To wonder if mothers love their sons more than their daughters?

[wildswans]

I have 3 x DDs, love them with all my heart. If I'm honest by the time we came to DC3 I would have been happy for a DS, but loved DD3 from the moment she was born. DH never been bothered about sex of DCs and I feel very blessed.

However, last weekend - Mothers' Day, the Sunday Times ran an article about how mothers would always love their sons (the implication being that they might love them more than their DDs) and my MIL often goes on about how mothers are closest to their sons (although actually she sees most of her DD who does far more for her). I also have contemporaries who seem to feel the same as MIL and others who are desperate for a DD, to the extent where a DS is almost seen as a disappointment.

Is this true? I can't imagine that I could love a DS any more than my DDs (although I'm sure that I wouldn't love him any less). But is it different? and do you really feel jealous when he finds a girlfriend or feel threatened or usurped in his affections?

I am not asking whether DS or DD is 'better' as that topic has been well ventilated, but just wondering whether you feel differently and/or react differently to them.

I have a close friend with one child, a daughter. When she was pregnant she was frantically worried that she might have a son. She desperately wanted a girl, to the extent that she thought she wouldn't be able to love a son. In her case it was a huge relief when she had a girl. Now she might well have fallen in love with a son. But I suppose it's better that she was never tested in that way.

I know another family with four children, all adopted. They very blatantly favor the eldest. It is quite disturbing to witness, especially as these children have been through so much in their lives. In this case it isn't about gender (there are two boys and two girls in the family, and only the eldest boy is favored).

I think that children tend to be fully aware of their parents' preferences. It is very sad to see. Even when people think they are concealing their favoritism their feelings are often quite transparent.

I have 1DD and 1DS, I love them both like mad, in different ways. However, as DD gets older (3.5 now) I find I have more things in common with DD. She is interested in everything, loves books, fairy tales, dancing, music, museums ...

Whereas DS (7) looooves Starwars Lego, Starwars Lego and Starwars Lego. Now as spring is approaching he enjoys gardening and building things in the shed with DP - not my thing really.

Sometimes I feel a bit sad when DS comes home, goes to his room and builds something with Lego, every day - when I ask him he says he just wants me to sit with him.

The only thing we enjoy together is going food shopping. He likes to choose lots of things and we chat about what we will cook.

I wish I had a bit more in common with him, I would like to be close when he is older.

The thing is DS is a very difficult child. I love him exactly the same as DD but I admit to liking DD more.

It's not a gender thing at all. As I said I feared having a girl. But to me, gender means nothing. It's their different personalities.

I have 2 ds.
When I was expecting ds2 I was asked a few times if I wanted a girl, as opposed to another boy.
Before the gender scan I vocally preferred a girl - I was raised in an all girl house (mum was a single parent). When we found out it was a boy, I was quite happy. I was really glad for ds1 to have a brother.
People were rooting for us to have girl. I found it odd and began to get defensive over my unborn boy. I found myself almost arguing with people over why I preferred a boy (even though it wasn't a strong preference).
After ds2 was born, a few people asked me straight away if we were going to try for a girl, which I found a bit offensive if I'm honest. It was almost like ds2 was discounted for being a boy. It made me angry.
Two of my friends got pg a couple of months later, and from the moment they found out they were having girls it was like they were part of an elite club and I was kind of ex communicated. It was odd.
I love my boys to death and am proud of them. Dh is from a big (and a bit sexist) family who favour men over women. I'm kind of glad that I had boys for this reason.
I would love the chance to raise an empowered female in this family.
Bil and his partner are expecting soon and just found out its a girl. They openly preferred a boy, so I'm wondering how that will play out in a family who favours boys.
(btw I'm not raising my boys in the same mold! Strong female leader right here!).
I guess my job is to raise sons who are respectful and feminist aware iykwim.

I was over the moon to have a dd and, from her first breath, loved her more than I imagined was possible.

When I found out next child was a boy, I was quite devastated. So was dh, so was dd.

I talked to dd about the little boy needing a family to love him and through my words, opened the door to letting him into my heart.

When he was born, dh was very unhappy, withdrew completely.

I had no feelings of love for ds but was so frantic that he must never know this, that I held him continually for the first year of his life, smothered him with kisses etc.

Somewhere along the line the bond was forged and I have to say, he is the apple of my eye. Well, along with his beautiful sister.

It has changed how I see the world. I never used to notice little boys but now I see them everywhere and they are just the most adorable little beings imaginable.

As for when they grow up, who knows. I hope I can raise them to feel adored, confident and capable of good relationships.

No I don't love ds more than dd - I adore them both equally......however I am aware that in general adult sons tend to love them mums in the abstract, rather than phone them / see them frequently whereas daughters tend to be more physically present in their mother's life. Also how much you see of your adult son tends to depend upon the MIL - DIL relationship. So there is a poignancy to the love I have for ds because I doubt he will be the constant in my life that I know my dd will be

i always thought it was more common to want girls these days. When I had my dd after 2 boys, i was treated a bit as though id joined some "in" club by people who had daughters, and told there was something special about a daughter and how wonderful it was and how i must be delighted to have finally got a girl. Pissed me off tbh, like my boys were some sort of booby prize.
Truthfully it is quite nice to have both sexes, and i think im probably a bit closer to my dd emotionally than to my sons, but i think its just a different relationship because my boys have ASD and my girl doesnt.

I think how close you are to a child is more down to their personality than their sex, and if its to do with their sex, then thats pretty fucked up

Mil constantly tells us how she wishes dh (her ds2) had been a girl. When her favourite dil (ie not me) was pregnant with dc1 she went and bought loads of pink clothes - they had a boy. We already had a boy incidentally. I then had a girl and much comment was made.

All very odd. My relationship with ds and dd are totally different but not because of gender and I love and adore them both the same. Ds is more cuddly, more innocent and has a much sweeter nature than dd who is only 18m but is a determined little firecracker who takes no shit from anyone. I totally respect her in a way i dont with ds (thought do respect him obv) - its v hard to explain, whereas i feel like ds is my wee soulmate, like ive always known him. They are both my world and always will be, id die for them, id do anything for them, and i every night i tell them BOTH 'i love you forever, i like you for always, as long as im living my baby you'll be'.

I think that as people now have smaller families gender has become a much bigger issue. 100 years ago you would most likely keep on having children throughout your fertile years and so would have ended up with children of both sexes. Although in the past boys were favoured I now think that it seems to be girls who are more popular as when people who already have a girl get pregnant again no one seems to mind that much what the gender of the next baby is but when they have a boy they are often asked if they are hoping for a girl etc. I have one of each and lots of people say oh you don't need a third as you have one of each - as though it is expected that you would only keep trying if you wanted a different gender.

As mother to a DS and someone who has a terrible relationship (or lack of) with my MIL I have also often wondered if the idea that a son is only yours until he "takes a wife" is a self fulfiling prophesy. My MIL felt like this so instead of welcoming me to the family she tried to push me out and compete with me for her sons affections - this upset both me and her son and consequently we don't really see very much of her now so ironically her fear has come true. Obviously this is just my experience but I wonder if it is generally true.

I hope that with my son I can welcome his wife and think of it as gaining a daughter rather than loosing a son! In fact more than anything I want my son to be happy and cared for with a loving partner (male or female!).

Im only child and have so many memories of my paternal granny and my mums friends saying how they wish they had girls and how lucky my mum was.

I had DD1 first and I did have people say its special to have a daughter which didn't happen when DS was born. When pregnant with DS i didn't find out the sex but I did hope for a boy simply because I already had a girl.

I do love all my children equally but my DDs have said they think DS is my favourite and I've explained to them this is not the case. I'm yet to admit to them I know I treat them differently because I don't think they will understand until they're older. I feel that life is tougher for them as women and so I push them harder than I do DS, but also DH treats spoils the DDs more than Ds so it balances out.

I just hope they don't feel I favour him over them in a serious way, once they both get older I'm sure it will be something we discuss, but I do wonder if thats what gives the impression of mother loving sons more. That they push their daughters harder- to not make the same mistakes they did which obviously their Ds's can't do.

My feelings for ds will always be coloured by the fact he is the child I thought I would never have. For that reason he will always have a very very special place in my heart. But dd stages a fight back by being a million times easier than he ever was. It's not a gender thing.

I have four daughters and four sons and have different relationships with each based purely on their personalities - and possibly their situations and needs at different stages of their life (the eldest is 21).

Never, ever has gender been an issue in even the smallest of ways.

I only have two boys, so my opinion is limited. When I found out I was pregnant with ds1, I was sure I wanted a boy straight away. He was a surprise and I didn't find out i was having him until I was due for my anomaly scan, so I only had to wait a week to find out that he was definatly a boy. I don't know how I would have felt had he been a girl, but I think, and hope, I would have loved a girl as much as I live my boy.

With ds2 I didn't think I woudo mind wether I had a boy or a girl, but I was delighted he was a boy. I'm fairly certain that I would have been just as delighted with a girl, whereas I would have felt a little dissapointed the first time round.

I don't really understand the thing many posters have said about wanting a girl to be a friend for life. I wouldn't want any child of mine to be a friend for life, I want to enjoy things with them in an adult way in the future of course, and be friendly with them, but I have my friends to be friends with and i want them to have friends to be friends with too. I want my children to know they have a parent in me, and that relationship is valuable in itself. It seems strange to me to want a child to become more of a friend than a son or daughter. I have a great relationship with my own Mum, I love her to bits. But she is my Mum, not my friend, and we both like it that way.

I was definitely the favoured child of both my parents - my brother would, sadly, agree with this...

Also, both my grandmothers and my mother clearly think that men are a bit crap (with good cause considering the ones they chose to marry). If I am honest, I also feel much the same way. When I was unexpectedly pregnant at 41 (having said I'd never have children) I desperately wanted a girl. I knew it would end up just being the two of us (and it is) and I didn't really know what I'd do with a boy.

Having had my lovely girl, I know that it wouldn't have made a bit of different if she'd been a boy. The intensity of my love isn't about her gender but about who she is. It's a separate thing altogether.

I have a son only, and adore him, I never had a preference whilst pregnant.

I find the automatic assumption that you 'lose' your son to his wife odd. I knew when I married DH that he was very close to his parents and one of the reasons I was right for him was because I liked the relationship they had, and respected that his parents held equal status with mine.
Tbh, if our DS grows up to value DH and I in the same way, I'll feel like I've done a grand job of bringing him up.

I have 2 boys (14 and 9yrs), and a girl (14 months).

I love and like them equally.

My boys are very different people, but both loving and caring towards us and their little sister.

Yes, we have rows, and various challenges that they bring us, which are sometimes difficult to overcome, but that NEVER changes our love for them.

I am just as fiercely protective of my 14 and 9yr olds as I am of my baby. The same instincts are there for all three, and always will be.

I will say, though, that dd has completed our family nicely. I think I would have felt the same if we had 2 girls and then a boy. I always wondered what a Daughter of ours would look/be like. I felt 'left out' of conversations when I was with mums of little girls. It was like a club I didn't belong to!

I love the relationship I have with my boys, and I love my little girl, and look forward to the relationship we will have as she grows.

I hope in the future I will be equally close to all three of my children, reguardless of their gender.

I have 2 daughters (9 and 4) and I suspect that I would have been like Zukiecat - I don't think I could have loved a boy.

Maybe if I'd planned on or wanted children it would have been different but I never did. 9 year old was a shock pregnancy in my 2nd year at uni and 4 year old was a result of a rape. With the younger one in particular, I was terrified of having a boy. I love my girls because I can treat them as mini mes I think, and they love all the same things as I do. I couldn't go and watch their rugby matches and play guns with them. I have no partner and I feel that boys need that.

I think whichever sex of child you have first is special to you as you love them so much. If you then have another of the same you won't be disappointed.

I have one of each and love them both dearly, equally but differently.

I do notice though, just as you've all said now they are older and away from home, DS gets in touch here and there whereas DD is in touch all the time

I suppose it's not surprising on a thread about gender to see so many stereotypes being bandied about, but really I think it is incredibly important to see our children as individuals in their own right. I don't think it's very healthy to think of daughters as mini mes, or potential shopping companions/best friends, or our sons as alien others.

I find it fascinating to watch family traits emerge in my children, but I want them above all to be happy being themselves. I hope that they will both live interesting, worthwhile, independent and above all happy lives. I don't expect either of them to feel they need to be close at hand, and I would be very worried if either of them thought they should love me more than their future partners.

I have 2 girls and a boy, my boy is my middle child, I do love him and bonded to him very quickly as a baby however I also bonded in the same way with my baby so think it was just pnd that caused me to struggle with dd1. I do love my son but he does confuse me, so airy fairy and yet stubborn too, I think this is personality rather than sex. He is the most thoughtful towards me of the 2 older ones but again I'd say this is personality rather than sex.

An acquaintance of mine desperately wants a 3rd baby but has made no bones about the fact that she doesn't want a boy, this puzzles me so much, surely if you feel so strongly you shouldn't have a 3rd as there is a pretty good chance you may end up with a boy?

I have five brothers, and they were definitely all more important than me in my mother's eyes. I was always served last at table. When I pointed it out to my DB, he was and at the next meal said so to her. Denial. Oh, and I was always given a gigantic serving spoon to eat with, never a soup/dessert spoon. Every fecking time.

When I was expecting DD I so wanted a girl so she could have the advantages of the firstborn child, like my "golden child" eldest brother.

I can't say if I've had a boy I would have felt OK about it, after all, I didn't have a boy. The claims from posters who say they would have loved the child of the "wrong" sex just as much amaze me. How can you know if you haven't experienced it? You can only hope you would, as I hope and trust I would have loved a boy child.

Good to hear so many say they love all their children equally, but would their children say that? My mum was convinced she loved us all equally, but did she treat us all equally?

'Good to hear so many say they love all their children equally, but would their children say that? My mum was convinced she loved us all equally, but did she treat us all equally?'

My parents give us exactly the same even as adults, if she gave my db 20 quid she will ring up and drop one round to me. This goes for everything she gives/does for us down to the last penny, meal, attention etc. I think that is the normal way to do things or one would feel left out

Whereas my parents help my sister out financially and not me, yet I know absolutely that they love me every bit as much. You don't have to treat your children the same to love them the same, and for them to feel equally loved.

Big fat hairy ones......I love them all the same - 1ds and 2dds.