to be so utterly shocked by what I have discovered by looking through my ELEVEN year old's phone...

[Cathycomehome]

and to feel like a terrible parent, and to not even recognize the child that wrote these messages?

Sorry - that's unanswerable - I didn't write what I found - - horrible swearing, talk about wanking, discussions about videos of kids kissing on you tube.

YANBU, scary the things children can come out with. Won't ask what they said, I'm not that nosey, I'll wait for someone else to ask... Hope whatever it is isn't too serious though. And I'm sure you aren't a terrible parent, kids don't stay kids for long these days.

And how bad were they?

Maybe time to take the phone off them for a while then. If this is what they're doing with it, they don't need it.

bangtastic, have asked for you

Other kids - same year group. One of the other kids (thankfully not my son, this one, but he's written some stuff I am shocked by too) was talking about porn he had on his (school) netbook, which my son has seen from his texts.

Thanks One!

sadly it happens, DH and I are looking to move more rural as we are sure being close to a large city means they grown up too fast

I know what you read is awful, but remember the chances are it is all being done to look "cool", and they probably dont understand half of it.

doesnt mean you shouldnt confiscate said phone mind you

Were they just general texts, all kids swear with their friends i guess (my eldest is 9 so i hope not just yet) or were they horrible texts directed at someone else?

Dps brother is 11, and I've seem what he is like on Facebook, I can only imagine how bad his phone would be. It wouldn't surprise me at all, don't think you are the only parent up against this

My eldest is 10 and is OBSESSED with swearing and anything sexual. I think the older kids tell them loads of stuff they don't really understand.
I've made it very clear that I won't tolerate swearing within my house and that the dirty talk makes me uncomfortable and that out of respect for me he mustn't do it at home.

So if it's any consolation, as long as he's not texting an adult, I think it's quite normal

I've confiscated the phone. We are rural - small village. Example "Ha - i wud wank ova that too". sob

*seen

um jane hate to break it to you but porn and bad language freely available in the country too. And drugs

My maybe you need to have a chat about porn and the way women are depicted and what is acceptable language.

Time to regain some control. The phone gets taken away for set period. Long talks re respect and appropriate behaviour - as embarrassing as you can make it. Squirming needs to be involved.

When the phone is returned it's on the condition that you have the power to look through its content every evening. Any hint of deleted messages and the phone goes/other appropriate punishment.

Don't throw in the towel here. This is salvageable. But time for some tough love.

You know he doesn't really know what he's talking about though. He's heard someone say that.

Is it that you're surprised he is wanking, ie growing up pm fast and not you're baby any more? Or that they've been looking at porn and using swear words?

Why do people think rural means safe, city is bad? Bad shit happens everywhere. My parents live in a really picturesque quaint town, tea rooms and gift shops etc - huge drug problem. I live in London, never seen any drugs.

If you do speak to him, it's a very fine line between explaining to him about your feelings with porn and making him feel that masturbating is something which is 'shameful' or shouldn't be done.

Well - he is nowhere near puberty physically, so I'd be amazed if he was actually wanking, but there's loads of very knowing talk about this and other things, also the swearing is the more extreme end of the market. They're in Year 7!

I would honestly be too embarrassed to tell you some of the messages.

I monitor FB very carefully, and hadn't really thought about the phone. Until I looked at it tonight.

Absolutely with Hassled, time for tough love. Turn him into a respectful young man.

Cathy, understand the shock, but it's one of the "pleasures" of transitioning to being the parent of a teenager ... and YOU ARE NOT A BAD PARENT... it is really, really hard because slowly we start to lose control. That's not to say we can't still influence. I'd think twice about coming clean about snooping on his phone (I've done that too by the way so not criticising you) , but informed by what you have learned from his phone, think of ways of steering conversations round to the subjects you need to tackle (e.g. if they come up on TV programmes, or "my friend told me that her son.... ") etc etc. I am NOT a liberal parent at all, but have an almost 19 year old as well as a younger teenager and have a different approach now.

Most importantly, please don't think you're a terrible parent - the fact that you posted this says that you are definitely not. That point when we don't recognise the lovely children we thought we had is awful - but is exactly the point at which you need to step in and think laterally about how you deal with it. Oh, and your DS sounds like a perfectly healthy teenager - which isn't to say what he is doing is right or nice, but I wasn't shocked at all, several years on from having the same experience.

Keep posting, lots of parents of teenagers will understand what you are experiencing x

Well, I've had the phone off him, and he knows EXACTLY how we feel about this - we sat and read it out to him. He was very squirmy and tearful. I just can't believe it of him - it's not the child I know, iykwim.