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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my ex-husbands new partner that he uses prostitutes and gay 'cottaging' sites?

146 replies

Baronetta · 01/04/2012 21:01

Those were the reasons why I divorced him. He's moving in with a woman with four young children.

Should I say something? I don't really know her very well.

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 11:21

It may be up to this woman to sort out her own sexual health but, . . . she will sort it depending on however she rates the risks. If he doesn't tell her he still goes to prostitutes how can she assess the risk?

If to her he is just a man who used to be married and doesn't take part in any sort of risky behaviour (which may be what he tells her) then she may not use barrier contraception at all. A lot of people wouldn't and don't if they think they they are in a monogamous relationship. You only have to look at the relationship board and all the women who find out their husbands have been having an affair or going to prostitutes. They are urged over and over to go to get checked because they haven't been using condoms. Although what is often pointed out is that condoms are not 100% so to get checked anyway.

Its bloody scary going for a hiv test. I wonder how many of those women whilst sitting in the waiting room for their results would rather someone had warned them.

WorraLiberty · 02/04/2012 11:21

I didn't say that's alright then did I? Hmm

My point is, that just because he's looked at cottaging websites, it doesn't mean he's had sex with other men.

All we know from what the OP has said is that he used to visit prostitutes when they were married.

The rest of it you're making up in your over active mind....and that's not enough reason to tell the woman he's with that he's had sex with other men.

Garliccheesechips · 02/04/2012 11:23

Hey OP. I think this isn't for you to get involved with. You're not with him and you can't interfere with his new relationships. Just be glad you're rid.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

SoupDragon · 02/04/2012 11:24

I might be inclined to tell her anonymously from the POV that she needs to be extra careful wrt her own sexual health.

WorraLiberty · 02/04/2012 11:27

If to her he is just a man who used to be married and doesn't take part in any sort of risky behaviour (which may be what he tells her) then she may not use barrier contraception at all. A lot of people wouldn't and don't if they think they they are in a monogamous relationship

If she's that daft then again it's not up to the OP to sort out her possible sexual health issues is it?

He could have slept with a very nice monogamous lady who'd slept with someone in the past who happened to be carrying something dangerous without knowing it.

By your reckoning, we should all be following everyone around reminding them to use condoms and get tested regularly 'just in case'.

Very strange.

ComposHat · 02/04/2012 11:34

poopoo you really are a charmer.

Well try referring to the op's poster as 'random bumsex man' call me a prude, but isn't bisexual or bicurious preferred term less gratuitously offensive?

PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 11:42

Worra. No its not strange at all. I think a lot of people wouldn't consider him as a monogamous man who has just ended a marriage less risky then a man who visits prostitutes and possibly takes part in cottaging.

That's what high risk means! Don't you know that?

Its not much different when you go to donate blood and they ask if you have injected drugs, had unprotected sex etc first . . . Its how they rate high risk.

Yes everyone should wear a condom but a lot don't. Her being too stupid to wear one doesn't mean she deserves to catch an std as you seem to imply.

Oh and they are not 100% which makes your "too stupid" comment invalid.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 11:43

Compos. No, i still call it bum sex. Bum sex is bum sex whoever you are doing it with.

And right back at you regarding the charmer comment.

WorraLiberty · 02/04/2012 11:48

How does a condom not being 100%, invalidate the fact it's stupid to have unprotected sex with someone just because you've assumed they've been monogamous?

So you assume your partner has been monogamous, therefore you assume his ex wife was also monogamous?

That's a hell of a lot of assumptions considering your life may/may not be at risk.

It's totally stupid imo and still not the OP's responsibility to ensure a grown woman makes sure her partner uses condoms.

susiedaisy · 02/04/2012 11:49

Haven't read every post but I got the impression the op was concerned not about the four children's safety but about their emotional wellbeing when it all comes out in the open with the new women and the relationship breaks down which the op believes will eventually happen,

WorraLiberty · 02/04/2012 11:52

Again susie that's not really any of the OP's business.

Relationships break down all the time for all sorts of reasons.

My ex was absolutely useless with money and would get into secret debt all the time...that's often enough to break a relationship but I never felt the need to follow him around, warning all future girlfriends with kids.

susiedaisy · 02/04/2012 11:53

op it's a difficult one to know whether to inform the new women I have felt the same about my exH and his new women but have decided against telling her about his abuse, porn, money issues, as she would most likely tell me where to go, and my exH would just get nasty as hell and our dc would suffer stuck in the middle.

susiedaisy · 02/04/2012 11:57

No your right it's none of her business Worral but it doesn't stop her feeling concerned about it, I still feel worried for my exH new women's little boy because when my exH looses his rag bugger me does he go mad and has throttled both me and both my dc in the past, but do I tell or just let the new women find out after her dc has been physically attacked ??

ComposHat · 02/04/2012 12:00

I don't buy tour argument one bit, especially as worra has already said you have not one shred of evidence that this 'random bum sex man' has engaged in promiscous anal sex. You lept to that on your own accord.

Which speaks absolutel volumes

WorraLiberty · 02/04/2012 12:05

susie if he had physically attacked my children I would make sure everyone knew about it.

elinorbellowed · 02/04/2012 12:11

Ahem. I hate to spoil the fun, but the OP agreed about 3 pages ago that she wasn't going to tell her.

susiedaisy · 02/04/2012 12:11

Thanks Worral, I will step back now don't want to hijack op' s thread just wanted to say I can see why she may be concerned!

ComposHat · 02/04/2012 12:14

I agree with worra there is world of difference between a violent ex-partner whom I would pursue to the end of the earth to prosecute and and some one who had a varied sex life before I met them.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 12:50

Worra. Referring to your 11.48 post. It invalidated it because the woman is at risk no matter who careful sin is T9 use condoms. I believe you do actually understand this, you about possibly not.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 12:52

Susie. I've got similar. An ex who used to beat me up. Now has wife and kids. Sad

WorraLiberty · 02/04/2012 12:53

PooPoo everyone is at risk and therefore it's up to them to take their own precautions.

And if you're going to try to patronise me, you might stand a slightly better chance if you understood that.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 12:59

Compos. Is your 12.00 post aimed at me. If so . . . The op KNOWS he went with prostitutes and that's pretty promiscuos in my opinion! Obviously don't know about yours! Whether thermal is proof that he's actually taken part in cottaging is neither here nor there. Prostitutes is bad enough.

By the way, is the ex in this thread yours and worrals bestest friend?

PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 12:59

There is proof

WorraLiberty · 02/04/2012 13:05

Are you feeling ok PooPoo because your typing has become quite erratic and you're starting to come across as a little strange?