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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for not giving my daughter toast

163 replies

misspedantic · 24/03/2012 20:44

My daughter messed around at teatime, which was late (at around 7.30) because she had a friend over to play. She didn't eat any of the pasta I gave her, even though I told her to eat and is now crying because she is hungry. She has constantly come out of her bedroom for the past hour crying that she is hungry. She does have a problem with food but this pasta is her favourite. I'm fed up with her wasting food and then making toast for her...

AIBU for refusing to feed her toast?

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 24/03/2012 22:07

Nothing wrong with an open fridge policy as long as basic guidelines are adhered to. If my children want a snack and are genuinely hungry (rather than greedy), I'm not going to say no.

I've never had a problem with this, got 4 kids, very little food waste and we eat together as a family regularly.

Everybody is happy all round

insanityscratching · 24/03/2012 22:08

I don't have an open fridge policy but if they don't fancy what is on offer then I'm happy for them to have toast or cereal, a sandwich or whatever they choose really. I do the same myself sometimes.

pictish · 24/03/2012 22:09

I couldn't afford it.

usualsuspect · 24/03/2012 22:09

Yep , sometimes I eat toast instead of dinner

usualsuspect · 24/03/2012 22:10

Theres always bread for toast , or milk for cereal nothing fancy in my fridge Grin

DamnBamboo · 24/03/2012 22:11

I don't see that an open-fridge policy means they eat more over the day (therefore costing more) than not having one.

They just eat things that are allowed, whey they are hungry and main meals (portions, rather than content) are worked around this.

I waste less food now than I ever did.

insanityscratching · 24/03/2012 22:12

Same in my fridge too usual nothing too tempting so I know they genuinely don't want what's on offer. Have weird kids who don't eat sweets chocolate or biscuits anyway.

NowThenWreck · 24/03/2012 22:12

I grew up in a big family and there was always lots to eat at mealtimes, although you had to be quick to get seconds!
If we were still hungry later there was bread and jam.
There was never an alternative to the meal we were given, and interestingly none of us has ever had "issues" with food, none of us have ever been anorexic, or overweight.
It's fine to fill up on bread if you are still hungry after having your tea. It's not fine for a child to consistently refuse meals someone has shopped for and cooked, and then ask for something else instead.
Once or twice-OK, but all the time? No.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 24/03/2012 22:14

My 12 yo DS is a right little nightmare with food, always has been. My DC2 is the complete opposite.

If he didn't eat his dinner I would send him to bed hungry, or maybe a yoghurt at the most. TBH, he seems to live on fresh air Hmm

But at breakfast time, if he gets arsey about food (he won't eat cereal with milk. He wouldn't eat breakfast muffins because they tasted funny. I make pancakes on a day I'm not working, he doesn't like shop ones) you get my drift.

I have some days sent him down the road munching a slice of buttered toast when I've realised he's eaten nothing. But I think he likes to eat in the street, he's common riff-raff Grin

And no, I don't see food as a weapon, but it is a battle.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 24/03/2012 22:16

That should read:

you get my drift) I won't send him out without breakfast.

misspedantic · 24/03/2012 22:16

I have an open fruit bowl and open tap policy, eat as much fruit and drink as much water as you like. That's it. My friends sister's has an open fridge thing going on and my friends 12yr old nephew is a fat little fucker overweight. I was once there and had to rip a litre bottle of coke out of his chubby fingers because he wasn't putting it down for love nor money. He then started an argument over why he couldn't eat a pudding in the fridge that was meant for everyone to eat after lunch.

OP posts:
NowThenWreck · 24/03/2012 22:16

Also, I know families where the kids don't really eat at meals. They can have snacks whenever they are hungry (which they do because they don't eat their meals).
They seem to live on starchy crap frankly-rice cakes and cereal. And they don't appear to be able to sit normally at the table for the duration of one meal.

warmthandlight · 24/03/2012 22:17

misspedantic not wanting to lay a guilt trip as lots of mums recommend doing what you've just done, but personally I tend to give the benefit of the doubt about food because my dc's appetites are very much affected by emotions and my dd (who is 4) cannot eat properly when she is tired or keyed up. My son has ASD so is a different case but under certain circumstances he will be hungry to the point of hypoglycemia and still not eat.

As I have had it explained to me on a course on wellbeing for adults, appetite is a funny thing, the brain can override hunger messages when there are strong emotions like stress, anger or excitement and of course if we don't eat for a long time and our blood sugar level drops then we can actually feel sick and not like eating any more.

Some people - like my dad - have regular appetites and can always manage to eat three square meals a day and nothing in between; others like my mum are grazers and pickers and have appetites which are capricious - both had the same sort of rules around mealtimes growing up! As an adult I have been taught it is not a healthy habit to eat when you are not hungry and I have been impressed with the way my children will not do so - even leaving half a slice of cake or biscuit when their appetite is satisfied! I don't want to change this so I have opted to respect their own judgement about food within reason.

So can you find a rhythm that suits your daughters' natural appetite without breaking the bank or wearing you out? When my dd is not eating well I give her things like bits of cheese and raw veg to nibble on through the afternoon, then something starchy and light like toast and hot milk before bedtime. It all gets eaten, doesn't cost much, and has the same nutritional value as a plate of pasta at dinnertime. I find if my dd is really hungry plain bread will usually be accepted without being exciting enough to hold out for.

Also, not eating cooked food can be a sign that my dc's are fighting off a cold, because at those times they often just want toast or cereal, bananas or something bland to pick at. My daughter also gets hyper at that time before she crashes so it is all most confusing.

Don't feel bad though - you are just trying to do your best for your daughter - she will be fine! but hopefully you will be able to find a solution that works for both of you without leaving you feeling like a short-order chef in a roadside diner!

usualsuspect · 24/03/2012 22:17

None of my kids were fat little fuckers

DamnBamboo · 24/03/2012 22:19

Yes miss I suppose it does depend on what you keep in your fridge.

A 12 year old fat little fucker with chubby fingers ... nice Hmm

DamnBamboo · 24/03/2012 22:20

Anyway, if you have an open-fruit bowl policy, then surely your DD could have helped herself to that?

misspedantic · 24/03/2012 22:23

She didn't want fruit... just toast.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 24/03/2012 22:23

Fat little fucker with chubby fingers

Nice!

SparkyMcSparrow · 24/03/2012 22:27

No chance of any fat little fuckers in my house.

All my cupboards are locked and only I have the keys. I can use food as a weapon if my dh and ds don't clean properly!

Mwahahahahaha!

eurochick · 24/03/2012 22:33

I think you did the right thing, OP. (And I say that as someone who was a regular food refuser as a child.) I would usually get dessert of fruit or yoghurt if I didn't eat (we always had some sort of dessert every day in our household and tbh I think my parents were just pleased that I ate anything at all, with hindsight) but I would never be offered a substitute. I had a few food issues as as a teenager (very competitive all girls school, most of us did to some extent) but have grown into a slim adult with a healthy attitude to food, in my own opinion. I'm telling you this in case you need reassurance that it will all be fine!

LittlebearH · 24/03/2012 22:35

I think you are right to do this. If she knows to refuse something that she likes and get something she likes better then she will always do it and become a faddy eater. I would only offer an alternative if it was something they really didnt like. She is 7 and not daft. My mum used to give in if we wore her down and how we knew it. But if dad said no we knew it meant no. Start as you mean to go on.

HavePatience · 24/03/2012 22:46

At our house, I have a full fruit bowl from which DS can help himself anytime. Other snacks he must ask for first (3 yo). If he hadn't eaten a meal that I knew he liked, he could get fruit.
I wouldn't be making toast, though.
However, I can sort of see damnbamboo's POV and am now considering if I should make toast in circs like this one...

deviladvocate · 24/03/2012 22:54

Blimey, I'm surprised at some of the harsh comments to the OP on here. Clearly the child is not going to starve for the lack of a bit of toast. I think the friend being over is a red herring as the other child ate what she was given.

Sounds to me like your 7 year old is using food as a means to get your attention, I think you were absolutely right to refuse her the toast. She knew what the consequences were of not eating her dinner - this isn't the action of a 7 year old - my 23 month old is doing this now! She frequently refuses to eat lunch or dinner or barely touches them, then begs for snacks - usually sweet things or cereal. I wrap her lunch up and offer that to her if she bounces back looking for snacks shortly after lunch. If she doesn't eat her tea then unlucky, she goes to bed with some milk but that's it. I used to jump through hoops with my eldest and it took years to improve her eating habits.

OP you know your child better than any of us lot. Your instincts are telling you she's stringing you along and not to give in to her, it's not about discipline, it's about teaching her to have a normal relationship with you and with food! Be nice to yourself and whatever you do don't feel guilty. You're the one in charge, not her!

misspedantic · 24/03/2012 23:01

And we have a winner deviladvocate Thanks

OP posts:
Chunkamatic · 24/03/2012 23:04

Sometimes my DS1 turns his nose up at the food I have made him and wont even try to eat it. I usually keep it covered and if he comes back an hour later saying he is hungry I warm it up for him. I would refuse to make him toast if he hasnt even tried to eat the more nutritious food I had made him, as I think that would just reinforce that its OK to eat toast all the time.

Would this be described as usuing food as a weapon then?

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