to ask my mum to look after my DC for one day a week for free?

[slowginny]

I'm about to go back to work full time and have arranged childcare for my DD so mum has her one day a week, my dad has her another and she goes into nursery for the other three days a week. I'm a single mum without maintenance from my DD's dad so the money's a bit thin on the ground. My new job doesn't pay especially well but it will be good for me get back to work (although in my heart I'd rather stay at home with DD!).

Just three weeks before I'm due to start, Mum's asked me to pay her what I would pay the nursery on the day she has her. I'm reluctant to do this, partly because I don't want to set a precedent for paying her every time she has my daughter (including the odd bit of babysitting) but also because mum's not exactly short of a bob or two and is retired.

I've spoken to my dad (parents are divorced) to see if he'd like paying and his response was unequivocally no! Indeed he thought it a pleasure to be able to see his only granddaughter on a regular basis.

Am I being a cow for not wanting to pay her? This is the only grandchild they have and she is a wonderful little girl and very little trouble to have around. I kind of think she should be biting my hand off!

But theres a big difference between looking after GC and babysitting them to being tied rigidly to one whole day every single week ad finitum on a functional basis while their mother goes to work

Why is the OP's DM being dishonest about what she wants? Either she genuinely believes herself to be worth paying the same as for qualified nursery staff, or she is trying to back out of the arrangement and is chosing to do it in a sneaky dishonest way.

Yes, I agree, she should just say upfront that she doesn't want the commitment, rather than play this game about wanting payment at nursery fees level. But looking at some of the comments on this thread which suggest that a grandparent who doesn't sign up to free childcare is somehow not loving enough- well, I can see how she might have reservations about being honest

She probably doesnt feel she can be honest and say she doesnt want to do it and reading this thread you can see why

Paying her makes it a business arrangement, and puts it on a different footing?

Hi there, OP dropping back in and thanks for all your replies.

In response to some of the opinions voiced, I guess I'm peeved because she volunteered for this (indeed nibbled at my hand) and now appears to be backing out. I don't think I'm being unreasonable asking her to think before she offers am I?

Notwithstanding, I'm about to take a job that pays substantially less than I'm capable of earning so I could live closer to my parents and give them the opportunity to see my DD growing up. I barely saw any of my Grandparents growing up and my mother tells me that she regretted this bitterly. I wanted to put this right and have turned down opportunities to live and work elsewhere to make this happen. Now it appears I might as well have taken a better paid job and put my kid into nursery full time; if it wasn't for dad, I might just do that.

I do feel that I'm doing her a favour in giving her unrestricted access to my DD for one day a week to give them a chance to build a precious relationship. She's not a burden, she's an amazing, lively, intelligent child who has an enormous amount to give and I think my mum's about to make a huge mistake.

Hmmm... got that off my chest......

But is she actually doesn't want to do it, what happens if OP calls her bluff and offers her the nursery rate? She'll have even more money, but still not have her free time!

Cant believe you just said that OP

Well tbh I'm feeling even less sympathetic since your last post OP.
All this talk of taking a lower paid job, and staying near your parents so they could have 'unrestricted access'... It smacks of being quite manipulative in a way. And all this talk of a grandparent who isn't just along the road being somehow not 'good enough' (you mention it as something 'wrong' needing to be 'put right'). There is nothing wrong with a child living a distance away from grandparents. Really! They can still have a loving, close relationship. A relationship is what you make it- not how many days a week you drop round for tea. If you have built your life around your mother then frankly that's your choice- you shouldn't now hold it against her that she doesn't want to be a regular childcarer.

Who knows?- maybe she's picked up on your feelings of 'hmmph! I could be earning more money in a better job if I didn't live near mother'. You're an adult. Make your own decisions, get a job you want to do, sort out your own childcare. Don't act like a kid and sulk just because you're not getting your own way.

OP-my parents love their GC and offer to have them loads. I can understand why you thought your mum might feel the same but it's obvious she doesn't.

YANBU to wish she felt differently. My DC and GP's have a lovely close relationship - it's a brilliant thing in all their lives.

YABU to expect her to feel differently - her views are valid.

YANBU to be pissed off that she made the offer and is now changing things.

I would do what others have suggested and use a nursery. It would never work with your mum, even if you did pay her.

Wow, not sure why what OP just said is so shocking to people? If I moved to where my mother lives, I'd be hard pressed to find employment, much less anything approaching the salary I could make in the city I'm from originally. It's a simple fact.

My mother made the same move, herself, which is why she is living where she is right now. She left a very high paying job in the city, took a low paying one in the middle of nowhere to help her aging parents, who have since passed. She is now living in a house she can't sell because the market has dropped, and she has few job prospects because of her age, even if she were able to move back. This is the potential reality of moving to fit life around other people.

If I were to move where she lives now (and I would not, as I've seen what has happened there), I would only do so if I knew I could count on childcare from my mother. In the OP's case, her mother specifically said she regretted not living near the grandparents when she was younger. OP is trying to make this change with this new generation, but it seems as if her mum didn't really intend for this response.

FWIW- No, I don't think GP should be expected to make time to provide regular childcare. But I think if the OP knew in advance that she would not actually be getting regular childcare from her mother, she would not have made the move she has.

Seems very odd ur mum wants to be paid at a nursery rate-maybe its her way of saying look after your child is too much for her?- is she very old? Dont mind me asking, just wondering? If it isnt that then i cant think why she would ask to be paid such a substantial amount of money. If i were u i would ask her if shes absolutely sure on babysitting or not? In reality a bit of cash for food etc would be kind of you to offer her but she is not doing you any favours by making you pay nursery fees that u probably cant afford. If a grandparent is retired & not too old they should be helping u out, most grandparents have one of their grandkids atleast once a week anyway (for free) so i find it very odd she's asking this off you especially as she is quite well off as u say

Bloody hell! My DM has my DS every afternoon and would never dream of asking for money!!

Even if the mother was willing to provide childcare now, her health could deteriorate, her circumstances could change- within months or weeks. Indeed, the op said her father is recovering from cancer (though it's not stopping her from using him for childcare )

It's a very dicey strategy to take lower paid work and do a job which is below your capabilities on the assumption that your parents will be able to provide childcare for the foreseeable future. It also places enormous pressure on them. I could see this developing into the sort of situation where even if the mother felt unable to continue with childcare, she'd struggle on Because the OP would guilt trip her by reminding her that she'd downgraded her job etc

Tbh if one of my adult children told me they were going to deliberately under-employ themself and do a job below their capabilities just to live round the corner from me, I'd tell them to stop being so daft and get on with their life. Not because I wouldn't love them and care. It would be precisely because I DO love them.

Op did not assume, GM is backing down on their arrangement that was discussed before she took the job.
Ops father recovering from cancer is even more of a reason to live close by!
I would like to think that family comes before being richer as they are not around forever, time is precious. Money does not make up for lost time.
It sounds to me like the Gm has realised how much hard work its going to be in old age so she's came up with this pricing strategy to get out of babysitting instead of being honest

Then perhaps that's what the OP's mother should have done, instead of making noises about how she regretted her not having her own dc grow up near their GPs. Seems to me she made all these statements about wanting to look after her dgc etc and now has changed her mind, having allowed her daughter to move close by, take a lower paid job, and not said a word.

That was very wrong.

People should do what they say they will.

Hang on hang on

To pay for the nursery tax credits must be paying 70% of the costs as your a single parent.

How can your mother possibly expect you to pay her the same as you would be paying the nursery because they won't pay 70% of the cost to her will they!

Are there other, underlying reasons why your mother would do this?

I'm sorry if this has already been pointed out I haven't read the whole thread because I'm on my phone.

I feel sorry for op as she's now got the job and not the childcare she'd been promised. People cant chop & change their minds willy nilly when a job is at stake-childcare is very expensive and now an extra day might be added on to the bill too

YANBU. If she was struggling finacially, then ok, but she's not. I would feel the same as you. So many Grandparents would give anything to be able to spend time with their Grandchildren. I would feel hurt and angry if it was me.

My mother wouldn't do it, despite the fact she claims if we lived closer she'd love it.

I am so hurt by the amount of times she has not been there, despite claiming she wanted to be.

I would pitch in, in a heartbeat. It's what families should be for.

I think either ask your dad or put DD into childcare. Your M should have been upfront about payment. Its one day a week and she doesn't need the money.

The most important thing is that you do not fall out with your mum over this. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times my parents/pil have looked after my children. I wish they had had more time with them but they didnt. if she doesnt want to now do it unless she is paid then perhaps she always assumed this was the agreement or perhaps she has just changed her mind which she is entitled to do surely. there is a gulf between seeing / babysitting GC's occassionally and being tied into every week. your childs dad has to contribute and you need to arrange a further nursery day. also be aware your dad may have been up for it but may not cope. the most important thing here is that you do not sour you/your childs relationship with P/GP.

My mum wouldn't dream of charging, she looks after mine two after-schools a week on average (pick up, home for tea). That's what she is happy doing, the idea of paying her the same as a CM is bizarre, she wouldn't dream of asking me (just as I don't ask my grandma for petrol money when I give her a lift to her relatives or to the shops).

One thing I would say though, is that it's not a good idea to rely solely on one family member for care without backup, what if they are ill, on holiday, just don't want to do it that week, want to go out with their friends? My mum knows that she can always not pick up one week, it's no big deal to me as I have after-school club/flexible working. She goes on holidays, has her own social life, because she's not tied to looking after my children, she does it because she loves to do it and perhaps also sees it as an important role in her life.

Charging nursery rates for looking after your own grandchild one day a week is really odd, not least as others have said, because you can get massively discounted rates through tax credits or voucher schemes.

"I do think I'm doing her a favour by giving her unrestricted access to her grandchild one day a week" - you are kidding, right? You want free childcare on a regular basis and you think you somehow have the moral high ground. Unreal.

Sunny- I agree. And it also kind of has overtones of "well if she won't take her for free, then she wont get much access.

Op- please don't punish your mother for not wanting to be an unpaid childminder. Your daughter is at the centre of this and it will affect her if you start playing games.

Accept that your mum feels like this. Keep checking in regularly with your dad that he is really coping ok . Personally I would be visiting an elderly parent recovering from cancer regularly, taking the grandchild along- not expecting the parent to take on responsibility. And be thankful you can get 70% of nursery fees paid, as others have said you will on your income. You are lucky in having a solution.