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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why you'd have a child and then leave it for 5 days a week

236 replies

incredulousonlooker · 28/03/2012 12:29

and I don't mean leave it in a nursery while you're at work type thing.
I mean actually LEAVE it on a Sunday night and come back on Friday.

She's only 4 months old ffs. It seems very wrong to me.

OP posts:
knowitallstrikesagain · 28/03/2012 12:42

X post.

So the mother is working to support her family, the father is the waste of space and yet it is the mother you choose to criticise?

Nice.

Astr0naut · 28/03/2012 12:42

Until Ds starts going to bed and fucking staying there again, I'd leave him 5 nights a week.

undertheboredwalk · 28/03/2012 12:43

Wouldn't judge the parent leaving at all, assuming they are leaving to work? Needs must and some people have no choice. I would hugely judge the fact that the other parent wasn't able to look after the child though, if as you say it's a case of not wanting to/being arsed.

AKMD · 28/03/2012 12:43

Sorry but your OP doesn't give enough information to say anything other than, "eh"?

The story so far:

  • A four month old baby has two parents living together. The mother works away from a Sunday to Friday every week. The father does not want to care for the baby while the mother is away so the baby goes to stay with her maternal grandparents every week, Sunday-Friday. This is a permanent arrangement that will carry on for the foreseeable future.

Yes? At face value, YANBU, what a horrible arrangement.

ObiWan · 28/03/2012 12:44

I would imagine that the parents are doing what works best for their family.

People have children for all sorts of reasons, then have to find a way to cope day to day. It doesn't always conform to other peoples idea of 'ideal'.

If the alternative is the mother giving up her job, or the child being given up for adoption, I would say that leaving the baby with loving grandparents seems a better option. At this age the baby won't know any better, and perhaps by doing this, the parents will be setting up a future in which they can spend more time together.

Or perhaps the baby was unplanned, and the grandparents would rather raise the child, than see it given up. Who knows.

You sound terribly smug by the way.

samandi · 28/03/2012 12:44

How could the child be looked after by the mother if she is working? Presumably she sees grandparents as a better option than childminders, and if they don't mind, who should? It sounds as though she is basically a single parent so the father is fairly irrelevant.

Original poster
incredulousonlooker · 28/03/2012 12:44

I don't mind getting shot down, it's the nature of the beast!
Those who say they are leaving child for 1 week here and there that is an entirely different thing and of course not unreasonable.

This child is with GPs all week then mummy comes home and takes her to different house for 2 days before dumping her again.

OP posts:
tanfastic · 28/03/2012 12:45

How can the mother work away and look after child at the same time? Surely that's not possible. Hmm

Original poster
incredulousonlooker · 28/03/2012 12:45

AKMD yes that is exactly the arrangement.
With the addition that the mother COULD have the child with her and chooses not to.

OP posts:
MagsAloof · 28/03/2012 12:46

I have a friend who is a hedge fund manager and leaves her baby with a nanny overnight 3-4 nights a week on a regular basis, and has done since the baby was around 3 mths old.

Why judge? it works for her, the baby seems like a lovely, chirpy little thing (no 18 mths old) and is strongly bonded to her mum.

Keep your nose out.

Original poster
incredulousonlooker · 28/03/2012 12:47

knowitall I don't recall criticising the mother only

the father also works

OP posts:
AKMD · 28/03/2012 12:47

Why would the mother be able to take her DD to work with her?

RosieBooBoo · 28/03/2012 12:48

This child is with GPs all week then mummy comes home and takes her to different house for 2 days before dumping her again.

You sound so judgey and not very nice, why aren't you judging the cant be arsed dad instead of the working mum?

ebbandflow · 28/03/2012 12:49

Being with grandparents is better than putting the child up for adoption.

exexpat · 28/03/2012 12:49

What do you mean by "the mother COULD have the child with her and chooses not to"? She's away working, isn't she?

I can't think of many jobs where you could have a child with you all the time, unless perhaps she is a weekly live-in nanny? But even then I guess caring for your own child as well as your employer's children could be tough.

In any case, I think this is basically none of your business - people make the arrangements that work for them, and if the child is being cared for by loving family members, even if not by its own parents, then it doesn't sound so dreadful.

But I am guessing that this is someone in your own family, which is why you feel the right to be so judgy about it?

knowitallstrikesagain · 28/03/2012 12:50

incredulousonlooker Wed 28-Mar-12 12:44:53
mummy comes home and takes her to different house for 2 days before dumping her again

Yep, definately criticising the mother.

The mother is the one who physically leaves, you specifically said that the issue was that mum goes away for the week.

Again, should nobody in the forces have children?

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 28/03/2012 12:50

Ok it does sound like a pretty horrid arrangement but I bet this child is very lovingly cared for by the grandparents.

Why are you not more annoyed at the useless father?

TroublesomeEx · 28/03/2012 12:51

Frankly, I don't care.

Greythorne · 28/03/2012 12:52

Oresumably, the OP is saying that the mother could take the child wherever it is she goes, lesve her during the day with a nanny / CM and still see the baby in the mornings and evenings.

Yet she dumps her with the GPs for her own convenience.
and the father is just not even involved.

Op: YANBU

lou2321 · 28/03/2012 12:53

I'm guessing most people in the forces have a partner at home with the DCs, well thats how it works with the forces families I know. Of course there must be people out there who are both away but doesn't mean we have to agree with them deciding to have children knowing both parents will be working away. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

scuzy · 28/03/2012 12:54

OP what are your circumstances around your family routine so we can judge you?

it doesnt sound ideal and am sure it was a very hard decision to make on this poor mother. do you think she WANTS to be away from her baby? she is working to support her family and please god is working on it to be closer to home before the little one starts to realise her mammy is missing alot. would you rather she quit her job and rely on state help? am sure you would have something to say about that as well

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 28/03/2012 12:55

So the Mum works away and the Dad has a full time job? Child care would either require a nanny or full time nursery? Either way the child wouldn't see the parents much during the week.

I think the set up actually sounds good. The grandparents look after the child in their own home and she sleeps there. It is probably better than dad picking up at 6 to take home and then going through the morning routine.

She probably has two stress free parents at the weekend.

Regarding going back to work at 4 months - that's impossible to judge.

A lot of women from Eastern Europe/Asia come over here to find work as cleaner/nanny etc leaving their kids behind with grandparents or siblings. One lady I know can only afford to go home once every three years. How would you judge her?

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 28/03/2012 12:56

Why is it any of your business unless you are one of the parents - which I suspect from the language you use about the parents you are not

YABU or as my 14 y/o would say "epic fail"

Ephiny · 28/03/2012 12:56

If I was going to judge anyone here, it would be the father who 'can't be trusted' to look after his own child!

It's not uncommon for one parent to work away from home during the week - maybe not an ideal situation, and not one I'd choose, but it's just the way things are sometimes. As long as the child is being well-cared for it's not really anyone else's business.

Why do you keep referring to the little girl as 'it'? That doesn't sound very nice. Is this even a real situation?

thekidsrule · 28/03/2012 12:56

op i do agree to a degree

shame the partner is a useless twat

,if she was a single parent and had to work i would say fair enough (not ideal but sometimes need must)

but as there is a partner that dosent want to care for his own child and be a partnership then you have a point about dumping the child (more to do with the father not caring than the woman working away)