I think that hosts should cook things that they think people will like, and avoid things that they know people have dietary requirements around, I don't believe that hosts should try to cater for all possible preferences. And I mean not just in the context of vegetarian/non-vegetarian food, but that in no context except that of dietary requirements should guests try to dictate what will be eaten.

If anyone is going to respond and say that people always bring food to a BBQ, I'd say that a) in this case the OP explicitly told guests that they shouldn't as she would provide everything and that b) it would be straightforward for guests to bring drinks or meat-free food.

When I go to the houses of veggie or vegan friends I fully expect to be provided with veggie or vegan food, I eat it and I say thank-you. And I wouldn't dream of taking meat to any of these houses, for reasons that have been spelled out more than once in more than one way on this thread but which IMO are quite easy to understand.

And some vegetarians don't want to 'tolerate' meat being cooked, eaten or cleared up because (at least one person has said it on this thread) not because they're vaguely uncomfortable about it or are being 'precious' but because it makes them physically nauseous.

Presumably a vegetarian can make the call whether or not to go with friends to a restaurant where meat will be eaten. But in someone's own home, a vegetarian should expect to be treated with consideration by their friends and family. A friend of mine is an enthusiastic meat-eater but doesn't eat rabbit because she has a cat and rabbits as seen in butchers' shops remind her of cats and upset her. This isn't a feeling I share, but it is easy enough for me to work out that if she invites me to a 'pot-luck' style dinner where everyone brings a dish, I should not take anything containing rabbit.

This is comparable to the notion of not bringing meat to a vegetarian household.

Sorry this is so long.

and paper plates! (really, I'd ask them to think again, they can have their meaty BBQ any time, this is your party).

Ok, but again, for me it was all or nothing when I went through my veggie phase.
It was easy enough to refuse to eat a cow or a sheep, but my mind just wandered to animal experiments in labs, and after that it became impossible to function.
I've had life saving medication which I don't doubt probably involved experiments on animals.
My late sister worked in a medical environment where animals were experimented on daily.
Until all that changes, even being a vegan would be hard, life would be impossible without some sort of animal sacrifice.
Anyway, so waay of the point, this thread isn't about the rights and wrongs of vegetarianism, it's about a barbecue.
So, Op, I just say, live and let live really.

TBJ I probably would RSVP No thanks to a vegetarian barbecue to be honest. It sounds shit. and I'd have to DRAG my husband there by the scruff of the neck....

Seriously though, I'd go to a veggie dinner party quite willingly if I liked the host, in jus the same way that I go to the dinner parties of a good friend of mine who is a rubbish cook - because it's not all about the food, it's the company.

But the OP has said she understands that some people eat meat and she doesn't even expect that everyone should be a vegetarian, so for someone seemingly laid back and pro-choice about the whole thing, she is picking a fight where there needn't be one. That's what I don't get.

As I said before:

It's amazing: on MN, there is frequently both a consensus that vegetarians should provide meat, and a consensus that fussiness in children should not be tolerated, even when it's a young visitor on a playdate.

Hilly, I think it's the OP's guests who are 'picking a fight' by being knowingly and deliberately provocative. She is just trying to invite people over for food (and generously providing all the food herself) within the boundaries of what and how she wants to cook.

Hilly

Because it's at her house.

The fact that these family members are former veggies known to be perfectly capable of eating mushrooms is probably not insignificant.

Actually I don't expect veggies to provide meat or to handle it. At all. In fact, if the veggie in question was veggie for because of supposedly strong moral conviction then I would find it very odd if they were prepared to do that. But this is eating and cooking outdoors, there is no need for any cross contamination of any implements whatsover, no handling, no buying, and the OP has stated that 'none of us believe that everyone should be a vegetarian'.

I can't understand why people can't go one meal without meat? What a childish attitude.

I can't understand why veggies can't go one meal with meat? What a childish attitude.

See? Not hard, is it....

Ommmm.....

whatmeworry

Because your friends/relatives don't ever eat meat.

So why would you want them to eat meat just because they are at your house?

The OP has also said that she will be left with the clearing up, including the clearing up of meat leftovers and implements etc that have been used for meat.

And it is entirely possible to believe that other people ought to be allowed to eat meat while simultaneously not wanting to eat it or have anything to do with it yourself. In public spaces and at other people's houses obviously a vegetarian can't exercise that preference, but in her own home she can and is justified in doing so.

Just x posted whatmeworry

I think if you really can't understand why a veggie would not want to go "one meal with meat" then there is no point in having this discussion with you.

Hmmm... "Vegetarian BBQ". There's another oxymoron to add to the likes of "Christian rock", "One-coat paint", or "Nice teenage girl".

I actually think they are being thoughtful to bring their own meat - they know you won't have any, so they are providing their own. However, I don't think you should have to cook it on your regular barbecue. One of my friends is vegetarian so whenever we have a BBQ we get a disposable one to cook her food on and stick the meat on our reg BBQ x

Oh for goodness sake you have just proved my point. Unless you have chosen to never eat vegetables?

whatmeworry, I know you don't really mean what you're saying, but you're argument is becoming more and more ridiculous. Your examples are laughable, I'm sorry, but they are.

Grrr. You're your

I think they are being very rude by insisting on bringing their own meat along, particularly as they are former vegetarians themselves. However, if they must bring it along, tell them they can also bring along a disposable barbecue to cook it on.
I don't see why your lovely new one should be contaminated by meat and why you should have to pay for a disposable barbecue, just so they can make a point of eating different food from everyone else. They only cost about £5 anyway, so they shouldn't object.

whatmeworry, I know you don't really mean what you're saying, but you're argument is becoming more and more ridiculous.

So contend it then, rather than just saying its ridiculous. Justify why its a one way street without resoring to "my belief trumps yours".

Oh that's right, you can't.

Because the whole veggie position is based on a belief of moral superiority which you believe justifies an unbalanced social more.

Whatmeworry, do you actually not understand or are you just playing now?

Do you know what a venn diagram is? Imagine 2 big circles. One contains every type of food which you eat and the other of which contains every type of food which a vegetarian might eat. There will be a lot of overlap (because you must eat things which are not meat), so the circles are not next to each other, but are intersecting. It is even possible that the vegetarian circle is entirely within your circle (which would mean that you ate everything the vegetarian does and also some other things). Therefore it is not anything unusual for you to eat something from the vegetarian circle, because it's also in your circle and you do it all the time. However to ask the vegetarian to eat something from your circle would be asking them to add something new to their circle, not simply to choose something from within their own circle. Does that make sense now?

It is especially offensive to vegetarians because they have drawn their circle where it is based on moral principles, so you would be asking them to do something they find immoral. Whereas asking the meat eater to not eat meat is asking them to do something they do regularly anyway.

I hate bloody Vegetarians! Smug entitled gits! How would you feel if they invited you over and insisted that you eat meat?

It is especially offensive to vegetarians because they have drawn their circle where it is based on moral principles, so you would be asking them to do something they find immoral. Whereas asking the meat eater to not eat meat is asking them to do something they do regularly anyway.

No, what is really offensive is one group of people self-declaring a moral superiority and then demanding that others adhere to it, in a non reciprocal way.

A well aimed Fuck Off is the best response to these people I find.

Oh, and its not just Veggies that is aimed at....

Do all your food on your barbi, and either cook theirs on a separate disposable one or use the oven if you want to save on money. They're being the minority stick the meat in the oven ( and I love meat and barbi's)

My family a mixture of vegans, Hindu's ( no beef or vegan and Muslims no pork or non Halal food) so we've always adjusted so can they.

Oh my. It's not a moral superiority at all. For some people, it's a choice based on a moral stance. No superiority involved.

There really is no reasoning with you, is there?

I think the OP came back on and said she'd ask them to bring a disposable for their meat. Seems a decent compromise if she's happy with that. If she had strong objections though, I think it perfectly reasonable to refuse.

I love BBQ and meat :) The concept of a veggie BBQ does seem a bit bizarre to me tbh, but only because it's outside my sphere of experiences. I'd happily attend and scoff whatever was on offer...