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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why you'd have a child and then leave it for 5 days a week

236 replies

incredulousonlooker · 28/03/2012 12:29

and I don't mean leave it in a nursery while you're at work type thing.
I mean actually LEAVE it on a Sunday night and come back on Friday.

She's only 4 months old ffs. It seems very wrong to me.

OP posts:
thekidsrule · 28/03/2012 13:50

bloomin hell mine moan if i go out for a couple of hrs (age 13 ) to make me feel guilty

i am a slave to them

on a serious note i feel for the grandparents at the moment,theyve had their kids regardless of age should be their time,im not talking looking after grankids for a few hrs a week this is fulltime parenting no easy job and im sure has financial implications for them

scuzy · 28/03/2012 13:51

christ almight we dont even know the relationship between the OP and this woman. she could be assuming all sorts from afar or from her kitchen window!!

this woman could have had no choice but to go back to this job or be unemployed after her baby was born and perhaps have it in motion she can soon return locally and work.

MagsAloof · 28/03/2012 13:51

I prioritise my children, which is why I bust a gut to run my own business and show them that NO, actually, you don't have to give up on your own dreams and ambitions just because you have children or are a woman.

My DD is in full-time nursery 8am-6pm. My mum has my DS after school. I often work weekends, evenings etc. I travel for my work.

I couldn't care less if some randomers think I am a 'bad mother', but I do take issue with the lazy generalisations that are always spouted on threads like this.

aliceinboots · 28/03/2012 13:51

She's even got a job which allows her to accomodate her child in the week so why isn't she doing it? Why would she want to spend that much time away from her child?

wannaBe · 28/03/2012 13:51

I think the problem with this "well if it works for them," argument is that on the whole, when people talk of "them," they are talking about the parents. Rarely is the child considered in all this. Rarely do people seem to think how being pushed from pillar to post affects a child growing up.

And yes, if your job is such that you have 0 time to actually bring up a child then don't have one. or change your job.

Francagoestohollywood · 28/03/2012 13:52

Perhaps mum copes bloody well, but has a job to go back to, because people, in general need to work to live.
Perhaps mother went back to a job she already had. Perhaps mother is planning to look for another job which will enable her to come home every night to be with her baby.
It's not like there are so many jobs on offer at the moment.

sunshineandbooks · 28/03/2012 13:52

Why have a baby if you're going to put your job first and give it to the GPs/nursery/nanny/CM?

Why have baby if you're going to SAH and be a poor, downtrodden role model?

Why have a baby if you're too old to be fit and able during its teens?

Why have a baby if you're too young to have the necessary maturity?

Why have a baby if you can't be bothered to be physically perfect for the whole of your life because you own it to your child?

Why have a baby if you can't afford it?

Note how very few of these apply to fathers. Mothers get it wrong whatever choice they make, so they may as well make the choice they want to make and say a big fat fuck you to the rest of society.

lesley33 · 28/03/2012 13:53

I don't think it is the case that the mum should be looking after the child. But I do think a parent should be looking after the child at least in the evening. Basically this baby is seeing its parents 2 days a week and thats it.

aliceinboots · 28/03/2012 13:54

Perhaps you're also showing your kids that it's alright to be selfish.
I assume your kids are young Mags. It sounds like you hardly see them.
Maybe that's what suits YOU.

Original poster
incredulousonlooker · 28/03/2012 13:55

Of course I could mind my own business but what an inane thing to say...if you did that you wouldn't even be on this thread wondering what I'm being unreasonable about!

I think the GPs would like a break and as there is no fixed end date it's just ongoing then I don't suppose they can see one coming soon. The baby WAS planned.

I apologise for the drip feed by the way, I was concerned about giving too much personal info away.

OP posts:
Francagoestohollywood · 28/03/2012 13:55

Since when going to work has become selfish? I despair, really.

sunnyday25 · 28/03/2012 13:55

Haziedoll - I would never judge anyone from using a nursery full-time. I judged this colleague because the baby was very young.

Actually the grandparents offerred to have their grandchild on a part-time basis too. The mother said "I dont want my child granny-reared". Whatever that means.

She also wouldnt use a nanny because she didnt like the idea of her child getting close to another person.

Hulababy · 28/03/2012 13:55

There is a HUGE difference between being a WOHM and being a primarily absent mum (or dad).

The parents in the OP are not just WAH parents, They are simply not there at all 5 out of 7 days every week.

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 28/03/2012 13:56

a mothers place is in the wrong

my dh only sees the kids at weekends - how does he get judged compared to the mum in the op?

Should add, when we decided to have kids he had no intention of changing his hours

GrahamTribe · 28/03/2012 13:56

I'd be interested to hear from some forces people exactly what it would be like to be on your own with a baby in their cheap accomodation. It doesn't sound heap of fun to me.

lesley33 · 28/03/2012 13:57

Franca - But this isn't about going to work. It is about a very young baby only seeing its parents 2 days in a whole week. Very few parents where both work only see their kids 2 days a week. Totally different ball game imo.

aliceinboots · 28/03/2012 13:57

It's not selfish to work. It is selfish to put work and expect other people to raise your kids.

Hulababy · 28/03/2012 13:58

Franca - going back to work is not selfish.

However, I think most people would think an arrangement where your child lives with someone else 5 days a week from being a tiny baby and only sees her parents twice a week is not an ideal one.

callmemrs · 28/03/2012 13:58

Bog off op and get a life

scaryteacher · 28/03/2012 13:59

'Mother is forces. She is entitled to cheap quarter and childcare but chooses not to' She is not entitled to a cheap MQ if she is married unaccompanied; she would have to live in the mess, and there is no place in the mess for a child. There may also be a shortage of MQs where she is based, and those that are available are cheap for a reason in many cases, as they are appalling. Cheapness also depends on rate/rank and the type/class of MQ.

Cheap childcare? Where? My dh has been in the Forces for over 30 years, and we've never had access to cheap childcare - we've always paid for it and it hasn't been provided by HM Forces.

If the Mum has a career and is making a go of it and is not on any of the many redundancy lists currently flying about the MoD, then good for her. There aren't that many other jobs out there at the moment, and the Mum is contributing to a pension and making sure she can support her dd. What you are forgetting is that the Mum is paid 24/7, so you always have to have childcare in place as you can potentially be called 24/7 at very short notice and have to be there.

wannaBe · 28/03/2012 14:01

but we're not talking about someone going to work to bring up their child, are we? We're not talking about someone who puts their child into nursery all day and then brings them home at night. We're talking about someone whose parents are bringing up her child while one parent is away and the other is... well just either not capable or bothered. And yes, it is the grandparents bringing up th child IMO when they have it for five days and nights a week and the parents only have it for 48 hours.

GrahamTribe · 28/03/2012 14:02

Thank you Scaryteacher. It's as I expected then. OP, YAevenmoreU.

Francagoestohollywood · 28/03/2012 14:02

I don't agree, sorry. This person has a particular job, so for her going back to work means she has to be away.
The father doesn't have a job that takes him away from work and is not prepared to look after his own child is an arse, I've already said it.

scaryteacher · 28/03/2012 14:02

'She's even got a job which allows her to accomodate her child in the week so why isn't she doing it' No she hasn't. See above. There are all sorts of reasons why she may not have an MQ.

I note that the OP hasn't commented on which service the Mum is in. Hard to take a child to sea (and it is not allowed), or to Afghanistan, if she is about to be deployed.

lesley33 · 28/03/2012 14:03

And frankly no, I wouldn't have a baby if this was going to be the situation it was brought up in.