to wonder why you'd have a child and then leave it for 5 days a week

[incredulousonlooker]

and I don't mean leave it in a nursery while you're at work type thing.
I mean actually LEAVE it on a Sunday night and come back on Friday.

She's only 4 months old ffs. It seems very wrong to me.

So partner has to give up his job and hope that there is another one for him in a Garrison town?

Any childcare that has to be available for a 24 hour care period is bound to be expensive.

She owns a house? What, outright, no mortgage? Surely the rent would have to cover that.

Yet Again it's not about quarters not being good enough. Single accn is cheaper. Saving money for childs future maybe.

You sound jealous OP.

Ah, the good old "you're just jealous" chestnut.

NOYB

Graham - so if you had a sister, and it looked to all intents and purposes like she was taking the piss out of YOUR parents - you'd do naff all about it?? Me, I'd be 'having a word' at the very least.

LteEve - yes, I meant every word of my selfish cow paragraph. Was just making a point in general that selfish cows are selfish cows - same as eggs is eggs Doesn't matter who pays their pension/salary or whatever else.

Nigel & Lesley - spot on.

If the OP is related closely to the subject of the AIBU, and it has been established that AIBU is in fact the best place to vent and look for opinions, then I once again say YANBU

Living with grandparents in the week and parents at the weekend will be what she is used to. She is being cared for by a family. She won't be taken away from her grandparents as they will always be her grandparents. She isn't going to a foster home.

This seems reasonable to me and I have known much worse situations where the outcomes have been extremely good. I know devoted parents and children who saw/see very little of one another. Just because this arrangement is unusual doesn't mean it is going to damage the child.

I just had to Google that, DinahMoHum.
Nigel, "None of you on this thread going on about how it's fine only seem to be seeing things from the parents perspective. Not the grandparents' perspective and certainly not the baby's. Do you think the GPs had a say or just got dumped with the scenario with no option but to go along with it ?"

That's all far too, "Wont anybody think of the chiiiiiildrennnnn" for me. Sorry, but, um, well, it is. And I don't think that the GP's had "no option" but to go along with it. There's nothing in the OP's words to convince me otherwise and I don't happen to subscribe to the idea that fully grown men and women are generally likely to be forced, bullied or coerced into such a serious commitment.

LteEve - I don't think its actually in Tidworth tbh (but I've only visted a few times) it seems to be down the road from where she works but is defo still an army place. (Has houses that look like pebbles been stuck on - sort of an estate type of thing with a park and a shop and a big car park type area for massive trucks!)

All this the child will not know who its parents are, does this count for dads who only have weekend access some only a day. It may not be the norm for most but it will be this families norm. Hopefully ths attention the baby gets at the weekend will be so special and surely GP are a better solution with a baby than a nursery as the child ages the child care may evolve.

I clearly spend too much time on the feminism board as I am horrified at the way this woman is being attacked on here. There's the odd suggestion that the DH is a twat (possibly) but overall the assumptions are that it is the mother's responsibility to sort out childcare, to be with the child etc and that if the dh is a twat, she should simply compensate for him.

Most of you who think OP is NBU clearly think the mother is a bad mother for having/wanting to go to work as she does and not have to deal with the logistics of a small child.

I'm actually feeling pretty angry about this. I almost never see DS in the evenings and he doesn't get his meals, or bedtime stories, or evening cuddles from me. DH is there. But if those of you on this thread who say the OP INBU are honest, you think it's the woman who has to do this and that it's her responsibility. Because otherwise there'd be a lot more questions being asked ab9ut the man. Lots of questions have been asked about why this woman is away and what she does. Almost no one has asked why the DH doesn't step up and certainly, while OP has lots of ideas on how the mother could make it work, she has absolutely no suggestions for how the father could/should step up.

I haven't seen any post from the OP saying that the GPs feel pressured or unhappy with the situation. Maybe they are loving it. My own mother was desperate to look after my DD, and she was 73 when DD was born.

Plus this is a 4 mth old baby we are talking about. I find it highly unlikely a 4 month old is thinking 'mummy and daddy don't want me' the very idea is ridiculous! Also nowhere does the OP say that this is a permanent arrangement. Like I said earlier, the mothers posting may only be 2 yrs if she is an officer, so at most this arrangement could go on until the child is 2, then the mother could be posted. At 2 the child will be more aware, yes, but not now it won't. People are acting like this is for life!

In fact, here's another thought, maybe the mother is working off her notice...so she could be a civilian in 7 months time. She has to give the Forces this time.

sadly it is the things that happen in very early childhood, the stuff you don't remember that has the deepest effect.

I think the OP should butt out; and as for the about MQs; I've been in some Officers ones I would refuse to live in, let alone other ranks. As explained by LtEve, MrsSnaplegs and myself, it is not always possible to get an MQ, and the money isn't always there for SSFA either, except if one is abroad.

Women are supposed to be able to bang their own drum. There would be loads of support if this mum wanted to go off and climb Everest or sail around the world whilst her child was young. Why shouldn't she progress in a career? There was a Mum on here who went off to the Falklands for a long while whilst her dd was very young. If we want equality and parity with men, then this is what it takes.

I have consistently said that i think the father should be looking after the baby with or without childcare, GP or mothers help if he struggles. Lots of people work and still look after their baby when not at work - no reason father couldn't do the same.

I'm very confused as to how you could possibly think this is your business. YABVU.

YANBU to think that but depends on situation (I haven't read entire thread). I don't feel it should always be a mother looking after a child (as a poster above said). DP does alot of childcare and has always been an equal parent. Many Dads are excellent SAHP. Obviously depends on the situation. If it is grandparental care for example then everybody may be happy? I don't know. I do feel sad that they may be missing out (from experience of being f/t WOHM with DD1 and being a SAHM with my younger 4) but everyone is different and it is their choice to make..

((bangs head on wall)) featherbag - why not? No one knows who she is talking about!! Surely that is the whole point of AIBU? She is being judgey about soemthing that irks her enough to post about it. That is all.

scaryteacher - I can't see that th OP has butt in to start with. She is making a point. On a forum. Designed for exactly this purpose.

No one is 'attacking' anyone as the subject is not here.

The OP said 'it seems wrong to me' and we are discussing her opinions versus our own opinions.

If you prefer MKL the OP is BU, and should wind her neck in. If the child is cared for, which it is by the GPs, and isn't the OPs child, which it doesn't appear to be, then it is none of her business.

People in HM Forces leave their children all the time to work. My dh did. For 4 years we weekended, and sometimes not even that if things got busy during Kosovo. During that time, as I was working too, I left my ds with my ils for 3 weeks at a time, over 180 miles away from me. He coped and doesn't feel any less bonded with either of us.

Haven't read the entire thread but it's not unreasonable that the mother works away at all, it's unreasonable that the father can't be arsed looking after his own child. Probably way behind the curve hear but have no idea why your ire is being directed at the mother

What makes me sad reading the thread is the mother getting so much grief yet so little for the father. If he can't be bothered as the OP says then he is the 'villain'. How do we know the GP didn't suggest the set up.

Mum's can't win can they. Nobody bats an eyelid if a Dad works away. On the other hand I was called irresponsible for not going for a job which would mean I would have to go away all week and spend so long travelling I would see dd for 4hrs a week.

My biggest gripe about what the parents are doing is the cheapskate nature of using the grandparents for the full week.

If the parents hired an au pair for four days a week (living at parental home) one day (NB just day) with grandparents and then two days with parents, the child would have a MUCH better chance at healthy relationships long term

but that would cut into disposable income of the parents .....

Hecubas - which fuckwit told you you were irresponsible for not taking that job??

As for the OP, is it really that different to the WOHPs that dress the baby, drop it off at the CM's/nursery/grandparents at 7.30, pick the baby up at 6.30, take it home and put it to bed? They probably get 20mins/half an hour after work together... the difference really isn't that significant.

In fact, it can probably be argued that it's better - it can sleep until it's ready to wake up, not be rushed around out of the house in all weather and have dinner/bath/bed when the baby is ready, not when it fits in with being picked up.

It is with its grandparents - it's not in a work house.

Really - this is just the old WOHP v SAHP arguement dressed in different clothes.

Whether the GP's are happy with the arrangement or not is their business, they are adults. No one held a gun to their heads I'm sure.

It was a poster on here.

I agree about 'mums can't win', whatever you do there's always someone ready to criticise and judge.

Sometimes I think you just have to develop a bit of a thick skin, and the confidence to make the decisions that you believe are right for you and your family. And not worry too much about what interfering relatives, judgey 'friends' and random people on the internet think!

It's a shame it has to be that way. Especially as fathers don't seem to get half as much scrutiny and criticism - if a man works long hours/away from home, he's a good husband and father providing for his family; if he's a SAHD or works family-friendly hours and does a lot of childcare, he's practically a saint!

Yep, and the other point of AIBU is that we get to say whether or not we think the OP is BU - I have done this, and said why. Don't understand why you feel the need to hurt yourself on that wall because I expressed my opinion KeithLemon!

YABU.

I'm an Army wife and I can honeztly say that Forces life, especially as a single parent is bloody difficult. Childcare is not always available and is certainly not available live-in for a fortnight while the parent goes on exercise! Quarters are a mixed bag and, depending on the location, may not be available. Sometimes the best solution may be something akin to the situation in the OP - stability of care provided by someone other than the mother in order for her to work.

The real question is why the father isn't involved - but that is entirely dependent on his relationship with the mother.

Family life in the Forces is one of compromise - we choose for me to stay in our own home, close to my family. This provides stability for our children. My husband comes and goes as allowed by his postings. He's due home this weekend for the first time since in four months. Would the OP be as judgemental of my huband as she is of this other serving mother?