to be so utterly shocked by what I have discovered by looking through my ELEVEN year old's phone...

[Cathycomehome]

and to feel like a terrible parent, and to not even recognize the child that wrote these messages?

Cathy it does sound as though he's just trying to fit in with a cool kid
I'm sure he doesn't really think like that about you

I think that as soon as kids start to realise that everyone has sex, they start to be horrified at the thought their parents must have done it at least as many times as there are children

Surely the 'and my baby brother who isn't even born yet' is sarcasm, just like he is being sarcastic about his mum and dad watching porn. He's just having banter in response to a friends cringey comment.

in 5 years time you'll feel differently, right now it is shocking - and also a heads up that you need to start tackling some of these things. But from what you say, nothing ringing any alarm bells for me and definitely don't feel bad about it (in terms of you as a parent, but you will no doubt feel bad that your little cherub is morphing into something you don't recognise). If you spot behaviour you're concerned about, post again - probably best on separate threads with more specific topics. Feel for you, been there, but you will come out the other side, and not an easy time for him either so you do need to find ways to broach the topics. IF he watches Hollyoaks or Waterloo Road or similar, I found they gave good entrees to difficult subjects!

I dunno. He does try and fit in; he's always worried about not being in with the in crowd. But this stuff is horrible. Not very nice about some girls either, tbh.

Seems I have handled this badly; feel worse now!

I think you are over reacting. It is all normal for boys of this age to try wanking and they dont need their mums to humilate them over it. It will just mean that he will be even less likely to discuss things with you and you can bet your life he will remember to delete texts off his phone in furture.

I haven't got anything useful to add but I feel for you and dread being in your shoes. My DS1 is 11 but still in yr6, it's the change when they go to secondary school that everyone talks about which is a horrible thought.

Good Luck with the whole situation, thinking of you.

OK deep breath Remark from other kid regarding my current pregnancy. Followed by "Bet your mum and dad watched loads of porn before your mum got pregnant. Bet you do too". "Yeah yeah LOL and my baby brother and the little shit isn't even born yet".

Cathy, has he got a baby brother and you are pregnant?? Or does he mean your bump??

It's not about the wanking.

I dont think you are over reacting, and I was am liberal (ish), because he has abused his phone.

janedoe - the "bet your mum and dad..." from other kid, next remark from my son re: his impending baby brother.

I think the OP has just had a shock because it was written down in front of her IYSWIM.

Seeing that sort of thing in a text or written on Facebook, is kind of the modern day equivalent of being trapped under your kid's bed when they're having a sleepover with all their mates.

I'm sure we'd all want to stick our fingers in our ears and block out what our 'babies' say when amongst friends

And I'm sure they'd die if they found us under there!

If it is not the wanking then what?

The rest is just talk to appear cool with his mates or is he doing something ilegal or dangerous.

I think I would speak to him about talking about babies watching porn tbh, for his own sake.

It is normal, (have children of varying ages), but, not by text, at the end of the day, you are paying for his phone, so he needs to respect that, at 11 or 16.

As I say to my 16 year old, that phone is in my name.

I wouldn't care if it was "have you tried x?" talk about experimenting or whatever, cantspel, I would still find it cringey, but normal iykwim, but it's the disrespectful language about girls (my son appears to be the last of the international playboys when it comes to dating!!

Example (from girl to son) Y did u dump x? Son: Just did - anyway she is a slut, she goes out with eny1.

This may be worse than previous example of worst actually, in some ways, I guess), the talk about porn and the talk of putting vieos of each other on youtube. If that makes more sense, I don't know.

Yes I think that's the point, it's written down so it persists and others can see it. Boys and girls have always exchanged smutty comments, innuendo and rude jokes. But seeing it in black and White is far worse.
Your DS has to understand that a friends parent or a teacher might condors ate their friends phone.
Texting or FB is not a giggle in the school toilets and he must not do it.

He may think it's innocent, but if any off it is taken as bullying he can get in real trouble.

I'm really surprised by the number of posters who think it's a good idea to confiscate his phone and carry out detailed surveillance of any future texting.

He sounds to me like a normal boy, full of bravado now he's at secondary school - but still trying to negotiate his way into adolescence at the same time. He's clearly a lovely boy at home, otherwise the OP wouldn't have been so shocked by her discovery. He's still that lovely boy OP, nothing has changed. He's entitled to his privacy the same as we all are.

OP, I really feel for you - I have a teenage Dd, and it's hard when you uncover evidence of their growing up / growing away. But I really think your humiliation of him was uncalled for. He must have found that excruciating.
I understand that you reacted out of shock, but if I were in your shoes now I'd be explaining the reaction you had, apologising, and using the opportunity to talk with him.

Confiscate their phone

I thought that, startail, about someone else seeing any of their phones. The written down thing - well it's there then, isn't it?

I would have words with him for calling a girl a slut and explain why it is not a nice thing to call her.
The rest i wouldn't stress about as i would see it as just trying to appear cool to his friends.
This stage does pass as they gain a bit of maturity but the important thing is not to over react and make him feel that there is something odd or wrong about his new found interest in sex.

I've had a look around occasionally at the children's messages on Facebook... haven't spoken to them about it, but it's the "ur so gay lol" kind of insults. Hard to know the tone if it's full-on homophobic bullying or the insult du-jour which is meant as nothing more than light-hearted banter. But I'm so worried that if some child is offended then the fact my children have those discussions on their Facebook might implicate them.

I talk to them on a regular basis about never putting anything in writing that they mean to be transitory, throw-away. Once it's in print it can last forever and be held against you by school and police authorities. Also I tell them not to use homophobic base insults. There's already been trouble at the school about it. If anyone is rude to my children on Facebook I make the children delete that child off their friends list, life's too short to let stupid bullies into your Facebook page. Better to cut off communication than get into a slagging match.

It must be really hard, Cathy, but some kids do go through phases like this. A LOT of boys talk horribly about girls at that age - I was having a conversation with my boyfriend the other day and was horrified to discover he used to have conversations with his mates calling girls 'skets' and sluts etc! He just told me this out of nowhere, and said when he got older he felt really ashamed about it. I think at that age a lot of stuff comes from hormones. Their testosterone has started flying around and they feel a weird mixture between angry and moody, but they are starting to think about girls sexually, too -- I guess it must be confusing for young boys, and while you should come down hard on disrespectful language used in your presence IMO, you shouldn't take too much issue with what he's saying with his mates. He's probably just trying to a) fit in and b) is in the horribly hormonal stage of puberty where you act in a crazy way.

Regarding talking about porn - It's sad that kids have access to it that young, but I remember when I was 11 the male son of my mum's best friend, also 11, showed me a very explicit porn video. I would NEVER watch porn now but found it weirdly exciting because it was something I had never seen or contemplated before and we had weird, giggly conversations about it which I then felt terribly guilty about. I was consumed with guilt for months. Your son was probably just trying to fit in with his friends and is started to discover some aspects of sex, and he must be horribly embarrassed that you read those texts. Please go easy on him. FWIW the mate who showed me the porn video is now 20, like me, and he's a great, considerate guy. We're still very good friends.

I don't think it was the right decision to read it out, that sounds horribly humliating for him. I would apologise for that if I were you.
Also the baby brother comment sounds like a silly, ironic teenage joke.

Disclaimer - these are my very NON-EXPERT opinions and no, I don't have children.

Listen...I'm no hysterical mum at all...and I'd be at those messages.
I do think it's all bluster and pose...but I'd be lecturing chatting to him about his crappy attitude and calling girls sluts anyway.

Children age under 13 are not allowed on facebook.

Report them, and all their friends, here: www.facebook.com/help/contact_us.php?id=210036389087590

link www.facebook.com/help/contact_us.php?id=210036389087590

It's not facebook. It's his mobile phone.