To wonder if mothers love their sons more than their daughters?

[wildswans]

I have 3 x DDs, love them with all my heart. If I'm honest by the time we came to DC3 I would have been happy for a DS, but loved DD3 from the moment she was born. DH never been bothered about sex of DCs and I feel very blessed.

However, last weekend - Mothers' Day, the Sunday Times ran an article about how mothers would always love their sons (the implication being that they might love them more than their DDs) and my MIL often goes on about how mothers are closest to their sons (although actually she sees most of her DD who does far more for her). I also have contemporaries who seem to feel the same as MIL and others who are desperate for a DD, to the extent where a DS is almost seen as a disappointment.

Is this true? I can't imagine that I could love a DS any more than my DDs (although I'm sure that I wouldn't love him any less). But is it different? and do you really feel jealous when he finds a girlfriend or feel threatened or usurped in his affections?

I am not asking whether DS or DD is 'better' as that topic has been well ventilated, but just wondering whether you feel differently and/or react differently to them.

I have two children, I love them both with equal depth. Always have, always will.

more to do with personality than gender

I don't believe that parents love all children exactly equally.

Some might shoot me down now because I only have one (thus invalidating my observations of any other families )

but my mother was her mother's favourite
My father was his father's favourite and his mother's LEAST favourite
My MIL has a clear favourite out of her four children
One of my school friends was the least favourite and had quite a different upbringing to her two siblings
Another school friend was her father's favourite but not her mother's
Another friend: the mother's favourite is the youngest and the father's favourite is the eldest of 2 DDs
My child minder's youngest was clearly her favourite
The kids I babysat: the youngest (Daughter) was the favourite over the son

None of the above are unkind, non of the above don't love all their children, they are all happy loving families

but I think a lot of parent's DO have favourites
whether on average mums favour sons and father's daughters? I don't know but I think it's very likely.

Yes, I think in my experience it is true (not for me) but as a therapist. Every single family I see the girls are less valued by their mothers and crucially they can't get away with the things the boys do, the expectation of 'good' behaviour is much higher.

In the families I see the mothers seem to view it as a personal failure if their daughter is not 'perfect' and they're much harder on them. They completely over identify with them.

I think the majority of my work now is seeing young girls/teenagers with low self esteem because they are not loved and valued as much as their brothers.

'I don't believe that parents love all children exactly equally.'

I do, and my children are very different people. I'm sorry that the anecdotal evidence you have doesn't back it up, but I do love them both more beyond reason and measure. Doesn't mean that I don't get cross, or disappointed or prefer to do different activities with one rather than the other, or be proud of them for different reasons
But on a scale of 1-100, they are both 100. I have no actual data to prove this, you will just have to add me to your anecdote collection.

Oh, and we've never had therapy.

Sorry dustin, that was meant to say ALL parents

I think with most there is a preference
there are a few about where it really does seem just one big ball of love - but they're usually not the ones who bang on about loving all their children equally all the time, and they are not a vast majority, if a majority at all
(course who knows behind closed door)

The parent party line is "love them equally". I'm not saying its NEVER true (yes sorry I did leave out "all" in my first quote so it does look like that), but I think its very very often not the case. I know very few who would admit it though with some refreshing exceptions

I agree with dustin the ones that do seem to have a preference seem to have had a dysfunctional upbringing or dysfunctional relationships in general ime. I dont think most average parents have a preference.

I have had friends who have told me when TTC that they do secretly want a particular gender. If after getting pregnant it has been the other gender they have all declared that they don't care what gender the baby is. This may be true with some of them, but I am sceptical that that has been the case with every single one.

I have 2 boys. I always wanted boys and have no desire at all for a girl. Don't know why, I just don't. If we were to have any more children, then I would hope for another boy.

Both my grandmothers preferred boys and made no secret of it. My paternal grandmother had 4 boys and 4 girls and idolised her boys and alienated her girls. She died a lonely death with her daughters all living far away and her sons uninterested because she didn't like her DIL's.
My generation seem to prefer girls. I prefer girls and honestly can't help feeling a little sorry for all boy mums. When I hear someone I know has had a boy I can't help think its a shame.
I know the origins of my gender preference are my family experience. All the men are weak with addictive personalities. The women are strong, clever and interesting. I adore the women in my family.
I do recognise objectively that men are just as likely to be as fantastic as women, but I don't really know any good ones.
I'm sure it equals out, some people prefer boys, some girls, some equal.
You just hope the children who are the 'wrong' gender don't know they are. I still think every day how I hope my DS doesn't feel 'different' to his sisters.

I have a DS and am pg with DS2. I think it would have been nice to have a DD as our family is very 'boy heavy' and now I know I may never get the experience to parent a girl.

To those who say that they pity mothers of only boys though, I'd say this... Don't dare pity me. I had cancer and nearly bloody lost my fertility altogether, not to mention my life. I have one beautiful healthy DS who has conceived via IVF and another on the way. There is nothing to pity in that, and everything to celebrate and be happy about.

Very interesting thread.

I have posted many times on MN about how I felt on finding out DD was a girl; I was utterly, utterly devastated. Now I love her more than I thought possible.

I am now pg with no.2, and it took me a really long time before I could 'risk' having another girl; and it turns out I am. I have worked very hard to get to a place where I am happy to be having another girl, and I am almost there, but I have to admit that the Sunday Times article stirred up a bit of sadness for me that I will probably never have a son.

Mind you, at the moment I just can't imagine loving two children, and I think the fact that the baby is another girl is compounding this.

I was the "wrong" gender but didn't feel at all unloved, I felt adored!

but I know my mother prefers boys in general and wanted boys, but I completely understand why - she raised her little brother and as a young girl would look at him and imagine having her own one day - she had a picture of motherhood which was never realised!

She told me how glad she was that I had a boy saying that "boys may wreck your house but girls wreck your head" - I kinda agree! I feel a bit sorry for girl mums (at the same time knowing that many of them are feeling pity for us smug boy mums right back )

I do however kinda think that if my mother had had a boy ASWELL she might have been disappointed in him - she had idolised this baby boy she always assumed she'ld have! what if having a boy wasn't what she had always imagined having a boy would be? I on the other hand was free to blaze my own trail - I had nothing to measure up to, which was nice!

I think the key to all of this is: are you the sort of person who can maintain relationships no matter what?

You might think your DIl has some peculiar ideas ... but you dont voice that opinion. You might think your son hasa poor choice of wife - but hey! she makes him happy... You might think your daughter has chosen poorly with her choice of husband - just make sure you are there to pick up the pieces... you might think your SonIL neglects your daughter and works like a trojan - just be grateful he loves his family enough and wants to provide for them.

A MIL (or indeed a mum) should be a wise councellor - not an opinionated old battle axe living her live through her children.

I think mothers (and fathers) who over value one sex and under value the other (whichever round) are responsible for so much dysfunction. Do they not realise the damage they may do to the next generation?

How is it possible to love a son more than a daughter or vice versa just on account of their sex. Complete insanity.

I always say to DH that I never knew true love until I had DD..... He gives me on his and DS's behalf.

I love both DH and DS passionately but the feelings I have for my DD just totally and utterly overwhelm me. Which is ironic as I never wanted a daughter as I don't get on with my mother and feared the mother/daughter relationship. The first 2 days after she was born were very hard. Then I the 3rd day I just fell in love with her. I'd rather be with her than anyone else on this earth.

He gives me hmm on his and DS's behalf.

I'm not surprised.

I agree with the OP, I am one of three girls but I know my mother's friends ahve confided to her that they prefer their sons. Several claimed they found it harder to stop feeding their sons than their daughters. Weird.

However, I do find a lot of assertations here a little odd. The MIL stuff is wierd too. I am sure plenty of women have a problem with thier own parents or FIL?

Several claimed they found it harder to stop feeding their sons than their daughters. Weird.

Not wanting to get into that whole BF shite about who is right/wrong - hell on earth would induced me to act like some bovine with tit on tap - but hey ho - the field is open ROFL

I think sometimes people look to others as if they have a greater preference than they actually do.

Once upon a time I didn't really care what sex, and imagined cute little boys and girls, being pushed on swings. Then I saw school photos of my husband, and I wanted a little boy like that. (He was very cute.) Then we went through baby name books, and we decided on the girl names first. Then I kept thinking of girls more than boys, because that was what I had names for. It really was a name thing.

My husband did the same. Husband went around telling people we wanted a girl. I didn't really contradict him.

I have two boys, and the moment I saw them on the scan, I knew I didn't care what sex they were, so long as I could have them. I know my husband thinks they're perfect, too.

But I expect lots of people feel sorry for the boys, after what he said pre-scan.