To wonder if I'm missing something and there is actually more to life with a young baby

[PinkFondantFancy]

This is a bit long and rambly and TBH not even sure what the point is but I'm hoping someone might have some ideas.

My DD is 6 months old, and we're currently in a relatively good place at the moment sleep-wise as she wakes every 3 hours at night for a feed. That's right, 6 months in and she's waking more often than my friend's 4 day old baby.

She's EBF and bottle refusing so the nights are what they are. I'm starting to wean her but its slow going. Anyway, I'm not really looking for any advice about nights. I'm more worried about the days. I feel like they're made up of time units that I trudge through, killing time. I'm not sure even what I'm killing time waiting for exactly. I don't think I'm depressed, I think I'm just totally exhausted but I can't help but think I'm missing something and there must be more to life.

I can't be bothered to go to any mum and baby groups or to see other mum friends. It's at best dull - noone takes about anything except their babies - I can't even remember what I used to talk about anyway, and at worst depressing because they all seem to have babies that sleep better, feed better, whatever, and I leave feeling even shitter than I started. For example, my friend with the new baby wants me to see her this week. I just can't be bothered to go and show interest in her baby and to hear how loved up she is and how good the baby is at feeding and sleeping. I a) just can't seem to get interested in other people's babies so have to pretend and b) it makes me sad because those precious early days with my baby were hell on wheels with a nocturnal baby that struggled to get breastfeeding established and had suspected colic and reflux.

I feel very blessed that my long awaited, beautiful, intelligent DD is here. She is wonderful and makes me laugh every day. I just feel very low and like I'm missing out on something but I can't put my finger on what it is exactly. I'm worried it's just me - all my friends seem to be sailing through having a ball.

oh christ, don't worry, you are exactly as I was...although I did have PND with both. That trudging through I know so well, counting down the hours until they sleep, being so in love with them, but finding dealing with them so tough. No one sails through it, no matter how easy their DCs are.

Have a visit to your GP. Talk about your feelings. It will get better.

It's not just you, it's called exhaustion and seems to be par for the course with EBF babies. I went through exactly the same with both mine. I am just coming out the other end now my youngest is 2 (and still co sleeping and bf).
Be ready for lots of people to come on and tell you you are depressed. I know I was simply exhausted but it does pass eventually.

Ok, you could well be a bit depressed and it is probably worth going to chat with your GP or health visitor.

I would say though that I was a bit bored and lonely in my first maternity leave. The mum groups didn't do it for me either. They were nice and I did meet people who I have deepened a friendship with since but at the time I was rather lonely, tired and a little bored (of talking about babies). In subsequent leave I have been much busier with things like the school run and activities. This has suited me much better and you have your eldest for company.

Go see your gp, keep going to some groups, and everyone gets quite low especially with your lack of sleep. Also lots of people fib about how great they feel about everything. There are lots of threads showing loads of us only just about coping on here.

I hated the first 6 months. Seemed to get better around the 8 month mark and now she is nearly 2 she is a whole lot more interesting.
People would say 'Are you enjoying being a mum?' and I'd think eh? what is there to enjoy?

Depression shows itself in many forms, so don't be too quick to rule it out, as you could be missing out on help that would make a real difference. However, like you say, you could just be knackered.

The weather is getting better, so might be an idea to get out and about. If you just walk around the block, you don't even have to worry about taking, nappies, toys, baby junk with you. If you need anything you'll be close enough to just go home. The fresh air really does make you feel better and you can have more interesting trips out as your confidence improves.

Hang in there.

I can sympathise with you totally although those feelings hit me earlier on but were probably still there when dd was 6 months old. I enjoyed my time with her but found the routine of days very boring and spent time watching the clock waiting for dh to get home from work. I did think I may have some PND but those feelings did lift although I'm not sure exactly when that was. I vividly remember when dd was a few months old and following a morning of her crying and being miserable, I sat wondering exactly what I'd done and how much I missed work and my colleagues. Of course I then felt terrible guilt for feeling like that. I can honestly say that now my dd is approaching 18 months and I'm back at work part time life is great. I absolutely love my time with her but I enjoy work too. It's important that you don't feel too guilty about how you're feeling - I'm sure it will pass. I didn't enjoy groups much either; all that small talk about rubbish drove me nuts but I enjoyed getting out with her and walking, going to the park etc. and this is much better as the summer approaches. If you continue feeling like this have a look at the depression screening tools just to rule that out and if you need to go and see a good supportive GP. In my opinion they get much easier as they get older and become fantastic company too! Hope you start to feel better soon.

Aww, you'll get through it, eventually. You sound like a lovely mum, but you also sound tired and bored.
Sometimes these mum and baby groups can be a bit competitive. Can you get some of your pre-baby friends round for a natter, and some chat which doesn't revolve around feeding and nappies?
BF can be a good opportunity for reading - why not get some easy-reading thrillers to while away the hours, or put on the radio for some intelligent conversation?

I can identify too. I Reslly didn't enjoy baby groups but the monotony of being at home alone without any other adult conversation was mind numbing. As others have said, they get more interesting developmentally at this age. I've also found that forcing myself to leave the house for a walk at least every other day helped. I got fitter, slept better (albeit in two hour blocks) and had some quiet thinking time as DS would sleep during walks.

I don't know if you are depressed. It's always a possibility though so going to your GP for a chat would do no harm.
What you describe is very similiar to how I felt and to a certain extent still feel after the birth of DS2. The only differene was he is my third so I had to go out for school drop offs, play dates, activities etc. I did really feel like I was trudging through days, although they were obviously more whirlwind. I could muster no interest in anything outside what I had to do. Non interest in other peoples babies sounds very familiar.
What helped me was talking about I felt. I did with my mum, friend and DH. I also made an effort to do things for myself so DH comes home early twice a week and I go out for an hour to an aerobics class. I made an effort to see friends. I am lucky as a lot of my mum friends are two or three kids down the line so the obsessive kids discussions have stopped. You should try meet friends who dont have kids or have a couple.
You could do things with DD that don't necessarily require sitting around listening to other mothers discussing the minutae of their kids lives. How about swimming classes or music classes?
And don't compare sleeping patterns. My three were good sleepers, although DS2 is not as good as others. I still tell people he is great just because I can be arsed discussing it and don't want the unsolicited advice that is offered when I mention that sometimes he still wakes for a feed. so people lie about their kids sleeping. Just remember that.

Go to the baby groups, but take a book - it's a conversation opener for anyone else who's bored to death by the baby talk, and it gives you somewhere to hide if not!

Or the other thing is to seek out groups which centre around some kind of interest. Unfortunately I can only think of two really, buggyfit type things if you're into sport/exercise, and breastfeeding/sling meet groups if you are of a slightly hippy persuasion. They tend to have less focus on how many oz babies have taken this week or how long they are sleeping at night, too. The ones near here aren't too lentil-weaving, probably depends what area you're in though. We tended to talk about loads of random things.

When I was at your stage with my first I was alarmed at how boring it all was - something I had looked forward to for all those months left me feeling stifled and unfulfilled. I was loving being a mum and adored the baby but the minutiae of what had become my days bored me to tears. I joined the full gamut of activities and groups but they bored me and the other mums bored me too!

It does get better!

I joined a gym, decided to go back to work part time and soon the baby had the good grace to get a bit more interesting too!

Poor thing - you just sound completely knackered! It's hard to take interest or pleasure in anything when you are so chronically sleep deprived.

I know you said you don't want advice about nights/sleeping but I think that is where you should start. Life looks so much better once you get a bit more sleep. Having said that I haven't got any brilliant advice on how to achieve that, except for assessing if your baby is waking up thro hunger or for habit/comfort in the night then working out a plan on that basis.

I much preferred baby activities with focussed activities eg music or swimming rather than 'play group' type things as I'm not very good at small talk with strangers either. And infinitely preferred meeting up with friends without babies, much easier to have coffee/lunch if there is only one baby in the group and more likely to get 'adult' conversation!

So YANBU to feel low, but you are BU to try to get by without getting more sleep! Hope you feel better soon.

I have a 5 month old ds and feel like you do. I keep thinking it must get better as people often tend to have more than one! I am not interested in other peoples' children or most groups. There are two regular groups I go to - one is music based and ds loves it and the other is mother and baby Pilates. Both are good as there is a focus and while I chat to other mums we do not get into deep discussion about sleep/feeding/development as we are too busy with the activity of the group. It helps break up the week. Where are you based op?

I think you need to get some real friends who aren't pretending! Or open up and be honest, and probably find that other people feel as you do. It's entirely normal. My kids all slept badly until past 1.

Also, arrange some nights out - somehow when you're out with babies, you end up talking about other stuff. Or go out with some people who don't have kids/ older kids/ more than 1 kid. Believe me, I have 3 and the novelty of incessantly talking about your kids wears off after the first one ! I think you need to do some more un-baby things and then you'll be able to enjoy your baby more. I know she won't take a bottle, so it's harder to get out, but you may have to leave your dh with a screaming baby and a cup (if she is 6months, you could put some milk in a sippy cup).

No, you are not alone. That time is very "ground hog dayish" and I'm not saying that I hated every second of it but it is gruelling, repetetive and yes, sometimes downright boring. It really does improve SO much when they start walking and talking though, I promise!

Babies are a bit shit really. Nobody ever admits it but they are little pink splodges of noisy hard work. Toddlers are delightful though. Hang in there.

Agree with what has already been said.

I used to sit watching the clock willing my husband to finish work!

I now have 3 children, and I have to say I have enjoyed the time the most with my third baby, as I realise how quickly they grow up.

Get baby out in the pram, have a good walk, take a book to the park.

Baby and toddler groups can be awful, but there are some good ones. Unfortunately the talk can be all baby, but quite often it is because it is someone's first and they want advice/to know that what they are doing is right/or just need to compare development. Try steering the conversation around to something you want to talk about away from babies.

Once your baby starts sleeping more during the night and you are getting more sleep, you will feel much better, lack of sleep is blumming awful and can really get you down.

Don't underestimate the impact of sleep deprivation, really don't. I've been there and I'm there again.

Your post does sound like you're a bit down. Yes babies are boring IMO but the adult contact at play groups help and you don't have to talk babies (although hard not to when you're tired).

I had to force myself to get out every day sometimes and make sure I spoke to someone before DH got home. That could be the local shopkeeper/librarian or I'd go to a group.

It is shit when everyone else's babies are sleeping but yours isn't (ds slept through til morning when he was 1.... He had reflux and intolerances too) his sleep did improve a bit at 6/7 months and 10 months with blips in between. I don't speak of the pre 6 month stage.

Where are you? Can you get out and do classes instead? I started baby signing for example - better than going to a group.

And remember This Too Shall Pass.

Feel free to pm me if you want to share horror stories ask about ds (he's now 2.5). And I'm doing it all again with dd (3 months, Wales every 45-90 mins thus far!!!!!

Mine are teenagers now. We go shopping together, out for lunch, to the theatre and on theatre trips. We have lovely times. The oldest is driving, the middle one is learning, so I can have a glass of wine with my lunch and not worry about driving home.

I know that seems like forever away and I can still remember the sheer bloody exhaustion of the baby stage. Just saying that it all goes in a flash and there is so much to look forward to.

Could you go on holiday - groups like Mark Warner provide excellent childcare, so at least you could sleep during the day!

Fuck it, I'll just say it.

Babies are dull, lack of sleep destroys your will to live.

I went back early (compared to most) to work as sitting around with a bunch of brain-dead dodos discussing milestones and eating cupcakes wasn't for me.

Your daughter will take a bottle, just depends how much you want to sleep.

Yep, it's boring. My days just zip by in a daze from one feed to the next (DS is 24 weeks) and I finish the day exhausted, wondering where the time went.

That is the hardest thing I find with a baby this age - the fact that you always have a small window of time between feeds/sleeps to get things done. Your whole day is just structured around these windows of time.

It's worked out that I've given up my job because we moved for DH's job just after DS was born. If I had a choice though, I would be so happy to go back to work part-time right now for 2 or 3 days a week. I would absolutely not miss the full-time SAHM thing. Equally though I wouldn't want to have to go back full-time to a stressful job that I hate so I'm lucky to have the time that I do have with DS.

I think the best set-up for babies is to have lots of family and grandparents around to babysit and even just visit to play with and talk to the baby. Just one parent taking care of the baby all day every day is actually not ideal for the parent or the baby, I think. We have no family nearby though and DH works long hours so that's the way it is for now! I'm just hoping this gets a bit better soon...

Well done OP for saying what many people feel, but which is taboo to admit to- that young babies are not very exciting and that much of the day with them is quite dull and routine.

You are entirely normal. I started to enjoy my children a lot more once they began talking, and then the school years are great too- they are going out, making their own friends, developing their own interests and personalities.

Mum and baby groups left me cold too. Often the only thing you have in common is that you gave birth around the same time. Baby talk is deadly dull.

The difference for me was that I returned to work 3 days a week when dc1 was 3 months (6 months with dc2) . This was perfect as i felt I was stepping back into using different parts of my brain.

Please don't feel guilty or abnormal- it will get better.
Another thing- your baby WILL drink from something other than breast if she really needs to- though at this age I would move straight to a cup rather than bottle. Exhaustion is a real killer so I would work on improving her sleep and feed patterns first

Babies Are boring and having them can be quite isolating. 1) go to your gp As it sounds like you are stuck in a rut. 2) get back to your normal life and take the baby with you. Go shopping, meet friends etc etc. get your oh have the baby for a couple of hours and have some me time at least once a week, it will help you to remember who you are instead of being babies mum. I feel your pain with the ebf, it took 3 days of her screaming every time I brought out the bottle but she took it in the end. It was hard but it saved my sanity.

I felt like I'd died when I had my first.

TBH, it never got any better. People treat mothers like brainless idiots. Go p/t and they think you're brain must be preoccupied with housework.

My only advice would be to keep your friends that you had before you were pregnant. I never went to those toddler groups; all anyone was interested in talking about was babies, babies, babies and trashy TV/magazines.