to be so utterly shocked by what I have discovered by looking through my ELEVEN year old's phone...

[Cathycomehome]

and to feel like a terrible parent, and to not even recognize the child that wrote these messages?

I've had to explain to ds1 at the age of about 8 much more than I'd have wanted to, purely because he needed a puriplasty (foreskin too tight) so had to tell him why it was necessary.

So I do have to check that it's still OK (which it wasn't) and have to ask him if he can still pull it back in case we need to go back to the surgeon. So he knows what he's supposed to be able to do with it. He demonstrated to me the other day (to my secret horror) how he could now do exactly that, and at some speed. Hence the conversation about how it's great he can do that, but NOT IN FRONT OF ME! Just needed to explain how some things he needs to do in the privacy of his own bedroom.

I'm a single mum and my boys don't have any male they can ask, so it is sometimes hard to know if I'm being prudish or setting boundaries out of respect to me

Is he primary or secondary school? Is he mixing with older kids, or kids with older siblings?

A lot of this is trying to keep up,with peers, it is horrible to see at first, my son put something on Facebook really sweaty and derogatory about a girl, it made me feel sick and disgusted. However, on looking through his friends posts, they are all as bad.

Is he 11 in Yr 7, ie, two terms into secondary or 11 in year 6, ie, still at primary school.

It sounds like little boys using naughty porny words they don't really understand the meaning of. There are some fabulous websites for parents about issues like this. I will try to dig out the stuff that ds's school has sent to us about internet/phone safety and cyber bullying.

Open, honest, non cross discussions are best ime (ours are 13 and 17 now). What they really need to know is that stuff that can be attributed to them and posted on the internet or into cyberspace is potentially damaging both now in the wrong hands and later when they are googled by prospective universities/employers and there is a multitude of stuff that makes them look less than their best.

Sweaty = sweary lol

took a phone call mid-post, so lots of other posts meantime. Not sure I agree with taking the phone away - the phone is just a means of communicating. The core issues are much deeper, and taking phones away isn't the solution . Agree that there is a need for a discussion about porn... and also for a discussion about swearing. WHat is appropriate, what isn't, why it's not right etc etc.

Oh - missed post lilolilmanchester - thank you - I just am so upset by it really; it's good to know he may be being normally teenagery and not actually the worst (pre) teen ever.

I got slightly worried for a second there Rhino! :o

(Ithink most boys are masterbating by this age, many much younger. That isn't the problem though really) You are a good parent because you checked his phone and are responding to what yu have found. I'm a teacher, I know the minds of little boys pretty well, he is not unusual - but you are doing exactly the right thing by briging it out in the open and tackling him about this.

Wanking, kissing and swearing.

Is it just me tht doesn't't sound too bad in the scheme of things?

Oh - missed posts again - he's eleven in y7 - August birthday. Some conversations perfectly normal about xbox games, some with other kids all sweary and horrible. Lots of conversations with girls about whether they are "still going out" and "shall we kiss in the bus park" for example.

Agree it's lots to do with older boys telling them stuff they don't understand. I know one of ds1's friend's brothers goes on the urban dictionary, only because I recognise some of the things he asks me.

I have to say that being unflappable and unshockable takes the wind out of his sails

Sounds like a normal kid, as long as he's not bullying anyone or being groomed by older perverts then you shouldn't be too worried. All boys are obsessed with wanking and swearing when they hit an age of becoming aware of it. Curiosity is a sign of intelligence

You sat him down and read it out to him to embarrass him?

Well that's one way to ensure he never speaks to you about stuff like that again!

If he were 13 or 14, I might have been less surprised/upset - but some of these conversations are like tuning in to a racier episode of the Inbetweeners!

Try here
familylives.org.uk/gotateenager

I'm trying to think back to what I was like in year 7 and I'm sure we all used filthy language in groups of mates...and giggled about things like wanking etc...

I think the difference now is, with mobile phones and FB etc...it's all there in typing, rather than in whispered giggles.

No, because at 13/14 he'll still be your 'baby'

Cathy have you talked to him about wanking etc?

Well, tbf, muffinflop, he wasn't exactly talking to me about it in the first place - I mean, I knew he knew about stuff, but not that he was actually talking about doing it! That may have been a really crap thing to do, but I was a bit shocked - I didn't really think about it, it was more "OMG - come out here and explain what THIS is about" iyswim.

From the examples you've given, it sounds like normal teenage behaviour. If all he's talking about is kissing girls at the bus stop, that seems pretty tame and age appropriate to me.

Why did you want to humiliate your son by reading out the messages?

I definitely think at 11 he will probably be wanking. It doesn't sound that extreme to me, probably mostly bravado.

He knows a LOT. And understands it. He has alays been pretty open about talking to us about sex and stuff, and we're not particulrly hung up on swearing as long as he's not doing it in public etc, but this stuff was horrible. I can't really explain WHY it was so horrible.

I think Worra has a good point about it being written down, rather than just whispered about.

OK deep breath Remark from other kid regarding my current pregnancy. Followed by "Bet your mum and dad watched loads of porn before your mum got pregnant. Bet you do too". "Yeah yeah LOL and my baby brother and the little shit isn't even born yet".

THIS. This is the worst, by the way. But pretty bad, no?

those who asked why I think city=bad, rural=better.

I think its partly jsut blind hope!! and also I can see, that those children I know who live in more rural areas, just see, well "younger", than my older ones - while being the same age biologically.

But Cathycomber has just shattered my dream of a rural idyl.