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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that if you're having a child-free wedding you should tell people ASAP?

163 replies

b00kw0rm · 23/03/2012 13:37

As title really- we've got good friends getting married in less than 3 months time, still haven't received an invite, but have now heard that "children cannot be accommodated" at the wedding.

We have 2 young DCs, all close family members going to the wedding too, so arranging childcare is not going to be easy. We've also had lots of chats with the happy couple over the past year about the wedding and they never mentioned anything about children....

So, AIBU to think that perhaps it would have been considerate to have mentioned it sooner?

OP posts:

EdlessAllenPoe · 23/03/2012 21:10

i think there is a certain rudeness about child-free weddings, in that when it covers family - the parents you invite will have the people that usually babysit for them at that wedding too!

people with small babies may simply not be able to leave them even if they can get a babysitter -

It is like saying 'Fine, you can come, but i don't really care if you can't make it'

although of course, if that's the message you want to send out at your wedding, that's up to you and no-one should tell you you can't do it.

babies are a pain at weddings though: but to their parents most of all.

Tregony · 23/03/2012 22:09

YABU three months is plenty of time.

exoticfruits · 23/03/2012 22:20

I wouldn't worry. Just politely decline if they don't invite DCs.

Spuddybean · 23/03/2012 22:24

i think yabu as others have said 3 months is ample time. I wouldn't expect to know or assume any details about a wedding till the invites went out.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 23/03/2012 22:32

*I don't think I have ever been to an wedding where children were not invited, and this is in a long time of attending weddings (starting off as a child!).

Is this the norm now?*

It's not a new thing, no - I got married 19 years ago and we didn't have children.

OP why do you need to wait for the invitation when you already know childen aren't invited?

purpleroses · 23/03/2012 22:39

3 months seems long enough to me to sort childcare, but I would think it rather sad though personally if people don't include children - whatever the notice they give you. My kids went to my cousin's wedding recently and although they got bored at times, I thought it was a really important thing to share with them - brought about lots of questions about why they were getting married, what marriage was about, etc. Children are part of life, and imo ought to be included in these sorts of things as much as possible. What an un-child-friendly society we live in if they can't go to weddings :(

WorraLiberty · 23/03/2012 22:42

There are plenty of ways to be friendly towards other people's kids than inviting them to your wedding.

Weddings are expensive and every seat/meal counts.

There are so very many kids in my family that if I got married tomorrow, more than half the guest list would be taken up with them.

I'd be better off getting married in a soft play area!

Mind you, if I got married tomorrow my DH might have something to say about it...but I'm sure you catch my drift

southeastastra · 23/03/2012 22:45

how sad that weddings are now expected to be child free!

weddings in our family are a great excuse for everyone to get together all ages. though i have a large family

GwendolineMaryLacey · 23/03/2012 22:48

I've never been to a child free wedding either. I would assume children were invited unless told otherwise.

MrsBeakman · 23/03/2012 22:53

It seems a bit odd that you've not received an invite yet if they've been planning the wedding for the past year. You said "all close family members going to the wedding too." How do they know this if no invitations have been sent? Are you defo invited?

Bunbaker · 23/03/2012 22:58

Like Hope I have never been invited to a child free wedding either. Both of our families are scattered about the length and breadth of England and if a family wedding was child free there would only be about three guests there. Our friends are all married now so we wouldn't expect a wedding invitation from anyone other than family.

I think it is odd to have a child free wedding and didn't know it was the norm until I joined mumsnet.

EdlessAllenPoe · 23/03/2012 23:03

i was invited to one child free wedding - i couldn't get childcare - i didn't go...it was BIls wedding, so DH went.

otherwise all with children. when they're asking you to go somewhere which is definitely an overnight stay -

Mia4 · 23/03/2012 23:54

I think YABU because as you've said you haven't actually been invited yet. If they invite you, I'm sure they'll tell you then. Good friend or not, often money plays a large part in why some weddings are CF, especially if a lot of people have kids.

YANBU in another respect because 3 months is pretty short time to send invites out in for a wedding; they aren't unreasonable to do it their way but-especially in summer- they may find people have other plans and can't come regardless of whether they have kids or not. Unless they've sent out 'save the dates' which really, yes, would have been good to state child-free wedding to give people the maximum allowance of time to sort stuff out.

threeleftfeet · 24/03/2012 00:00

Most of the weddings I've been to children have been allowed.

I know it's a mumsnet can of worms (sorry) but I really don't understand child-free weddings. I think it's totally at odds to what getting married is about.

BusinessTrills · 24/03/2012 00:02

It really takes you 3 months to find a babysitter?

BackforGood · 24/03/2012 00:31

YABabitU. I too would assume my dcs aren't included on any wedding invitation, unless the couple have specifically stated they want the whole family there.
I wouldn't expect the invitation until about 6 weeks before the wedding.
OTOH, if you have had lots of chats about the wedding, then you've had plenty of opportunity to ask if you are invited as a couple, or as a family or not at all, just as they have had the chance to mention that they are just inviting you.
IME though, if ever I'd ask potential babysitters months in advance, they wouldn't commit themselves then anyway. A few weeks is normally enough notice for people.

sashh · 24/03/2012 03:51

They never mentioned children but you ssumed your children were invited?

I've been to both child free weddings and child friendly weddings and all stages in between. If children are invited then there is usually somethhing to indicate that, a children's menu, an entertainer or just ddifferent favours.

I know it's a mumsnet can of worms (sorry) but I really don't understand child-free weddings. I think it's totally at odds to what getting married is about.

But it is a legal process, would you take a child to a magistrate's court? The last wedding I was at, I could not hear the couple make their vows for lego bricks being clunked together, that really spoiled it for me, I really wanted to hear the vows.

Bubbaluv · 24/03/2012 06:36

I assumed from your title that you were going to say that they suddenly announced their child-free status 48 hours before the wedding. 3 Months!!?? I might struggle a bit to arrange a babysitter with 48 hours notice but if I really wanted to go to the wedding then I would get it sorted, but with 3 months notice I simply can't imagine what the problem is!
So YABU

mrspepperpotty · 24/03/2012 07:05

I don't think there is a 'norm' - since having kids we've received a mixture of child-free and family invitations.

I enjoy taking my 3 young DCs to weddings, but I totally understand if the bride and groom choose not to invite kids for cost or other reasons.

BUT what annoys me is to be informed (this has happened twice now) in the info accompanying the invite, that they are not inviting children "so that the parents can relax and enjoy the day" - I find it very presumptuous of someone to tell me that I will have a nicer time without my DCs than with them, when it's entirely their decision not mine!

Sorry, wandered off topic slightly there. I think as your friend is a close one and you've had lots of chats about the wedding, it would have been courteous of her to mention the child-free thing. YANBU.

mummytime · 24/03/2012 07:28

Sorry but the weddings I have gone to with my kids, only one had anything special for the kids.
BTW my kids have never banged Lego bricks etc in Church, the worst would be a rustle of wrappers before 2 minutes silence on Remembrance Sunday.

Ephiny · 24/03/2012 07:36

I don't think there's a particular thing that 'getting married is all about' - basically it's a legal contract, and anything the couple want the day to be about on top of that is up to them. If they want to make it all about 'family' and hence inclusive of children, then that's fine, but not everyone wants it that way.

exoticfruits · 24/03/2012 07:39

It really takes you 3 months to find a babysitter?

In many cases it is impossible. Other family members that the DCs know well are going to the wedding. You are gone hours during the day and someone has to amuse and feed the DCs-not just put them to bed and watch TV. It also has to be someone that they know well and are comfortable with.
I once had a friend of DSs when his parents went away to a wedding (it is often some distance) but he had to stay the night. He was only little and luckily he was OK. I couldn't have his little sister, she didn't know us and she had to be farmed out somewhere else. All usual sitters were at the wedding.

Personally I would just turn down the invitation and invite them around for a meal at your house at a later date.

Clytaemnestra · 24/03/2012 07:42

If it helps any, I know a couple getting married, one of DH's closest oldest friends and his partner. I too have had lots of lovely wedding chats with the partner about what she's planning, helped out sourcing suppliers and all sorts.

When the invite arrived, not only was DD not invited, I bloody wasn't either! Invite turned up for DH only. I got an email invite to the party they're having a month or so after, but as DD still isn't invited, I think I shall gracefully decline.

So you might not have to worry about childcare, you might not be going either!

EdithWeston · 24/03/2012 07:42

Well, you only know who is invited when you receive the invitation and see whose names are on it.

As invitations would usually go out 6 weeks or so before, they've done you the favour of doubling the "notice time". And 3 months really is plenty.

If your DCs would love the venue, you could still take them and have a sitter at destination who can make sure they enjoy whatever it is they have that is good for children (your friend might have assumed this was what you would be doing when you made this comment); or you arrive early, or stay on afterwards and use that time for all the things the DCs will love.

Ephiny · 24/03/2012 07:46

If your DC really love the venue, maybe you could host a children's party for them and their little friends there sometime? It's not really your friends' responsibility to arrange and pay for enjoyable experiences for other people's kids.

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