To wonder if mothers love their sons more than their daughters?

[wildswans]

I have 3 x DDs, love them with all my heart. If I'm honest by the time we came to DC3 I would have been happy for a DS, but loved DD3 from the moment she was born. DH never been bothered about sex of DCs and I feel very blessed.

However, last weekend - Mothers' Day, the Sunday Times ran an article about how mothers would always love their sons (the implication being that they might love them more than their DDs) and my MIL often goes on about how mothers are closest to their sons (although actually she sees most of her DD who does far more for her). I also have contemporaries who seem to feel the same as MIL and others who are desperate for a DD, to the extent where a DS is almost seen as a disappointment.

Is this true? I can't imagine that I could love a DS any more than my DDs (although I'm sure that I wouldn't love him any less). But is it different? and do you really feel jealous when he finds a girlfriend or feel threatened or usurped in his affections?

I am not asking whether DS or DD is 'better' as that topic has been well ventilated, but just wondering whether you feel differently and/or react differently to them.

I think there is something in it superficially, from what I see in everyday life boys are more 'mummy's boys' and girls are more 'daddy's girl

My very humble opinion is that (MAYBE) mums mollycoddle boys a bit more in the same way that dads will encourage boys to play 'rough', etc (yes I know it's all social conditioning bla dee bla)
And in turn mums are a bit more like that with girls.

Sorry I can't write a clear argument my 2 year old is repeating 'where is this or that' over and over! (time to get offline I think!!)

My dd1 was never very affectionate, very independent little baby and I used to think if she was a boy I'd get more cuddles. Then I dd2 who is all about cuddles and realised it was just her personality.

I thought I wanted a boy but when I got my first girl I was super happy to get another girl.

Zukie you have of course beaten yourself up about this issue more than anyone could ever try to make you feel bad! You can't, ever, control your emotions and it's not your fault. It must stem from other anxiety issues.
But I'd like to say that you are an amazing woman for raising 3 healthy, happy children, you've managed to give your son everything he needed, I bet you've been a better mother to him than you feel, and you've had to do all that while suppressing and hiding your more visceral instincts.
You might not realise it, but that is a big sign of unconditional love. You have made a sacrifice for you child, fighting against yourself all these years, keeping him warm and safe.
I am sure there are mothers who for whatever reason have been abusive etc for lesser reasons than that.

I myself went through a short patch of resenting DD2 so much just for being here, forget gender. I look back now and feel so relieved that phase is over. Having to pretend to people I loved every minute of being with such a cute little child. I was so horrible to her sometimes it makes me cry. This is the first time I've admitted to it, rl or mumsnet. I only feel like I can admit it because I suddenly feel a bond with her. But she is 2 now, and it took a long time.

"My son's my son 'til he takes him a wife, my daughter's my daughter the rest of her life."

I hate that saying-I also think it rubbish. (unless you can't get on with DIL)

I think it's quite refreshing on this thread that gender preference is probably 50% girl/boy.
Going back a few generations most people wanted boys.
Two of my male patients having a conversation. Both in their 80's.
" did you have any children?"
" yes three children - and two split-arses"
" I had five children, no split-arses thank God"
On questioning the word 'children' actually meant 'sons' to them. That conversation has rung in my ears for years since then. What a revolting term - split arses .

In my family the second born DS was favoured much more than me, apparently I was independent whilst he was slower and needed my mother more. My mother has done weird jealously thing going on with me and has resented everything I have done.

Her preference for boys (she once told me you are not a real woman until you have a son!) continued into her grandchildren, DD1 she was excited about first grandchild, DD2 never bothered with (well you can have another) and by the time DD3 came along she had lost all interest, it was due to this and other factors I decided not to have anymore contact with her. Ironically I had the hallowed DS after this, she has never seen him.

My brother recently had a DS so she know has a grandson to dote on, I leave them to it.

For myself when pregnant with DS we thought he was a DD and I was disappointed as I wanted 4 girls but now he's here he's just wonderful, I don't live him any differently to the girls but he loves me differently he's do loving and clingy.

I KNOW my mother preferred me. She sent my brother back to the adoption society.

And then she said that she'd chosen a girl so that we could be friends for ever. (She had a lot of stupid gender-based expectations which I "deliberately" failed to fulfill.)

After she sent my brother back, my father left too.

And then one Saturday while I was working she sold my puppy.

Needless to say, we are not friends.

I have a DS and one on the way, gender a surprise.

I love DS passionately, I had for some reason been expecting to be the mother of daughters so the strength of my feelings for him was a bit of a surprise.

I think, just from observing friends and relatives, that a mothers relationship with a daughter might be more complex than with a son because they compare themselves more, maybe project some of their own issues. But not that they love them less than their boys. It's just a different relationship.

This is true for my mum
There are 3 boys and 2 girls.
My mum has said to me that she never wanted girls and would have been more than happy to have all boys.

She also lets them get away with everything.
We're all in our 20s & 30s now & she still loves her boys more than my sister and myself.
She often stops talking to my sister & me for no real reason, sometimes for a few weeks, months or a year or so.
Infact she hasn't spoken to my sister for somethings she wrote on FB for nearly 2 years. She stopped talking to me in January ..... i have no idea why, seriously i don't. I texted her and emailed her, she didn't reply so i got the hint and left her alone.

My brothers however all have keys to the door (1 lives at home) but mine was taken as soon as i left. Between the 3 of them they have bought her major stress, the police to the door, have spoken to her like dirt etc etc.... but she has never stopped talking to any of them.
I've never raised my voice to my mum let alone speak to her the way my youngest brother does nor have i sworn at her.

I have been on the end of the phone listening to her cry because of the stress they've bought her, i've given her money when needed, bought her presents, given her things i've won (quite big prizes like a 40in tv etc)..... yet she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
She thinks its ok to email my oldest son and tell him she misses him etc etc.

No matter what i do in life, it will never ever be good enough for my mum. She often puts me down about my weight and the fact i've had depression and haven't worked for years.

I have 4 boys, 2 girls (1 in heaven) and i love them all..... they are all different and have their own little quirks that melt my heart. I could never treat any of my kids the way my mum has treated her daughters.

It makes me feel a bit sad that I am pitied for having a boy. I feel this attitude very much and actually was too embarrassed of having a DS to go out much when he was first born.
People are very dismissive of baby boys. Mil on arriving at hospital said 'and are you terribly disappointed he wasn't a girl?'
People asked almost immediately if I would try again for a girl. I do not believe my friends with girls were asked immediately if they would try again for a boy. It was like I'd somehow won second prize.

Beth I am shocked by your experience, I never experienced that with my ds. I did notice though that I got v few compliments out and about for him compared with my dd who everyone fawned over. Didn't bother me at all, just interesting how mushy people are about girls.

I suppose it bothers me because I already wasn't thrilled about having a boy. If I'd had a dd and then a DS it might have been better. I was always very aware of how differently my friend's dd was treated compared to my son at the same age. He was basically ignores. It shouldn't bother me but it does.

Of course it would bother you and I'm shocked people around you were so rude and tactless. Though I don't know why because so many people are stupid really, aren't they...

I'm so sorry you had that experience.

kicking: "I think, just from observing friends and relatives, that a mothers relationship with a daughter might be more complex than with a son because they compare themselves more, maybe project some of their own issues. But not that they love them less than their boys. It's just a different relationship."

I would agree with that. I have a dd 8 and then a ds 5. Their personalities are quite stereotypical for their gender. I love my dd, she is my first born, she had health problems at birth. But she is more difficult for me to relate to because she is complex and less transparent that ds. I often don't know how best to comfort her and sometimes don't even have the internal resources to deal with it. Then again, I find it easier to be in men's company than women's. I think dh is better at this.

Ds is so easy to read, both in terms of tantrums and his overt affection and possessiveness. He is confident and clever (I say that without boasting, but just as an observation born of working amongst very clever people).

You might say that is just a function of personality. But there is an added element to the relationship that is gender-based. My relationship with ds has an element of intensity that I find sometimes approaches that of a love affair. If my dd had the same personality as ds, I don't think that element will be there.

I am aware that there is every chance I will lose my ds eventually to his girlfriend/wife. I am fine with that. I will always be the template.

I will protect dd even when she is grown in a way I would not protect ds because of what she is.

I have two DSs and a DD, I love all three the same, and on heart, I really do.

That's not to sayvthat my pub doesn't rub me up the wrong way and drive me crazy, and that DS2 isn't much easier, he is but I still love them equally.

I personally think that daughters are favored much more, when pregnant with DD after two DSs people reacted like I had won the lottery and it pissed me off because I love my sons with a passion, I also love my daughter more than words can say and as for losing them to a wife, I'd like to think that I will be too busy zipping around in my sports car and lying on a beach with a glass of sangria in hand during my old age rather than obsessing about my grown up children, I hope they are off living happy and fulfilled lives of their own and I will be there for them should they want me, and DH of course.

Jesus, I pad predictive text fail on my last post, I do have a 15 mo crawling all over me.

Preposterous and very very sad if it is real. I have one f each and love them both equally and dearly. Why would your love be based on gender? How odd!

I don't know if my MIL loves her 3 sons more than her daughters and I'm sure she would deny that but she certainly looks after her 2 adult sons and spoils them in a way she doesn't with her daughter or DH, who is the middle boy.

It may just be she favours the oldest and youngest child who happen to be both boys?
I don't know, she certainly would never clean her daughter's house but she does her sons....

Also, my mum's friend treated her son dreadfully (her only child) and spoilt me rotten. Later we discovered she had miscarried a girl and never got over it so it can work both ways I suppose

i understand having a preference during pregnancy because of preconceived gender expectations, but to actually not love your own son for 18 years because he happened to have been born male is incredibly sad and im really struggling to understand it

I struggle to understand anyone having a preference because that is conditional love as in 'I love you more because ......you are male, have my sense of humour, are easier to get on with, are cleverer etc etc'
I thought love for DCs was unconditional.

I never wanted a daughter, always sons.

I have two boys and think we are stopping here but if I'd had daughters I would have loved them exactly the same.

I worried when pregnant with ds2 that I couldn't love him as much as I did ds1 but I do. Love just grows, you don't have to divide it up.

i never had any preference over the sex of my babies when pregnant, i got lots of 'you must want a girl' etc and i can honestly say no i didnt, infact having a girl was a bit of a shock, not in a bad way, she is lovely, but i had just assumed i would have a 5th boy and that was fine by me. as it is there is no difference (so far anyway she is 15mths) other than nappy changes which took a bit of getting used to, more creases to get poo out of! but i agree with mcfluffster your love simply grows with each child, i didnt have to divide it up, i love them all with all my heard and couldnt imagine life without any of them. they are all different, with very different personalities and i see them as individuals regardless of their gender.

that should be hearT not heard!

I have one of each & my son is much easier to get on with.

He is "naturally" lazier though & would happily still let me do everything for him.

Daughter automatically started to do stuff for herself at a younger age.

So I can´t help thinking that it´s not love, but the feeling of being needed for longer by their sons tbh.