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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I am, for spending more money on my DD than my DSD..

267 replies

hilarydoe · 21/03/2012 10:53

WW3 at home, apparently I am being unreasonable because both our girls (my dd and my DSD who stays with us every other weekend) needed wardrobe overhauls. DH and I decided that we'd spend around £80 each because money's been a bit tight recently because his hours have decreased.

Anyway, I recently signed up to very.co.uk and got a rather large credit limit. I decided that as my DD hasn't been treated much recently I would blow the budget and ended up spending around £300 on her new wardrobe Blush

I didn't think it was a big deal as it's no actual outlay of money yet! and I got it on "pay nothing for 12 months" so we can pay it off monthly with no interest for the year. Bless her, DD even said she's use some of her pocket money to pay it off each month as there was one thing she really wanted that I didn't think was that essential. (Damn Superdry!)

Anyway, I've started WW3. DSD is sulking because her clothes aren't as nice as DDs and she didnt get as treated as DD did.

I think I might be being a bit unreasonable but I don't think I deserve this lashing!

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 23/03/2012 09:45

Not really about logistics though its about you spending more on your own daughter behind your husbands back when you both agreed the girls would get 80 each , you dd got designer worth £300 your step daughter didnt ,

pigletmania · 23/03/2012 09:55

Exactly MrsJ did dsd get her £80 clothing allowance spent at Very. Both girls needed new clothes at the same time, it was agreed beforehand that both would get £80 because that is what op and her dh could afford, yet she took it upon herself to go behind her dh back and spend a lot more on nicer clothes for her dd which op dh is helping to pay. DD presumably has a dad who should contribute to this £300 worth of clothes. It was obviously not done in a sensitive and discreet manner, and as a result dsd is undertandably hurt and upset.

MorrisZapp · 23/03/2012 09:56

Clearly the op screwed up.

But the general point so many are making is that the girls should be treated the same. I don't see how that works in practice, when they live in different houses and have different families.

pigletmania · 23/03/2012 09:57

Its not about material things, its the psychological message that is sent out to dsd as a result. Fair enough if it was ops own money, she has a right to treat her dd, and it was explained to dsd, but its not all op money that is going on this, dsd dad is helping to pay for this as well.

Mrsjay · 23/03/2012 10:00

I have a half sister granted we lived in the same home but we were treated the same you wouldnt know my dad wasnt my real dad , when children are with you , you have to treat them the same it is only fair , both the girls are in step families and yet it was thought ok to spend more on 1 daughter than the other , when it was supposed to be an equal purchase on clothes ,

I hope i make sense ,

pigletmania · 23/03/2012 10:02

Ok then Morris dsd should have got a couple of nice items from the catalogue, and an option to buy something nice and to pay for it out of birthday and christmas money or pocket money

pigletmania · 23/03/2012 10:06

Exactly, it was agreed to spend equal amounts on each child, and op spent considerably more (more than double) on her own child, on nicer clothes than her dsd. Think of the subliminal message that is being given to dsd, not nice and not the way to ensure a happy family.

MorrisZapp · 23/03/2012 10:12

But that's still fiddling about with the Ops clothing purchase. The op screwed that one up, clearly, as I said.

My point is to the many posters who think that kids in step families should be treated the same.

I have a stepdad who is a true dad to me - I know how stepfamilies work. I have three siblings now with step families of their own. One of them for instance has regular foreign holidays with his grandparents, while his stepbrother does not.

If the kids don't share a house, how can they be the same? I think its different in blended families who all live together.

DamnBamboo · 23/03/2012 10:20

Can I actually ask, what is wrong with buying more clothes for the child who will, err need more clothes, given that this is her only source of clothing anywhere, and she doesn't have another wardrobed in another house to use a well.

OPs financial decisions aside, what is wrong with buying DD more than DSD? If DSD is rarely there, most of it won't get worn, and presumably she'll grow out of it and it will go to waste.

If she brings it back to her mums, then surely child support is being paid by the DH so he is in effect already contributing to clothes elsewhere?

If you told them you were spending the same on each, then more fool you. But realistically, how can your husband justify this, it in effect means your DSD is getting more than your DD because of the reduced amount of time she spends with you?

DamnBamboo · 23/03/2012 10:22

FWIW, I have three kids and an SD.

I used to buy her clothes all the time when she was little, and they aways went back to mums.

I know it's hard to impost a this stays here and that goes there rule with SC, but I wasn't prepared to spend money on clothes that she never wore when she was with us.

I buy my own children clothes based on their need and SD is no different; she doesn't need anywhere near as many clothes here as her brothers and she really doesn't want them either.

Mrsjay · 23/03/2012 10:25

On this i think both children have been treated differently im not talking about other times of course sometimes its not possible for children to be equal if they dont live together
, I only answered the OP she thought her own daughter deserved more clothes than the other daughter and imo that is sending a message to the step daughter that she isnt worth the designer clothes , Tbh its not about the money deep down its about childrens feelings and the sd feels her step sister is more valued thAN SHE IS ,

HugADalek · 23/03/2012 10:35

Getting stuff on credit without talking to your partner is not really on, this is where I would say YWBU.

However, DSD is only there every other weekend? She simply needs fewer clothes at her dad's house than your DD who is there full time. So I would have set the original budgets differently for the clothing that the children NEEDED, and discussed the credit and buying more clothes for my DD because she WANTED them. DSD does have her own mother also to buy clothing that DSD wants, she's being provided what she needs by dad.

I don't think that they need to be treated equally, as in the same amounts of money, but I do think they need to be treated fairly. So I would have had a budget for clothing needed, not necessarily the same (52 days a year versus 365 days = different NEEDS). I would have then discussed the credit with my DP and said I would like to treat the girls also, I would then have set a budget for what the kids WANTED, and probably made that more equal, so as not to make a difference between them when it comes to being treated.

YANBU to spend different amounts on each child, but YABU to not discuss things in more depth with DP, take out credit, and only treat one child. Their needs are different due to the family set up, but only treating a resident child sends a message I don't really like.

pigletmania · 23/03/2012 10:46

Its not that she bought more clothes for her dd, but nicer designer clothes, and not dsd. Dsd should have got some nice clothes as well, in her eyes she is not valued as much as dd and not worthy of such clothes, no wonder she is upset. What if dsd mother cannot afford nice clothes for her dd and she sees her stepsister in nice clothes that her dad has helped pay for. Dd has a dad presumably, if op needs money for clothes she should persue him for maintenance too.

pigletmania · 23/03/2012 10:46

She spent triple the budget which is not on.

DamnBamboo · 23/03/2012 10:50

Didn't realise there was such a difference in the quality. I just assumed that the amount of clothing purchased was greater.

Buying DSD cheaper quality clothes is not on, I have no issue with the budget aspect of it for reasons given above.

pigletmania · 23/03/2012 11:16

Yes she spent £300 on nice catalogue clothes which included some designer items for her dd, but not for her dsd, who got a new wardrobe for £80 which the only way that can be possible is if she bought budget items from Primarni, and supermarkets, not on imo. A pair of jeans from Topshop and even H&M can set you back well over £30

BabyDubsEverywhere · 23/03/2012 11:29

£300 on resident child who lives here full time equates to £42 on non resident child whos there for 1 weekend every two weeks...so you over spent on your DSD going on the maths...Or under spent on your DD by £260....just a thought.

Mrsjay · 23/03/2012 11:34

the poster mentioned superdry clothes so designer or branded clothes for her own dd and not her SD its favuritism and i think she knew this deep down because she opened a VERY account on buy now pay later so she thought she could justify it that way , this is the 2nd very thread i have read in the last 2 days , is it really such a great catalougue Confused

Mrsjay · 23/03/2012 11:34

favouritism*

MNHelenisPansfavourite · 23/03/2012 11:50

< slight diversion - MrsJay, could you PM me re the fb fight thread please? I have just logged on to find it's gone pooof! If you don't mind letting me know the reason given? thanks>

Mrsjay · 23/03/2012 12:07

I cant find it either and do you have your profile set private I cant Pm you mnhelen you could Pm me ,

chocolatebuttin22 · 23/03/2012 12:31

Why discuss the budgets with both DD's?
You both have allowed your DSD to have an argument by saying they both will get equal she. This should never have been told to them as DSD does not live at ur house full time and in terms of finance she is not equal in that household. You should treat them equally on trips out when she visits not material things becuase DSD will always be treated differently in your household. If treated the same then DD could get upset as DSD has another family who shes also gets material things off.

When they are both in the care of your DH and yourself, if you can't buy both dont buy one.
DH needs communcaite with his ex if the girls are of similar age and want the same stuff.

chocolatebuttin22 · 23/03/2012 12:52

No right or wrong answer i dont think. just the way in which the adults handled the situation. If its just the clothes being the main problem then you and DH need to discuss you DSD bringing clothes from home with her. Then you can spend the 80 that would of been for clothes on days out for both girls. Bowling, cinema or a theme park non material things that the girls can not be competitve about. show them you love them both that way. Then if your gunna discuss buying your DD a superdry hoodie or somethin infront of DSD just think how that will make her feel. surely it can wait 3 days tills she is back at her mothers house xx

pigletmania · 23/03/2012 12:59

baby where do you get that calculation off the top of your head Hmm

pigletmania · 23/03/2012 13:51

The crux is its not right and it's not on. Those in support of the op do not understand that dsd is a child and will not see it from an adult perspective. She willvseecthe nice clothes and possibly feel less valued and less loved