to ask my mum to look after my DC for one day a week for free?

[slowginny]

I'm about to go back to work full time and have arranged childcare for my DD so mum has her one day a week, my dad has her another and she goes into nursery for the other three days a week. I'm a single mum without maintenance from my DD's dad so the money's a bit thin on the ground. My new job doesn't pay especially well but it will be good for me get back to work (although in my heart I'd rather stay at home with DD!).

Just three weeks before I'm due to start, Mum's asked me to pay her what I would pay the nursery on the day she has her. I'm reluctant to do this, partly because I don't want to set a precedent for paying her every time she has my daughter (including the odd bit of babysitting) but also because mum's not exactly short of a bob or two and is retired.

I've spoken to my dad (parents are divorced) to see if he'd like paying and his response was unequivocally no! Indeed he thought it a pleasure to be able to see his only granddaughter on a regular basis.

Am I being a cow for not wanting to pay her? This is the only grandchild they have and she is a wonderful little girl and very little trouble to have around. I kind of think she should be biting my hand off!

callme - I didn't bother to reply, because I thought if I waited you'd say what I wanted to say.

And you did! :o

Also OP, as long as you're working fulltime anyway, you should seriously consider taking one of the better job opportunities further away.

Hopefully this doesn't damage your relationship with your mum and I do agree she should've been more upfront at the start. I have PILs like this and they do my head in with their empty promises when it's clear they just don't particularly want to help out in any way with the kids... Grrr. Just be honest fgs.

In saying that, you'll find in life that nobody adores your child like you do and it's best to be prepared for others in the future, even family, to have a more objective view than you do. Minding someone else's child is minding someone else's child no matter how you look at it, and minding children is not easy work, no matter how great you think your own child is.

OP I hope you are not saying you are only going to let the grandparents have quality time with their grandchild if they provide free childcare ie two way street.

Likewise I hope your mum doesn't only want time with your dd if she is paid for it.

I hope you can all have a lovely time with your dd

ATIYL, looking after children that you love is not work, in the sense that going to normal paid employment is work. It is not comparable to child minding, where you are looking after children that you don't have an emotional bond with.

No one is suggesting that it is a treat for child minders to look after other peoples children, or that sah doesn't involve any work - I should know, as I've been both a CM and a sahm. However, looking after one child, for one day per week, really doesn't involve that much work. It will still be the mother of the child who gets up to her in the night, cares for her when sick, does the laundry and the shopping and all the tasks involved with being a parent that are justifiably described as work. All grandma has to do, is the fun stuff.

Yes, it is a responsibility and a commitment - I don't dispute that, but the OP isn't asking for a full week of child care. I do think it's sad that a GP won't help out their lp dd, or help her to save on a bit of the expense, especially having offered to do so and stood by while the OP made job choices in the light of said offer.

It would only be manipulative etc, if OP was highly paid and letting her mum live in poverty, rather than help her out by sharing the money she's saved on account of having free child care. That's not the case here.

I don't see why a gp wouldn't be able to spend quality time with their gc and indulge them because they weren't providing free childcare on a regular basis. Quite the opposite in fact.

my mil looked after dds for one day per week and they went to nursery 2 days. There is no way i would have paid for her to mind them for 3 reasons:

• the range of activities/ experiences with kids is no way as good with gp's compared as nursery ime. Of course their are bonding benefits but i found both my dds tired of the gp's quickly as they grew up and wanting to be with other children

• financially its cheaper to pay nursery especially if you use childcare vouchers through work (LOADS cheaper)

• what happens if you want the odd night out -do you have to pay then? I would feel unable to ask if i was paying

However at the same time it's wrong to expect it from gp's - mine offered and i accepted (certainly wouldn't have asked). If there had been any talk of money i would have refused as i don't think they get value for money with gp's compared to nurseries (although i admit my dds went to an amazing nursery which provided opportunities that i could never have given them during the day). Their gp's were great and always took them places everytime they had them but my dds just craved more fun with other kids.

I think that paying GPs for child care muddies the waters. Your parent is not your employee - would people feel that in paying, they could make demands as to how time was spent?

If my parents were to look after my dc, while I worked, I would not pay them for doing so, nor would they expect it. In my family, we all help each other, as and when needed. However, I would find a way to share my earnings with them, because I could only have those earnings, on account of them helping me out.

But that would be about sharing the wealth, not paying GPs to look after their own flesh and blood. Not sure if I've explained that clearly, but there would be a distinction, in my mind, even if the end result (giving them money) was the same.

Interesting isn't it, how looking after children at home is described as "work" on some threads, with some people even demanding to be paid as a SAHP... Yet when you want someone else to look after your kids for free it suddenly becomes all sunbeams and roses

As a sahp, I don't want to be paid for looking after my own children.

It does involve a lot of work, if you are doing it every day (and night), but less so, if it's for one day per week and all the hard stuff (sick child etc) is covered by the parent.

I'm sure there will be times when it isn't sunbeams and roses, but if you offer to do something, then you ought to stand by that, especially if someone has made job/home choices on the strength of that offer.

I really just don't get why a mum wouldn't want to do this for her lone parent dd, who is not a high wage. Even if it is a bit inconvenient.

I really just don't get why a mum wouldn't want to do this for her lone parent dd, who is not a high wage.

Yes but why on earth do you think it's a given that granny has to take on her daughter's life choices? The op is a healthy adult with a job who is responsible for running her own life the way adults do. I don't get the logic behind that statement at all. Also, the op has said she could be earning a lot more: again, it was her choice to move and accept a low wage.

Looking after someone else's child for a full day (even a GC) is a big responsibility and commitment and it is work. Speaking for myself, I won't be offering my children fixed childminding services for their kids, because that would rob me of the freedon to do a number of things.. take off at a moment's notice, be available for all the things I want to do in retirement etc. Will I not have earned that freedom?
That said I will help in any way I can in relation to relieving for an hour here and there, visiting and playing with kids, collections, drop offs, babysitting etc etc.

Why should parents provide free childcare?

I think the OP feels her DM influenced her life choices though, with talk of wanting to be more "hands on" than her own GPs had been.

I really just don't get why a mum wouldn't want to do this for her lone parent dd, who is not a high wage. Even if it is a bit inconvenient
Do you really not get why a grandma wouldn't want to do this? Really?
I don't think it's that hard to see why someone mightn't want to look after their grandchildren on a regular, almost professional, basis.
It is lovely that some grandparents do want to, it's fantastic. But I can still appreciate that some might not want to.

Yes igggi I also think that's an issue in this case and also the fact that the mother wasn't upfront from the start, ie agreeing to do it then looking for money, which suggests to me that in fact she didn't want to do it.

In general though, there's an awful lot of presumption when it comes to grandparents, with parents just expecting them to be thrilled to get a chance to mind their kid. Great if a GC sincerely offers and I know many do, but I'd never make the assumption.

Helltotheno, I think in this particular case, the granny was very keen and volunteered, so the op chose her (lower paid) job, on the basis that she was doing something that her mum said she wanted. Now that it's too late to change her job, the gran has changed the terms. That's just unfair.

I don't think that one day per week is a huge infringement on the granny's freedom and I don't think it's that hard to look after one child. Clearly, other people do.

In the OP's case, the granny wants her complete freedom, more than she wants to help her dd out and honour her word.

one day per week is a huge infringement on the granny's freedom

Many of the grannies I know, that would be a HUGE infringement on their freedom and more power to them I say. They have hobbies and take off on trips and do courses.... great lives which is the way it should be. They also help out a lot with their gc when free so the two things are not mutually exclusive.

I agree that the granny was dishonest in this case though. On the plus side, OP knows where she stands now and I think she did say she could still apply for one of those other jobs? I also think op should tell her mum that she feels misled.

Spartafc, I can see why a gp wouldn't want to do it on a full time basis, but I honestly can't see why they wouldn't want to do it once a week.

I wouldn't just assume that GPs would want to be very hands on, but if I'd been deliberately led to believe that's what they wanted and then all of a sudden their viewpoint was different, I'd be hurt by that.

But then, I come from a family where the GP's do want to be very involved, (and where they would do everything they could to make life easier for me, their dd (just as I would do the same for them).

I wouldn't be at all surprised if the OP got a new job, further away and then the gran starts complaining that she never gets to spend time with DGC!

The gran needs to be aware that if OP's dd is in nursery most of the week, the OP will want to spend weekends with her and do their own thing - that might not involve seeing the gran when the gran wants to be seen.

That's not about a tit for tat attitude, more that you can't have your cake and eat it too. If gran wants complete freedom, and not to be depended upon, then it's likely that the Op will forge a life where her mum isn't at the centre of her considerations.

Helltotheno- spot on. Even one day a week is a big commitment when it means that it curtails what you can do- take off on trips, accept invites, do day time classes- ie all the things you've waited for years to do.

And while I don't think looking after children is hugely hard work, it is draining at times and it does require being vigilant at all times and coping with things like potty training, toddler tantrums and the daily grind which lets be honest is not always fun. You do it for your own children because you chose to have them. A grandparent has already done it with her own children. Retirement is their time. It really shocks me how some people use the 'well we're a close family and that's what families do' line to basically get their own way! Surely being a loving family is respecting that each member has their own life.

Cross posts there karma.

Why should the mother be at the centre of the daughters considerations? Strikes me as a bit of an unhealthy way to live your adult life, in one another's pockets.

Yes- maybe the op should move further afield, get the better job she feels shes worth, and allow the child to have a lovely relationship with the grandmother despite not living along the road. It's perfectly possible you know! And going out to work doesn't mean she'll need to cling to her child exclusively at weekends! It really is entirely normal in the 21st century to have your own life away from your parents. It's not like 200 years ago where People didn't journey more than about 5 miles from their place of birth.

I do feel some families operate on the basis of 'obligation'- granny should provide free childcare, therefore adult daughter should give up her job later on to care for frail granny... Shouldn't families be about giving your love and time freely, no strings attached? '

karma you are spot on, I do want my daughter to myself at the weekends!

My alternative job offers were in Africa and Asia, my siblings are spread across the globe and none have children or any prospect of having children in the UK. I have put my parents' wishes ahead of my own on this occasion which I think is a respectful way to behave but for my mother's part, it's back fired. So be it, she has made her choice and I'll make mine with that in mind.

My dad on the other hand is delighted to have the opportunity to spend time with his GC and that makes me pretty happy.

callme I think it's a negotiation and you can meet people half way. Someone does have to be willing to bend and make room in this situation to facilitate things. Sometimes you do have to drop all for family because it's a good thing to do. I hope my siblings will consider that if my mum needs help tomorrow. Just now, I think I might consider handing her a list of my charges.

Hope everything works out well for you slowginny, ive read your posts thoroughly and i think your mum is at fault here for backing down on something she promised to you.

I think I might consider handing her a list of my charges.
Better hope she doesn't hand over a backdated list of her charges from bringing you up, then

If she is expecting payment and you are not willing to pay her, then yes, YABU. You have no right to decide what the best use of her time is or what her compensation should be. Only she does. I would look for another arrangement - perhaps with the nursery or your dad.

"As a sahp, I don't want to be paid for looking after my own children."

As a SAHP you are being paid for looking after your own children.

You aren't supporting yourself financially - either your husband or public funds (or both) are paying your way so you can look after them.

Also - they are your children, so looking after them is *your responsibility.

Asking someone else to take on your responsibility and recusing to pay them is exploitative.

Saying that if they love the children it wouldn't feel like work is disingenuous bollocks.

I love my children but if I have to look after them all day on my own I don't consider that "fun stuff" and when my mother does it for me (as a favour, because she is kind) I am grateful and know that it is tiring and hard work for her despite how much she enjoys it.

"karma you are spot on, I do want my daughter to myself at the weekends!"

Oh right, so the "unfettered access" to their granddaughter really just means they have to be your unpaid skivvies or fuck off?

Why live so close to them if you don't want to see them at weekends?

"callme I think it's a negotiation and you can meet people half way. Someone does have to be willing to bend and make room in this situation to facilitate things."

Yes, you! You are the one asking for something - you have to be gracious and accommodating and accept it if the answer is no.

There is no negotiation when you are asking someone to do you a favour.

The only "negotiating" you can do here is emotional blackmail - threatening your own daughter's relationship with her grandmother so you can get free childcare.

What a wonderful mother you sound

"Sometimes you do have to drop all for family because it's a good thing to do."

O M G

Is there no end to your sense of adolescent entitlement?

I would expect that kind of logic from a spoilt 16 year old.

You think other people should "drop everything" to sort out your childcare?

Grow the fuck up, seriously.

Jesus, your poor parents having you as their only nearby child.

I'm sure you'll find a way to charge them every penny for any tiny consideration you do them.