to ask my mum to look after my DC for one day a week for free?

[slowginny]

I'm about to go back to work full time and have arranged childcare for my DD so mum has her one day a week, my dad has her another and she goes into nursery for the other three days a week. I'm a single mum without maintenance from my DD's dad so the money's a bit thin on the ground. My new job doesn't pay especially well but it will be good for me get back to work (although in my heart I'd rather stay at home with DD!).

Just three weeks before I'm due to start, Mum's asked me to pay her what I would pay the nursery on the day she has her. I'm reluctant to do this, partly because I don't want to set a precedent for paying her every time she has my daughter (including the odd bit of babysitting) but also because mum's not exactly short of a bob or two and is retired.

I've spoken to my dad (parents are divorced) to see if he'd like paying and his response was unequivocally no! Indeed he thought it a pleasure to be able to see his only granddaughter on a regular basis.

Am I being a cow for not wanting to pay her? This is the only grandchild they have and she is a wonderful little girl and very little trouble to have around. I kind of think she should be biting my hand off!

I tend to agree with ironing. We are all in love with our own gorgeous offspring and right now you are feeling a some ache about leaving your dd behind to work. So it's hard for you to imagine at this point that your mum has different feelings about it. It sounds to me like the request for payment is a way of expressing some resentment, and drawing your attention to the fact that she feels put upon. It must be hard to hear at such a vulnerable time in your own life but there it is. If you possibly can, I suggest you make other arrangements. If you cant, perhaps talk to her about it and say you recognise that this is perhaps a stretch for her but you appreciate what she is doing and believe she will reap rewards from it (a close relationship with your lovely dd). But pay her ? No, doesnt feel right.

I think you need to actually talk with your mother and see if she is ok with watching your daughter, and not assume that she is trying to wiggle out by asking for payment. Only she can tell you how she feels, we can only guess.
If she does, then there is no reason to send her to nursery, I'd rather give my relative/friend money than a company any day.
If you are going to put her in a nursery because you are mad that your mother wants payment, then that is a different story.

Bloody hell OP-get over yourself.

I adored my maternal GM-had a very close bond with her-but she never looked after me!

I was also very close to my Dad´s parents-they never looked after me either!

The two things aren´t mutually exclusive!

My parents are very very loving and do a great deal for my nephews. But signing up to do childcare for somebody who works and would consequently depend on it every week is a huge commitment; I don't think they'd be very keen. For one thing, they are aware that looking after an active child is one thing for a fit and young nursery worker, but even very healthy people tend to have less resilience as they get older. So while they are perfectly happy to help out when they feel up to it, they would feel very uncomfortable about someone basing their professional life on the assumption that they would always be up for it. It doesn't make them any less close to their nephews. It doesn't even make them less close to my dcs who live at the other end of the North Sea.

Of course families should help each other. But it's not a one way system. The OP has very little to say about what she does for her parents.

My parents brought me up and worked very hard to look after me. I already owe them and consequently will help as much as I can when they get frail. They don't have to earn that off me in their old age; they already have.

Cory that is a lovely post. Particularly the last paragraph.

YANBU - my parents would be insulted if I paid them! They love doing it, and I love the DCs having that time with them.

I'm afraid I'd be booking that 4th day at nursery. If I'm paying top whack I want an accredited childcarer.

To look at it another way, if your parents were still together you'd probably have asked them to have her for one day rather than a day each

Is it worth having a convo with your mum to see if she has changed he mind? Aldo if she expect nursery rates then you expect nursery level care, first aid, early years ed, mothers day/ easter/ xmas made cards and presents from dd, parents evening etc

I think it is lovely that you moved closer to your parents so that they could have a close relationship with your dd. However, if this move was based on your assumption that you would get free, regular childcare, that is wrong in my opinion. Having a close relationship with grandchildren does not equate to free childcare. When your mum mentioned that she would like to help you out, she may not have thought that this would involve one day a week, every week, every year until you don't want it.

You have not really mentioned your dd's father in this thread. Should he not be taking some responsibility here, and not just in a financial sense? Also do you want your dd to have a close relationship with her paternal grandparents?

None of my ds's grandparents live locally, but he still has a lovely relationship with all of them.

OP's dd will be going to school at some point, presumably she is not a newborn, so really the OP is asking for 3 or 4 years of a one day per week commitment - it's not like this will go on for ever. I am genuinely surprised that people think this is a huge ask, especially in the light of all the things the OP's mum said about helping etc.

"My parents brought me up and worked very hard to look after me. I already owe them and consequently will help as much as I can when they get frail. They don't have to earn that off me in their old age; they already have."

Yes that´s how I feel tbh.

I think people are being a bit hard on Op, atleast she's going to be earning a living to give her daughter a decent future. 21k is more than enough a decent wage my H gets no where near that much. Re reading it the ops threads iv noticed the Gm has inherited 250k !-so why does Gm need the money??-definetly think the babysitting would be too much for Gm so she has decided to ask for money so Op feels obliged to go elsewhere for her childcare.
Op you need to have a one to one convo with your mum as in dont think she is being honest with u

maybe your mum has debts you are unaware of, or had plans for her inheritance eg extension, trust fund for your dd and it wasn't as much as she thought it was going to be.

Also she may still be grieving and feels that at this particular time she is not capable of looking after your dd on a regular basis, but doesn't quite know how to tell you.

I certainly think you need to have a chat with her. Apart from this issue have you always had a good relationship with your mum?

My PIL have offered to have my daughter 5 days a week when I finish my maternity leave (although I'm hoping to go back 4 days) free of charge, in fact they were insulted when DH and I suggested payment. I will however buy them some flowers/cook them something regularly in order to say thank you.

I thank my lucky stars for them and I realise how lucky we are (they've done the same thing for my SIL & BIL (my nieces are 9 & 5).

My mum however would do as the OP's mum has done and to be honest I'd put my daughter in nursery for the extra time. Not to punish her but purely because it'll be cheaper. I'd be very disappointed that she didn't discuss this with me from the offset.

I think this situation is very sad. I agree your mum sounds like she doesn't want to do it. I think you need to have an honest conversation with her and book your DD into nursery for four days before this becomes a rift.

I agree annakin. For many grandparents it's their first taste of freedom from daily/ weekly commitments after 40 years of work, not to mention bringing up their own children. When my kids were little, I took them to visit the grandparents often, we had days out, and as they got a little older they even stayed overnight as a special treat, with each grandchild having 'their ' time . Consequently they had a great relationship- all the pleasures without any of the responsibility of being left in charge or having to timetable their social lives around my work. I would feel awful restricting their lives just for my own convenience or to save money

YANBU - she volunteered and now she is asking for money. If I was retired I know I would love to look after my grandchildren, especially as its only a day a week.

My mum wouldn't take money from us for looking after the children but she would not commit to set times so I have never been able to rely on her for work really which is a shame as I had to work evenings when mine were young due to not being able to afford childcare.

If its a cycle though then I went to gps growing up and then my mum/dad had time to themselves to work, go out for meals, parties or whatever. Now they do it back, same as I will do it back for mine. Same as dhs and all my friends, nursery mums,school mums and acquaintances.

If you have been bringing your kids up with no breaks then its different but until I came on here I thought that was exceptionally rare unless your parents had passed away or lived miles away.

"OP's dd will be going to school at some point, presumably she is not a newborn, so really the OP is asking for 3 or 4 years of a one day per week commitment - it's not like this will go on for ever. I am genuinely surprised that people think this is a huge ask, especially in the light of all the things the OP's mum said about helping etc."

How many children does this woman have?

How many other grandchildren?

Asking for somebody to take on an unpaid job for 3-4 years is a massive ask.

Enormous.

It means she is not free to do what she needs to do for one weekday out if five, and she will not be free to take holidays.

This kind of selfish attitude to your parents' time can have massive knock-on effects on the relationships they maintain with their other children and grandchildren.

Helping out and taking on regular childcare are not the same thing. Not even close.

The former is a flexible arrangement, the latter a massive commitment that necessarily crowds out other commitments and spontaneity.

Why would anyone want to tie their parents up like that so they could work and keep all the money?

It's so greedy.

My mother has 3 children and 5 grandchildren (nearly 6). She helps us all out loads, but the deal is that she can't and won't do regular childcare because it ties her up too much.

My SIL has asked for a day of free childcare, which has put my mother in an awful position. She's doing it for now because she was put on the spot, but she feels taken advantage of and is looking for a way out of it.

4 other children are missing out because of DB and SIL's sense of entitlement to free childcare at my Mum's expense. It disgusts me that anyone could be so selfish to someone who does so much for them already.

My MIL has been tied up for years minding her daughter's children, which has meant she struggles to visit her son and his children. It's shit.

YANBU - that's what families are for! I'm sure if she needed to stay with you in her old age you would not expect her to pay you rent. If a grandmother was giving up work to look after their grandchild then that's different as they may need the money. It's one day a week and you are her daughter. It's not too much to ask!

Am also a bit at the whole 'doing her a favour' comment.

We all think our children are the bees knees and of course, it's lovely when extended family think the same (and I'm sure your mum does think your DD is the bees knees).

But to write it out as doing her 'a favour' smacks of not actually appreciating the huge deal it is to look after a pre-schooler for a day a week. Maybe your mum is picking up on this?

BTW, you're not doing her a favour, if she was looking after your dd for a day, she is doing you a bloody huge favour!

I don't get any help with childcare as GPs all live very far away.
But interestingly when I had ds both sets offered to move to where I live to look after him. Not something I would have wanted, but shows how far from unwilling some GPs are!

I also think it's unfair of her to mention this 3 weeks before starting, as it puts you in an unfair position, if for free had been previously offered.

BUT, anyone who gets free childcare from GPs are lucky. I thank my lucky stars my mum helps out as and when (and she doesn't do regular childcare).

I wonder if this expectation from OP and possibly this perception you are doing her a favour (and maybe no real comprehension of how big a deal it is) is maybe what's miffed your mum.

You're a single parent, you will get help for your registered childcare costs. It is illegal to pay your mum and will cost you more long term as you can't claim any of it back from tax credits. My mum was my childcare two days a week for a year unpaid and loved it. She then did one day a week with two kids which was hard for her. So they went into paid childcare. I'm a single parent too and pay for all my childcare now on a drastically lesser salary - but do get tax credit childcare help.