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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my ex-husbands new partner that he uses prostitutes and gay 'cottaging' sites?

146 replies

Baronetta · 01/04/2012 21:01

Those were the reasons why I divorced him. He's moving in with a woman with four young children.

Should I say something? I don't really know her very well.

OP posts:
NigellasGuest · 01/04/2012 22:47

I thought Cottaging was a nice weekend in the Cotswolds
[disillusioned]

TrueRomance28 · 01/04/2012 22:49

I think you should keep it to yourself.

Her sexual health is her own responsibility, and so are her children.

I can understand you worrying about her children, but a good mother would do everything she could to protect her kids from the fallout (if there is one) and to protect them from knowing about his seedy acts.
And like others have said, she may already know and be turning a blind eye or might be into it herself. None of us really know what goes on behind closed doors after all.

She probably wouldn't want to believe you and it could all end up a right mess.

I do feel for you though.

Birdsgottafly · 01/04/2012 22:50

Awkward- having any unprotected anal or vaginal sex puts a person at risk of HIV, he may be having safe sex.

The prostitutes carry more risk, especially if they work the streets.

There is now going to be fallout whether he moves in or not, if the OP says anything.

maddening · 01/04/2012 22:53

If you have children with exh then leave it, you don't want to be involved in any fall out heading your way.

if not then your choice but it isn't what I would do for many of the reasons offered above - there are so many opportunities for this to work out badly for you.

bobbledunk · 01/04/2012 23:00

I would warn her, I would never forgive myself if four children lost their mother to aids or some other disease because I kept my mouth shut. If she chose to stay with him and accept the risk, then that's her choice, her responsibility, her guilt, not on my conscience.

I'd want to know so I could protect my health. Do onto others and all thatSmile

ComposHat · 01/04/2012 23:03

Surely it is her responsibility to get herself tested if she's having unprotected sex with a new partner?

I know I would if I started a relationship with someone.

WorraLiberty · 01/04/2012 23:06

Oh for goodness sake!

Anyone who has unprotected sex is at risk unless both they and their partner to be takes a test at the same time.

So by that reckoning, everyone should take a HIV/full STD check before entering into a relationship and not using condoms.

solidgoldbrass · 01/04/2012 23:09

Actually, a lot of people who like casual sex (whether or not they are ethical about monogamy) are careful WRT their sexual health, use condoms and get regular checkups. It's a bit mundane to assume that just because someone is, oh dear, boo, waa, not monogamous, that s/he is completely reckless about STI risk. I appreciate that you are very hurt by your XH's infidelity, OP, but now he's your X what he does sexually is none of your business.

Oh and HIV infection is no longer a death sentence, either, unless you are living in desperate poverty in the third world. I know quite a few HIV+ people who are living full, happy lives, they just have to take medication every day. It's not great, but it's now a manageable health condition, so wailing and bawling that this man's partner might drop dead because of his sexual tastes is kind of over-dramatizing.

Birdsgottafly · 01/04/2012 23:09

Bobble- people in the UK, don't die of AIDS, HIV doesn't lead to AIDS if treated.

The ignorance on this thread is unbelievable.

Cherriesarelovely · 01/04/2012 23:16

You will probably be surprised to hear that we had a friend in the same situation as this! In the end she didn't say anything, a large part of that was that she still had quite a close relationship with his parents and if they had found out that she had spread this info they would probably have never forgiven her. I don't know if there is a way for you to do this without looking like it's "sour grapes" on your part but I totally understand why you would want to.

PooPooInMyToes · 01/04/2012 23:18

That's not true birds!

HIV can be treated and can hugely help but in some just delays the onset of full blown aid. By your reckoning no one dies of it in this country which is rubbish!

PooPooInMyToes · 01/04/2012 23:19

Aids!

bobbledunk · 01/04/2012 23:23

Oh so it's ok to infect people then...Confused, personally I would rather be warned so that I could protect myself from infection. A lifelong, grievous illness requiring a cocktail of strong medication to survive isn't really a minor little thing to most people.

And people do die from AIDS, an old friend of mine died in a hospice from AIDS in his thirties, oh wait, no it was the pneumonia that his AIDS ravaged body couldn't fight againstAngry He picked it up from dirty needles, at least he chose that risk.

Pretending that it is not serious is plain stupid and ignorant.

AwkwardMary · 01/04/2012 23:25

I think a lot of people are naive about cottaging practices...its extreme sex...and unprotected sex is very often a part of that...

AwkwardMary · 01/04/2012 23:26

worra most of the people I know...straight and gay DO have tests before entering into unprotected monogamous relationships. It's normal.

AwkwardMary · 01/04/2012 23:28

Look..he's a person who indulges in casual sex...whether woman, man, gay or straight and by that reckoning yes...OP...tell her. She may know nothing of his history. You have nothing to lose by telling her.

WorraLiberty · 01/04/2012 23:30

worra most of the people I know...straight and gay DO have tests before entering into unprotected monogamous relationships. It's normal

Exactly! So why does the OP feel the need to go following her ex around to announce what sexual practices he got up to during their marriage?

It's up to everyone to take responsibility for their own sexual health...it's nothing to do with the OP.

Unless of course she's simply intent on preventing him from being happy with anyone in the future, just because he wasn't happy with her.

Birdsgottafly · 01/04/2012 23:33

It is exceptionally unusual for a non addict (so reasonably healthy) person to die. There are other factors in the deaths, rather than just infection of the virus, such as poor health/low body weight.

As said, anyone is at risk, who doesn't practise safe sex.

Any new relationship carries risk, just because someone is bi, doesn't mean it gives the right to other people to intefer and trouble cause.

Mrbojangles1 · 01/04/2012 23:35

I think you would just come off bitter

A- if you are split as you say you have no real proof That he is still doing it
B- how do you know he hasn't not already told her the truth about why the marrige failed
C- even if she does not know she might not give a shit
D- unless you plan to go round telling all his exs hoping that this news will make him a pariah n no woman will touch him I think you need to move on

I very much doubt he is giving you as much though as you are him

Birdsgottafly · 01/04/2012 23:36

he's a person who indulges in casual sex

So are lott of people, go look at the thread about one night stands and fuck buddies.

I doubt that she hasn't selt with him already, he is moving in, not asking the OW on a first date, the horse has bolted, the OP will look bitter.

Are all those people now considered unclean Confused.

Mrbojangles1 · 01/04/2012 23:38

I don't think this is about sexual health I think it's about op getting revenge and not being ale to move on

The only thing I would tell and ex partners new squeeze about is if they were kiddy fiddling and to be honest I think even then I would contact ss to let them know ex was with somone with kids rather than approach girlfriend direct

FreudianSlipper · 01/04/2012 23:39

a man who is needing so much outside sex a relationship should not be in a relationship, no healthy realtionship is that tolerant

aids still kills in this country, the treatment only prolongs life for many so i am not sure who is the most ignorant here

WorraLiberty · 01/04/2012 23:45

a man who is needing so much outside sex a relationship should not be in a relationship, no healthy realtionship is that tolerant

How do you know how much sex he had?

The OP hasn't told us?

FreudianSlipper · 01/04/2012 23:56

true i do not

but if this is what he is doing really why is he in a realtionship

this is not casual sex, it is jsut an act what is wrong with a wank, it coems with risks that he may be passing on to his partner unless you think all those that do are always safe, there are no drug users amoung the prostitutes and none that are willing to practise unsafe sex

nothingoldcanstay · 02/04/2012 00:04

I got the impression that the OP was more concerned that he liked men rather than women. It was the living a lie that was a concern as there is no mention of him being unsafe.

Like everyone else has said. It won't do any good. Everyone thinks they can do better than the last partner, otherwise no one would bother. She'll just have to be proved right or wrong as you were.