Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if mothers love their sons more than their daughters?

187 replies

wildswans · 24/03/2012 15:46

I have 3 x DDs, love them with all my heart. If I'm honest by the time we came to DC3 I would have been happy for a DS, but loved DD3 from the moment she was born. DH never been bothered about sex of DCs and I feel very blessed.

However, last weekend - Mothers' Day, the Sunday Times ran an article about how mothers would always love their sons (the implication being that they might love them more than their DDs) and my MIL often goes on about how mothers are closest to their sons (although actually she sees most of her DD who does far more for her). I also have contemporaries who seem to feel the same as MIL and others who are desperate for a DD, to the extent where a DS is almost seen as a disappointment.

Is this true? I can't imagine that I could love a DS any more than my DDs (although I'm sure that I wouldn't love him any less). But is it different? and do you really feel jealous when he finds a girlfriend or feel threatened or usurped in his affections?

I am not asking whether DS or DD is 'better' as that topic has been well ventilated, but just wondering whether you feel differently and/or react differently to them.

OP posts:
TheEternalOptimist · 24/03/2012 15:49

My DC are not old enough for me to be worrying about being usurped by a girlfriend/boyfriend, but I imagine that the moment that someone else becomes the most close confident of your child is one tinged with sadness. Even if you are happy that they have found someone to share their life with.

I have a DD and a DS.

I don't feel any different towards my children, and do not feel closer to one or the other.

Salmotrutta · 24/03/2012 15:51

No.

I have one of each and I love them equally.

cornflowers · 24/03/2012 15:51

I think in those (sad) cases where a parent clearly seems to favour a child, it is generally due to something other than gender. Personally, I have both and definitely love them equally as much as each other.

Proudnscary · 24/03/2012 15:55
Biscuit
PurpleRomanesco · 24/03/2012 15:55

My mum has always been very open about loving her sons more which is hard because I'm the only girl.

I still love her though :)

zukiecat · 24/03/2012 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Codandchops · 24/03/2012 15:58

I only have one child, a DS and I live him to bits but would love a daughter just as much. I hope if he ever marries/ gets a partner ( I say "if" because he is autistic) that I will be able to maintain a sensible relationship and be a supportive (rather than interfering) MIL.

Salmotrutta · 24/03/2012 15:59

Blimey zukie - has your DS picked up on this?

TheEternalOptimist · 24/03/2012 15:59

That is really sad, Zukie. I hope the counselling helps you to forge a closer bond with your son.

Salmotrutta · 24/03/2012 16:01

Sorry - that came out very blunt. That was not my intention.

He must pick up on that though surely?

PurpleRomanesco · 24/03/2012 16:03

My Mum feels pretty much the same way about me zuki and I don't think she is a bad person either, She loves my DS to bits and is a wonderful Grandmother.

It's really great that you are getting counselling to see why you feel this way.

marriedinwhite · 24/03/2012 16:03

I have a ds and a dd. I adored ds from the second he was put into my arms, I took a little longer to love dd in the same way. They are now 17 and 13. DS will always be my first born, DD will always be my miracle (5th pg and born 51 weeks after DS2 was born and died).

I love them both in spades, I adore them both in spades. Sometimes I like one a little more than the other. They are different people and my relationships with them are different but I don't love one more or less than the other. When dd was born I was disappointed she wasn't a boy but there were complexities and other reasons for that. In many ways I look back and a part of me feels a relief that things worked out as they did because had they not I would not have dd and a life without her is entirely unimaginable.

Isn't there as saying that a son is a son until he finds a wife but a daughter is yours for life. Perhaps mothers cling a little more to their sons because they know one day they will lose them.

insancerre · 24/03/2012 16:03

I have one of each and love them both the same. Though DD does annoy me more Grin

NeverEverSometimes · 24/03/2012 16:04

My husband thinks my son is my favorite, as does my eldest daughter. I don't think he is, just think he is at that gorgeous toddler stage and a happy little soul who's so curious. Time will tell, especially when DD2 gets to the same stage.

insanityscratching · 24/03/2012 16:05

I have three sons and two daughters I love them all equally, I like some better than others at times though particularly if they are being especially trying. I have different relationships with each one most likely because of their personalities though rather than their sex.I am particularly close to my middle son and second daughter most likely because we share the same interests, have a similar sense of humour etc but I don't love them more than the others.

troisgarcons · 24/03/2012 16:06

Mothers and sons, Fathers and daughters.

Remember that every son had a mother
whose beloved son he was,
and every woman had a mother
whose beloved son she wasn't.
~Marge Piercy

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 24/03/2012 16:08

I have four boys.
I have one daughter.

If the OP were true surely the death of my daughter would be a mere blip, what with all of my lovely boys to make up for it.

It isnt a blip. It shattered my life.

Love isnt based on gender. The way we feel about our children may differ according to their age, gender, personality etc but that isnt the same as love.

I look at my 2 year old and my heart melts because he is so bloody cute. I look at my 18 year old and I want to slap him and hug him for being so wonderful and infuriating.

I love them just the same. I love DC3 the same even though I didnt give birth to him.

To break the love you have for you children down to boy v girl is ridiculous.

troisgarcons · 24/03/2012 16:08

Clever father, clever daughter; clever mother, clever son. ~Russian Proverb

WibblyBibble · 24/03/2012 16:12

All evidence suggests that sons are treated better by parents, to the point of being breastfed for longer and being more likely to be allowed to live with parents as adults, yes (you can google this to find sources, it was in newspapers not so long ago). This is one of the root causes of inequality. Obviously there are individual exceptions. I think it is something that needs to be addressed (I have only girls and I worry for them in the world as it is).

whatsallthefuss · 24/03/2012 16:16

my mum had 5 kids, 4 girls then a boy. as soon as he was born we ceased to exist...in fact i was shipped off to live with my nan because my 'poor' mother couldnt cope with so many children.

so in my experience some mothers do love thier sons to the detriment of thier daughters, but only if they are crap mothers....

BTW when i told my mum i was going to do a degree, she said ' OH you are just doing that to make your brother look bad'
yes mother i'm going to do a four year degree course at night school while working full time JUST to make him look bad.

muffinflop · 24/03/2012 16:17

I have one of each. I love them differently but equally

ratspeaker · 24/03/2012 16:19

I have sons and daughters, i love them all equally.
Like insanityscratching says the relationships can be different due to personalities rather than loving one more than others.

That they can be closer to friends and be in relationships is what happens as children grow and become adults, letting them go to form bonds with others is part of a parents "job"

LunaticFringe · 24/03/2012 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsHeffley · 24/03/2012 16:35

Nope.

I have 2 boys and 1 girl.I sometimes feel the dtwin boys understand me slightly better and I infuriate them less however I personally love and adore them all exactly the same,there isn't a smidgen of difference.

JingleMum · 24/03/2012 17:07

interesting topic...

i was having dinner with my mum last week and somehow we got to talking about when i was pregnant & how i chose not to find out the sex and my mum said "i used to think to myself all the time that you'd have a boy, i was delighted when baby jinglemum was born and she was a girl, i'm not fond of little boys, it must be because i only have girls" i was a bit Hmm surely as a grandmother she should have been delighted with a healthy grandchild no matter what? she only has daughters though and has never had nephews that she has babysat/spent alot of time with as babies, so maybe this is why.

i have alot of friends with both a son and a daughter (i only have a daughter) and if i am being honest all my friends do tend to favour their sons (all my friends kids are still only very young though) i think this is because they really are "mummy's boys" always wanting their mums, hugging and kissing them etc.. whereas their girls are really independent. time will tell as they grow up though.

i want a second child in the future and i have mixed feelings about having a son. part of me would love to experience it and the other part of me thinks we'd never be friends/go for coffee/go shopping together and it makes me sad and makes me think i'd like another daughter. i know that must sound ridiculous, but i do feel like you invest in your kids and it would nice to reap rewards once they are grown, as in you have a friend. i don't really think most mothers and sons are friends, whereas most mothers and daughters i know are friends in adult life. all the adult males in my family adore their mothers and have a good relationship, but they are not friends.

zukie - i remember reading a post of yours about your son a while ago, i think it's really refreshing how honest you are and i hope you can get to the bottom of your feelings eventually. i wonder if you would have still felt this way had your first born been a boy?