to think that if you're having a child-free wedding you should tell people ASAP?

[b00kw0rm]

As title really- we've got good friends getting married in less than 3 months time, still haven't received an invite, but have now heard that "children cannot be accommodated" at the wedding.

We have 2 young DCs, all close family members going to the wedding too, so arranging childcare is not going to be easy. We've also had lots of chats with the happy couple over the past year about the wedding and they never mentioned anything about children....

So, AIBU to think that perhaps it would have been considerate to have mentioned it sooner?

ragged

at the poster who says "how dare they tell me I'll have a nicer time without my children!!". I don't think it's you they're particularly thinking of really. It's their wedding, it will not have been planned with your express convenience in mind. Here's a thought, don't go, stay with your children and take them to soft play instead.

It's the bride and groom's day - their decision.

I've been to child friendly and childfree weddings - and personally prefer childfree weddings ok, just DH and I attending and DC being babysat whether it's childfree or not!

I also think that adult parties (30th,40ths etc) should be child free. It's hard on the parents, it's hard on the kids - so either go without or if you don't like leaving your children at home - just decline.

However well behaved your children are - kids will be kids and drinks will be spilt, tantrums will be thrown and food will be smeared somewhere.

Enjoy daytime parties/bbq's with the kids - but adult parties and weddings (if the Bride and Groom wish) I believe, should be childfree.

If the hosts have a reason for not wanting kids there you have to accept this and not force the issue. Like many others have said, if you're not happy just decline the invite.

We were about a child free wedding when we were told to save the date, a year before the wedding.

our wedding was child free as one i work with children and wanted a day without them

two - most of my friends have children so numbers and cost would have doubled and meant wouldnt be able to invite some adults i wanted

three my friends wanted to relax and have a drink without worrying what their children were doing

obv family weddings are different as often means have no one to look after children but depending on where the wedding is,many hotels have babysitters they can recommend and i have done many weddings asa nanny and played in room with small baby or taken older children to soft play centre etc

so imho 3 mths is plenty of time to organise a babysitter/nanny if you really wanted to go - or have a day/night swap with another friend who isnt going and have their kids and then they have yours so free

YABU, perfectly reasonable to send out invites 3m before wedding, which is when you'd expect to find out details like if your child has been invited. It's expecting too much to assume that your dc would get an invite so I'd work on the basis that I have to get childcare until told otherwise.

I understand that you're peeved, you can always choose nit to go. But if I were you I'd just organise childcare, go & have fun!

Getting married next year (hopefully) and it will be, without a shadow of a doubt, child free. We've always thought weddings and especially the reception is an occasion for adults.

Three months is perfectly reasonable notice, as others have said, work from the assumption that any wedding will be child free and then plan accordingly.

I don't mind other people's kids, but they certainly aren't my friends so why would I want them at the wedding, especially as they will take the place of a friend, who we would like to be there (cost/headcount at venue) . I don't expect an invite to their birthday party!

Parents need to realise that on the whole, the presence of children does not enrich a wedding and at worse they can be a a massive pain in the arse!

Just as an aside, my caterer only charged £32 a head for adults and £4 a head for children. Admittedly, this was 5 years ago but I am at £75 a head!

If anyone is in the SE and wants an amazing day on a budget - PM me

I second what BusinessTrills said.

I had children at my wedding and was pleased to have them. But I would never get huffy because someone would rather have other people go rather than my offspring to their wedding. Fair dos and well done them. Their wedding, their choice.
And three months notice is hilariously long enough. We are talking about picking up a phone a few times and finding out if there is childcare or not. Not taking the Queen Mary on a cruise several times around the globe.
(And I speak as one of those people whose family lives a 7 hour plane flight away. Doesn't everyone try and get a 'safety net' of friends who can have your kids overnight if need be? Or is that just me?)

Floggingmolly you have missed my point. I don't mind being invited to weddings without my kids. I'm happy to find childcare for them or decline the invite as you suggest.

The only thing I object to is being told that they are doing it for me (ie a note on the invite saying "we think parents will enjoy the day more" or similar), when clearly they are doing it because that is what they would prefer - which is fine, I'm happy for them to do what they prefer - but not for them to tell me they're doing it for me!!

I actually didn't have children at my wedding specifically so their parents could let their hair down and have more fun, so to an extent I actually did do it for them. Obviously if they are having more fun then they are more fun to be around, so there is a selfish element involved at all, but I think you're being a but nit-picking about the wording MrsPepper.
This way of thinking is obviously exaggerated by the childlessness of a lot of unmarried couples. DOn't you remember looking at couples with children struggling to keep things under control and looking stressed and flustered? Is it really surprising that childless couples imagine they are giving you a hall-pass by inviting you to a child-free event?
You might love to spend every minute with your children, but that doesn't mean that the couple don't genuinely think they are doing you a favour.

First have a child free wedding if you want, just don't Bridezilla if people can't come or want to book their kids into the same hotel as the wedding with a babysitter (both happen on MN).
I have just about always taken my kids, often I have been surprised they were invited. I expect it for family, well their only 1st cousins, but not more distant family or friends (although an exception for tiny babies is nice).
"However well behaved your children are - kids will be kids and drinks will be spilt, tantrums will be thrown and food will be smeared somewhere.". Nope this doesn't happen with my kids, except the spilt drink, and that is just as likely to be me.

1950shousewife, nope I don't have people I could/would palm my kids off to, well certainly not for a wedding. If DH goes into hospital there are people I would ask, and similarly I would help a friend out, but for something like a wedding? Nope.

Most birthday parties I go to are in my town, or pretty local, so babysitting is much easier to arrange. Most weddings are at some distance, so less easy to leave kids.

I think this is more about you hearing it on the grapevine rather than being told direct which is fair enough.

I think 3 months is plenty of time to either find a sitter or decide not to go. We have mixed experiences of this.

Good friends were married last autumn, we booked the hotel well in advance and checked that we'd be able that we would be allowed 1 yr old in room, and said to hotel that she might or might not be there. Then, the invitation came through addressed to just DH and I. So we arranged for family to sit for Dd overnight.
Next thing, we get a message from the bride about a week before the wedding asking if Dd needs a high chair. Ummm.. Instead of saying "but you didn't invite her" we simply replied that we'd decided to have the night off. We went off and had a drunk jolly time. But people kept asking where she was and I know the groom's mum would have loved to see her ( they haven't met her yet as they live hundreds of miles away), as she was always telling us to bring our kids to see her before we even had one. It was a shame.

This year, one of my good friends gets married. She and her DP dote on my daughter, and as they live the same hundreds of miles away, I assumed we were all going. Turns out they hadn't really even thought of it until writing the invitations (we'd had a save the date) and after an afternoon of "child free or not" texts, they decided to have the kids there. Phew!

At our own wedding, under fives were free so didn't count in the numbers.

I would always invite kids and let the parents decide whether they want a night off. Or let them know ASAP if an event is child free.

Mummytime. It sounds like you have exceptional children; but they are your children, it doesn't follow that everyone else wants them at their special events - why should they? Do you take them with you when you're invited out to dinner? Our children are always far more interesting to us than they are to other people, honestly.

Flogging as you will notice, I have said I have been surprised more than once that they have been invited. I also said weddings are usually much further away than birthday parties, and certainly than dinner invites (or do other people travel hundreds of miles for dinner?).

They are also normal kids, but never badly behaved when it is crucial (but see them on the train before or after and you might wonder).

"Parents need to realise that on the whole, the presence of children does not enrich a wedding and at worse they can be a a massive pain in the arse!"

If you invite a friend they are going to be single, part of a couple or part of a family. Would you say the partner isn't invited because you don't like them and consider them to be a massive pain in the arse?

No, I think you wilfully misunderstand me.

It is wholly different because their partner is an adult, attending an adult event. It isn't a case of liking or not liking the child concerned, but that in an adult orientated event their behaviour isn't appropriate for that setting. As I stressed in my previous post, I would not expect or wish to attend a child-orientated event like a birthday or a sleepover.

I think it is a bit unreasonable to expect children to be invited too, but who knows! If they're close friends you'd think that they may have mentioned it.

Sometimes the venues can be a pain about children too - e.g. we went to a wedding where only immediately related children were invited simply because it was a smallish venue & their H&S rules counted a person a person whether it was a child or a grown up (& the food cost the same too) so they had to make that choice.

Invitations are tricky - we went to another wedding where DD wasn't on the invitation so replied to say yes the grownups will attend & had a reply saying what about DD, children should always be welcome at weddings! & another where only OH was invited so responded that he'd go & then it turned out I was invited to the evening.

Well there's the difference then. I have never considered weddings to be adult only events. The Bride and Groom invite their family and friends, families have babies. I have taken very my young toddlers/babies to weddings and their behaviour was entirely appropriate for the event and setting (and they were not immediate family or the focus of the day, or stealing the limelight).

The Bride and Groom invite their family and friends, families have babies

Families also have pets, if I followed your logic, Tiddles and Fido would get an invite too

Okay I am being a bit tongue in cheeck, but the mere fact someone has a child does not necessitate an invite for that child.

For example I have 6 cousins all of which have at least two children each (most of whom are under 5). To invite these children I have seen a handful of times and if I'm honest it is a matter of supreme indifference if they are there or not, would mean not inviting close friends. I am not prepared to do this. If those with children can't attend, then I understand.

I am glad your children were well behaved, however bitter experience tell me this is not always the case.

The Bride and Groom invite people who they want to share their day with them

You might be my friend, but your child is not my friend.

this is why I'm glad we got married abroad. I can't imagine having a child-free wedding and the idea seems a bit weird. Every single 'big' wedding I've been to has included children. Maybe I just know weirdos.

The Bride and Groom invite people who they want to share their day with + random partners. I had plenty of random partners at my wedding who I'd never met and never saw again. I didn't like it but if my friend comes as a couple or a family then I respect their situation and invite accordingly.

I'm just a bit taken aback that people think that a wedding is an adult only affair and no place for kids. I don't expect kids to be allowed everywhere just because I have high standards for my kids behaviour, but find it a shame that people think a few young kids are going to spoil the day based on a bad experience or horror stories.

I always wonder how much children get out of sitting through a 2 to 3 hour wedding reception, and listening to speeches made by people they don't know and not understanding (hopefully ) some of the references made in the speeches.

I assume the majority of us when thinking about a day out with a toddler would not come up with an idea of going to a posh restaurant and expect said toddler to sit still and quietly, whilst a group of adults droned on for a couple of hours. Surely that is equivalent to a wedding reception, and probably why some people, myself included, think that weddings are not always that great for children