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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so utterly shocked by what I have discovered by looking through my ELEVEN year old's phone...

165 replies

Cathycomehome · 02/04/2012 22:46

and to feel like a terrible parent, and to not even recognize the child that wrote these messages?

OP posts:
mrswattnot · 03/04/2012 09:47

Imo some posters are underestimating what some 11 yr olds know about and get up to.

A 12 yr old boy I know, who looks younger, was having a sexual relationship with his 13 yr old girlfriend. This came to light when the police visited both sets of parents after a video was posted on facebook by a third party of the couple having sex. Both sets of parents were completely unaware their children were having sex and even more horrified that they had done this whilst being filmed by a friend and that it had then been posted on fbk.

Both kids come from "nice families" who would never have expected them to be having a sexual relationship, never mind whatever else was going on re filming it.

Angeleena · 03/04/2012 09:49

I would think it's alot of peer pressure. Not saying that DS is a little angel being lead astray but that DS is one of a crowd and has to be seen to join in with the banter or risk being ridiculed.

You are his mum whom he loves and a heart to heart about what YOU think about the comments will be taken on board even if he can't then, despite your comments, risk being seen to behave differently with his peers.

Sex is the big unknown and being crude about DM and DD having sex is better than the true situation in that he is mortally embarrassed by it, what is more cringemaking at that age than oldies having sex? worse still parents!

Greythorne · 03/04/2012 09:56

I am baffled by those saying that this boy's disrespectful and objectifying attitude to girls / women is ok and age appropriate.

The OP is right to be shocked.

11 year old boys discussing their parents watching porn is wrong and nasty and does not show a healthy attitude towards sex.

Op: I agree with Hassled way hotheads that you need some tough love.

If he thinks of women like this (slut, goes out with anyone, porn as normal), how on earth will he treat women when he is 17???

dementedma · 03/04/2012 09:57

scary stuff. DS is 10 and I think the only kid in his school who doesn't have a mobile phone. Wonder how much longer I can hold out?

BlueFergie · 03/04/2012 10:07

I don't think this is has huge as you have made it out. I mean wanking discussions are perfectly normal surely for boys entering puberty. All the swearing is bravado and trying to be cool. Kissing? So what?
Ok if he was looking at porn I would worried about that and calling a girl a slut is completely unacceptable. I would be having a conversation about respect for women and the dangers and exploitation of the porn industry.
I would be careful about handling this. Making him feel ashamed could effect his view and make him think wanking and sex are shameful and dirty when they are neither.
I really wouldn't worry about the text about you and the baby. You are pregnant this means you and his dad had sex. to teenage or pre teenage boys (or girls) this is hilarious and worth months of slagging. When we were 16 my good friends mum got pregnant. We teased her unmercifully about her parents shagging, positions etc. in the end she had to join in and agree with us it was the only way to get through it. We still laugh now about how mortified she was when she told us! As for calling his brother a little shit I don't think this shows a callousness, I often referred to my own in these terms when I was pregnant and they were kicking the shit out of me or pressing on my bladder etc. I still love them and I am sure your DS will love his little brother to. Referring to him as 'my little brother' rather than the baby certainly indicates an attachment.

BarbarianMum · 03/04/2012 10:17
Original poster
Cathycomehome · 03/04/2012 10:20

Hi, thanks for all advice. Son very sheepish and upset this morning. Upset that we were upset and disappointed. Had a long talk about it all. Upshot being that he knows all this stuff was inappropriate and horrible, but I do think there's a lot of egging on and bravado from all of them. On re reading his phone, at least he was saying the porn on the other boy's netbook was "disgusting" and "horrible" (not excusing anything he's written, by the way).

As regards our baby, and his feelings towards that, he has been so excited about it, talking abou it a lot unprompted and positively at home, although I was worried nearer the start of the pregnancy as he had one tearful bed time when he was worried about being "replaced". But he said he has had a lot of teasing about me being pregnant at school, so felt "like he had to just answer back", which sort of makes sense at a push.

Anyway, I've kept the phone, he accepts he's not getting it back for a while and we will be checking it when he does. Other than all this, I think we're just going to leave it alone now, and just be as vigilant as we can; obviously can't police what they actually say to each oher at school.

On the plus side also, he has lots of normal friendly text conversations with girls and boys, so I don't think he really has a horrible attitude towards girls.

Sorry if this is a bit rambly and incoherent; I'm exhausted, didn't sleep well last night.

Lego making, football loving, child who loves Wallace and Gromit and has teddies versus these text messages is difficult to understand.

OP posts:
pictish · 03/04/2012 10:22

I agree. I would most unimpressed to discover my 11 year old son referring to girls around his own age as 'sluts'.
I'd have him sat down for a long talk.

Mrsjay · 03/04/2012 10:25

it happens it is a shock but kids speak like that when not in parents earshot Sad I discovered some iffy messages on my dds phone when she was 12 i was Blush at the language yet i thought she was an innocent, you are not an awful parent when children go to high school they are exposed to language and sex talk that we wouldnt use at home , im not sure how you should deal with it , keep looking at the phone though I did just to check , I cant remember if i said anything to dd though i think i left it tbh

ToastofWar · 03/04/2012 10:41

DS1 is 10.5 and he has a cheap mobile, but barely uses it, so no doubt once he moves to high school, I will come across similar issues.

You were right to pull him up on the messages, and especially the one where he refers to girls as sluts - this really needs to be addressed.

I will say, however, that in DS1's YR6 group, it's a group of girls that seem very forward and have used BBM for bullying other girls. The boys I know are too busy giggling about sex and making silly jokes Hmm.

Proudnscary · 03/04/2012 11:41

My son is (a very innocent) 10 and I am dreading all this so reading thread with interest and horror!

At 11/12 I was smoking, drinking, getting off (does anyone even say that anymore?) with boys. So I know exactly what this age group can be getting up to.

The main difference nowadays, that others have touched on, is that this new breed of porn is so easily accessible. I hate the thought that young boys think it's the norm for girls to have huge fake tits, shaven minges and talk and act like porn stars during sex. Shudder.

ariadne1 · 03/04/2012 11:48

Cathy- just be reassured your child is 100% normal!

WibblyBibble · 03/04/2012 11:59

I think it's normal for an 11 yo to masturbate, but it's not in any way normal for them to use sexualised insults about girls. Obviously there is some gender related banter at around that age but really he needs to be told that girls are human beings and that it is not acceptable to talk about them in that way, and that if he does he will grow up to be a sad lonely man because any sensible girl will not be interested in someone who thinks that their sexuality is dirty or 'slutty'. I know 11 year old boys (dd1 is 10 so has some friends of this age) and the decent ones are not like this- yes they giggle about 'snogging' and sex and things but they don't insult girls like that, any more than they would make racist comments or whatever. You really need to sort him out if you want him to have normal relationships as an adult and not end up one of the horrible men people post about in Relationships here... (Also er I wouldn't let an 11yo have a phone of his/her own except for emergencies but I guess that's a parenting choice).

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 03/04/2012 12:14

Well, as I said, WibblyBibble, we've done our best to "sort him out" this morning, I've thought long and hard about it (believe me!) and taken on board advice from on here - what else do you suggest I do now?

OP posts:
SugarBabyLove · 03/04/2012 12:18

Agree with Wibblybibble. Good luck.

musicismylife · 03/04/2012 12:18

...my eleven year old would be very shocked if he looked through my phone Wink

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 03/04/2012 12:19

But what more should I do? Genuine question?

OP posts:
pinkhebe · 03/04/2012 12:20

The language my son uses (same age and yr) is awful, and the text speak...

Luckily when he texts me it's in proper words Grin

We did have a text from his friend asking if he wanked over x, he replied 'no only y' (his girlfriend)

I think you need to keep an eye on it, we had discussions about the fact that when he sends texts, they can be shown to lots of other people, and always assume that other people will read them.

SugarBabyLove · 03/04/2012 12:20

If you are on good terms with his best friend's parents, I would tell them. Show them the messages. There should be zero tolerance to this sort of thing.

pinkhebe · 03/04/2012 12:21

I have never let on that I read them - I want to be able to check them, not find they are all deleted! But it shows what I need to talk with him about

duchesse · 03/04/2012 12:22

Cathy I think you're doing everything you can. Unfortunately it seems that the denigrating girls and women thing is very prevalent in modern culture and you may need to keep reinforcing that message over the coming years in different ways- maybe discussing domestic violence and other issues that affect mainly women. For now however he's had a very clear message from you that you find those opinions unacceptable and he will continue to build his own ethics on the topic over the coming years, hopefully independently from what his friends say or do. That's all you can do.

Merrylegs · 03/04/2012 12:31

It is the curse of the modern age I'm afraid. Everything is written down now and everything is traceable. In the olden days we said this stuff but no one really knew because the words disappeared.

I would tell him that whatever he writes down is traceable. Anyone could potentially read it, even if he thinks it is password protected. Teachers, other parents, family. All my kids have their grandad as their FB friend and I also have their passwords. It makes them pause before writing: 'what would grandad think?' You are absolutely right though to pull him up on it and make him accountable to someone - he needs that boundary.

And I wish wibblybibbly were right, but I'm afraid there is a lot of sexist, racist and homophobic language between young 'normal' 'from good families' 'ought to know better' kids flying around facebook.

piratecat · 03/04/2012 12:52

well, it's your first time, of many first time things.

we have all been on here wondering what to do about x y or z, from the moment they were born, so why not now! This post has helped me, and given me food for thought.

I would have been shocked too, it's a whole new level and world isn't it. You have talked to him, and shared here.

I think keeping the phone would be pointless now, he knows he got carried away with the big boy stuff. The hormones, the age the new stuff they are learning about must be very overwhelming.

God i remember learning about what the word 'come' meant, and bloody hell we did not dare say it an ANY context. What a mare.

I guess you just have to get past this now, and be a guiding light, as ever!! take care.

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 03/04/2012 13:06

I just wrote a long reply and it didn't work!

In short, I hope a lesson has been learnt from this incident, by him, and also by us not to be naive about what kids this age can be up to. The vast majority of the stuff on his phone was normal conversations between son and boys AND girls - the two dodgy conversations were with boys who are not his close friends - one I don't know at all, but the other I know his mum a bit, and he is from a "nice" background.

My son is not a horrible child honestly! He's usually very sweet. Just hope this has been nipped in the bud and won't happen again.

OP posts:
Angeleena · 03/04/2012 13:27

Cathy, well done.