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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if you're having a child-free wedding you should tell people ASAP?

163 replies

b00kw0rm · 23/03/2012 13:37

As title really- we've got good friends getting married in less than 3 months time, still haven't received an invite, but have now heard that "children cannot be accommodated" at the wedding.

We have 2 young DCs, all close family members going to the wedding too, so arranging childcare is not going to be easy. We've also had lots of chats with the happy couple over the past year about the wedding and they never mentioned anything about children....

So, AIBU to think that perhaps it would have been considerate to have mentioned it sooner?

OP posts:
springchickennugget · 23/03/2012 13:38

YANBU

emsyj · 23/03/2012 13:39

TBH I always assume all weddings are going to be child-free, and if they're not I arrange childcare anyway as I have experienced being in charge of a toddler at a wedding (my godson a few years ago, before we had DD) and it isn't fun IMO.

I think YABU really - my experience is that children are excluded more often than not, and 3 months before the wedding is still quite a long time isn't it? I think so anyway.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 23/03/2012 13:41

YABU. Three months is plenty of time to get sorted.

Groovee · 23/03/2012 13:42

I always presume it's child free unless they specifically say that my children are invited.

Ephiny · 23/03/2012 13:43

I wouldn't make any assumptions about who is or isn't invited until I received the invitation. But if you already knew they were getting married and you were going to be invited, maybe you could have asked them what they were planning about children?

I agree 3 months seems like plenty of time. We only got engaged about 3 months before our planned wedding date, so could hardly have let people know any sooner!

If you can't go for childcare reasons though, they'll have to accept that as one of the consequences of specifying 'child-free'

Oakmaiden · 23/03/2012 13:45

ASAP - yes, but really 3 months is plenty of time. I believe it is "the norm" to send out invitations about 6-8 weeks before the event, and I don't see why the couple would need to go around telling everyone that their wedding would be childfree before they have even sent the invitations.

From your thread title I thought they must have left you with only a few days to arrange childcare.

kitsmummy · 23/03/2012 13:46

YABU, no children may have been a last minute decision, and they've got no reason to let people know final details until the invites go out. If you can't make it due to childcare, then you can't make it.

Bucharest · 23/03/2012 13:49

I would assume my children weren't invited unless told differently.

And 3months is more than long enough to sort out something. I thought you were going to say the wedding was tomorrow.

Original poster
b00kw0rm · 23/03/2012 13:51

Eeek, OK so maybe BU- I did suspect as much but did come as a bit of a shock as when we've discussed the wedding venue we even said "oh, the DCs will really like that" and didn't get any sense that they wouldn't be welcome.

Also, seems like maybe child-free is more common than I'd assumed as most of the weddings we've been to have included kids... so seems like my expectations were wrong?

OP posts:
mummytime · 23/03/2012 14:01

YANBU if it involves travel. My kids have been invited to every wedding we have been to, but sometimes we've only been invited to the evening bit of local ones.
If it is local though 3 months is plenty of time, either ask for recommendations or use an agency. If its the other end of the country, then you need to think more carefully about how you are going to do it.

Ephiny · 23/03/2012 14:05

Ours will be child-free, it really didn't occur to me that it would be anything else. It depends completely on the couple really, best not to make any assumptions!

Proudnscary · 23/03/2012 14:06

YABU! Seriously you need more than three months to sort out childcare (or decide which one of you stays behind...or boycott the whole thing).

Proudnscary · 23/03/2012 14:07

Oops forgot question mark at the end

VeronicaSpeedwell · 23/03/2012 14:10

If they've already decided that then it would be helpful of them to tell you, but 3 months is ages. We were married within 3 months of getting engaged, so if we could plan a wedding, I'm sure you can either plan childcare or find your way to the conclusion that you can't go.

Sandalwood · 23/03/2012 14:11

ikwym
All we need/are waiting for is our instructions...venue, times etc so we can plan our travel, childcare etc
Then they arrive on gold edged handmade paper all professionally done.
'That's why it took so long'.

springchickennugget · 23/03/2012 14:16

tbf we have a wedding this summer and booked the hotel in Jan as it was filling up. If you had booked your children in already or found out you couldn't go at all that would be a massive ball ache.

Newmummytobe79 · 23/03/2012 17:25

I guess they feel like we did ... that it's dodgy ground. Luckily most of our friends couldn't wait for our child free wedding and said they wouldn't have brought them even if they were invited.

As soon as we get a wiff of a wedding we plan childcare Grin

I know some people love kids at weddings but I'm guessing most brides dread the thought of sticky fingers on the most expensive dress they've ever worn!

HopeForTheBest · 23/03/2012 17:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on request of its author.

Mrsjay · 23/03/2012 17:47

Yanbu I think they should tell people so they can organise babysitters ,

MeconiumHappens · 23/03/2012 20:15

Yabu. Three months is ages, surely you can sort it in that time? Unless its a long distance?
I imagine she did an inner cringe when you said "the dc wil like the venue" and hasnt known how to bring it up, its quite tricky to tell people the children arent invited particularly if someone has assumed they will be. See it as an opportunity to let your hair down?

attheendoftheday · 23/03/2012 20:21

YANBU. Three months before a wedding I'd have booked time off work, and I'd consider not going to a childfree wedding if I didn't have a family babysitter. It would therefore piss me off.

ENormaSnob · 23/03/2012 20:23

Yanbu, unless you have lots of childcare options it can be a nightmare.

On a different slant, I am having to put any requests for days off at work up to the 11th of July Shock

Hope no wedding invites come in the meantime.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/03/2012 20:28

YANBU

Surely people realise that childcare isn't straightforward, for a long day and evening for a wedding - especially if family who are your likely babysitters are going to be at the wedding as well.

Dadof22 · 23/03/2012 20:56

Bookworm, most of the weddings I have been to recently were not specifically no children but generally I think a lot of parents take the chance to go without their offspring and have a grown up day (read alcohol).
The simple fact is it is the couple's day and the guests need to conform to whatever they want. It's not the Bride and Groom's problem to take everyone else's need into account. If likely child minders are going to the wedding maybe you can arrange a shift system with them or other parents who attending.
How did you find out no children were invited? Is it official or just the rumor mill? If they are close friends maybe you should talk to them about it.

ragged · 23/03/2012 21:03

I always presume it's child free unless they specifically say that my children are invited.

Ditto. But... yanbu. It would have been considerate. However, people planning weddings often don't think clearly about guest needs. Hope you work out something satisfactory.

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