To wonder if mothers love their sons more than their daughters?

[wildswans]

I have 3 x DDs, love them with all my heart. If I'm honest by the time we came to DC3 I would have been happy for a DS, but loved DD3 from the moment she was born. DH never been bothered about sex of DCs and I feel very blessed.

However, last weekend - Mothers' Day, the Sunday Times ran an article about how mothers would always love their sons (the implication being that they might love them more than their DDs) and my MIL often goes on about how mothers are closest to their sons (although actually she sees most of her DD who does far more for her). I also have contemporaries who seem to feel the same as MIL and others who are desperate for a DD, to the extent where a DS is almost seen as a disappointment.

Is this true? I can't imagine that I could love a DS any more than my DDs (although I'm sure that I wouldn't love him any less). But is it different? and do you really feel jealous when he finds a girlfriend or feel threatened or usurped in his affections?

I am not asking whether DS or DD is 'better' as that topic has been well ventilated, but just wondering whether you feel differently and/or react differently to them.

Trois

^I think the key to all of this is: are you the sort of person who can maintain relationships no matter what?

You might think your DIl has some peculiar ideas ... but you dont voice that opinion. You might think your son hasa poor choice of wife - but hey! she makes him happy... You might think your daughter has chosen poorly with her choice of husband - just make sure you are there to pick up the pieces... you might think your SonIL neglects your daughter and works like a trojan - just be grateful he loves his family enough and wants to provide for them.

A MIL (or indeed a mum) should be a wise councellor - not an opinionated old battle axe living her live through her children.^

one of the best posts i have ever seen on this forum, this is exactly the kind of mother/MIL i plan on being, i think if this is how you are then you'll always have a great relationship with your adult children and son/daughter in laws. (unless of course your son/daughter was being abused - then i would most certainly be stepping in)

some of the posts on this thread have shocked me, i can completely understand people prefering one sex over another, but how people can say they wouldn't love the "wrong sex" child is beyond me. i got the sex i wanted first time around, but i know had i not then i would still love that child, i would have carried that baby, given birth and it would be mine - forever. even when they grow up and marry and have children of their own, they are still your child. and if you've brought them up in a close, loving, caring environment they will always think the world of you and you will always be a massive part of their life. sure, you may not "come first" anymore, and you shouldn't, that's not how nature works. your kids and husband/wife come first, then when your kids grow up their husband/wife comes first to them, that's just how it works. if people can't get their head around that then problems will be caused, let nature do it work and get on with it.

Exotic: "I struggle to understand anyone having a preference because that is conditional love as in 'I love you more because ......you are male, have my sense of humour, are easier to get on with, are cleverer etc etc'
I thought love for DCs was unconditional."

You are overreacting. It is possible to be honest and admit that you get along better with or even prefer one child without that love being conditional for either child. It is called self-awareness and by being self-aware of your preference, you can compensate to ensure that the less preferred child does not feel the vibe.

Far worse to pretend you like both equally (denial) and then not tackle favouritism.

All part of the mumsnet service, Zukie

Zukiecat You sound a lovely woman and mum. Your children sound lovely.

When I read your posts on this thread, I cant help thinking of you as the little girl growing up next to a brother adored by his mum. I would imagine this could have clouded your feelings against your own brother? And now you are the mother of a boy who is the brother of two much loved girls. Some complex issues here. It is good that you are so mindful of the issues, and by the sounds of it, he does not suffer in the way you did. Hopefully you feel you can raise it with a counsellor and get some input.

Thank you to everyone for your replies, which reassures me that the vast majority of mums love their children unconditionally although, for various reasons, you might find it harder to bond with one child as quickly as another -but this is mainly due to personality.

There is the occasional weird post from one mother who is 'in love' with her son, but a mother's job is to teach her children whatever sex to become independent - the old cliche, if you love a thing or person, you have to let it go - if it was yours it will come back, if it doesn't it never was yours to start with. Not that we ever 'own' our children - they are a precious gift IMHO.

I am sensing that a generation ago boys were more popular ie that you were more successful (or considered so by society) if you produced a boy, but now the fashion is to have a girl. Of course, it's all absurd! We are lucky whatever we have.

Zukiecat - I know that you are a fantastic mum and that you really do love your son.

Hi

I see my DH favours his first born (girl) simply because she provided the love he wasnt getting from his frosty ex. I see his ex clearly favours their son (third born) as he was born after two girls (and she was also one of three girls) and there were no boys in the family at all.

I find the whole thing very hard to observe and to deal with as the middle one (my DSD2 aged 14) is constantly left out of the love. She is thus, my special one as her SM. She has a stack of issues too..like me, the outsider..

I can't comment specifically about what I feel myself as I dont have my own children. I had a late miscarriage 21 years ago and then five after that. A baby that lived and was healthy would have been lovely and more than I could have dreamed of.

You are all very lucky, just love your kids.

Don't be stupid OP.

birthdaygurl - how am I being stupid?

zukie your last post i really feel for you, i think it's obvious that your feeling towards your own son are because of how you were treated growing up, and even though your feelings are different towards your son than your daughters you sound like you are doing a fantastic job, you are doing what every mother should do, you are trying your best and it sounds more than good enough to me.

When a colleague was pregnant, she was ridiculously happy she was having a boy and expressed near - not disgust, but something close - at the prospect of the alternative. She said - oh but boys will always love their mothers. I hated hearing her say that. It really creeped me out, in a bad way.

Because, well, my brother has caused no end of grief for my mother, but not my father. He expresses a near pathological hatred for her - and it is truly inexplicable. When my parents amicably split, and they both remarried - my brother thanked my step mother for making my dad happy, and cursed my mother for daring to find happiness with another man. If I were to think deeply about it, it's almost, kind of Oedipal. Mostly, he just has many problems and it's just sad, bewildering and hurtful. My mum can't understand how our parents raised two children in the same way and one of them hates her so much. So to hear this colleague say this ridiculous statement shows the blatant flaws in such generalisations.

I'm pregnant with my first. Sometimes I imagine a boisterous little. Other times I imagine a shy little boy like my DH was. They're hardly ever in the image of myself - DH is mixed race so my very obvious physical traits (blonde hair) are likely to be absent anyway. I would be lying if I said I don't have a preference but it changes all the time. Either way I have faith that when he/she arrives, I will love them to the ends of the earth and be grateful for the individual I have.

taxiforme what a lovely post, your DSD is very lucky to have you. and you are right, everyone with a healthy child is lucky, regardless of sex.

I can't get past Zukie's post on page one.

Zukie it's brave of you to be so honest and I know you cannot help the way you feel, but quite frankly if you knew you would feel devastated at having a boy baby before you had him (and you intimated that you did) then it was incredibly foolish, selfish and cruel of you to go ahead and have a third child when you always had a 50% chance of being lumbered with something so abhorrent to you - especially when you were already blessed with two daughters. Ever heard the phrase 'quit while you're ahead'?

I find it hard not to feel quite disgusted TBH. You sound incredibly entitled and shallow.

I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that your devastation and subsequent lack of bonding/affection for him was not actually due to his gender at all, but due to some other complex issues such as PND. At least I hope that is what it was, as the alternative is unforgiveable.

Oh. I need to read the rest of the thread don't I?

Yes, you do!!!!

Pooor Zukie.

There would be many reasons, other than cultural why one gender may be preferred over another. We are still quite a masculine society - it doesnt matter how many laws and rights we put in place; largely a womans earning power peaks before she has children - then shes is still largely expected to conform to the norm of child rearing. Therefore boys will, subconciously, be seen as earners and able to look after themselves.Few women I know have managed to retain their professional status and earning power after having a family - Nicola Horlick is the only exception I can think of.

Then again I have read that a woman with daughter(s) knows her grandchildren are her own propagation of genetic material - with sons, you never know if the DIL played away from home therefore the subconcious thought is there that you may be expending energy and time in raising a cuckoo in the nest. I have also read that 1 in 4 children cannot possibly hope to genetically related to the man on their birth certificate either - and I don't think we have that many IVF babies created with donor sperm!

I don't know whether there is anything but a grain of truth in the above. I always say 10,000 years ago we were little more than animals and the trappings of civilisation are a very thin veneer.

But back to Zukie. I found my eldest son impossible, - we have polar views, personalities, opinions - it took me a long time to bond with him. Im sure if I went to a psychiatrist they would tell me I associate him with death (my mother died when I was 7 months pregnant, my FIL the day after he was born). I still find him impossible - he would undoubtedly tell you he is the least favourite child - well he certainly causes the most trouble. But he also has the lions share of time dedicated to him and he makes the tigeress in me come roaring out in his defence.

Sad to say I have a few friends who really Obviously favour their boys. One in particular made me feel cold every time I saw her. She had a toddler boy and baby twins one of which was a girl. She would never hold the girl, she would make negative comments about her look, how she fed. How different she was. She never smiled at her but cooed and cuddled her boys it was really obvious.

Another lady is I can only say obsessed with her 6 yo boy. His wellbeing, everything takes preference over her little girl. I never hear one thing about how her girl is doing she is ignored. All she says is oh Dd is so different not sensitive like Ds and then another monologue about him and how he's doing.

zukie You are not alone.

I sometimes wonder what I did/do that made my mother treat me that way she did/does. I know her mental health issues are part of it and the fact that my brother is by far her favourite really doesnt bother me at all if I am honest...he is now 35, unemployed (has never had a job for more than a year) and she is still feeding him, giving him money and worrying about him. Good luck to her, its not done her any good and I now keep my distance. She has actually started to notice I dont go to her house much anymore...dont think she is bothered though, after all my brother is always there!

I haven't read the article yet (busy week!) but I will tonight. I have sons and daughters, I love them equally but sometimes I like sons more than daughters and vv - it's very behaviour dependent!