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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why you'd have a child and then leave it for 5 days a week

236 replies

incredulousonlooker · 28/03/2012 12:29

and I don't mean leave it in a nursery while you're at work type thing.
I mean actually LEAVE it on a Sunday night and come back on Friday.

She's only 4 months old ffs. It seems very wrong to me.

OP posts:
knowitallstrikesagain · 28/03/2012 12:58

There is a partner at home. Maybe mum has had this job since before child was born, maybe it is a transfer, maybe they thought dad would be there with the child in the evening. Maybe, if OP wants to be concerned with their lives, she should be concerned about why mum is still with dad if dad is less than useless, rather than being so down on the mother who works full time, looks after her own child at the weekend and makes sure she has childcare.

It suits the mum not to take DC with her? Maybe this is because of the cost of childcare, the distance travelling, the unsettling nature of being moved around so much?

Original poster
incredulousonlooker · 28/03/2012 12:58

Mother is forces. She is entitled to cheap quarter and childcare but chooses not to.

Yes father is useless, you're right I have in subsequent posts put too much emphasis on the mother being at fault. Possibly because she's the one physically doing the leaving. Possibly because he wasn't the one banging on and on about wanting a child.

Both parents are living the single life whilst elderly GPs are caring for child.

But yeah if it works for them I guess I am being smug and judgy.

OP posts:
Firawla · 28/03/2012 12:59

OP i think yanbu this sounds really bad. The mum would be best off looking for a different job if she really really can not take the child with her, or if she can take her then just take her! or relocate to live near the place of work? surely there must be some solutions to it, otherwise everyone would be in this situation. The dh should also get a job then she could cut back her hours??

scuzy · 28/03/2012 13:00

i thought she said the father worked so useless or not the child would be with GPs during day anyway.

what i want to know is what does the OP do with herself or is she a curtain twitcher on tax payers money!

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 28/03/2012 13:00

But if the father works full time out of the house maybe it is because he can't do his job if he is tired from night wakings etc, or he works long or unpredictable hours (obviously don't know from op)

makes sense for baby to stay with the grandparents in that situation

OhdearNigel · 28/03/2012 13:01

YANBU OP. It sounds like a horrible arrangement and unless it was an accident I can't begin to understand why you would willingly bring a child into the world when neither parent can actually look after it.

You can mither on about feminism all you like but small babies need their mothers. I feel very sorry for the poor little child that will grow up knowing that neither Mummy or Daddy wanted to look after her and I imagine that the parents are setting themselves up for a very unhappy relationship.

scuzy · 28/03/2012 13:02

ohdearNigel so what would you suggest she do? quit her job and be at home. ok so baby is being looked after my mother then. but how does she support herself and her child???

scuzy · 28/03/2012 13:03

and would you apply the same pity to single mothers who work?

OhdearNigel · 28/03/2012 13:04

I would suggest that she hadn't done it to start with. I don't have the time or the inclination to look after a dog - so I don't have one. That is nothing in comparison to bringing a child into the world that you have no intention of caring for.

GrahamTribe · 28/03/2012 13:04

Guess what? It's isn't your baby, it isn't your career, it isn't illegal and it isn't your life. So, YABU. Very unreasonable to make judgement upon another woman's attempts at having a family, a career and a life of her own too.

scuzy · 28/03/2012 13:05

perhaps she didnt plan for the child? do you think that is a possibility?

OhdearNigel · 28/03/2012 13:06

And yes, I would not support anyone knowingly bringing a child into the world knowing that they have no intention of being a parent to that child.

But it's not the same situation is it ? Essentially both parents have had this baby knowing full well that they do not intend to look after her.

thekidsrule · 28/03/2012 13:07

is it just me but alot of the times a thread is posted on AIBU theres always the stock answer of "mind your own buisness" or like

it drives me mad,surely there would be no debate if you think this, why post a reply as surely if you think this its "not your buisness" to reply

i know what i mean,lol,rant over

MardyArsedMidlander · 28/03/2012 13:07

Surely it's better for the child to have continual care within the family- which grandparents can provide? It seems that the mother's choice is to give up her job and subsist on benefits- which would obviously be EVIL- or to put the child in childcare five days a week while she is working.
And lucky lucky Daddy- gets to be crap and not bothered while married to an EVIL SPERM STEALER who WORKS. And she gets all the blame.

Treefutom · 28/03/2012 13:08

Polite request:

OP - would you mind putting the full story in the OP? It's just that I read the beginning of the thread and there was so little detail in the OP I couldn't give an opinion.

And now I've had to scroll back through three pages to try to piece together what the situation is.

And I've got as far as the mother being in the forces and given up.

You might get more responses if you set the whole thing out properly in the OP Thanks

OhdearNigel · 28/03/2012 13:08

scuzy - the OP said upthread that the mother was going on and on about having a baby so I think it's safe to say that she was planned.

shewhowines · 28/03/2012 13:08

My judgy pants are hoiked up too. YANBU.

It's all very well it being the best option for the family but it's not best for the child when there is a viable alternative where the child can be with her mother. It's not fair on the child. They are not putting her first.

It's very selfish to want a child for two days a week and plan a baby on that basis.

choceyes · 28/03/2012 13:10

I think YANBU OP, although the full circumstances are not clear. If the father works, then presumably the baby would need to be in full time nursery if the GPs aren't looking after him? Isn't this arrangement better than that? (nothing against nurseries, but for a 4 month old GPs are probably better carers in most cases I would have thought)
And in the evenings after work, maybe the father visits? Does is matter that the baby is sleeping at GPs rather than at home, as if he wakes up he is with his GPs who he sees more of than dad? Sounds like the baby is more bonded to his GPs than dad, so maybe the baby is quite happy really.

I woudln't be able to do it personally, not see my 4 month old for so long, on a regular basis, but without knowign the full circumstances it is difficult to judge.

knowitallstrikesagain · 28/03/2012 13:10

Essentially both parents have had this baby knowing full well that they do not intend to look after her.

They are not doing all the childcare themselves at this time.

If a woman is 35 and has to work away from home for the next 5 years, should she risk not having children at all in order to be with them from the start, or have a child, leave it with GP which is what loads of people do, and then enjoy the time with it when it is old enough to appreciate it?

OhdearNigel · 28/03/2012 13:11

it isn't illegal

Neither is smacking children but the majority of posters have very strident views on that topic

MardyArsedMidlander · 28/03/2012 13:12

Perhaps the mother doesn't want a child for two days a week- perhaps she'd love to be a full time mother with a supportive partner earning loads- and family/ friends not slagging her off.
And as for her 'going on and on about a baby'- what, did she rape her partner? Put a hole in the condom?
Because it seems like there are LOADS of men who get children for two days a week, and plan on that basis- but they are still getting away with it Angry

sherbetpips · 28/03/2012 13:13

my dad lived with his grandparents because his dad was in the army and his mum was running a hostel looking after other orphans and kids (rather than her own). He was happy enough but never had a decent relationship with his parents after that.
If dad is crap then what choice does she have.

Better than the rich parents who send kids off to boarding school so that mummy doesnt have her social life interupted by kids.

LimeLeafLizard · 28/03/2012 13:14

Both parents sound a bit irresponsible for not agreeing in advance how they were going to fit parenting into their lives.

GP sound very generous to have DGC so much.

You sound judgy. Would you like a Biscuit?

And agree with whoever said it makes reading the thread much easier if you can put the whole story in the OP rather than drip feed.

sunshineandbooks · 28/03/2012 13:14

Maybe the mother feels that spending five full days and nights with grandparents is more beneficial than spending 9 hours a day in professional childcare. The child is being cared for by two adults who love her dearly and accommodate all her needs. What's wrong with that?

Given the amount of children out there who don't have any parents or have parents who abuse them or neglect them, I can't see this is worth getting worked up about.

And yes, the father - who was 50% responsible for this child being born - is just as 'culpable' in this if not more so, as her job seems to require travelling while his doesn't. Surely if she feels her H cannot be trusted, she's being a good mother by ensuring her DD is being cared for by relatives who can provide the standard of care necessary.

Or she could give up her job, leave the H, sit on the dole and be disparaged for being a single mother on benefits. Hmm

shewhowines · 28/03/2012 13:16

Mardy - perhaps men do but there is normally one parent around the majority of the time