To ask FIL and BIL not to bring meat to our BBQ...

[37jonsialex]

Ugh, i have a horrible feeling that i'm being ridiculously petty, but here we go...

We're having a family BBQ/ housewarming tomorrow. 8 of us in total (DP's parents, brothers, sisters and various partners) DP's family are all vegetarian, him and his sisters were brought up that way. By coincidence, i've been vegetarian since i was 9 and DS has been brought up as one too.

A few years ago BIL and FIL went over to the...ehem... dark side and started to eat meat again. I have no problem with this at all, their choice and none of us believe that everyone should be vegetarian.

Anyway, DP mentioned this morning that the B/FIL have insisted on bringing their own meat tomorrow. I was a bit shocked to be honest. I've been working really hard to work out a menu, so they weren't expected to provide anything. I'm always willing to except food based gifts, but i think that if you're taking food to someone's house, it should be something that everyone can eat, right? (for example, we're spending easter sunday with a friend that hates raisins, so i'm taking hot cross buns with other things in instead.)

Apart from that, our BBQ is brand new and we're the ones that will have to cook the meat and then clean off the BBQ and the plates...

Reading this back i can see that i sound like a bit of a nutter... but at the same time i think this is such an odd and disrespectful thing to do!

WIBU to ask them to leave the meat at home?

Do you really? How interesting! What are these moral beliefs based on?

whatmeworry didn't I ask you if you had moral objections to vegetables earlier? Yep, sure I did. And you said "don't be silly".

What a turnaround!

YANBU
As a veggie myself, this would gross me out, though if I go to a meat eater's house I don't tell them what to do. But your house, you call the shots.

I said above, and I'll say it again.
IMO unless you exclude all animal products from your life, and become a vegan, I'll respect your decision.
But if you continue to pick and choose, like refusing meat but wearing leather, using products that have been tested on animals, including vital medication, the whole veggie thing is pointless.
I'm repeating myself BTW but either go the whole way, or don't bother

text them and say 'DH said you were planning to bring meat tomorrow and if this is the case, please can you bring a BBQ to cook on. I can provide the coles for you no problem. Cheers'

Then let them cook their own meat and use their own BBQ.

I think it's rude and cheeky.

When you bring something to a party it should be something that everyone (especially the host) will enjoy and share or the host has suggested you bring.

Bringing meat to a veggie BBQ is pushy and ill mannered and I'm practically carnivorous!

or buy a dispoable BBQ and present it to them if they show you any meat. say 'oh here you go, I can't bear to touch the stuff'

YANBU

But sorry, a veggie BBQ sounds shite.

:(

Actually, I am a vegan, but I don't think much of that argument, Lady.

At best, it's a self-defeatist attitude. At worst, it's just an excuse for laziness, and procrastination, whatever the cause.

"Oh, I can't save 40 litres of water a day, only 20, so there isn't any point in limiting my water use."

"Oh, I don't think I can give up smoking, so what's the point in trying to cut down?"

Mind you, I do understand why some people with depression (not targeted at anyone in this thread) argue that way, concerning various things.

Meat-eaters being expected to go one meal without meat is not the same as vegetarians being expected to eat, or be around, meat for one meal.

Well yes Lady except that part of entertaining your friends is being a good and thoughtful host and giving them something you hope they will enjoy - it is not an exercise in preaching or lecturing or proving a point - at least it shouldn't be. I always ask friends what they do and don't like to eat before deciding on a menu. I wouldn't dream of just assuming that they should put up with what I choose, because I want them to actually enjoy the food - not just tolerate it.

No-one is asking the OP to cook or handle the meat - merely to tolerate it in her presence. It needn't go anywhere near her kitchen or her barbecue, or even her dinner plates. If she is unable to do that then it was probably unwise to suggest a barbecue, knowing that some of her guests are meat eaters. Doesn't she ever eat out with friends who choose the meat options from the menu? she copes just fine, I presume?

I disagree that it is not the same as expecting vegetarians to 'be around' meat for one meal, though. Both involve an element of compromise on what the eater would prefer. But one impacts directly on a person's choice for themselves, the other does not. Being 'around' meat eaters should be tolerable for any level headed, sociable vegetarian who accepts that theirs is the minority choice. No-one is choosing what goes on their plate for them, or denying them what they would prefer. That's the difference.

If they cannot accept that then it is questionable whether or not they should bother eating in the company of meat eaters at all.

Do you really? How interesting! What are these moral beliefs based on?

The evolutionary ascendance of Human Omnivores.

So now we are equal, we both have an irrational belief. So I will eat your food if you eat mine.

Ommmm.

My last post was to LadyClarice btw, not LadyBeagle!

I am a vegan and the thought of meat (just dead flesh at the end of the day) even being in my house makes me feel sick. If you can cope I would tell them to bring their own BBQ but would never handle or prepair any of it. They know you are all veggie

Veggie BBQ sounds terrible

Oops posted to soon! It does sound terrible for a meat eater, however yanbu for not wanting meat cooked on your BBQ. They are NBU for wanting to eat meat at a BBQ though.

Also whenever I go to a meat eaters BBQ I am expected to take my own BBQ as I couldn't eat anything cooked on or around meat, what is the difference when it is the other way round?

whatmeworry if you knew friends/relatives hadn't eaten meat for years and had invited you to eat at their house, would you honestly turn up with a couple of steaks/burgers?

Hilly you're missing a vital point, and then wildly extrapolating.

I cope with eating in the company of meat-eaters constantly. I make no criticism of their choices (even though I don't get extended the same courtesy). I am very keen on the idea of not inflicting my beliefs on others, and not having others' beliefs inflicted upon myself.

But in my house- no, and thrice no.

Because at that point, instead of all rubbing along together, and tolerating each other, as it is in a restaurant, or a canteen, it is my beliefs being encroached upon, and entitled meat-eaters being rude little buzzards. Yes. I said entitled.

I do not want to have to smell meat at my party. I do not want to dispose of it in my bin. If you cannot tolerate coming to my house and not eating meat, then I suggest you RSVP no. Just as I frequently do for others.

whatmeworry if you knew friends/relatives hadn't eaten meat for years and had invited you to eat at their house, would you honestly turn up with a couple of steaks/burgers?

Of course not...now, what happens when i invite them nack and cook coq au vin? Should they not extend teh courtesy I exctended to them?

And if not, why not?

You are 100% spot on Jessie.

I can't understand why people can't go one meal without meat? What a childish attitude.

YANBU they're being immensely rude, especially given their knowledge of the subject and that it's such a small gathering.

We are both veggie (me vegan for years) and we cook delicious food for our friends, including when we host BBQs. We usually have people asking for recipes and commenting on how tasty it all was. We take pride in our cooking and hosting, are considerate toward our guests' needs (disliking mushrooms, nut allergies etc) and would be really surprised if they felt the need to bring their own food to anything for which we were catering, especially at the idea of bringing something we find morally and physically offensive into our home.

Having said that, it could depend on whether you are doing all the food or asking people to bring something. I think when we've hosted a larger BBQ and done accompaniements but asked people to bring a main item, we borrowed a second BBQ for meat and made sure people knew that. There is a bit of a difference to a dinner party, in that it's not coming into the house.

In either circumstance though, people have known and respected the terms of the invitation. I think given yours is a small family gathering and you are catering, you are quite right to feel miffed and to ask them to bring a disposable or other BBQ.

It is very simple-get a disposable BBQ and let them cook it on that. It seems perfectly reasonable to me. Vegetarians bring their own food to cook so it should work vice versa.

I was once out in a large group of drunken mates. We'd booked a set meal so the waiter came over and asked if we had any vegetarians in our party. Quick as a flash my mate answered 'No - we've eaten them'

you had to be there really !

[helpful]