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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I am, for spending more money on my DD than my DSD..

267 replies

hilarydoe · 21/03/2012 10:53

WW3 at home, apparently I am being unreasonable because both our girls (my dd and my DSD who stays with us every other weekend) needed wardrobe overhauls. DH and I decided that we'd spend around £80 each because money's been a bit tight recently because his hours have decreased.

Anyway, I recently signed up to very.co.uk and got a rather large credit limit. I decided that as my DD hasn't been treated much recently I would blow the budget and ended up spending around £300 on her new wardrobe Blush

I didn't think it was a big deal as it's no actual outlay of money yet! and I got it on "pay nothing for 12 months" so we can pay it off monthly with no interest for the year. Bless her, DD even said she's use some of her pocket money to pay it off each month as there was one thing she really wanted that I didn't think was that essential. (Damn Superdry!)

Anyway, I've started WW3. DSD is sulking because her clothes aren't as nice as DDs and she didnt get as treated as DD did.

I think I might be being a bit unreasonable but I don't think I deserve this lashing!

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 21/03/2012 15:18

flying, unlike your dad, it seems as DH does want to spend money on his daughter. He wants her know that while they no longer live together, he will treat her the same way and she has the same status as her stepsister.

In his mind, he doesn't want to differentiate between the two girls. Practically, his DSD will get spent on her by virtue that she lives with him more. I think DSD and DH understand that.

However, in this whole incident where there was an agreed budget, made aware to both girls, to spend the same amount on them from the joint account, one daughter is made to feel like a second-class citizen, which is not what DH wants at all.

Xales · 21/03/2012 15:19

I think you have been silly to spend £300 on clothes for a child. Taking out school uniform & shoes I doubt I spend that much on DS in a year!

I don't think you are unreasonable to spend different amounts on them. If DSD is with you every other weekend then that is 2 days out of 14. If DD goes to her dad every other weekend then she is with you 12 days out of 14 roughly.

It is reasonable then that the child with you for a longer time would need more clothing.

It is pointless buying 14 pairs of knickers and socks etc for each girl when one will hardly use most of them before they are grown out of.

A child with you for a weekend needs at most half the amount the other does!

What is the definition of 'not as nice'. If you have got nice decent items for your DD and cheap nasty tat for DSD that is a completely different thing and is unreasonable. Both deserve the same quality/class of clothing regardless of quantity.

kenhallroad · 21/03/2012 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kenhallroad · 21/03/2012 15:25

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 15:34

Exactly pictish

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 15:36

You can't get a full wardrobe of SuperDrive clothes for 80 pounds

SerendipitousHarlot · 21/03/2012 16:37

This thread is making me Hmm a bit.

OP, YABU for spending all that money/credit on clothes for dd. Especially after agreeing a budget - I can see why your DH would be pissed off with that.

BUT - no way should the OP be spending the same amount on her DSD as her DD - that's her mum's responsibility, surely? I buy my dc school uniform - should I buy the same for my partner's dc? Erm... no!

GravyAndALumpyMashBaby · 21/03/2012 16:46

Pictish puts it best schooolgovenor

pictish Wed 21-Mar-12 13:31:54
as an adult, you're supposed to know that when a fair and equal amount is set aside to be spent on two kids at the same time, but then one ends up getting much more just for the sake of it, that that will cause hurt feelings for your husband and his daughter who are bound to feel snubbed.

But yes I do think they should be treated the same.
A child won't be less upset the agreement was broken because 'her Dad pays maintenace'.

Why do the girls know how much the other had spent on them? Or did the clothes just arrive and it was obvious?
If this is how you feel about it then you should at least have made sure DSD wasn't so aware of it. Step families are hard work and this doesn't sound like it was handled very kindly TBH.

Floggingmolly · 21/03/2012 17:09

I don't get your point regarding "12 months credit - no money has changed hands yet", surely that would still be the case if you'd divided it between the 2 girls? Confused. You are being horribly unfair to your dsd, especially as there had actually been a discussion about this with your dh, and you reneged on the agreement. I'd be furious in his place, too.

Jins · 21/03/2012 17:16

I assume you've done it on the buy now pay later option.

Make sure that the payments are all complete before the final date - pay it over 10 months to be sure. Otherwise you'll be hit with the interest which will be £70 or so

GravyAndALumpyMashBaby · 21/03/2012 17:17

I've just realised my opinion id based on the assumption that 'we can't afford anymore' means your finances are joint! So DH would be paying the bill for your DDs clothes.
If your completely separate in finances then I understand your POV more but was still done horribly.

lurkinginthebackground · 21/03/2012 17:39

I don't think you should have to spend the same amount on both girls.
However I think you should have been more tactful to dsd and not allowed her to see dd in all her finery.
I am going to go against the grain re SuperDry. my dcs wear SuperDry, yes it is expensive but my ds wears his superDry coat all the time. th eonly exception to this is during a heatwave!!!!
Would he wear a cheap supermarket coat/ no actually he wouldn't. It would be great if he would but peer pressure and the desire to "conform" etc all make it very hard.
How many of you saying that you shouldn't buy expensive clothes for your child, buy expensive items for yourself?
The likes of Nike, Reebok, BMW, Pandora etc etc would not exist if adults didn't buy their designer gear.

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 19:02

And why ever not lurking. Presuming this is a joint account why the hell shoud op dh contribute to £300 worth f clothing for her dd and not his. I presume that op dd has a father who pays mainteance.

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 19:06

The op went against what was agreed between her and her dh, spending much more than they can afford not for both dd but for only one child

McHappyPants2012 · 21/03/2012 19:07

Yanbu dsd doesn't live with you so dd will need more clothes at home than dsd

ThisIsANickname · 21/03/2012 19:09

This DSD is not going to understand that her father pays maintenance and for some reason you and the majority of people on this thread think that it's only her mother's responsibility to buy clothes. (Because why should DSD's father act like a parent, after all?)

All she is going to know is that they both needed something. They both we given something. Except what she was given was second rate compared to your DD. What you are essentially saying to this girl is that she is second rate.

Nice.

noblegiraffe · 21/03/2012 19:41

Never heard of the website but coincidentally got some junk mail from them today. 39.7% APR? Ok, you might be interest-free for now, but that shows it's a website for mugs, and apparently they saw you coming. 'Credit' doesn't mean bargain or even good deal. They've just managed to get you to spend money that you don't have, and well over what you planned to.

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 19:45

Exactly thisis some of you are looking at it from a rational adults view not the child's. She will see your dd get more, and nicer stuff than her and naturally feel hard done by

TwinkleTwinklyStars · 21/03/2012 20:01

IMO if she doesnt live with you full time then she doesnt need the same amount spending on her.

If her mother wants to go halves on a whole new wardrobe for her then that is a different story, but if these are just clothes to stay at your house, for her to use every other weekend then she only needs a fraction of the amount of clothes.
It is unreasonable to expect you to buy her an entirely new wardrobe when she lives with her mother.
It would be a different story if she lived with you full time, but she doesnt.

Explain to her and DP that she is lucky that you can find it in your budget to buy her what you have done, and that the very.co.uk credit was the only way you could see that you could afford to get your DD the clothes that she needed. DSD has an entire wardrobe at her home, and a mother to shop for her, you are the only ones that are going to buy DD clothes, and so it is logical that you spend more on her.

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 20:07

Twinkle a child does not need designer clothes

Groovee · 21/03/2012 20:14

How would you feel if your dh spent £300 on his dd and nothing for your dd and then said £80 maximum. I think you would feel aggrevied too.

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 20:15

No it's not fair whatever circumstances to get one child £ 300 worth of designer clothes and the other £80 of mediocre things especially if the dad of dsd is helping pay for the dd designer things

mynewpassion · 21/03/2012 20:17

Twinkle, no, OP and DH aren't the only ones who will be buying DD clothes. She has a father, who is not DH. If the ex doesn't want to buy clothes for DD, that is not DSD and DH's problem. DH does want to buy clothes for his DD as well as his DSD, the OP's daughter.

DH and the OP agreed to budget to buy clothes for both of their daughters. OP then went outside the budget by 3 times. Now, if the OP spent her own money or ex's maintenance money to buy clothes for DD, her DH needs to shut it. But that is not the case.

kickmewhenimdown · 21/03/2012 20:18

YANBU spending that amount on your daughter and not your DSD. You are obviously going to spend more on your DD if you have care of her 7 days a week compared to your DSD of 2 days a week.

YABU for not being more discreet about it and basically flaunting it in your DSD's face. That was a really insensitive, narrow minded hurtful thing to do to your DSD and TBH you should have known better. I dont have any DSC but even I can see that sort of actions are going to cause problems like jealousy and resentment.

Couldn't care less how much you spend or what makes you buy, thats down to personal choice IMO

rhibutterfly · 21/03/2012 20:19

Totally agree with outraged, your dsd has a mum to spoil her as well as yourself and her dad