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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I am, for spending more money on my DD than my DSD..

267 replies

hilarydoe · 21/03/2012 10:53

WW3 at home, apparently I am being unreasonable because both our girls (my dd and my DSD who stays with us every other weekend) needed wardrobe overhauls. DH and I decided that we'd spend around £80 each because money's been a bit tight recently because his hours have decreased.

Anyway, I recently signed up to very.co.uk and got a rather large credit limit. I decided that as my DD hasn't been treated much recently I would blow the budget and ended up spending around £300 on her new wardrobe Blush

I didn't think it was a big deal as it's no actual outlay of money yet! and I got it on "pay nothing for 12 months" so we can pay it off monthly with no interest for the year. Bless her, DD even said she's use some of her pocket money to pay it off each month as there was one thing she really wanted that I didn't think was that essential. (Damn Superdry!)

Anyway, I've started WW3. DSD is sulking because her clothes aren't as nice as DDs and she didnt get as treated as DD did.

I think I might be being a bit unreasonable but I don't think I deserve this lashing!

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 21/03/2012 11:05

Did you still spend the £80 on your dsd? If so, you have done nothing wrong in terms of thedc.

Llanbobl · 21/03/2012 11:05

YABU and IMO very very horrible to your DSD. What would you do if you DH spent £300 on your DSD and £80 on your DD - I take it you'd be on here asking "AIBU or is he for favouring one DD over the other?"

No wonder step parents get a bad name - treat them equally, they are your DH's daughters

soverylucky · 21/03/2012 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hilarydoe · 21/03/2012 11:06

Oh, okay... maybe it is more unreasonable than I thought.

OP posts:
QOD · 21/03/2012 11:06

Does her dad, your DP pay maintenance? DSD clothing, at least some of it should be coming from her DM that way.
But yeah, bit unfair, but I'm kinda torn, I'm a product of step families and the resident parent was always responsible for clothing, the non, for odds, sods and extras

NarkedPuffin · 21/03/2012 11:06

You did break the deal, BUT...

Your DD is with you 14 days out of 14.

Your DSD is with you 2 days out of 14 - she has another parent, another home and another wardrobe.

Surely your DSD gets clothes from her mother too?

blackeyedsusan · 21/03/2012 11:06

ermm, does your step daughter have a mum to buy her clothes as well as he dad? does you daughter have a dad to buy her clothes? hose money have you used to buy your daughter clothes? is it family money or your own "spending money"? what happens if your step daughter gets clothes bought for her by her mother?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 21/03/2012 11:07

But they will never be treated equally unless the dsd's Mum and possible new dp all get together with the op and her dh and come to an agreement about how much to spend on the children. It's never going to happen.

TheBigJessie · 21/03/2012 11:08

Anyway, I recently signed up to very.co.uk and got a rather large credit limit. I decided that as my DD hasn't been treated much recently I would blow the budget and ended up spending around £300 on her new wardrobe

Okay, I worked out years ago (probably when I was your daughter's age) that catalogues issued large credit limits to encourage impulse buying, but naively I thought it couldn't work that well...

Good goddesses and gods alive, lady!

Original poster
hilarydoe · 21/03/2012 11:09

My DD is with her Dad some of the time so not with us 100% of the time. But they both have a full wardrobe at our house.

OP posts:
Original poster
hilarydoe · 21/03/2012 11:10

I've set up a direct debit to pay it off in 12 monthly instalments over the year and it's interest free. Plus DD will pay some of her pocket money £10 per month in to my account.

OP posts:
LumpyLatimer · 21/03/2012 11:11

YABU to buy on credit when you had a budget set
YABU to buy Superdry
YABU to spend £300 on a child's clothes Shock
YABU to favour one child over another

Sorry to be, you know, harsh....

NarkedPuffin · 21/03/2012 11:12

So does your DD get clothes bought by her father? Does your DSD get clothes bought by her mother?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 21/03/2012 11:12

So your dd will get stuff from her own Dad as well as from you. Surely he's not expected to buy everything that he buys for his child for your new dp's child too just so that they are always treated the same?

Of course not, that wouldbe ridiculous.

As long as each set of parents provides for their own child, the children will just have to learn to live with it.f

boredandrestless · 21/03/2012 11:15

So they both have a full wardrobe at your house, yet one has had £80 spent on them and other one has had £300 worth of stuff gotten on credit, including a superdry item! Shock

Your poor stepdaughter. Sad This is going to cause a rift between the two girls, and a huge amount of resentment to you from your DH and DSD, and your dd will feel guilty (sounds like she already is by the sounds of her offering her pocket money).

Also - clothes in catalogues are hugely overpriced, and buying clothes on buy now pay later is very irresponsible as who know what your financial situation will be in the future.

TheSkiingGardener · 21/03/2012 11:15

It is true that DSD has a Mum to spend on her too, but it's just the fact that you had an agreement, and an agreed budget and then went a bit nuts on your DD. Yes, your DD will get more of your money spent on her I suppose but it's the clear message here to your DSD.

In other words, it's not so much WHAT you've done, but HOW it's been done, that rubs it right in your DSD's face.

BupcakesandCunting · 21/03/2012 11:15

YABVU. Your poor DSD. :(

Also Superdry is shit.

diddl · 21/03/2012 11:18

Oh please!

You agreed 80 each but then spent 300 on one!

If it turned out 80 on one, 100/110 on the other that might have been just about okay-but more than three times as much on one is terrible!

PeppaIsBack · 21/03/2012 11:18

A wardrobe overhaul???
Sorry but in my house, you buy things when they are needed. So that would mean, I am buying 2 dresses for dd but just one for dsd because that's what they need.
Or I am buying 2 jumpers and a tee-shirt for dsd and 1 pair of trousers for dd.

That way you don't have an issue with comparing what each has or hasn't. And they both have something to wear.

Buying £300 worth of clothes to one child and £80 to the other is just saying 'I am giving more to one. One child gets some preference and it's not you' and also 'I love her more than you' which is perhaps the case for you but should NOT be left to see for the dc in question.
Having said all that, what on earth have you found to buy to 2 girls that are worth £380?????

OhChristFENTON · 21/03/2012 11:23

hilarydoe Yes, your actions absolutely begged for a lashing, of course your DSD was going to feel hard done by Confused

And by the way I cannot honestly believe that you would expect anyone, anyone to tell you what you've done is reasonable.

Actually, is this some kind of reverse AIBU or something? You are just pleading for a flaming Grin

DodieSmith · 21/03/2012 11:23

You've deliberately created this situation. Why?

AThingInYourLife · 21/03/2012 11:24

YABVU

If you can only afford £80, you can only afford £80.

Getting £300 of credit doesn't change what you can afford.

You've just blown hundreds of pounds of family money on clothes for a child/teenager when times are tight.

Putting the family finances under strain for one child at the expense of the other is ridiculous and unfair.

What were you thinking?

Pandemoniaa · 21/03/2012 11:24

It sounds like a peculiar arrangement all round. Only if your dsd has a "full wardrobe" (whatever that is) round at your house, presumably she has similar at home. So in fairness terms, she's got twice as many clothes as your dd. I've had stepchildren and clothes tended to be bought by the resident parent with other items being extras - in our case we'd perhaps go out on a shopping trip with all the dcs and anything bought was of the same monetary value. But generally, I had as little to do with buying my stepchildren's clothes as dp had with buying my dcs theirs.

In your case, OP, if you'd agreed a budget of £80 for each girl YABU to break the agreed deal and spend £300 on your dd (especially by doing so on credit which means you'll be paying for some of these crap clothes long after they've been worn out or no longer fit). If you customarily buy clothes at the same time for both girls and all these clothes are worn exclusively at your house then of course your dsd is going to feel very second-class if your dd gets hundreds of pounds more spent on her.

Not the wisest decision, I'd say and I'm not surprised you are getting grief for it.

MadameChinLegs · 21/03/2012 11:26

Even IF you went onto the site and thought "i'll spend the £300 limit on both girls" and got them exactly the same, spent exactly the same on them, you would still be BU.

You and your husband agreed a limit. You did so as things are tight financially. You then spent double what was agreed.

You should send back all the items you bought for your DD. Buy her and your DSD what they need within the £80 limit and get each girl to write a list of what they would like for you to choose things from for their birthday and christmas presents.

thegreylady · 21/03/2012 11:26

Sorry-I am a stepmum too and I could never have done that. It was mean and divisive in terms of the girls' relationship with you and each other. The only way to put it right is to either return some of your dd's stuff or spend another 220 on your dsd. Alternatively you could insist your DD shares but that wouldn't be fair either. I don't understand how you didn't see how much trouble this would cause.