To wonder if I'm missing something and there is actually more to life with a young baby

[PinkFondantFancy]

This is a bit long and rambly and TBH not even sure what the point is but I'm hoping someone might have some ideas.

My DD is 6 months old, and we're currently in a relatively good place at the moment sleep-wise as she wakes every 3 hours at night for a feed. That's right, 6 months in and she's waking more often than my friend's 4 day old baby.

She's EBF and bottle refusing so the nights are what they are. I'm starting to wean her but its slow going. Anyway, I'm not really looking for any advice about nights. I'm more worried about the days. I feel like they're made up of time units that I trudge through, killing time. I'm not sure even what I'm killing time waiting for exactly. I don't think I'm depressed, I think I'm just totally exhausted but I can't help but think I'm missing something and there must be more to life.

I can't be bothered to go to any mum and baby groups or to see other mum friends. It's at best dull - noone takes about anything except their babies - I can't even remember what I used to talk about anyway, and at worst depressing because they all seem to have babies that sleep better, feed better, whatever, and I leave feeling even shitter than I started. For example, my friend with the new baby wants me to see her this week. I just can't be bothered to go and show interest in her baby and to hear how loved up she is and how good the baby is at feeding and sleeping. I a) just can't seem to get interested in other people's babies so have to pretend and b) it makes me sad because those precious early days with my baby were hell on wheels with a nocturnal baby that struggled to get breastfeeding established and had suspected colic and reflux.

I feel very blessed that my long awaited, beautiful, intelligent DD is here. She is wonderful and makes me laugh every day. I just feel very low and like I'm missing out on something but I can't put my finger on what it is exactly. I'm worried it's just me - all my friends seem to be sailing through having a ball.

I was much happier with my second. But I had changed in those 2 yrs, and she was a very easy baby, meaning that in between cuddling, changing nappies, feeding and more cuddling I also had the time to read a book or do the ironing.

It is not "sad" that people may find exhausting and boring looking after their small children. It is normal that some people find it so. Many different factors contribute to these feelings, which in most cases subside after a while, because being a mother/parent is a learning curve.

I was over the moon and so happy about my first child. I looked after him at the best of my abilities and totally melt at cuddling him etc etc. But I was also exhausted and bored.

I've read the whole thread now and oh my god it's made me feel so much less alone.

Being in pretty much exactly the same boat as you here's a couple of things you might find helpful (then again maybe not):

• 'waterbabies' (baby swimming). It's the only thing we really do and I look forward to it all week. It's not cheap but it's been worth it's weight in gold for me in terms of having an activity to do with her and feeling like I can take her swimming on our own as well. We are only 3 lessons in but we've met some people who might end up being mates you never know, and you don't have to sit around talking about banana because you're doing stuff with an instructor. I strongly encourage you to give it a whirl, even if you don't enjoy it at least you get a nice photo at the end!!

• a 'doidy cup', my HV recommended this for my EBF baby for when we started weaning her to give her drinks in. Apparently it's easier for bf babies to deal with. We haven't tried it yet because she's not having separate drinks but it's in the cupboard, got it on Amazon. Might be worth looking into.

• get an iPad (or kindle) if you can afford. Its revolutionised our feeds as I could not handle a laptop or book whilst doing it. I wish I'd got one when she was born, it would've made such a difference. I can mumsnet, read, Facebook, play games, whatever. I also have a baby who will generally only nap on me so it's useful for that too.

• breast feeding group, I do attend this once in a while mainly because until we started swimming it was the only time I spoke to other people. It's good to get peer support from people who've done it or are doing it and it's not just about bfing but also weaning, going back to work, or even shock horror other things in our lives.

• as someone said above, male friends are great , although mine have to handle the fact that I've got a high need, energetic baby which makes it difficult for me to focus like I used to. Also they work ft so it's not so easy to just pop round of a Tuesday afternoon.

Fwiw I finally went to a mother and baby group recently. I was terrified of something happening akin to the horror story above and people being unwelcoming (usually the kind of experience i have!) but actually it wasn't too bad. Still not really for me but at least I know what I'm (not) missing now!

And the post above is spot on - cooking and pottering is just not possible with a baby like mine. Even making a cup of tea is an achievement.

Thank god for this warm weather, at least we can get out with the buggy. Next time (if there is one) I'm aiming for a Spring baby as I've just endured 6 months of hell virtually housebound with no family around and tbh I couldn't do it again.

Good luck!

I think finding it hard/stressful/exhausting/worrying are very different to boring. It's boring I don't understand. Magsaloof, I nearly had a stroke when I had her and was very ill afterwards for a long time so I understand that too. Actually my life started when I met her dad a few years before. In future I won't post unless I agree with OP and all pps then. Forgive me, I thought this was Am I Being Unreasonable.

I had a big gap between DS1 and DS2 and felt like that when my second was born. The best thing I did was join a lovely health club with a crèche. I got a break from him and the exercise made me feel good and gave the day some direction. I met a lovely friend and although we did talk about our children we also found we had lots of other things in common.

kitty you should have put that info in to your original post. I thought AIBU was about useful discussion, not unhelpful, unsisterly comments.

Amen@Jasper

I clearly remember sitting in a baby group with my firstborn, when he was about 3 mths old. I was shattered, as he'd been up feeding every 2 hrs, and then woken for the day at 4.30am. I could barely manage to lift a cup of coffee to my lips, I was so tired. I was also really struggling with breastfeeding and absolutely hated feeding in public, but wouldn't you know, DS woke up screaming and I had to feed him then and there. I remember this woman watching me faffing about trying to get DS to latch on, and so i said in a 'sisterly solidarity'- type way 'Its quite demanding at first, this breastfeeding lark, isnt it?', to which she looked utterly stunned and said 'But its the most natural ting in the world, what's difficult about it?'

I had bleeding nipples. I wanted to kill her.

Kitty I struggled for 7 years to have my dtwins(last round of IVF) then had another 1 year later-was bored shatless.

All 3 are miracles and the best and most important things in my life but sorry in the early days even though I didn't know my arse from my elbow it was total utter tedium. They don't bloody do anything other than eat,poo and sleep.What's to find stimulating?

Yes I'd cut off my right arm for them but sorry those early days were days to get through.It's a marathon,not a sprint.Children go through multiple stages and you're never going to enjoy every one.I'll wager that I'll enjoy the teenage years about as much as the newborn months.

Op newborns are soooo not my bag.Plenty of women just aren't into babies,it's normal. You're over the pain barrier and they do get more interesting from 6 months.

I think you need to look at you life and make a list of what you find interesting and fit baby round that.Babies are portable,get out there.

So I'm not allowed an opinion unless I nearly died? Hmmm, not very sisterly either. I thought my original post was clear re my feelings about boredom. I feel it is sad and don't understand if parents are bored by their children

Well, I can't understand how you don't find it boring Kitty... . It is great that you took to motherhood so easily Kitty, really. However, it can be pretty boring.
Trust our word if you have never experienced the feeling.

I can't understand how you can't find it boring either-people differ.

Personally I found the mums that adored baby groups and newborns weren't my bag either in the same way as I don't gel with women that like neon pink, kittens and sticking diamante on their finger nails.

It's horses for courses.

Dozens of women have stated that they find it boring. I'm sure just as many don't. But finding full time childcare of a non-verbal human being a leeetle bit dull doesn't mean you wuv your ickle bubba any less, FGS.

Personally, I want to stick my fingers down my throat when people say 'My life started when I had my ickle bubba'.

As MrsHeff said - horses for courses.

Ickle bubba, pink in any form and fluffyness in general makes me vomit blood. I have no nails to speak of as I teach horticulture. You've got me so wrong, but then that's what happens if we prejudge. I didn't say finding a baby boring means you don't love it. For those of you running to the hills, its a lovely day, enjoy, have a picnic perhaps. I am not ashamed of feeling that my life started when I met my husband and had my baby. I'm off to spend a lovely day with both of them.

Read your first post. i didnt pre-judge you, Kitty. I judged you on the basis of what you said, which is the onyl way any f us can 'judge' each other, here.

I am willing to concede that I may have 'got you wrong', but I still think your first post stinks to high heaven on a support thread.

I am not ashamed that my life started when I was born. Off to spend a lovely day drinking wine in the sun with my friends

Go out and enjoy yourself.sit in a nice balcony or outside somewhere at a restaurant or bar and have a glass of wine in the sun.if u r off work for only a bit u will be surprised how fast the time goes.also just cause u go baby groups doesnt mean you just talk about babies that only happens if you dont make other conversation
.

Kitty, it was the first sentence you wrote in your original post I was referring to. Context to an opinion, however unwelcome or thoughtless that opinion is, makes it more of a valid one. Tbh your original post just sounds like a patronising stealth boast.

I think when it's your first, you almost feel obliged to do all the baby group palaver even if you're pretty sure it's not gonna be your thing... or you worry that your baby needs to socialise with other babies, which I can guarantee you now that they do not (I used to worry about that to the point of irrationality with DC1, I really don't know why). Babies do not need a social life, you do and it needn't revolve around baby groups.

I agree with making the most of your mat leave by doing adult activities, coffee shop, shopping, wandering round town, restaurant, gym, swimming... and tag baby along, everything's mega interesting at that age, as long as you're happy they will be.

Yes, DS1 used to really like the supermarket at that age. All the colours, I think. Also the noise kind of spaced him out and kept him quiet.

I agree that your first comment kitty, was not helpful, as it implied that you had no life worth speaking of until you became a mother. That is a hell of a pressure to put on a child (even if it remains unspoken.)

Having children is wonderful. It certainly changes your life. But in all honesty if you don't feel you have a life of your own before, and after, giving birth, then frankly I find that sad. Children should be a wonderful addition to life- not the sole purpose of existence. Imagine if you were never able to have kids. To feel that your life has no purpose would be terrible

Also- when people have described those early months as boring, I don't think they are actually saying their child is boring. It's more that the routine of feeding, nappy changing, napping, is not wildly exciting. And if you are used to getting more stimulation from work, you may struggle with that. Of course there are golden moments, the gurgles and smiles etc but there's a lot of very mundane routine things.

I think it's great that people can be honest and tell it like it is. I adore my children, and never found them boring as people- but I can honestly say I was happier and more fulfilled once I was working 3 days a week and home for 4.

Kitty - theres a big difference between finding a baby boring and finding it boring looking after one. When my ds1 was born I thought he was utterly amazing, absolutely fascinating and totally awesome. I took hundreds of photos and got excited about every thing he did. I was amazed I had produced an actual human! I also found looking after him, day in, day out, doing the same mundane tasks over and over boring. Doesn't mean he was boring.

Both my kids slept through within the first 3 weeks, and we maintain a strict time for quiet time/sleep time.

The mistake we made was with our first born (or our trainer baby) who we still struggle to get to sleep in her own bed, but it is improving (the mistake was to allow her into our bed too easily if she cried at night).

Regarding feeding, we made huge mistakes by feeding on demand. It is easy to be caught out and to feed inappropriate stuff to them which will make things harder as they grow (harder to say no to them, and harder for them to except the reply no), so I strongly suggest strict meal times.

There is more to babies than you think, you need to spend these formative months preparing them, and you, for toddler-hood.

Sow that seed now, to reap in the near future, or take your eye of the ball and you will all pay the price.

You are not missing a thing that can't wait...

Callmemrs et al, re "my life began..." its just an expression, you all know what it means, stop over-analysing and get over it

Hi OP - I noticed you mentioned you are in St Albans - that's where we lived when I had my first DD (in 2008) (we're now down the road in Watford and I now have a second DD).

I can guarantee that there are other mothers in St Albans with DC who are not "perfect" babies; who had colic, reflux, are terrible sleeper, found BF difficult etc etc etc. Also, there are loads of professional women on mat leave there - I've found a good way of starting a non-baby conversation to be to ask about what they did before-DC - you can then start chatting about a whole bunch of stuff to do with that.

Also, when I was on mat leave in St Albans I made sure I had something planned for every single day. I started going for longish walks with my DD and found other new mums who wanted to do the same. We sought out all sorts of (buggy-friendly) routes, local nature reserves etc. There is a lovely walk to Gorehambury (starting from the car park for the Roman Theatre) which is very buggy-friendly and beautiful. The St Albans NCT has a Yahoo group which is very active - that's where I found some other mothers to go on these walks with. To be honest I didn't find any life-long friends through that, but I wasn't looking for that - just someone to go on a proper walk with. We ended up doing a walk once a week. As well as losing the baby weight, exercise is proven to be good for your mood too.

I actually put together a long list of buggy-friendly walks in and around St Albans, so private-message me if you'd like it by email.

I also decided to go on lots of little day trips, sometimes by myself (well, with DD!), eg Hatfield House, to the St Albans Roman Museum and the St Albans town museum (free to local residents), the Abbey, all sorts of local places, just to make sure I wasn't going mad in the house.

The Yoga Hall has several classes for mums and babies, eg baby yoga, postnatal yoga, and there's always chatting and tea and cake afterwards (not always about babies if you don't want it to be).

I suppose what I'm saying is that I think keeping busy is the key, and that doesn't necessarily mean an endless round of mums n babies groups. And as you've found, the more sleep you've had, the better life seems. Which means that when you've had hardly any sleep and feel rubbish, that doesn't necessarily mean life is rubbish - remember it's the lack of sleep making you feel that way.

I felt exactly like this at six months. The first three were exhausting but I seemed to run on adrenalin. At six months I remember sitting on a baby music group singing the wheels on the bus to other adult women given most of the babies were completely disinterested and thought 'it's time [to go back to work]. I did just that a couple of months later (had a month in Australia planned so did that on mat leave ) and it was the best thing I ever did.

If I want to talk babies I seek out one of the Mums I work with a scoff cake and chat about our DDs who are a few weeks apart in age, which is nice occasionally. I'm happier not being bored and DD seems happier being entertained by pros and other children all day. But best of all it means our early mornings, evenings and weekends are wonderful and never, ever boring!

I occasionally work from home and see new mums aimlessly pushing their babies around where I live - many look so bored, and I can totally empathise. I remember just going out to buy something, anything, just to have a task between feeds. My NCT group were all lovely but very 'by the book'. Thank god I found one friend who'd talk about anything other than our babies over wine, she was a godsend and will hopefully be a friend for life.

Incidentally, it was comments like yours Kitty that made early motherhood harder - I adored my DD from day one but being at home was boring, and comments that make you feel a failure, unnatural, a bad mother etc. are the last thing anyone needs when they have a six month old, little sleep and are asking for help!

Agree with most previous posters. Having a baby can be a little anti-climactic compared to the way it is portrayed on TV/by celebs etc. I would urge you to go to Mother & Baby group though. Mine was a life saver. Rather than a load of twee Mums fawning over their babies I found that most people were experiencing much of what I was, which helped enormously. They were all so supportive and non-judgemental. Some were experienced Mums too so you get the benefit of their advice. My DDs are 11 and 9 now and us Mums from the group still meet up for 'Totsclub' Christmas Dins together. (No children...natch!).

Imo the idea of sitting at home seeing to and entertaining baby is a western world artificial ideal. If it was blissful fun men would be doing it too.

My mother didn't do it. Babies were on a strict 4 hour sleep feed rota.

If you see eg african tribal women, they have their baby strapped to their backs and are working, in the fields or in the home but not sitting about all day and not alone with their baby.

Also, I can't think of any employment which requires regular broken sleep through the night and a full days work the next day --- rightly not acceptable with todays health and safety and employment laws. So getting little sleep is not good and probably the biggest problem for you.

I would try to get out every day. And try to get out without baby ---- you'll be amazed to find that the rest of the world is still ticking along, there are films to go and see, restaurants to visit, friends to see - it's waiting for you to rejoin.