Apparently I am, for spending more money on my DD than my DSD..

[hilarydoe]

WW3 at home, apparently I am being unreasonable because both our girls (my dd and my DSD who stays with us every other weekend) needed wardrobe overhauls. DH and I decided that we'd spend around £80 each because money's been a bit tight recently because his hours have decreased.

Anyway, I recently signed up to very.co.uk and got a rather large credit limit. I decided that as my DD hasn't been treated much recently I would blow the budget and ended up spending around £300 on her new wardrobe

I didn't think it was a big deal as it's no actual outlay of money yet! and I got it on "pay nothing for 12 months" so we can pay it off monthly with no interest for the year. Bless her, DD even said she's use some of her pocket money to pay it off each month as there was one thing she really wanted that I didn't think was that essential. (Damn Superdry!)

Anyway, I've started WW3. DSD is sulking because her clothes aren't as nice as DDs and she didnt get as treated as DD did.

I think I might be being a bit unreasonable but I don't think I deserve this lashing!

Honestly, in my opinion, YANBU.
YABU about spending £380 on girls clothes, when 'money has been tight recently'.
But, you said that your DSD spends the weekend with you, so presumably in the week she is with her mother, who I suspect buys her clothes? So she, too, ends up with twice the amount of clothes.

You are buying your DD her whole wardrobe; depending on how much clothing DSD has at home, there is no point buying DSD a whole wardrobe for 2 days a week.
Also, I know it sounds a bit materialistic - but did your DH choose the clothes himself or did your DSD? It may be that she takes the clothes home and her mum hates them and won't let her wear them (I cant imagine what my DH would come home with!) and then it would be a good job that you didnt spend £300.

If your DSD needs a new wardrobe (i.e. she has no clothes at her mums) then maybe you need to buy some more bits.

Look it from the other side: Should the DH spend more money on his DSD than his own daughter? A DSD who has her own father, who likely pays maintenance, and who she sees at the weekends?

From where the DSD is standing, that's what she is seeing.

i think it is not unreasonable to buy Korea for your dd

I disagree with flyingspaghettimonster I think it is totally unreasonable to buy Korea for your DD and not at least get DSD some small Chinese province.

If this is a genuine AIBU and not a reverse AIBU or a sales drive, I think YABU.

You have already stated that your DD is not with you 100% of the time, so therefore the argument about you alone being responsible for her clothing is moot.

If the money for this has come exclusively from DD's maintenance payments from her father, I would think YANBU, tactless maybe, but NU. However, you have not said anywhere that any of this money is coming from any other source ( I am discounting the pocket money since I presume that actually comes out of the family finances rather than exclusively your money). Given that the reason for the £80 limit was that family finances 'have been tight'. it is not unreasonable to presume that this is money from the family pot, however that is organised. And since you are presumably paying the clothing company from the same pot, you are effectively expecting your DH to pay out more money for your DD than he is on his own. I am sorry, but that is wrong. If you wanted to find a way to make it very clear that your DSD is a very poor second in her father's life, well done! you have succeeded. I understand that you will want to treat your DD when you can, but that must not be at the expense of your DSD. She is as much a member of the family as your own DD and should be treated as such.

I can't begin to tell you about how much it hurts to see a step or half sibling being favoured so clearly. To have to see all the wonderful clothes/things that they have, to hear about the wonderful holidays they go on, to hear how their father (and yours, don't forget) came to see them in their school play etc when your own mother cannot afford to treat you to those same things or holidays because frankly, when she only gets maintenance of £10 a week for you , and that doesn't always turn up, it is a struggle just to pay the rent and put food on the table. When your father doesn't even know the name of your school, let alone make an effort to see you in the school play, or attend prize-giving. To hear about how they are supporting your half sibling through college whereas you are told you need to leave school and find a job to help out with the finances, so don't even think about further or higher education.

Now, I realise that most of this does not apply to you, but really, the hurt that can be caused by actions such as yours, can last for years. You are getting a lashing, because you have caused a problem and potentially, you are causing emotional harm to your DSD. You need to sort it.

Not sure about this one.

Yabu and daft to buy on credit and expect your dd to pay her back from her pocket money. Slippery slope Out of interest, who gives her pocket money? You, her dad or your new partner? Or you and your partner in combination?

Yabu to splash out on more clothes than necessary. Yabu to spend so much more on your own dd.

Yanbu to buy more clothes for the resident child. One would assume that your sds has a mum who buys clothes for her and the has a wardrobe at her own house. You dont expect your dds dad and his new partner (if he has one) to spend as much on your dd as you do, seeing as she does not live with him permanently?

The argument would wash because dd lives with you all the time you need to get more clothes for her, as presumably dsd has clothes st her own mother who she lives with most of the time. It fell apart when you said that you spent considerably more on your dd, going behind your dh back on unnecessary designer clothes for your dd which your dd does not need. Basically you went on an unnecessary spending splurge for your dd, which was not agreed, with your dh. Your dh is now helping to pay fir these designer clothes for your dd but not his, whilst she plumps for the cheaper in branded stuff, how is that fair. When you wre ordering these c,others for your dd dud you not even think to order your dsd a couple of nice things, how selfish and thoughtless, no wonder your dsd is upset

Sorry for the typos I am on my phone

You bought your DSD £80 worth of clothes, did you get them from Very or were they from Budget outlets? I think not, no wonder she is upset, you do give stepmothers a bad name. If i were your dh i would be livid and make you return the clothes or make you and your ex pay for your dd wardrobe splurge. why should he pay for YOUR dd expensive wardrobe, when you bought nothing for his dd in your £300 splurge.

You have 2 DDs in the family. How can you treat step-sisters so differently?

I'm not surprised you have WW3.

Both girls ought to have a clothes budget that is similar (perhaps with a little age-related adjustment) - however, you and DH should be contributing to your DD's budget whereas your DH and DSD's mother should be contributing to hers.

That is why the op and her ex should pay for her dd wardrobe not her dh, the father of her dsd and not dd father.

Ok by my logic - £80 from dh, and £80 from her own mother = your DD entitled to more, say £160. Plus presumably your DH is paying maintenance already for DSD. So it goes up a bit again - and in my book this should be explained to DSD - but kindly! DD has no-one else to buy clothes for her and DSD is only with you for 2 days out of 14. Presumably you don't see all of DSD's wardrobe if she's living at her mum's? Presumably you don't buy DD something just because DSD's mum has bought DSD something .......... so they won't always match.

If DD is prepared to pay for Superdry from own pocket money - then DSD can do the same (if she wants to). But she probably should have been given the same choice - ie we will loan you the money and you can pay it back every week if you really want it.

But why get it on credit - you aren't teaching your daughter to save up for something she wants, even if she is paying it back. I don't think spending more on DD is unreasonable - but think your timing stinks a bit from DSD's point of view if she had been told they were going to be treated the same.

Before I get flamed, if the situation was reversed and she lived 12 out of 14 days with you - then I would say YWBVU.

The way I see it is down to who is paying.
£80 each ok paid jointly.
So that leaves £220 to fund for dd. Op said that dd was going to pay for some of it herself - why cant she spend her pocket money on things she wants The fact that the dd is buying some stuff herself needs to be explained to dsd. Of course if dsd got money saved or wants to spend her pocket money there's nothing to stop her doing the same. I really don't think it's fair for the op to sub her dsd because she hasn't saved or isnt willing to spend her own money. Just to appear fair.
So say the dd pays some that leaves the balance for the OP to pay from her own money or from maintenance. Presumably as the dsd mum buys clothes from her money/ maintenance.
What's wrong with that.
Obviously if OP expect her dh to pay the balance remaining after dd has paid her share then thats different.

A child who also has someone else paying for her clothes doesn't need as much 9assumig your Ex isn't also paying for stuff).

YABU to blow all the money you don't have on one kid though.

I think the big mistake is buying it on credit-regardless of other issues.

Putting aside the daft credit/ superdry issues, YANBU.

I'm a product of a step family, and my siblings are now step parents too.

Of course you want to treat kids equally, but this is logically impossible in step families. They have different parents, different extended families and often different homes.

My lovely niece would love to be wearing Jack Wills, Canterbury, Superdry etc but my sister can't afford that gear. My sisters lovely stepdaughter does have that gear though, bought for her by her mum and granny etc.

That's life. It's a nonsense to imagine that two kids who live in different homes during the week will have the same material possessions. How can that possibly work?

Mind you, that won't stop me raiding Hollister for my nieces birthday :)

I am shocked that some of you think that this is ok. What about dd dad! Surely he should pay for her clothing, not op dh. Op has said that dh hours are reduced so they cannot really afford it, which suggests that he will end up contributing to op dd £300 wardrobe but not his. Its not only that, the op bought nicer clothes from a big clothing catalog for her dd but the same standard was not given to dsd, she had to plump for the budget clothes which is not on. Yes dd will get more clothes because she lives with you and your dh, but they should be of equal standard to the ones you bought for dsd, just more items that she needs not better. The way its been handled has been bad, so much so that dsd is aware of it and is quite understandably upset. It should have been done in a sensitive and descreet manner which it appears to have not.

300 on 1 child find your grip im sorry to be so Harsh , no wonder you step daughter has gone huffy , did she get super dry ? , I think you deserve to get your lashing for it you are treating both girls differently ,

morris get your helmet with light on as you will need it

Poor dsd.

Ok can somebody explain to me how two kids who live in different houses are to have the same material possessions?

How does it work, the logistics?