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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I am, for spending more money on my DD than my DSD..

267 replies

hilarydoe · 21/03/2012 10:53

WW3 at home, apparently I am being unreasonable because both our girls (my dd and my DSD who stays with us every other weekend) needed wardrobe overhauls. DH and I decided that we'd spend around £80 each because money's been a bit tight recently because his hours have decreased.

Anyway, I recently signed up to very.co.uk and got a rather large credit limit. I decided that as my DD hasn't been treated much recently I would blow the budget and ended up spending around £300 on her new wardrobe Blush

I didn't think it was a big deal as it's no actual outlay of money yet! and I got it on "pay nothing for 12 months" so we can pay it off monthly with no interest for the year. Bless her, DD even said she's use some of her pocket money to pay it off each month as there was one thing she really wanted that I didn't think was that essential. (Damn Superdry!)

Anyway, I've started WW3. DSD is sulking because her clothes aren't as nice as DDs and she didnt get as treated as DD did.

I think I might be being a bit unreasonable but I don't think I deserve this lashing!

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 21/03/2012 14:36

They are not half-siblings. They are step-siblings. The OP's DD is her DH's stepdaughter. She said that her DD goes to her dad's house on some weekends.

BuntyPenfold · 21/03/2012 14:36

I thought the OP said they have different fathers.

Hoebag · 21/03/2012 14:37

Your DSD probably feels quite humiliated

Shame on you,

shewhowines · 21/03/2012 14:37

Piglet - they don't share the same dad. See page 2 at 11.09am

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 14:37

How can dsd be dsd they have to have one parent in common Confused

mynewpassion · 21/03/2012 14:39

piglet OP had her DD with her ex. They broke up. DH had DSD with his ex. They broke up.

OP and DH got married. DD and DSD are step-siblings. OP is stepmother to DH's DD. DH is stepfather to OP's daugher.

D0oinMeCleanin · 21/03/2012 14:39

I think OPs dd is hers and lives PT with her and her parter and pt with her own dad. The dsd lives mainly with her own mum and OP's partner is her dad but not father of OPs dd Confused

PiousPrat · 21/03/2012 14:40

DD is hers, DSD is his. They have no 'joint' children, Piglet.

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 14:40

Oh right op dd from previous relationship . Still unfair that your dh is helpi g pay for one dd 300 wardrobe and not the other

ivykaty44 · 21/03/2012 14:41

It doesn't matter how much you spent, the part that matters is you and your dp decided to do something and agreed on it for your dd and his dd

then you went behind his back and did something completly different.

can you imagine if you and your dh decided that you where all going away for the weekend instead of a summer holiday this year, then he says when you get home on the sunday night - oh by the way me and dd are going away for 4 days at the beging of the summer hols but you and your dd can't come - how would you feel?

D0oinMeCleanin · 21/03/2012 14:42

It's very unfair. Think of it this way. OP has ensured that her DH spends £300 on his DSD i.e her own daughter but is unwilling to spend the same amount on her own DSD i.e. his daughter.

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 14:44

Not fair I presume joint money is being used to pay for this so tsvfair to redress the balance. What about dd dad does he pay anything. Has dd got clothes at his house f she sees him. Sounds very unbalanced

pictish · 21/03/2012 14:44

DH and I decided that we'd spend around £80 each because money's been a bit tight recently because his hours have decreased.

That's the crux of it - the OP and her DH cannot afford to spend £300 on clothes. The Op moved the goalposts without consulting her dh, and now he is effectively going to paying far more than he agreed, and not even for his own daughter - his stepdaughter benefits, but not his own.

That's wrong.

mynewpassion · 21/03/2012 14:47

D0oin Precisely. That is why its unfair.

I don't think people begrudge the fact that the child living more in the home will get more spent on her but in this incidence, both girls were getting new wardrobes at the same time with an agreed budget coming from the joint account.

The way the OP went about it creates friction and bad feeling between DSD and her father. What if the DSD thinks that her dad doesn't love her and loves her stepsister more because he spent more money on her instead of the DSD? What if this contributes to a deterioration of DSD's relationship with her father? Is this what the OP wants?

shewhowines · 21/03/2012 14:48

Yes i agree d0inmecleanin. Very unfair. - Unless DD lives there for most of the 14 days in which case she will genuinely need more clothes (washing etc) than DSD who is there for only 2 days. But then they could redress the balance by making sure the DSD has fewer but "nice" i.e. superdry clothes. She wouldn't have time to wear as many clothes as DD(assuming she is there most of the 14 days).

It should be decided what is fair on a "needs" basis. But DSD should not be wearing primark whilst DD is wearing superdry.

Fair is not always equal.

Hulababy · 21/03/2012 14:51

Is it a joint account or did you pay for this from your own account?
Does DSD get clothes from her mum on top of this?
Does DD get clothes from her dad on top of this?

In the first instance this does sound unfair - but to what extent is difficult without knowing lots of details.

I can understand the whole wardrobe thing - we do this once or twice a year for DD as we have found that it is actually cheaper in the long run and she gets more wear out of more of her clothes - but that is done in agreement with me and DH. And the amount is irrelevant in that sense. How much you chose to spend and on what is not relevant.

The main issues are that

  • spending money on credit and way in excess of your agreed budget - yes, it is paid monthly and no interest - but this is not free money. It is still real money and till has to be paid back. Catalogues like Very almost always charge more for items than if you bought them from instore.
  • spending a lot more than your budget without agreement between you and DH. I am assuming joint account for this to be a bigger issue. If your own account then not so much.
  • the perceived unfairness between the two girls. But again this depends on who normally buys clothes, whether the other parents for each child is buying also, etc.
pictish · 21/03/2012 14:52

The Op is never coming back btw. She will be scared to!

The thing is, I can see how this could've happened without any particular malice...but when she was offered the credit and her mouse clicking finger went trigger happy...it's curious that all the credit went of the OP's daughter. Not so much as a Superdry keyring for sd.

I am not surprised her husband is Hmm

pictish · 21/03/2012 14:53

on not of

RitaMorgan · 21/03/2012 14:56

You don't have to spend the same on both children.

However the way you have gone about this is very cruel - to agree to spend the same amount on both and then make a big show of blowing £300 on clothes for your DD seems desingned to upset your DSD.

How would you and your DD have felt if your DP decided to spend £300 on DSD and your DD only got £80?

Blu · 21/03/2012 14:57

What Pictish said.

mathanxiety · 21/03/2012 15:00

The DSD has a mother and father and they should share expenses for her, with the mother doing the clothes shopping for her DD.

Your DD has a mother obv, and a father, and the two of you should share expenses for her, with you doing the clothes shopping for your own DD.

Fwiw, I think it is silly to overhaul both wardrobes without regard for what the girls may already have at another house, and without regard to what they need in terms of growth, though I am assuming here that you didn't take these factors into account. I also think it is silly to be forced to spend an equal amount on each of them when they might have different needs, different rates of growth. Your DH may be overcompensating for not having his DD living with him full time by providing clothes for her to the tune of £80, and I don't think it is really reasonable for him to expect your DD to have to make do with the same amount spent as she will be wearing those clothes for a longer time while living with you -- his DD's clothes will be worn at weekends if I have read this right, so maybe she doesn't need as many. He may be thinking in terms of fairness or impartiality or providing well for his DD, but not the practical issues surrounding clothes, and he needs to take the practicalities into account.

You and your DH need to talk together about expenses related to the children each of you has. Part of what is making him mad I would guess is that this is quite a big debt you decided to take on, without consulting him. If the boot was on the other foot, how would you feel? What if he put a school trip for his DD on a cc without discussing it with you?

Essentially, I think the best solution would be for your DH to be in touch with his ex wrt clothes and other essentials for their DD and they should be co-ordinating expenses and purchases together imo. You should be in touch with your ex about clothes for your DD, and the two DDs' clothing issues and expenses should be kept separate and a matter for their respective parents to handle.

You otoh shouldn't be spending money you don't have for clothes that your DD will have grown out of before you have finished paying for them. You need to educate yourself a bit about credit.

You need to figure this out soon, because clothes for teens get more expensive and they grow faster. There will be more and more fads like Superdry and they will not be cheap.

D0oinMeCleanin · 21/03/2012 15:04

And for future reference never, ever buy any branded clothing from Very etc. Very are great and fairly priced for electricals and large furniture items but we rarely use it for clothing. M and M Direct, Sports Direct, Ebay and a good old Google will see you better in future.

flyingspaghettimonster · 21/03/2012 15:06

I stayed at my dad's one weekend a fortnight and i would never have expected to get anything from him and my step mother. I remember vividly that he would buy me clarkes shoes then demand payment from mum, even though the maintenance he paid didn't cover such expense. I can count on one hand the number of things i was given that weren't for birthdays and Christmas, and i certainly never expected to be treated by.my step mother the same as her children financially.

On the other hand, i was always treated equally with my half sisters who i lived with all the time. In fact, i remember once being treated to a whole new wardrobe when they weren't, because i had been good dealing with some family issues while my little sister had been in hospital a lot and she had received a lot of gifts while there... My step dad didn't want me to feel less special so he went out and bought a heap of cliches and a camera for me to take on holiday with my biological father.

So if you are not primary guardians i think it is not unreasonable to buy Korea for your dd. Just badly timed and a bit silly to blow so much at once.on.credit.

Can you explain to step daughter that she also gets stuff from her own mum?

flyingspaghettimonster · 21/03/2012 15:08

Cliches is clothes and Korea is more. Thanks phone.

pictish · 21/03/2012 15:09

Lol!

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