to think that if you're having a child-free wedding you should tell people ASAP?

[b00kw0rm]

As title really- we've got good friends getting married in less than 3 months time, still haven't received an invite, but have now heard that "children cannot be accommodated" at the wedding.

We have 2 young DCs, all close family members going to the wedding too, so arranging childcare is not going to be easy. We've also had lots of chats with the happy couple over the past year about the wedding and they never mentioned anything about children....

So, AIBU to think that perhaps it would have been considerate to have mentioned it sooner?

This thread is unbelievable.

Couple decide to get married and throw a party to celebrate. Generally hosts invite the guests they want to attend - it is never up to the guests to decide.

Wedding invitations should be sent six to eight weeks before the event. If the invitation is to Mr and Mrs MNetter it is for two people. If it says Mr and Mrs MNetter, Miss MNetter and Master Mnetter, it includes the children. It should never be negotiable. If the potential guest doesn't like the arrrangements, politely decline the invitation.

It is not up to the guests to determine who should and should not attend. Neither is it necessary to confirm dates with anyone other than close family and those playing a part in the ceremony.

The purpose of marriage in any event is to make a legally binding lifelong commitment, often before God, and it's a great pity in my opinion that the importance of the occasions is becoming overshadowed by an unecessary and overly extravagant party that becomes consumed in argument and consumerism.

Quite true, marriedinwhite. She just waits for the invitation and declines if she has no childcare.

I think it is a good idea to warn people with children. That way they will be able to try and sort out some childcare or warn you that they might not be able to come.

ragged - I guess that is the thing though. If you are going to need childcare 6-8 weeks is going to be enough time to arrange it. If you can't arrange it in that time, you aren't going to be able to arrange it at all and will have to decline the invitation.

That said - I have never yet been to a wedding where I have HAD to stay overnight, although have sometimes travelled back from a wedding in the wee small hours of the morning...

If it was a very close friend that I really wanted there I would explain before the invitations. If I wasn't bothered if they came or not I would just wait until the invitations went out.

To those of you who don't have family available to babysit, do you not have child friendly friends you could ask?

I only ask as I don't have kids but have been asked and have babysat kids for a whole day, night & following morning to help friends out when it comes to child free weddings. I just go and stay at theirs for the weekend and have never been offended to be asked. And I know other friends with kids have helped out mutual friends also.

Just seems strange that there are no friends one could ask. My group of friends - both with & without kids - help each other out like this all the time.

Wow, I must have really pissed our guests off - I sent out invites 6 weeks before the wedding, then about a fortnight later I thought 'oh, should have said about children - whoops' and emailed the few guests with children (there weren't many) and said, 'you can bring the kids if you would like to, up to you, let me know - but if you need a high chair you'll need to bring it as the venue is a shell and we don't have any'. One couple brought their DD (and a highchair!) everyone else (3 other couples, two with one young DC each and one older couple with 3 older children) chose to leave the kids behind. Nobody seemed affronted, but hey... Maybe they're still talking about me 3 years on!

The only kids we invited on the actual invite was the 2 DDs of an old uni friend who lives a long way away - it was very clear that they would have to leave them for 2 days really in order to come by the time travel is taken into account, so we invited them as 'The Bloggs Family' - but they still declined (possibly(?) due to cost, it would have been a long drive and 2 nights in a hotel).

I think it's really rude for people to say 'oooh weddings are rubbish without kids' or 'kids make a wedding' and the very worst one, 'weddings are all about family'. There were no children in my or DH's family at all until we had DD and very few of our friends had children then - we also both have very small families. It's all very well if you have a large, close-knit family to feel that a wedding is a family event, but if your family is small and a bit shit, is your wedding somehow less meaningful? I think not. I have some very close friends who I consider as close as family to me and very few 'real' family members (only my mum and 2 siblings) - the people who are important on the day are the people that the couple decide matter the most to them. They may be family, they may be friends.

ragged

"If you are going to need childcare 6-8 weeks is going to be enough time to arrange it."

I disagree with this. We've been invited to a friend's wedding soon, my parents are going too, PILs sadly no longer with us, my SIL (the obvious next choice) will be on holiday. If I had known the date a bit sooner I could have mentioned it to my SIL and she might have been able to juggle her holiday dates around this.

Weren't me who said the 6-8 weeks thing! :)

I totally get that wedding guests are expensive, maybe that's the main problem, the whole thing being expected to be done in a binge-spending way. Some people want the type of wedding that just isn't suitable for kids, too (totally not the type of wedding I enjoy but to each their own).

I have been to very few UK weddings, but getting trashed up on booze seems to be required at most, so how can you travel back long distance same day after that? .

I booked and organised and was married within 3 months so i wouldve really annoyed people about no children attending , I only had 1 child mine at the wedding and loads of kids at the reception , a few people counldnt make it during the day which is fine , I couldnt afford to have them all plus their children ,

Sorry ragged!

I can never believe how this subject brings out such entitled and judgemental views. Especially the poster who said when discussing the wedding with the B and GTB she said 'the kids will love that' ! Also a child free wedding being 'at odds' with what marriage is about? How is not having children in anyway at odds with two ADULTS who love each other joining in marriage?

I also can't believe this & agree with the posters who've said what a wedding IS about!
I'm recently married and would've loved a child free wedding, unfortunately some people brought them and we had to pay for them too.
Don't know about anyone else, but my wedding was solely about me & my husband. That's it. And it was brilliant.

OP, go if you want. It's that simple.

Good post by 'IFancyAShandy'. That's what I always think when I see people saying "we have no-one to leave them with". Don't you people have any friends ? . My parents both dies years ago, and dh's aren't the babysitting kind, so, Whenever we've been to a wedding or something where we've wanted to stay overnight, we've split the dcs between various people who just supervise / tuck them up with their own dc, and it's no big deal. Exactly the same as we've had other people's children when they've wanted a night away. I'm amazed at the number of people on MN who seem not to have friends.

BackforGood My problem is that the friends I could ask all have cats and DD is very allergic to cats and can't sleep in a house that has a cat. The dander causes her throat to close up even if she has had antihistamine. I would hate to be too far away not to be able to get her the right medical treatment should she need it. Her other friends just don't do sleepovers at their houses.

This is all academic anyway because all of our friends are married anyway and family weddings have always included children.

The most recent weddings we've been to have been to have been the other end of the country, so 250 miles or so away. I wouldn't be happy to be that far away from my kids. They don't all have friends they can sleepover at, in fact ones behavioural issues would make me loath to ask anyone to care for them.
However if we were invited to a wedding local ish, without them of course we would go, no problem. If it was the other end of the country we 'd either not go, or take them and get a local sitter.
But if someone was discussing the venue etc with me I would expect an early heads up. Although 6 weeks is the official invite timescale, I think it is a bit short notice nowadays.

Isn't a wedding a family affair? Arnt children part of family any more?
I think a wedding with a child ban is not what it's about at all, some posts I've read about better to leave children behind so you can drink copious amounts of alcohol is sad! Why not take children to the day time where they can feel part of the extended family, weddings are sometimes the only places children get to see many extended family members, then have them minded in evening when you can drink & be merry! without them around
After all as another poster pointed out they only hard work for there parents, nobody expects the bride or groom to be dealing with them!

If you are my friend then no, your children are not part of my family, and I'd rather invite another friend than invite your children.

Children dont make a wedding all warm and fuzzy children do not make a wedding a familiy affair , a wedding is about the couple wanting people to see them being married and that doesnt have to include anybodies child , if they dont want them there people really shouldnt be so offended , not everybody thinks the world revolves around other peoples children

I don't expect anyone else's life to revolve around my children, that's my husbands & my job. Whether you like it or not children are part of the family & I don't see why they are not welcome at a happy event!
A friend of a friend had a child ban at her wedding & it was because she didn't want any cute children turning up stealing her limelight!!

"Isn't a wedding a family affair?"

This is exactly the kind of comment that makes me want to explode with anger.

Yes, your wedding might be 'a family affair'. That does not mean that a wedding generically is a family affair. DH and I have very little family. Our wedding was not a family affair in any way. Family members were there, sure - but they weren't in the majority (we had far more friends than family there - 7 tables of friends vs 3 tables of family).

It is entirely up to the couple in question what sort of 'affair' their wedding is.

Here's a question for you - what if someone has little or no family? Do they just say, 'oh dear, we can't have a wedding because it is, after all, all about the family and we don't have one'? I am dying to know.

PS The daytime part of the wedding is the worst one to have to take children to as it generally involves several long periods of sitting still, quite a bit of being quiet and in all but one of the weddings I've been to, a prolonged period sitting still at the dinner table and being quiet for speeches which is very boring for everyone young children.

Much easier having kids at the disco where they can eat sausage rolls and run around.

But hey, I'm not anti-kids at weddings - I'm not really bothered either way. If we get an invitation that excludes DD I do not judge the appropriateness of the couple's focus for their wedding day. Because it's their party, and they can invite whoever they want.

What Business Trills said. If it comes to numbers and money, I would rather invite a friend than the child of a family member or friend.

I agree the day time of a wedding is boring for children, I have been to a wedding where lots of children were invited & when speeches where on they provided entertainment in room next door, I'm not saying everyone should do this but they wanted them there so made arrangements to cater for them! I personally don't like to see children running around at night whilst the adults all getting drunk & tired children asleep on chairs & in buggies.
When I say family I include friends in this as if I've seen fit to invite a friend to a wedding they are as good as family & are treated like one as are there children.

If getting married is just about the couple or simply a legal commitment, then why have a wedding at all? You can get married down the registry office with a couple of witnesses - no one would expect kids to be included in that.

But a wedding with guests is about making your commitment to each other public surely - welcoming your new partner into your wider family and friends. When people get married, it's not just a private matter - it affects other people - they are acquiring new inlaws, aunts, uncles, friends, etc. That's the whole point of having a wedding with guests surely? To give them a chance to celebrate your commitment and the new relationships that are being formed. And to exclude all children from that just seems strange to me. If we want our children to grow up to form loving, lasting, relationships in the future, isn't it good to expose them to the celebrating of when two people have decided to do that?