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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my ex-husbands new partner that he uses prostitutes and gay 'cottaging' sites?

146 replies

Baronetta · 01/04/2012 21:01

Those were the reasons why I divorced him. He's moving in with a woman with four young children.

Should I say something? I don't really know her very well.

OP posts:
banditqueen · 01/04/2012 21:35

Is it detailed in your divorce petition and did he admit it then? Maybe a way round her assuming you're making it up...

ComposHat · 01/04/2012 21:35

Oh Kate, how very jejune (Were that I still was)

Cottaging is the practice of seeking out other gentlemen for anonymous sexual practices (often wanking or sucking off through glory holes drilled in cubicles) It is so called because many older public toilets resemble cottages.

The loos by me are so well known for cottaging that they local newsagents sell poppers.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 01/04/2012 21:36

I can see why you would want to warn her but "My ex/your other half visits prostitutes and likes to go cottaging" would make anyone sound like a bitter and twisted ex, no matter what their intentions were.

I would be very tempted myself though if I thought some innocent person isthat risk of a horrible STD.

NowThenWreck · 01/04/2012 21:37

You seem to know a lot about this compos Wink

Angelico · 01/04/2012 21:40

Really awkward situation. The thing is, he is obviously gay and will eventually come bursting out of the closet. As you have pointed out there is a danger he will leave a trail of destruction behind him. This exact situation happened with a couple I know - both very nice people. The man had been married before, had looked at gay porn etc, then married again before finally coming out. He is much happier now but it is very hard for his ex-wife. Honestly don't know what to advise you - probably just do whatever your conscience dictates.

DorothyGherkins · 01/04/2012 21:48

If I was the other woman, then I would appreciate being told. Even if I didnt believe it at first, or thought it was sour grapes, I would appreciate it being on my radar. Especially with young children around. If I didnt want to believe it, then I wouldnt believe it.

WorraLiberty · 01/04/2012 21:58

I'd leave well alone because as other's have said, you'll just come across as bitter and twisted.

The woman's kids are her own responsibility and they could split up in future for any reason so I'm not sure what you mean by The only thing I thought I would gain from it was a clear conscience regarding the possibility of young children being exposed to the fall out of it all

Just move on with your life and let him move on with his.

ComposHat · 01/04/2012 22:00

You seem to know a lot about this compos

Well to quote Frank Sinatra, 'I've lived a life that's full, I've travelled each and every byway.' (Especially those leading to public toilets)

KateSpade · 01/04/2012 22:06

Whats jejune?

newsagents in my town sells poppers, i used to sniff them as a kid...Blush I genuinely have never heard of cottaging before.

TotemPole · 01/04/2012 22:08

I tried poppers years ago, so vague memory. Aren't they just like an industrial strength hit of sniffing marker pens?

WorraLiberty · 01/04/2012 22:12

Actually OP, you don't know what sort of relationship they have.

She may be bi-sexual herself and quite open minded...and be totally cool with him and what he's into.

ComposHat · 01/04/2012 22:15

Jejune - innocent and unworldly.But I thought cottaging had entered the popular vocabulary.

Poppers also have the side effect of loosening your sphincter muscle. Which is pretty handy if you're off cottaging.

I am beginning to feel like a seedy corrupter of innocent minds.

Original poster
Baronetta · 01/04/2012 22:21

Think I'm going to leave it - as someone pointed out above, how long would I need to keep doing it? Every time he got a new partner?

I humbly accept the sage advice of MN!

OP posts:
lovebunny · 01/04/2012 22:23

tell her. she might not believe you but at least you'll have tried to do your best for her and her children.

ShellyBoobs · 01/04/2012 22:25

...but i'd be concerned for the children as you are...

Why concerned for the children?

I mean, it all sounds rather grim and unpalatable but it hardly makes the guy a child molester!

KateSpade · 01/04/2012 22:27

Pretty handy if your off cottaging

I know its not a funny thread, but the way you said that then made me laugh so much.

& yeah a poppers hit lasts about a minuite, if your lucky then you get a huge headache. I used to be a drug-lover back in the day but poppers were the thing i'd get away with taking to school... very ashamed.

I think Baronetta, your in a tricky situation with the kids involved, but as worra said, she might be fine with it, or even like it. Id try my very best to move on, and not shed a single more thought about him.

Quodlibet · 01/04/2012 22:28

Do you have children with your ex, or any other reason to want to keep an at least functional relationship with him?

If this is of no consequence, personally I'd tell her. I'd not be particularly concerned about seeming 'the bitter ex', but I would want to give another woman a heads-up on someone who clearly has no respect for women (seeing as he'll buy them) including his partner (seeing as he'll deceive her and expose her to stds). I would want someone to (gently) tell me if my partner had a history like your ex's, because he won't volunteer it.

invicta · 01/04/2012 22:28

I wouldn't say anything. He has moved on, and his life is no longer any of you business. The only time I would say anything was if she asks why you split up.

WorraLiberty · 01/04/2012 22:28

I don't get the connection to the children either?

I assume he won't be taking them with him if he fancies a spot of How's your Father in the park?

DioneTheDiabolist · 01/04/2012 22:29

When I was younger I was quite promiscuous. I cheated on my partners. I changed.

If his sexuality involved children I would have no hesitation in passing on the information in order to protect any child in contact with him.

OP what do you wish to achieve from telling your Ex's current partner what went on during your time with him?

AwkwardMary · 01/04/2012 22:35

If she were me I would want to know....your ex could have std's of the variety which make living with him a hazard.

AwkwardMary · 01/04/2012 22:36

Worra I would have thought the cottagng puts him at risk of HIV doesn't it? And living with people who are HIV positive has risks. Minor ones yes...but there are still certain things which need to be watched.

Original poster
Baronetta · 01/04/2012 22:37

Oh he's never been connected sexually with children (or animals) pretty much everything else though!

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 01/04/2012 22:42

would you have wanted an ex of his to tell you?

i am sure you would have ignored her at first but when the little things did not add up it might have been the information that made everything clear

i would tell her, she needs to protect herself ( you may look like a bitter ex but does that really matter, it will all unfold sooner or later) if she knows well then good luck to them

WorraLiberty · 01/04/2012 22:45

Worra I would have thought the cottagng puts him at risk of HIV doesn't it?And living with people who are HIV positive has risks. Minor ones yes...but there are still certain things which need to be watched

Lots of things put people at risk of HIV, Hepatitis and other nasty things...especially if they don't use a condom (and we don't know that he doesn't)

I still don't see what the kids have to do with this.