To wonder if I'm missing something and there is actually more to life with a young baby

[PinkFondantFancy]

This is a bit long and rambly and TBH not even sure what the point is but I'm hoping someone might have some ideas.

My DD is 6 months old, and we're currently in a relatively good place at the moment sleep-wise as she wakes every 3 hours at night for a feed. That's right, 6 months in and she's waking more often than my friend's 4 day old baby.

She's EBF and bottle refusing so the nights are what they are. I'm starting to wean her but its slow going. Anyway, I'm not really looking for any advice about nights. I'm more worried about the days. I feel like they're made up of time units that I trudge through, killing time. I'm not sure even what I'm killing time waiting for exactly. I don't think I'm depressed, I think I'm just totally exhausted but I can't help but think I'm missing something and there must be more to life.

I can't be bothered to go to any mum and baby groups or to see other mum friends. It's at best dull - noone takes about anything except their babies - I can't even remember what I used to talk about anyway, and at worst depressing because they all seem to have babies that sleep better, feed better, whatever, and I leave feeling even shitter than I started. For example, my friend with the new baby wants me to see her this week. I just can't be bothered to go and show interest in her baby and to hear how loved up she is and how good the baby is at feeding and sleeping. I a) just can't seem to get interested in other people's babies so have to pretend and b) it makes me sad because those precious early days with my baby were hell on wheels with a nocturnal baby that struggled to get breastfeeding established and had suspected colic and reflux.

I feel very blessed that my long awaited, beautiful, intelligent DD is here. She is wonderful and makes me laugh every day. I just feel very low and like I'm missing out on something but I can't put my finger on what it is exactly. I'm worried it's just me - all my friends seem to be sailing through having a ball.

I have a 13 wk old DS I love him to bits but really looking forward to getting back to work. I'm bored on mat leave even though we do something most days, my friends are all at work in week and too have no interest in groups and mum chat (maybe I'm my own worst enemy there).

It's probably too strong to say I can't wait to get back to work but I know LO will be happy with his cm she is more experienced than me entertaining a LO and he will have other kids to play with. I want to get back to the routine of work, grown up conversation etc I think you can do that without being depressed.

Annakin
I did take to motherhood very well, my DD is 6mo now. i loved her expressions, ect, but it still dosnt take away from the fact, that for the first month or two, when they sleep all the time, are very dull. & I'm glad other people saw what i saw.

People at the mother and baby groups who act like that make you think your a bad mother. Thats why i went straight back to work, i honestly could not have been a SAHM, i think that would have driven me over the edge in many ways. Everyones different, especially when it comes to being a mum.

Heswall, did you mean to sound so patronising?
OP hope you take heart from the other normal mums who have posted with words of wisdom.

its alright, anna.

I've thrown my two-penneth worth in, anyway.

OP I am quite local to you and have sent you a PM

I know where your coming from- with DS I used to put him in the buggy and walk to the city centre just to be around other people. Now, I have DD aswell who is one this week and I just wish people would leave me alone. After I drop DS at school I just want, on a whole, to spend my free time with her. I get loads of offers for coffee mornings, baby groups in church halls but I feel that the people at these things want to eleviate the boredom that you're feeling and will share lots of personal things with me despite having only just met them, wanting to wholly have adult time and I just don't.

I think tbh it's a mindset and the sleep deprivation that is making you a bit lack lustre. There is no point in comparing it to what life was like. If you had a demanding full time job then, of course, a 6 month old baby is not a match to the stimulation of that job, it is simply not possible to fairly compare the 2. You have to get your head around the fact that your role is entirely different in order to alter the mindset that says this is shit and unstimulating. A child's development under 3 is crucial to their success in later years. I started seeing my role in DS's and DD's life as a teacher in the early years. As soon as you start valuing your input to her life now, you start to feel better about your status. It doesn't matter what other people think about SAHM it's important to realise your worth.

You're exhausted. Don't compare yourself to other people. How do you know they are telling the truth anyway? A family member of mine always embellished her stories when the truth was she was battling massive post natal depression and felt very alone. She just felt pressure to be perfect. Just remember this is a phase for your baby and will pass eventually.

you are not alone! As everyone above has said, babies are DULL but wonderful. I found I could only get by if I got the fuck out the house every day even if it was just for a walk. Like people above are saying, coffee with non baby friends, activity orientated groups where you don't even have to talk to the other mums if you don't want to but you do get to do something nice with your LO, or my very very fav, The Big Scream. Our local cinema had a couple of films every wednesday morning strictly for adults with babies under a year old. The lights were kept dimly on (just enough so you could see to change a nappy) and the volume a little lower than normal cinemas. None of the baby group mums I knew really enjoyed films so I would go by myself, sit with lots of other predominantly mums all happily doing their own thing, BF, change and generally have fun with my DS whilst watching a film. BLISS. Lots of places do it now. It was a real saving grace for me.

I just wanted to give a quick update. Last night was better with a lovely 4 hour sleep nugget after midnight and today I am feeling so much happier and more positive, and I've just had a lovely day with my little girl. It's amazing how much difference a bit of sleep makes! I really appreciate everyone's input, it makes me feel so much better that others feel the same way.

yay Sleep good... no sleep bad. I remember the no sleep thing. I pleased you're feeling better and thanks for the update.

My advice? (take it or leave it)

Get back to work. You don't HAVE to take the full year.

Then the trudge can be done by nursery/childminder/nanny and the lovely gurgles and days out can be done by both you and your DH at the weekend.

Until they sleep through the night and you get a decent chunk of sleep the whole baby thing is both dull and exhausting. BUt what kept me going was getting out and seeing other Mothers, yes there were those who seemed to be in a competition but I made some really good friends who I still have 20 odd years later.

Ignore Heswell, she is talking codswallop.

I struggled massively after my first child was born. The sleep deprivation was brutal, and lasted for a very long time (I wont tell you how long, as I don't want to depress you further!). I also abhored baby groups. I didnt have the energy to be polite to strangers, to be frank.

I was diagnosed with PND, but looking back, I think it was exhaustion + the shock of being responsible for another human being 24/7.

It did get better, slowly but surely. Hang on in there, and ignore unhelpful types. Do you have any good friends from pre-kids? Confide in one of them. It's good to get it all out, maybe have a bit of a cry. This is all so, so normal, honestly.

I had similar problems with DS (he's nearly 10 now, but I remember it all so clearly).

I found that if I could get 4 hours of sleep then I could function reasonably well. Any less than that was dreadful. DH works away a lot and I can remember crying all day before he left because of the nightmare looking after DS (and a 6 yr old DD) was.

It's such a shame that it spoils those precious first few months, but you'll have loads of time before long and will really enjoy it all, I'm sure. Good luck.

Just marking my place really so I can read whole thread tomorrow but I so recognise myself in your OP. dd is 6mo tomorrow, EBF and started trying to wean a week ago. She doesn't sleep and sometimes I think she doesn't even like me and is just waiting for dh to come home I feel guilty for being desperate to get back to work but I know when I do I'll feel guilty for not making more of this time. I don't go to any baby groups. I can't be bothered to do anything much. I have no rl support except dh.

I hope in these 80 odd replies there'll be something that'll give me an answer

Oh bless you. I felt exactly the same with our first, who was quite demanding. I was exhausted. I needed sleep.

I haven't read the whole thread, so not sure what other suggestions are.
I will be naughty, and ask you if it's possible to have someone look after dd one morning a week so you can do your own thing. Going to the gym, or library, or the supermarket or book club or whatever floats your boat.

I can understand the boredom but you do sound a bit depressed. I don't like baby groups and they definitely are very dull. A 6mo baby is also very boring. All they do is sleep, feed and cry.

However I did enjoy my maternity leave. I just potter around cooking, reading, watching tv. I also sign up for activities just to get out of the house. Baby sensory, swimming, postnatal exercises that kind of thing. To me it's the thought that I will be back at work soon that helps me see it as a long holiday. I couldn't have done it without the positive carrot that's back to work dangling in front.

Pottering, cooking, watching tv are doable only if you have a laid back baby. A demanding baby won't let you potter or cook to your heart's content, this, at least, has been my experience.

Luckily my first loved going on his buggy. He really loved it, so we were out every morning, every day, in any weather. It gave me some "mental space". After a while he'd fall asleep and I could spend gorgeous half hours in Waterstone.

OP, rest assured that ime and imho from now on things will get better, because after 6 months usually babies start to become even more interesting

And think about the possibility of having a few hrs a week on your own, it will do you good.

I am shocked at how many of you find your babies 'boring'. From day one I have found my baby so entertaining. My life started when she arrived and I can't get enough of her. I think its very sad how you are feeling.

Good for you, Kitty. Its great that you had a good experience. I found this with my second baby - she was such a cheerful little angel baby and every day was great, mainly because a) she slept and b) I felt pretty confident in taking care of her but also having a bit of a balance with my own needs by that stage.

However, with my first baby, it was a nightmare. I desperately wanted him, but when he arrived via emcs, I was in shock. I just wasnt well for weeks and weeks, coupled with the fact that he barely slept and cried LOADS. It was hellish. And then it kind of eased into being dull as fuck. I used to manage a team for an international broadcaster. Sorry, but babycare was boring compared to that.

You know, its not a competition and it isn't 'sad' to admit that looking after small children is often a soul destroying mix of mind-numbing dullness and excruciating exhaustion. Even if you love them with all your heart.

Keep your head up, OP. It will get better, promise.

Yes, OP, you are right.

Stop micromanaging. No one does this with their second baby!

Get out in the fresh air and exercise. Stop dusting and ironing, just keep the bathroom and kitchen decent and make sure you can eat. Try going to the cinema, sitting in the sun, doing something YOU like to do. Buy a good book and sit in a coffee shop, paint your toenails, whatever.

Babies are boring but lovely too. Talking about babies is just boring, though it helps to do it once in a while to compare notes I suppose. You can do that on here though, you don't need to go to inane toddler groups!

"my life started when she arrived"

Watch out it doesn't stop when she leaves for uni then.

kitty kitty Kitty* Please don't post if all you want to do is make the OP feel bad. Boo to you, lady.

OP, I'm here to provide a little schadenfreude. I felt the same as you with one (now 2.6), it got sooo much better. I now have another one (6 months) and I'm back in the same place. I find the 'baby' thing less boring (dd is so much more easy going and easier to look after than ds1) but the monotony of my days are horrendous as I'm even more limited about where we go out by dd2s feeding pattern and the fact that ds1 is a very active, demanding little boy who also happens to be a bolter - so even just keeping him within a safe distance when out is hard.

Things got better for me with ds1 when I decided to sod all the playgroups etc, and do some grown up things for me. I did day trips to the beach or country houses and gardens on nice days, art galleries and museums on rainy days and actively asked friends without kids to meet up for some days out. As a result, ds1 got to see so many places he wouldn't normally, I got some headspace and some sanity and my PND (if that was what it was) lifted gradually. By 18 months, I really looked forward to going out with him. I can't wait for dd2 to stop needing her feeds so bloody often and ds1 to get a bit more obedient so he won't always run off.

Good luck, it will get better.

It was the my life started the day she arrived types that made me run screaming for the hills!