To wonder if I'm missing something and there is actually more to life with a young baby

[PinkFondantFancy]

This is a bit long and rambly and TBH not even sure what the point is but I'm hoping someone might have some ideas.

My DD is 6 months old, and we're currently in a relatively good place at the moment sleep-wise as she wakes every 3 hours at night for a feed. That's right, 6 months in and she's waking more often than my friend's 4 day old baby.

She's EBF and bottle refusing so the nights are what they are. I'm starting to wean her but its slow going. Anyway, I'm not really looking for any advice about nights. I'm more worried about the days. I feel like they're made up of time units that I trudge through, killing time. I'm not sure even what I'm killing time waiting for exactly. I don't think I'm depressed, I think I'm just totally exhausted but I can't help but think I'm missing something and there must be more to life.

I can't be bothered to go to any mum and baby groups or to see other mum friends. It's at best dull - noone takes about anything except their babies - I can't even remember what I used to talk about anyway, and at worst depressing because they all seem to have babies that sleep better, feed better, whatever, and I leave feeling even shitter than I started. For example, my friend with the new baby wants me to see her this week. I just can't be bothered to go and show interest in her baby and to hear how loved up she is and how good the baby is at feeding and sleeping. I a) just can't seem to get interested in other people's babies so have to pretend and b) it makes me sad because those precious early days with my baby were hell on wheels with a nocturnal baby that struggled to get breastfeeding established and had suspected colic and reflux.

I feel very blessed that my long awaited, beautiful, intelligent DD is here. She is wonderful and makes me laugh every day. I just feel very low and like I'm missing out on something but I can't put my finger on what it is exactly. I'm worried it's just me - all my friends seem to be sailing through having a ball.

You could be me when I had DD1! Lots of excellent advice on here, I'll just add one point which I don't think others have made.

I met loads of mum's at various groups who just wanted to talk about babies which I found too boring for words but stuck at it and made two brilliant friends who I am still mates with now. I found them by 'outing' myself at a baby playgroup (figured I had nothing to lose!) and just said something like 'Gosh, is anyone else a bit bored and totally bloody knackered and struggling to get through the day without going nuts?!'. And we found each other! So that might be worth a go.

If you're based in London let me know, I now have DD2 who is nearly 6 months so doing the whole baby thing again and we could meet (I don't talk about milestones and eat cupcakes btw). It's much more fun the second time around as well as I have DD1, now 4 and a whole lot more interesting, to entertain me and DD2!

Yes, yes and yes! Ds is 6 mths and wakes 4 times in tge nights and I and abso-fucking-lutly exhusted, in fact no exhusted doesn't come near. I have a 4 yr old dd as well.

I have done nothing with ds whereas I was always out with dd but she slept so well so it was easier.

No advice but another saying you are not alone.

Yep, it is really boring and nothing prepares you for how relentless it is and for how just when things are going well they suddenly go tits up! I have had some very low moments and some very high ones. If you feel like your low ones are greater than the high ones then please have a chat to your GP.

My DD is 12 months now and has started day care for a couple of days a week, it is so that I can start looking for some freelance work, but OMG it is fantastic to have time to myself.

My advice is to do a couple of activities that don't necessarily involve solely chatting to other mothers, but give you a chance to get out of the house and your baby some sort of stimulation. So swimming, music, dance etc. If you are in London from 6 months some museums run programmes for babies, there are classical music concerts all sorts.

Also, do you have any male friends without children? I found it great to hang out with them as they didn't chat about their own children, nor were necessarily interest in mine.

Also, do things like make sure you read a newspaper (preferably in a cafe, by yourself while someone takes the babe for a stroll).

My son is 6 months, still waking at night, and I hate constantly talking about babies! Where abouts are you?

Babies are hard work and a bit boring. They do start getting a bit less boring around 6 months though. Last time I was single so there was no adult company at all some days, that was tough. I'm hoping that this time having dh and my now older son might break the day up a bit but everything you're saying sounds very familiar. It doesn't last forever and they do get more interesting and interactive as they get bigger, honest.

The baby stage can be dull-instead of mums and toddler groups why not do things you want to do-6months is a very portable age! Art galleries, meet friends for lunch, park in sunshine with a good book, baby friendly yoga class?-make the most of it soon you will be wishing she would sit still for a minute!.

Would also recommend radio and books to get through the early days. It's a lot easier once they play, sleep more and eat. I used to go out for huge walks and as soon as he dropped off I'd read my book. It's a good age for just throwing them in the pram and going somewhere, if you can.

But once you get some solid sleep you'll feel more normal and able to appreciate the wider world a bit more. It's that lack of deep dreaming sleep that makes everything so weird.

Sleep deprivation can be gruelling and EBF is a bit like living in a bubble sometimes. I remember walking to a market one morning after a horror night and one of the stallholders saying, 'Bad night? Hang in there!'. Sometimes that's all you can do!

Thanks all so much for all your support. After I had a wailing meltdown this morning DH has kindly taken the day off work to have DD. So I've had a lovely morning in bed, although I'm madly trying to suppress the control freak in me and try and trust that he'll have changed her and tried to feed her, and that if she's refusing the bottle or beaker he'll bring her back for a feed..... I think I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

I really appreciate all your responses, and they've made me feel a lot more positive. Things I am going to try are: try a lot harder with getting her to accept formula or EBM from a beaker, actually go to buggyfit rather than just thinking about it, and try some different baby groups - the ones I've tried are 99% first time mums and what a few of you have said about 2nd and 3rd timers makes a lot of sense. I'm also going to try harder to be less of a control freak and if DH or my mum offer to have DD for the morning I should accept it and go directly to bed rather than trying to micromanage the way they do things. Then hopefully if I've had some sleep I'll feel more like it and actually be able to enjoy DD more.

I'm in St Albans BTW if anyone's local??

Yes, I was the same. I was bored out of my mind and half-crazed with lack of sleep. And also very lonely. The only way I got through it was telling myself that eventually it would come to an end and one day things would get better.

I did start going to mother-and-baby groups and related baby activities (e.g. swimming, toddler music etc) when DD was about eight months. Although these were quite dull for the reasons you give (other mums yammering on about their babies), they are at least a different variety of dull. You're out of the house being bored, instead of at home being bored. Also there is a chance that eventually you will meet a kindred spirit. I reckon St Albans must have loads of activities you can do with a baby so it increases your options.

It is a bit dull if you've had the stimulation of a full time job then end up at home watching the clock thinking about feeds. I still find it dull and mine are 1 and 3. However, going to someone else's house or inviting someone over for and hour really makes a difference to the tedium.

Also, go to baby groups but don't talk about babies, change the subject, instigate conversations. In find it frustrating that nearly everyone on here says they end up stuck with dullards talking about babies at groups. How do you know the other woman isn't just starting a conversation with a shared point of interest and is desperate for normal banter too?!

Babies are lovely and quite boring, I think.

With a first baby mums often feel that if a baby doesn't sleep / eat / whatever well then it's because they have done something wrong. And if the baby is sleeping or eating well the mum may feel she is doing everything right and therefore sometimes be rather, well, smug. Being onto my third I reckon a lot of it is just what the baby happens to be like. Maybe if you are talking to mums who have good sleepers you could just breezily say 'oh, she's not a very good sleeper' and change the subject so you don't have to discuss it ad nauseum?

I find I can actually manage OK with fairly interrupted sleep if I just accept it and don't think about it too much. Wierd but true, I think there is a huge psychological element to tiredness. I would rather go for a walk, go to a gallery, potter round the shops, go in to town and meet a friend for coffee or lunch than go to a baby group with a little baby. You can do quite a lot of stuff with a baby in a pushchair or a sling. Do you have friends who aren't at work you can meet up with on week days?

If your baby is already 6 months it probably won't be long before she can drink well from a beaker. Each to there own, but I don't bother with bottles or formula, I find it easier to just use a sippy cup for water and carry on breastfeeding.

You sound like you are exhausted and bored. Just like me when my dd was a baby. I know you've already tried the groups but maybe look around for a big one where you don't have to talk to the other mothers if you don't want to. I use to sit in the corner with a book and a tea (don't even like tea) whilst my dd rolled around on the floor. It was about getting out the house, putting on make-up walking there and just saying hello world I'm still here. I didn't want to talk to anyone because I really didn't want to listen to someone telling me how friggin perfect their baby is. I felt totally isolated and bored with it all. YANBU you're just feeling down and fed up with it all. I so get that.

It does get better. I found that organising days out like going to free museums or baby cinema with my parent friends helped because it's hard to just talk about babies then. After the film we would go for a coffee and the conversation used to turn away from babies and be about the film.

This thread is exactly what i was thinking. It's boring at first, i said that to my friend, and she was shocked that i called my DD boring.

I've not been to any Mother and baby groups, i just went straight back in to work, whilst my DD is really young, and then i'll have finished just in time for the summer so when she's a bit older and a bit more exciting we can do stuff together that she can enjoy!

This thread has made me feel a lot better!

Ah lovely your dh is giving you a break. Yes, accept help from him and anyone else you trust who offers

I second what a lot of others have said.. Babies are cute but it is really pretty boring looking after a young baby day in day out. Total groundhog day hell! I am about to have dc3 and dh and I keep saying 'if only we could fast forward through the baby stage'. Tantrums aside, 2 year olds are lots of fun and they just get more hilarious and come out with more ridiculous things as they get older.

If you find some kind of group you like I'd recommend going as often as possible. The more you go the more comfortable you'll feel and the more you'll get to know everyone. I found once I settled in at the group I go to (Breastfeeding drop in) I found it a lot easier to talk about all sorts.

I think everyone has different stages which suit them more. I loved most of the baby stage, but found the toddler stage much harder - for many others it is the other way around.

Something I read on Mumsnet when DS was that age really helped me - babies are really portable (unlike toddlers IME) and you really can do whatever you want with them in tow (within reason). So galleries, nice walks, cafes - don't feel you have to be limited to Mum and baby groups if you don't like them.

FWIW my DH is a SAHD at the moment and says he NEVER talks about babies/toddlers at toddler groups! So maybe gravitate towards any Dads you see... Or you may well find that many Mums would LOVE to talk about something else - they're just waiting for someone else to change the record!

I'm in exactly the same stuation - I have an 8 month old, I'm so tired and bored senseless - she will only nap on me (believe me, I've tried to change that, but it's not happening) so no time to myself in the day.

I go to a couple of baby groups, but everyone just talks about their babies and how superior they are to every other child ... I've tried to bring up other topics, but within minutes, they're back on poo or bananas again. I mostly now just go out for a stroll or on the bus to somewhere, but it gets expensive and I'm still on my own. I hadn't lived in the area long before I had DD so I don't really even have non-baby friends to call on.

I'm so sick of everyone presuming I'm only interested in babies or that I'm not very intelligent because I'm a SAHM. If bloody surestart ask me about nail technician or basic english courses 'to help you find a little job', I will scream! I have an MA and in my previous life, people actually used to respect my opinion! WOW, I actually used to have a brain!!! Apparently, not now.

I live for her bedtime, not because I don't love her, but because it's a break from the drudgery and loneliness.

You do not sound depressed you sound entirely normal.
It gets better, honestly.

It also makes me laugh all this talk of going to the GP, do you not think they have better things to do ? You know seeing sick people, a GP cannot organise your social life, pay your bills, wave a magic wand. Honestly people need to be a bit more realistic, depression is one thing but a bit bored and fed up I'm afraid you have to deal with yourself.

Given how you are feeling, OP, definitely try and get DH to persuade her to take EBM (or formula) from a bottle - because then the possibilities open up. You could kill several birds with one stone by finding a gym with a creche so you could leave her for an hour and get some exercise, which in turn would make you feel a lot better.

Do you have any like minded RL friends who are at home (irrespective of whether they have DC, or how old they are) - if you can arrange to do non-baby-centric things where DD tags along (as it were) you would start to feel more like a human being. I suspect most baby groups are mostly first time mums because after the first you lose the will to live the enthusiasm for going to such things ( - my poor DD (DC2) never got taken to anything until she went to nursery)

Heswall my GP signed the forms which gave me a free travel and swimming pass because I was so depressed.

I think we shouldn't go back to thinking that mothers that are "feeling low" should "pick themselves up" and "stop being stupid".

I can understand how it feels like everyone is finding it easier/having a ball with their babies but I think a lot of it is for show. I think you need to find different things to do with your baby and also do things only for yourself. I tried playgroups etc where I felt like a misfit but finally settled on a couple of activities, Water Babies and Gymboree. For my area, these are the more expensive options and for that you get a different type of person i.e. professionals on maternity leave rather than SAHM's, and we have conversations about work life etc. So for me it is worth the money to see like minded adults in a baby friendly setting. (nothing against SAHM's there by the way! You do a fab job!)

FWIW my DD is 12 months and wakes more frequently than your DD - not said to depress you but to realise there is nothing odd in your DD's behaviour. I found she became more fun and interesting once she was crawling, I think most people find the post newborn pre mobile stage quite dull at best, no matter how much you love them. They can't quite be carted around everywhere like a newborn, yet they are not that engaged and playful yet. Good luck, it does get better!

Oh and my DD started taking the bottle at 9 months, that also improved my quality of life!