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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask FIL and BIL not to bring meat to our BBQ...

479 replies

37jonsialex · 06/04/2012 10:39

Ugh, i have a horrible feeling that i'm being ridiculously petty, but here we go...

We're having a family BBQ/ housewarming tomorrow. 8 of us in total (DP's parents, brothers, sisters and various partners) DP's family are all vegetarian, him and his sisters were brought up that way. By coincidence, i've been vegetarian since i was 9 and DS has been brought up as one too.

A few years ago BIL and FIL went over to the...ehem... dark side and started to eat meat again. I have no problem with this at all, their choice and none of us believe that everyone should be vegetarian.

Anyway, DP mentioned this morning that the B/FIL have insisted on bringing their own meat tomorrow. I was a bit shocked to be honest. I've been working really hard to work out a menu, so they weren't expected to provide anything. I'm always willing to except food based gifts, but i think that if you're taking food to someone's house, it should be something that everyone can eat, right? (for example, we're spending easter sunday with a friend that hates raisins, so i'm taking hot cross buns with other things in instead.)

Apart from that, our BBQ is brand new and we're the ones that will have to cook the meat and then clean off the BBQ and the plates...

Reading this back i can see that i sound like a bit of a nutter... but at the same time i think this is such an odd and disrespectful thing to do!

WIBU to ask them to leave the meat at home?

OP posts:
zipzap · 06/04/2012 15:08

I'm a meat eater but when I've been invited to a BBQ at a friends house who is veggie, I've taken veggie halloumi kebabs with me as a contribution rather than take meaty fare.

Rude to take meat to a veggie BBQ - if the veggie volunteers that you can take meat then that's one thing but not just to demand to bring it like is happening to the op.

HopeForTheBest · 06/04/2012 15:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on request of its author.

AlbertoFrog · 06/04/2012 15:16

If they had any respect for you OP they would come to your BBQ, eat your food, play nice ...

... and buy a kebab on the way home [bugrin]

HillyWallaby · 06/04/2012 15:20

I think if they are providing their own meat and not expecting you to handle it or eat it then they should be allowed to do so without being made to feel uncomfortable. If you were going to a normal meatfest barbecue wouldn't you make sure you took along something that you actually wanted to eat if you suspected that everything else available would not be suitable for you except the green salad and the bread?

I do think they should provide a separate barbecue for cooking on though - I don't think it would be fair for them to put their meat on yours.

5inthebed · 06/04/2012 15:39

Is the barbecue today? You could always go for the religious spin on things and say that as it is Good Friday, no meat should be consumed?

HopeForTheBest · 06/04/2012 15:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on request of its author.

QuickLookBusy · 06/04/2012 15:48

I think they are being very rude.
Obviously only thinking of themselves and their stomachs! I would ask them to leave the meat at home.

I'm not vegetarian by the way, but would imagine it would be horrible to have meat cooked on your new bbq in your garden.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 06/04/2012 16:02

'the OP is catering for all her invited guests, she's just not providing every single food they like, which no reasonable guest would expect anyway.'

Exactly this. Meat-eaters being expected to go one meal without meat is not the same as vegetarians being expected to eat, or be around, meat for one meal.

pumpkinsweetie · 06/04/2012 16:10

YABU - they are bringing their own meat-atleast they are helping out by bringing something even if it is for themselves.
Imagine you being a vegetarian having to go to an all-meat barbi im sure you would take salad/pasta/vege with you so that you can eat something u like.
Cant really see the problem in them bringing it but if i was a vege i would expect them to cook it themselves though

Whatmeworry · 06/04/2012 16:20

Exactly this. Meat-eaters being expected to go one meal without meat is not the same as vegetarians being expected to eat, or be around, meat for one meal

Why not?

thepeoplesprincess · 06/04/2012 16:29

I think you need to get over yourself OP. And I say that as a vegan chef.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 06/04/2012 16:31

Whatme, presumably you're being deliberately obtuse, but OK:

Because some vegetarians find it nauseating/upsetting/morally objectionable to have meat in their houses/being cooked around them, or to be left with the residue from meat e.g. on dirty plates.

Meat-eaters do not (I know this is an assumption, but I'm going to risk it) find meat-free food and its cooking and residue nauseating/upsetting/morally objectionable.

Plus, as others have mentioned, vegetarians do not eat meat full stop, and some try to limit their exposure to it for the reasons above. Meat-eaters do not not eat meat full stop (again, I'm assuming that other meat-eaters also eat vegetables, starch, and non-animal proteins, as do I) or need to try to limit their exposure to it.

featherbag · 06/04/2012 16:36

Whatme, really? You don't know that meat eaters eat meat and veggies (including pulses etc. in that), but vegetarians eat only veggies?

TeddyBare · 06/04/2012 16:37

Whatmeworry - are you being serious? I would have thought the answer is fairly obvious even to someone who does eat meat. For a vegetarian it would be immoral and disgusting to eat / facilitate the eating of meat. Meat-eaters can and do eat vegetarian food without doing something they find immoral or disgusting. Therefore it is a very big sacrifice asking a vegetarian to facilitate eating meat for 1 meal, and not a sacrifice asking a meat-eater not to eat meat for 1 meal.

OP yanbu. Your FIL and BIL are being incredibly rude and I would un-invite them in your position.

Whatmeworry · 06/04/2012 16:37

Whatme, presumably you're being deliberately obtuse, but OK

No, I am challenging your assertion which is essentially that because you don't like something I must put up with it, whereas you don't have to put up with what I don't like, because, er, you have a self declared belief that trumps anything I may want.

Treat others as you would like to be treated, eh?

TidyDancer · 06/04/2012 16:42

whatme, you really are not helping your own argument here.

The things you are trying to compare are not comparable. It's been said many times in many different ways on this thread, but I'll say it again for purposes of clarity. Expecting vegetarians to be around meat is not the same as expecting meateaters to be around vegetables. Your assertion relies on that being a balanced contrast, which it just isn't.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 06/04/2012 16:45

Well, first of all perhaps you're using a general 'you' rather than talking about me personally, but as I said earlier on I'm a meat-eater. So this isn't a personal

issue for me.

Secondly, as you'll see from some of the responses from vegetarians, for a lot of people the choice not to eat meat isn't a choice made because they don't like it; it's for moral reasons, or health ones, or because the taste/smell of meat nauseates or otherwise disgusts them.

And I don't know how many meat-eaters there are who genuinely do not like any food that doesn't involve meat.

igggi · 06/04/2012 16:56

Peoplesprincess - when you are cooking vegan food in a restaurant, do you not ensure it is kept well away from meat/dairy/egg products, and not use the same frying pan or grill etc to cook it? If not I don't think many vegans would be happy to eat your food!

lesley33 · 06/04/2012 17:08

I can see it would be different in a restaurant. But I cook for vegan friends and certainly don't have enough pots to have separate pans. Would people really expect this? Have never come across this before.

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/04/2012 17:38

It's a barbecue, they're bringing their own food, and as has been suggested, a separate, throwaway barbecue.
Being vegetarian is a legitimate choice.
Being precious about people that eat meat is judgemental, and a little bit annoying.

HillyWallaby · 06/04/2012 17:40

YY LBE

QuickLookBusy · 06/04/2012 17:46

But if the OP objects morally to animals being cooked/eaten, why should she have to smell and witness that in her own home?

TidyDancer · 06/04/2012 17:47

No one's being precious or judgemental Lady. There are quite a lot of (incorrect) assumptions going on on this thread.

Whatmeworry · 06/04/2012 17:50

Expecting vegetarians to be around meat is not the same as expecting meateaters to be around vegetables. Your assertion relies on that being a balanced contrast, which it just isn't.

and....

for a lot of people the choice not to eat meat isn't a choice made because they don't like it; it's for moral reasons, or health ones, or because the taste/smell of meat nauseates or otherwise disgusts them.

But, my need to eat meat is also for health reasons, and I have a moral belief that meat must be eaten at every meal, and the taste of tofu and veggie food in general disgusts me.

So now what? Who plays top trump? Why can't I have a blanced contrast. Why is your self declared belief superior?

Whatmeworry · 06/04/2012 17:51

But if the OP objects morally to animals being cooked/eaten, why should she have to smell and witness that in her own home?

It all comes down to whether you think the host's role is to make the guests comfortable, or vice versa.