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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's wrong to become pregnant via a sperm bank...

127 replies

pinkpainter · 27/03/2012 10:39

Ok - this isn't a couple where the man isn't able to produce sperm, this is a single 30 something year old who has never had a boyfriend and thinks this could be a solution to her wanting a baby if she can't find a man.
Firstly - is it legal?
Secondly - she would have no support from a partner, I've tried to tell her how very very difficult and lonely it would be bringing up a baby on her own.
Thirdly - she has no savings or a career that would pay enough for childcare, so she would be relying either on her parents or on government handouts so she could bring up the baby.
Fourthly - I imagine all the emotional support and practical support would be from her mum, and I don't think it's fair to burden her like this at this time in her life.
Fifthly - I worry about what sort of people give their sperm to a sperm bank, would there be a medical history with the sperm?
And lastly - is it moral to bring a baby into the world like this?
But AIBU - does everyone have a right to children, whatever the circumstances?

OP posts:
ChaosTrulyReigns · 27/03/2012 11:29

Did you think it twice though, kfp and opener?

Wink
ifancyashandy · 27/03/2012 11:30

I'm single. Over the age of 40. I would love to have kids but it's looking unlikely. If I were in a position to avail myself of a sperm donor with emotional support of friends and family, I would be in like a shot. I personally think your friend is very very brave. I wish I had half her gumption.

Although, this comment "A person who grows old with no life partner and no children is destined for a very sad and lonely life indeed.2 has caused this Hmm reaction in me.

Single and childless does not equal sad and lonely. Thankfully I have friends and family who don't feel this way.

perceptionreality · 27/03/2012 11:30

lou - the person in the OP apparently has a job.

Poor people should not have to grow old alone just because they will need some state support. We all rely on the state - the NHS for example (not just for urgent medical issues either)

I do think everyone is entitled to be a parent if they want to be.

Maryz · 27/03/2012 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ifancyashandy · 27/03/2012 11:31

(apologies for the random '2' in the previous post)

perceptionreality · 27/03/2012 11:33

Where I live it's no longer the case that being a single parent automatically lands you in a lovely flat! I don't believe that is the case anywhere, either. Social housing is in very short supply. Most people have to live in a bedsit for 2 years before they get anything.

And guess what? Social hosuing is not 'free'.

perceptionreality · 27/03/2012 11:33

housing*

fotheringhay · 27/03/2012 11:33

Sorry geek I didn't mean it that way, was just thinking of my own experience. Bad choice of words. She may be a very responsible person.

I guess I'm nervous about the child's feelings as they become aware of their start in life. You know how unreasonable we can be as teenagers! they could come back with a "you didn't even try to give me a Dad!" or something. Whereas at least the intention was there when a relationship breaks down.

WibblyBibble · 27/03/2012 11:34

Why do you think a man has a right to decide whether a woman can have a baby or not (whether by choosing that a woman is not in a relationship, or by forcing her to use contraception)? (Clearly you do think this as otherwise it wouldn't be relevant whether she had a man around to impregnate her or not). Do you also think men have a right to stop women having abortions if they want one? It's equally anti-choice to judge women for having pregnancies as it is to judge them for having abortions.

SoftSheen · 27/03/2012 11:35

YAB a bit U. I agree she should be as financially prepared as she is able, in terms of having a reasonable job and accumulating some savings. As a single parent it is obviously going to be more challenging to be able to provide properly for a child financially and otherwise: however thousands of single mums and dads manage to do just that.

aquashiv · 27/03/2012 11:36

thinks this could be a solution
so she is just thinking about it right...honestly the poor woman let her think about it is she wants.

lostboysfallin · 27/03/2012 11:37

Yabu, end of

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 27/03/2012 11:38

Everyone is entitled to be a parent if they want to be?

Do you think an adults entitlement to a child is greater than a child's entitlement to two parents?

kilmuir · 27/03/2012 11:40

YANBU if she has no means to raise the child

fotheringhay · 27/03/2012 11:40

Not sure the word entitled really works here. I think it's all about responsibilities towards children, rather than rights or entitlement.

perceptionreality · 27/03/2012 11:40

Yes, I do - that a child is disadvantaged with only one parent is your own prejudice talking.

WibblyBibble · 27/03/2012 11:41

"I don't think only well off people should have children, I wasn't well off when I had children, but I didn't rely solely on benefits, we waited until we knew we could afford to have children, we got a small amount of tax credits and obviously child benefit but that was it. My friend chose to get pregnant on her own, gave up work, got given a really lovely flat and had many extras paid for by the government. Not really fair is it! "

Of course it's fair! She gets help in compensation for the fact that her life is harder than yours, she is working the job of two parents for a pittance. You are the lucky one here. Stop trying to pretend that single parents have it great because we don't. If it was that wonderful, why not leave your partner so you can also live in a shitty council flat with drug addict neighbours who play loud music until 5am when your toddler wakes up so you literally get no sleep at all, on below minimum wage? Pure luxury!

perceptionreality · 27/03/2012 11:42

I agree that it is about responsibility. But a much wanted child is likely to have a good enough start in life imo.

openerofjars · 27/03/2012 11:43

Chaos, I did, and I just thought it again now. Wink

I know someone whose Mum did just this, but without the benefit of the medical screening & history of a sperm bank - meh, so what? - and he had the biggest circle of biological family on his mum's side and friends and their children ever. His mum went out of her way to make sure he had a huge family and didn't feel alone. When she died, there was so much love and support for him, it was unbelievable. Yeah, he never knew his Dad, and he's missing some medical history, but so do some children who are adopted, and you know what? People fill in the gaps. What your friend's child will be is a wanted baby. He or she will never be in any doubt that their appearance on this planet is anything other than the fulfilment of their mother's hopes and dreams.

Or something.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 27/03/2012 11:43

It's not my prejudice taking at all, it might be yours though. For me, it's the memory of being jealous of friends with two parents that is talking.

fotheringhay · 27/03/2012 11:49

And having to hide it too Sad

perceptionreality · 27/03/2012 11:50

How am I prejudiced? I'm not the one judging a woman for wanting to have a child.

However, I do take your point. We all have our own pov based upon our own experiences and you obviously felt like you missed out having one parent :(

DowagersHump · 27/03/2012 11:54

I don't understand what you mean by 'having to hide it' fothering. It's not something to be ashamed of

seeker · 27/03/2012 11:55

There's a simple answer- if you think it's wrong to become pregnant via a sperm bank, then don't become pregnant via a sperm bank. It's not compulsory!

margoandjerry · 27/03/2012 11:55

I don't mind that you think this but this is basically my situation - except I'm 40 not 30. And I have plenty of income.

My DCs are now 5 and 2 and yes it's very very hard but I am very very competent Grin

My daughter is old enough to understand a bit about her background and she thinks it's totally normal. Same as her friend at school with two mums. They are not old enough to know that they are unusual. Her feelings will get more conflicted as she gets older and no doubt the teenage years will be hard but then they are for most people.

I grew up with a single mother (dad left) so I know what it's like to be in a single parent family. The tough bit is not the just having a single parent bit - it's the parent leaving bit. My children will not have to go through that.

Have to run now but happy to answer the other questions later. I don't think YABU. I just think you are not right - because we haven't had any of the problems you envisage. But obviously I would think that wouldn't I? FWIW I've had nothing but support and encouragement from all my family and friends - even my very elderly very Catholic stepmother's mum who I thought would have a problem. She didn't because she loved me and she loved the children.