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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my ex-husbands new partner that he uses prostitutes and gay 'cottaging' sites?

146 replies

Baronetta · 01/04/2012 21:01

Those were the reasons why I divorced him. He's moving in with a woman with four young children.

Should I say something? I don't really know her very well.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 02/04/2012 00:08

Perhaps the OP should have just branded him, if the jury had of been made up of MN posters, it sounds as though she would have walked free.

The OP wants to bitch about her ex to his new partner and wants permission to do so, so the choice is hers, as it is anyone's.

TotemPole · 02/04/2012 00:27

His new girlfriend could get them both tested before they have unprotected sex. That won't mean anything if he has unprotected sex with strangers from then on. He could be being really careful. Who knows.

I'd rather let her know of potential ongoing risks and take the fall out from that rather than find out that she'd unknowingly put herself at risk.

EyeOfNewtToeOfFrog · 02/04/2012 00:31

Why on earth has no-one suggested the OP tell the new partner ANYNOMOUSLY?? Confused A nicely worded, constructive note 'from a friend' might allow the new woman an insight.

And even if the new woman thinks it's likely to come from the OP she won't have any proof - so it doesn't much matter.

I always think women should have a certain degree of solidarity with each other -not men.

GothAnneGeddes · 02/04/2012 00:32

He indulges in potentially highly risky sexual behaviour. I'd tell her, because if it were me, I'd want to know.

iscream · 02/04/2012 06:43

I'd want to know if I were her.

maddening · 02/04/2012 06:57

op - did you contract any sti's from x? If not then could that give a clue to whether he practises safe sex - extreme or otherwise?

sunshineandbooks · 02/04/2012 07:18

The only parts of this man's behaviour I have a problem with is the use of prostitutes and the deception. His sexuality is neither here nor there and has no direct relationship to the new partner's children other than in how it affects their mother.

However, any man who uses prostitutes is dodgy in my book and sex in a public convenience is illegal. And he lies. Hardly the best catch and certainly not someone who can be relied on not to take a gamble with his new partner's health and wellbeing if it comes into conflict with his own selfish desires.

If he's a closest homosexual so what? Homosexuals are no different from heterosexuals and they don't get a 'get out of jail free' card when it comes to shitty behaviour. Plenty of people have come out of the closet without deceiving their partners and using prostitutes. Likewise his promiscuity. Plenty of people can have sex numerous times a day with numerous people without lying to anyone about it. This is about his moral character, not his sexuality.

OP I'm sorry you find yourself in such a difficult predicament. There isn't a right or wrong answer as there are equal pros and cons to saying something and saying nothing. It may help her to know and although she probably wouldn't believe you it would be stored away and may be useful in the future. However, you do not owe her anything since it is his behaviour that is the problem here. Likewise, if it does all go wrong how long are you going to set yourself up as his moral guardian going around and saving all his future partners? You can't. Whatever decision you make, as long as you're happy with it, it will be the right one. I hope you manage to put it all behind you. Smile

Flightty · 02/04/2012 07:25

He might have told her already. It's difficult, I can understand your wish to protect others from him. But I'm not sure you actually can, iyswim?

The first thing DP did when we got together was tell me just about everything bad he had ever done. So you never know.

I hope you are doing Ok.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 08:28

I was thinking about an anonymous letter as well. He might suspect it was the op but she can just deny deny deny.

Oh and get a friend to write it so its not it your handwriting. And perhaps include am explanation (print out off the internet about the dangers?) as to what cottaging is as she may not know.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 08:33

Worra. I doubt he took part in cottaging because he was unhappy in his relationship with op! I doubt very much he's suddenly going to stop because he's in a new relationship. Its gay sex with strangers, i hardly see how that is connected to his current relationship with a woman.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 08:34

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PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 08:42

I am amazed by those saying that the op is a Bitch for wanting to tell the new girlfriend or that she is just jealous or trying to ruin his relationship.

To those people. Would you REALLY not want to know? Would you REALLY want to build a future with someone who does that? Of course you would be unaware, (and yes it is extremely unlikely she knows) you'd find out a few years down the line. You'd be fine about that would you? Even if he no longer does it would you want to know that your apparently heterosexual partner took part in risky gay sex on a regular basis.

Personally id rather know before i had invested years of my life, before children came along, before i contracted a horrible disease.

ComposHat · 02/04/2012 09:11

poopoo

We don't know that the op's former partner is still cottaging or paid sex.

If the op had concrete proof that he was still engaging in these practices then maybe there is a case for telling the new partner. However there isn't any evidence at all for this and it WILL look like the bitter ex trying to throw a spanner in the works.

I wonder how others would feel if their exes started writing anonymous letters to their new partners, sharing past details of their sex life?

WorraLiberty · 02/04/2012 09:23

The OP hasn't even said he had gay sex with strangers....she said he visited websites

Massive difference there and some huge assumptions being made.

solidgoldbrass · 02/04/2012 09:41

Yes, it is just coming across as bitterness and spite. It's no longer the OP's problem or any of her business, and no one will thank her for sticking her beak in and appointing herself the Monogamy Police.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 09:56

Yes i am sure the op is really bitter and jealous that she's no longer with random bum sex guy! What a loss!

ComposHat · 02/04/2012 10:19

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shagmundfreud · 02/04/2012 10:26

Poppers loosen your sphincter muscle?

I think there are many mumsnetters who will benefit from knowing this. Especially me

AnyFucker · 02/04/2012 10:35

yuk

PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 11:02

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PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 11:08

And so you honestly think he visits cottaging sites but doesn't take part in it?

[remembering back to every thread where a woman has found out her husband is visiting dating sites but isn't sure he is actually being unfaithful . . . What follows is 2086 messages from people saying "oh so sorry, he's obviously meeting up otherwise he wouldn't be on those sites."]

Apparently this doesn't apply to those who look at gay sites! Hmm

WorraLiberty · 02/04/2012 11:08

I've also taken part in such extreme activity as visiting websites

I followed an MN link to dogging site once....

Seriously, the OP hasn't said he engaged in any activity other than visiting prostitutes when they were married...hence the reason for divorce.

There is no evidence he still visits them, no evidence he had unprotected sex with them and quite frankly (as has been said) it's down to this woman to sort her own contraception/sexual health out.

Though as they're at the stage of moving in together, I'd say that horse has already bolted.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/04/2012 11:10

Other then visiting prostitutes . . . Oh well that's alright then!

Not sure if you actually thought that was going to win the argument!

ComposHat · 02/04/2012 11:17

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MrsArchieTheInventor · 02/04/2012 11:18

In reply to the OP - I'm making assumptions here so please forgive me if I've gotten completely the wrong end of the stick but...

...in your shoes, with your (possible and understandable) anger and resentment at being betrayed in this way, yes I probably would want his new partner and every new partner after that to know what he's done and the reasons I divorced him.

However, in the cold light of day and with the benefit of distance from the actual situation, I would just let them get on with it. The only concern you have is for your children. Being gay or bisexual doesn't make you a risk to children and it's not really for you to tell this woman what your ex husband did or didn't do. Besides which, you have to consider that she probably wouldn't believe you anyway.