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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's wrong to become pregnant via a sperm bank...

127 replies

pinkpainter · 27/03/2012 10:39

Ok - this isn't a couple where the man isn't able to produce sperm, this is a single 30 something year old who has never had a boyfriend and thinks this could be a solution to her wanting a baby if she can't find a man.
Firstly - is it legal?
Secondly - she would have no support from a partner, I've tried to tell her how very very difficult and lonely it would be bringing up a baby on her own.
Thirdly - she has no savings or a career that would pay enough for childcare, so she would be relying either on her parents or on government handouts so she could bring up the baby.
Fourthly - I imagine all the emotional support and practical support would be from her mum, and I don't think it's fair to burden her like this at this time in her life.
Fifthly - I worry about what sort of people give their sperm to a sperm bank, would there be a medical history with the sperm?
And lastly - is it moral to bring a baby into the world like this?
But AIBU - does everyone have a right to children, whatever the circumstances?

OP posts:
BlackOutTheSun · 27/03/2012 10:41

yabu

Treblesallround · 27/03/2012 10:41

YABU, not because children are a right, but because it's none of your business.

Scholes34 · 27/03/2012 10:42

You need to listen to The Archers more.

perceptionreality · 27/03/2012 10:42

It's none of your business.

Some people never find the right man but they want a child. A person who grows old with no life partner and no children is destined for a very sad and lonely life indeed.

What makes you think you have the right to judge? YABU

MrsCarriePooter · 27/03/2012 10:42

How is any of that different from a woman who uses a one night stand - or a relationship where the man's made clear he doesn't want children (Liz Jones I'm talking to you) to get pregnant and do it on her own?

NurseJennyLee · 27/03/2012 10:43

Are you related to this person? With the greatest of respect, it's not really your business. Would you prefer she went and had a string of unprotected one night stands to achieve her goal?

dexter73 · 27/03/2012 10:43

Wow YABU and very judgemental!

minimisschief · 27/03/2012 10:43

mind your own business

firstly yes
secondly people manage
thirdly there is never a right time
fourthly everyones parents get the burden partners or not. it is a parents role.
fifthly yes there are medical histories
lastly like what?

yes everyone has the right to children

AFuckingKnackeredWoman · 27/03/2012 10:43
Hmm
HipHopOpotomus · 27/03/2012 10:43
Biscuit
oldraver · 27/03/2012 10:44

The only flaw I can see is her lack of savings, but that is because personally I think you should be able to support yourself and child as much as possible.

I had a child on my own and it certainly wasn't difficult or lonely

pohara · 27/03/2012 10:44

I don't know about everyone having a right to have children, it's more a case of going right ahead and doing what you like and it isn't much anyone else's business.

A single 30-something has about as much idea of the impending task of parenthood as a double 30-something, i.e. not a lot, and yes, I think if she really wants a baby and she can manage to organise it, that is solely her business and it matters not a jot what you or I think.

If she has her mum then that may prove a lot more useful than many of the fathers out and about today.

I have a friend who did this but used a one-night stand rather than a sperm bank. The baby almost died at birth and has huge health issues. The mother is high-flying career woman and her mother takes care of the child much of the time.

Again, whatever you or I think of it, it's their lives and they have worked it out.

Limelight · 27/03/2012 10:45

Really?

YABU. But then I think you probably know that.

LucyManga · 27/03/2012 10:46

YABU.

Get your judgy pants off and butt out of her business.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 27/03/2012 10:47

YABU. Would you rather she do a Liz Jones?

BlueFergie · 27/03/2012 10:47

YABU. Mind your own business.
WTF would it be illegal for a woman to use a sperm bank?

2shoes · 27/03/2012 10:47

YABU
wow hope she doesn't think your her friend

FreckledLeopard · 27/03/2012 10:48

YABU. I raised DD alone (she's now 11) since her biological father decided he wanted nothing to do with us upon learning of the pregnancy.

I am now married. However, should my marriage fail for any reason, I would have no qualms whatsoever in going to a sperm bank and having another baby. Having raised DD by myself for the first 9 years of her life, and comparing that to raising her with my now DH, I can tell you it was far easier when it was just DD and I. No debates about the best way to raise a child, no feeling torn between the child and the partner. I just got on and did what I though was best for DD, without having to consider anyone else's wishes.

Frankly, there are women who are married or with partners that aren't the greatest of parents. Then there are single men and women who do an incredibe job raising a child on their own.

Why it's any of your business how someone goes about getting pregnant is beyond me.

MadameChinLegs · 27/03/2012 10:50

YABU.

YAB a crap friend.

Yorkpud · 27/03/2012 10:51

YABU - it is better than going out and having lots of one night stands to get pregnant. At least there is no risk of STDs.

It is not the most sensible thing in the world to do but she may never have a child if she waits to meet the right man. I have been desperate for children since as long as I can remember and if I had still been single in my thirties I may have gone down this route.

Maybe you should have a chat with her about all that babies/children entail. Lend her your own for a bit too!

blubberyboo · 27/03/2012 10:52

yabu mostly on the points you have described above...ie there is nothing wrong with her bringing a child up on her own and to get pregnant safely by using a doner
.
however i do feel that the child has a right to be able to trace the doner of the sperm as they have a right to know where they came from

my husband was adopted and whilst he knows his birth mother it is a huge hole in his life to not know about his biological father. it also when his birth mother's family were found he discovered that they almost all suffer from bowel cancer or bowel problems....meaning he is likely to get it too

Lambzig · 27/03/2012 10:54

YABU

Why would you think its illegal? Donors will have HIV, Hep A, B, C, syphallis testing as a mimimum and have to provide medical histories, so its pretty safe from that point of view.

Anyone visiting the relationships board here will know that being in a settled couple and/or married before getting pregnant is no guarantee that the partner will stick around for the birth or after.

I would imagine a 30 year old is mature enough to know what they are doing.

The no financial stablility would be the only issue, but again, not really your business.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 27/03/2012 10:54
  1. no idea
  2. if she wants to do it without support that's her prerogative, but personally I think it's selfish to conceive a child knowing that it will be missing a parent.
  3. if she relies on her parents, that fine if her parents don't mind. Again, conceiving a child you knowing can't support it and will have to claim benefits is very selfish and she should be denied sperm donation on that basis.
  4. that's up to her Mum. She might want a grandchild
  5. I'm sure there are as many checks as possible.
  6. no, I don't think it is morally right to bring a child into the world in these circumstances.
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/03/2012 10:54

YABU. In your morality world only people with money, a career, a partner and natural conception methods deserve to have children... Hmm Admittedly it's not easy being a lone parent but, as long as she knows what she's letting herself in for, it's a perfectly valid decision to make. Keep your beak out.

perceptionreality · 27/03/2012 10:57

I'm a single parent but I've also been married in the past. I think there are some advantages bringing the children up mostly by myself - I get to call all the shots. It is definitely not lonely at all. And one of my kids has severe SEN. Most people have family to fill in the gaps too which is what I reply on when one of them has a school concert or a hospital appointment.

I would far rather have a child who doesn't have a father than never have any children.