to think that if you're having a child-free wedding you should tell people ASAP?

[b00kw0rm]

As title really- we've got good friends getting married in less than 3 months time, still haven't received an invite, but have now heard that "children cannot be accommodated" at the wedding.

We have 2 young DCs, all close family members going to the wedding too, so arranging childcare is not going to be easy. We've also had lots of chats with the happy couple over the past year about the wedding and they never mentioned anything about children....

So, AIBU to think that perhaps it would have been considerate to have mentioned it sooner?

Hmmm....I can see your dilemma, and if there are no sitters to use then that's it...you can't go.
But I do think three months is plenty of notice.

I think sending out invites 3 months before a wedding is cutting it a leetle fine, (I sent mine out about 4 1/2 months before & even then worried about it being a bit short notice).

We had very limited numbers at our wedding so had to restrict invites to children, especially people whose kids were older & could be left more easily. Our compromise was to make sure we could accommodate anyone whose childcare fell through at the last minute. We ended up with 3 yr old twins at the wedding who behaved brilliantly, & I had bought some children's books & toys to distract them.

We also did have family children at the wedding: I couldn't not have had my nieces and nephews there!

When it came to ppl with older children, though, in most cases we don't know the children all that well & they probably would have been v bored at the wedding. And the parents were all glad of a child free night out, I think!

Sorry marshmallowpies but I find your last sentence very presumptuous (see my earlier post). If you don't want to invite kids - fine. Your choice. But don't assume you are doing all their parents a favour! Some may want their kids there and be disappointed by your decision.

Mrspepperpotty yes of course it does sound presumptuous at a general level, but it depends on each individual case.

In our specific case, DH has quite a few work friends older than him with teenage/pre-teen children who neither of us know well or in my case have ever even met. Should we have invited these children we barely know in place of other friends of ours?

As I say, if anyone had come to us and said 'we tried to get childcare but it didn't work out' we would have fitted them in (and did).

Of course if it's a case of not inviting a child you know well & have a relationship with, creating a situation that would inconvenience the parents or mean they don't come to the wedding at all: I would never have done that. If anyone needed to bring a child, they could have done.

marshmallowpies I don't think you need to invite those children, I completely understand and respect your decision not to. The only part of your post that I found annoying was the sentence that implied you are doing the parents a favour by not inviting their kids, when that simply may not be the case.

mrspepperpotty - yes of course some parents might feel that way. In our case the couple who had 3 pre-teen/adolescent children said 'we probably won't bring the children, we'd like a night off, is that ok?'

On the other hand I was at a wedding recently where a family brought 2 adolescent children because they apparently never leave their children with anyone (eg any social event, party, cinema, dinner, pub trip- they always bring their kids).

My friend whose wedding this was knew, of course, because she'd been made aware of this situation before, so she accommodated them. I have to say, though, the children looked very bored all day.

I am 68 and in all my life I have never been to a child free wedding.

'so that the parents can relax and enjoy their day' ---> 'so that the parents can get absolutely legless'

"because they apparently never leave their children with anyone (eg any social event, party, cinema, dinner, pub trip- they always bring their kids)."

Perhaps they can't be trusted on their own. I think it is presumtious to assume that everyone has easy access to childcare. We don't, so if we were invited to a childfree wedding we just wouldn't be able to go.

I do think that the bride and groom should accept that some people simply can't get childcare and should not be offended if some guests can't come if their children can't be accommodated, especially tiny bf babies.

I think 3 months is enough time to arrange child care, but I was a bit surprised that other posters say they assume it's no children unless told otherwise, I would assume the opposite - but I am new to this! I'm going to a wedding in June and DS is invited, as long as he's not ill I'll be taking him and if he does show any signs of grizzling, myself or DH will take him outside so he doesn't interrupt the ceremony.

Bunbaker - yep, it could have been that the children were badly behaved, but not in this case, I don't think, they were the quietest, most subdued teenagers I've ever seen.

The parents view is simply, apparently, 'we come as a unit of 4 & we all come together or not at all'.

Absolutely fine at a wedding, I would say, but in my friends case, the occasions where she might like an adult conversation with her friend, eg over dinner or a coffee, are restricted because the teenage children are always there. Realise that is a very specific & imo quite unusual example, though.

If you can really only leave your children with family members then I can see that a family wedding not including children might be a problem.

Except for the fact that a family wedding will involve either your family or your partner's family and is unlikely to involve both.

Not everyone has easy access to childcare, no, but if you have 3 months warning you don't need it to be easy, you've got 3 months to sort something out.

I don't understand where this preciousness about babysitters has come from - it seems that MNers these days will only leave their children with:
adults
who are family members
who have children of their own
who they have left their children with before

Leaving aside the fact that the last one means you will never start leaving your child with someone, I'm sure as a child I had babysitters who were none of the above.

Trills for an evening it is different, especially if your kids are a bit older. But as wedding which is all day is a different thing, and of course there is the cost implication - probably £100 for a whole day and evening if not more.

My brother didn't invite our DS to his wedding, and then got the hump when we said it made it awkward for us to come. In the end we were able to organise childcare for the day but not the evening so we left after the meal. Which he still wasn't happy about.

I personally think a child free wedding misses the whole point about getting married, but if people are going to insist on no children then they have to accept that some guests may not be able to make it.

I actually find all the comments about child-free weddings being selfish, and children being the point of weddings, quite hurtful and narrow-minded. We didn't invite children - my family are abroad and were not able to attend, my DH's family are not big and extended, and most of my friends have no children. And we are not planning on having any.
DH has two nephews and I'm so glad his sister didn't make a fuss about them coming, as a couple of not very well behaved toddlers running about would not have really gelled with the atmosphere.
OP it's her wedding. Sort out childcare or don't go. YABU.

Many years ago we invited the children of close family only. We only had space to invite 100 guests and a dozen children would have meant we could not have invited many dear friends.

It is customary to send a wedding invitation about six to eight weeks in advance - it is addressed to those who are invited to attend. That is time enough to organise childcare should it just be addressed to Mrs and Mrs Bookworm. If you don't want to arrange childcare all you have to do is to politely decline the invitation but it is not the role of the invited guest to start fussing over it.

If you are going to stay at a hotel, can you not inquire if the hotel provides a babysitting service - many do and it is a more than reasonable compromise.

"I don't understand where this preciousness about babysitters has come from"

I am very tempted to give my first . There is absolutely no way I would leave my daughter with a complete stranger for 24 hours. She wouldn't be very happy for a start. I do have a friend who has babysat for us a few times, but it is for the odd evening and for no more than 3 or 4 hours. We just don't have family on tap.

"DH has two nephews and I'm so glad his sister didn't make a fuss about them coming, as a couple of not very well behaved toddlers running about would not have really gelled with the atmosphere."

You are assuming that all children are badly behaved.

When we got married the only people with children was my SIL. Since it meant a 600 mile round trip for them and all OH's immediate family would be at the wedding it would have meant she wouldn't have come. As it was most of OH's family didn't come because they didn't want the expense of hotel and travel. It was unfortunate that OH and I come from different ends of the country and we got married in my home town.

Sorry to hijack but as i'm currently planning a child free (except our own DD) wedding next summer and i have no idea if you are BU, i thought i'd ask- when should we tell people? With the save the dates about 10months in advance? or should i send the full invites out earlier than the 10weeks before I had planned? TIA

I'm not suggesting leaving your child with a complete stranger for 24 hours. I am suggesting that in the past it was much more normal to leave your children with non-family, so that when something like this came up there would be a decent-sized group of people who were not complete strangers who your child would be familiar with and happy to stay with.

I do leave DD with a non family member because we don't have family nearby, but I couldn't do it for an all day event.

MamaGeek I don't object to child free weddings per se, but I think it is unreasonable to take the hump if some people can't come because they can't get childcare or their baby is too small/being breastfed.

Bun- i just want to make sure that i allow people adequate time to organise something. If they can't make it then so be it. I understand that. Unfortunately, our budget just doesn't allow for the number of children.

I don't know what it's like for other folk.
Most weddings we're invited to are not a day trip, they involve an overnight stay.
If it were a day trip: looking at 4+ hours to attend wedding & just a small part of reception.
If overnight, then looking at hotel + 24hours+ to attend.

I can't see how I'd pay less than £7/hour for a decent babysitter, and that's only recent (would have been more in past when DC were more challenging younger). So that's £28 min. And what would it cost to get reliable overnight care for 24 hours? £60? I assume those are minimum costs, goes up if you have to use professional babysitter services (assuming any even operate in your area), as opposed to next door's responsible 17yo.

Child care comes on top of travel expenses + hotel + gift + getting smart outfit together, drinks at the event sometimes, it adds up. It's not like when you're both child-free & earning FT. Dunno OP's logistics, but I can see why they're taken aback.

MGC Save the date note, but could include a handwritten note to relevant people to say Sorry, but due to the need to limit numbers that you will only be inviting adults. I don't mind child-free weddings, either, I just can't (usually) go to them.

MamaGeekChic send it with the save the date, list the people invited and put a 'disclaimer' on the bottom telling that the wedding will be child free. It just gives people a longer time to sort things out and for those who decline right away it gives you time to 'save the date' someone else.

ragged i can see why they're taken aback too but if you look at the numbers on the other side to it can be between £75 -150 per head for adults and quite a lot of places now 'squeeze people by making children have the same food OR a close price for a kids version. I've been going around 20+ places getting prices for a friend and a good 75% are insisting kids (except babies and toddlers which aren't eating kitchen prepped food) must pay the same price as adults despite that that price included the wine that's drunk.

Now you've got 5 friends, three have kids total of 5 kids, that's 5x adult prices more which means if you are on a tight budget you have to ration friends over those kids and in some cases (certainly for my friend) she doesn't know the kids particularly well. Now they could go for a cheaper option wedding wise but then it's their day so really everyone is celebrating that couples day so the day is as they want.

I can get the OPs frustration though because my sister can't bring her son to the wedding and since mum and dad and I are going (and she won't ask other sibs) she's going to pay for a babysitter, but there's always the option to not go or for only one to go or just go for the day. I think she'll just go for the day.

ragged i can see why they're taken aback too but if you look at the numbers on the other side to it can be between £75 -150 per head for adults and quite a lot of places now 'squeeze people by making children have the same food OR a close price for a kids version. I've been going around 20+ places getting prices for a friend and a good 75% are insisting kids (except babies and toddlers which aren't eating kitchen prepped food) must pay the same price as adults despite that that price included the wine that's drunk.

Now you've got 5 friends, three have kids total of 5 kids, that's 5x adult prices more which means if you are on a tight budget you have to ration friends over those kids and in some cases (certainly for my friend) she doesn't know the kids particularly well. Now they could go for a cheaper option wedding wise but then it's their day so really everyone is celebrating that couples day so the day is as they want.

I can get the OPs frustration though because my sister can't bring her son to the wedding and since mum and dad and I are going (and she won't ask other sibs) she's going to pay for a babysitter, but there's always the option to not go or for only one to go or just go for the day. I think she'll just go for the day.