to wonder why you'd have a child and then leave it for 5 days a week

[incredulousonlooker]

and I don't mean leave it in a nursery while you're at work type thing.
I mean actually LEAVE it on a Sunday night and come back on Friday.

She's only 4 months old ffs. It seems very wrong to me.

YABU

Who says it is working? I expect the grandparents would like a bit of a break.

I'm quite happy on my high horse thanks. Just because you agree with your own opinion doesn't make it the right one

I just dont see why anyone would judge or, actually, ATTACK, as many of you are doing, a woman who is working away some of the time, but who's baby is well cared for in her absence and loved and cherished always?

Really depressing. No wonder so few women rise to the top!

do people seriously think this won't affect a child's relationship with her parents?

I know someone who did this. In fact worse still, her dh worked away (fair enough) but she came home every night and yet she used to drive her child 1.5 hours down the road every sunday and leave him with her parents while she went to work during the week, and came home, every night, to her house while her baby spent the week at his grandparents.

Three years on he is a very very confused child as to who are actually his parents and where he lives - he is now back at home full time with his parents but being passed from pillar to post every week/weekend while he was a baby has had an impact on him.

People are deluded if they think this kind of arrangement won't have a negative impact on a child. It is far far different having a live-in nanny/sending a child to nursery every day/even the child going to the grandparents during the day but still going home to their own house every night, as opposed to that child having two homes, two sets of parents (and as a baby a child is not able to distinguish between who is his primary carer esp if that carer is essentially not a primary carer due to her never being there).

So while everyone apparently should do "what is best for them" yanbu to judge them for it.

And just because the majority of you think its outrageous doesnt make you right, either. It was outrageous for women to vote not so long ago...

I would assume the baby was not planned. No idea if that is the case or not. But that would be my assumption.

Mags, did your mother hand you over to the grandparents to look after through the week too, aged 4 months?

YANBU

I dont care what excuses people seem to make for some working mothers such as no option because of money or afraid of redundancy, there are mothers out there who have children and dump them on someone else to care for because they dont want to!

I have worked with women like this. One colleague came back to work very soon after giving birth and put the baby in nursery from 8-6 every day because she said, "it's not me being stuck at home all day with a new born baby, I'd go mad". Fair enough but when the baby is so young, why not take the full maternity leave?

And before anyone says, she might need the money - no she didn't, she said she didnt have to work at all if she didnt want to!

MagsAloof - the baby is only 4 months old. No way of knowing if this is working out for them, they can't say.

I disagree with everyone who says grandparent care as a substitute for parenting by your parents is 'just as good'. It probably is when you are a baby and don't know any better, but when you grow up and realise your parents don't prioritise you or want to spend much time with you, and that nearly everyone elses parents do, it can make you very sad. The exception is for people so economically desperate they have no choice (e.g. living away as maids and sending money home). Even then, their absence cuts a knife through their families.

My husband was brought up by his granny, and I don't think he'll ever get over being rejected by his mother. It may be different if there's no mother or father around, but if there is, and they seem to prefer living their life away from you, you can't help but take it personally. Ideally, one parent out of the two needs to be around.

You could argue that it is even more dysfunctional and fucked up to have a father who works away or works long hours and a mother who doesnt work outside of the home at all. To grow up never seeing your mother do anything b...ut housework and childcare could be argued to be JUST as 'damaging'

Honestly, if it works for the people INVOLVED, get over it

We all make different choices.

No way of knowing its NOT working, either...

The world is full of grandparents who look after their grandchildren because the parents are working away.

I haven't bothered reading the whole thread, because to be honest, I've been on MN enough to know, already.

The father, who can't be arsed to look after his own child is an arse. Or maybe unreliable.

Sometimes people do need to work, you know, and often even without planning to rise to the top.

I'd be more than happy to help my daughter if she was in a similar situation. And with loving gps no, the baby won't "suffer" that much.

Hulababy, you just moved the goalposts. The comment by Greythorne which I argued against was "If the parentS are not there".

Perhaps the answer is to call for the mother to stop work altogether. After all, we all know that the armed forces is no place for a woman, especially not one who has a child to consider, don't we?

Couldnt agree more@Franca

It's AIBU! We are allowed to judge on here.
And yes - I would judge and wonder why they decided to have a baby if they were not able to care for the baby themselves. Well actually, as I said before - I would assume the baby wasn't planned and they'd not been able to sort out their work to put the baby first. And would hope that it would only be temporary for the baby's sake.

But no one is saying the only reasonable alternative is for a mother to SAHM full time.
People are questioning someone who spends NO TIME whatsoever Mon-Frid looking after her own very young child.

Prioritise the children? Sometimes you prioritise them by working your ass off to keep a roof on their head.

Also we don't know if this is going to be a permanent set up, maybe mother will find a different job soon.

Grahamtribe - I was using the OP's example, where neither parent is there for the child.

'Why did they even have kids....?'

Its like WOHM bingo, honestly

sounds blissful an very sensible.

what job does she do?

Perhaps she couldn't cope SunnyDay and it was preferable for her and the baby. I personally don't think that environment is ideal on a full time basis but I wouldn't judge someone for using a nursery full time because everyone's circumstances are different. Also I bet her dh's colleagues didn't raise an eyebrow at him working full time.

I have a friend who was basically brought up by her gran as her mother was never there for her and her dad worked long hours. She even now will say she felt and feels unloved by them. I think its different if financial necessity causes it, but you would explain that to your child and have contact with them when working away. Not just treating them as a lower priority than everything else in your life which is what happened to my friend.

Also the, whatever works for your family I think is just a variant on the netmums crap of happy mum =happy baby. Just because someone says a particular arrangement works for their family, doesn't actually mean they are right.

Yanbu at all