Apparently I am, for spending more money on my DD than my DSD..

[hilarydoe]

WW3 at home, apparently I am being unreasonable because both our girls (my dd and my DSD who stays with us every other weekend) needed wardrobe overhauls. DH and I decided that we'd spend around £80 each because money's been a bit tight recently because his hours have decreased.

Anyway, I recently signed up to very.co.uk and got a rather large credit limit. I decided that as my DD hasn't been treated much recently I would blow the budget and ended up spending around £300 on her new wardrobe

I didn't think it was a big deal as it's no actual outlay of money yet! and I got it on "pay nothing for 12 months" so we can pay it off monthly with no interest for the year. Bless her, DD even said she's use some of her pocket money to pay it off each month as there was one thing she really wanted that I didn't think was that essential. (Damn Superdry!)

Anyway, I've started WW3. DSD is sulking because her clothes aren't as nice as DDs and she didnt get as treated as DD did.

I think I might be being a bit unreasonable but I don't think I deserve this lashing!

Im with you pigletmania it just isnt right people can explain it away as whatever , but a childs feelings have been hurt

pigletmania what about DD. They will never be equal in terms of material stuff. One will always have more or less

This is the result of broken families. It all comes down to how the adults handle the situation. Coming from a very large family where we all have half brothers and sisters and step family I understand from all aspects.

Look at it this way DD will wear her clothes every day.
DSD will wear hers 3 days out 14.
If DSD comes over with a pair of gucci shoes then what. DD is then left out she thinks they are treated equally, but there not because DSD has another family who she lives with 90% of the time who finacialy support her.
DH and DSM need to treat them equally in other way, materialy it isnt possible.

I agree with you ChocolateButtin.

I also think the hurt feelings of children are not a very sound basis on which to base your spending decisions on. The fact that one child has possibly been hurt here is assumed by many posters, but if it is true that the DSD now feels like a second class citizen it is because the clothes shopping budget was presented to both of the girls, the clothes shopping took place at the same time for each, and then the DD had more spent on her with the knowledge of the DSD.

In other words, any hurt here is as a result of the DH feeling his DD and the OP's DD should be treated as twins or at least as sisters, which is unreasonable and a problem of his that he needs to address, as well as the unwise decision to let the girls in on the budgetary considerations and the shopping plans.

But I think at the heart of this whole problem is the DH's unreasonable idea that fairness should trump all other considerations, and I think this is what he is complaining about primarily. He should be complaining about the Very account. That is a real problem and not just one in his head.

The clothes the budget been blown and the deception of opening a very account are all factors to this , but the OP thought it was ok to blow a budget on her own daughter and not her husbands daughter , so therefore it looks like to the step daughter that her step sister in this instance is more important than she is , and the poster cant see what the big deal is because its not paid for yet as its all on credit , she seems to think she has a bargain and its WIn/Win , sd got her £80 of clothes her dd got her superdry clothes so everybody should be happy because she only spent £80 in one go , she still has the £300 to pay for ,

I think yabu to go against an agreement and to spend money on credit - but that's a different choice really. But not necessarily to spend more on your DD.

This is an issue i have had growing up. My dad has a daughter from a previous marriage and she lived with her mum. Same arrangement as you - Dsis came over every other weekend. It would have been totally unfair if m&d bought us the same, as sis had her mum and dad's maintenance buying her stuff also.

We still have this issue as sis wants half of what is my mums and our dad's home and stuff (where she should only get a quarter) and she also gets all of what her mum and step dad have too.

DSD should get half of half of (so her dads half of) what you spend on dd. So one quarter basically. That would make it fair.

Although the problem is that you also love DSD (as my mum does dsis) so what should you give her too?

This is all from a purely factual monetary fairness pov - not including emotions or feelings. Perhaps you can explain to DSD she also has her mum but your dd only has you so it wouldn't be fair. iyswim.

Why shouldnt the OP spend more on her own daughter. I bet DSD mother dosent spend give a thought to her DD step sister

I think im banging my head against a brick wall now , tThis isnt about her daughter getting clothes all year round this is about an agreement made which the op broke went behind her husbands back to get clothes for her daughter , of course her daughter is going tog et more as the step daughter may get when she is at home ,

and why would the op daughter be at her step sisters house there is no relation there , so are you saying that the OP shouldnt give a shit about her husbands daughter ?

No where in the op does it mention DH. The op is about the step daughter not being happy. Not about the her going behind her husbands back or what not

you are right she didnt mention her husband in her op i did read it somewhere though about her husband m it is now 10 pages long i not give up

Spuddybean

Your situation with your Dsis sounds difficult! I agree with you that in your case, your half sister should only get half of your Dads share of the house. Your Mums half belongs soley to you. As you say, she has her mums home. And I seriously doubt she feels she should give you half of her Mums place if that day comes.

I have a half sister (who I was raised with full time) and if there's anything left to us when our Mum and my Step Dad pass away (horrible hought), I would never expect her Dads share of anything!! I would have thought your Mum and Dad should sort this out now (I've seen it turn VERY ugly when someone passes away and it's awful and avoidable).

But I do think it's harder with children and something not huge (like clothes). OPs DD is not her husbands child, she has a Dad she also stays with. I think you need to keep it simple with kids as they are so easily hurt in this situations.

I assume that initially both girls were given the budget of £80 to choose clothes from, which they did. OP then decided to spent extra on her dd but didn't tell her dh. So dsd showed off her new wardrobe to dd and vv, only to discover that dd had quite a bit more spent on her. How horrible for both girls.

I just hope that the clothes weren't all ordered from the same shop and arrived in 1 delivery when both girls were there to unwrap them.

I thought after reading the OP that it was the dsd who was angry. Have i missed something? If the DH is cross about opening the account etc then that is a different issue and yes it is U imo.

But if it is just about the dsd being upset then i think she is going to have to get over it. Of course OP should give a shit about dsd, but does that have to express itself financially? or equally? that simply isn't fair when she has her own mother and presumably maintenance to support her.

As i said i am in DD's position and it just wouldn't be right. I'm sure my Dsis would have loved it if she got the same as me, as well as everything from her mum. And i know Dsis stropped but it wouldn't have been fair at all - feelings or not.

I think the underlying issues are more serious:
-Money management
-Who is responsible for clothing DSD
-The relationship you want your DD and DSD to have

I think it worrying that you just want to blow a budget when you've agreed to spend a set amount on each child. Obviously any husband/wife would have issues with that. It is a case of trust.

If your DSD is old enough to understand that she has 2 homes and visits every other weekend surely she is old enough to understand she doesn't need a full wardrobe at her dad's house as she has a full set at her mother's house. Split it percentage wise: 80% of time at mum's house so 80% clothes there and then 20% time and clothes at dad's house.

By showing you are prefering your DD to DSD she is bound to feel resentment towards her especially as your decision was off piste to the decision you and your DH made. It will be harder for the DDs to bond as sisters if one is feeling left out.

gravy yes it is difficult and my parents are now being their usual shit selves. They haven't got a will (and refuse to do one) so it will turn into a massive issue for me to deal with.

But i do think it is the same principle across the board. OP should start the fair distribution (rather than the equal one) now before DSD expects 50% of everything all the time. This is an opportunity to explain this to her and ensure she gets equal love and attention which are not monetary.

Exactly Miss j! It's very easy to explain as we are adults but child are not and cannot see it from an adult pov. Why the hell should dsd dad help pay for designer things for op dd and not his dd. what if it's the other way round and dsd mum can't afford nice clothes and she sees op dd with the nice clothes that her dad helped pay for

Still ident right and op has handled it badly

My main problem with the OP was that it was decided as a couple they couldn't afford more than £80 per child. So to open a credit account to order £300 worth of clothes for one child when it appears Op expects to come out of the communal family pot is wrong and hurtful. She can buy what she wants for her daughter from her own finds^. But not from the family budget in front of DSD in the way she did. I just feel sad for DSD. She's a child, she won't understand 'You're only her 2 days a fortnight and your Dad pays your mum maintenance so tell her to buy you clothes'.
Maybe DSD would like to spend more time at her Dads house with her Ssis? I don't know. Alot of issues here I think. Not easily fixed once damage is done.

Spuddy I'm so sorry you'll have to deal with it! You don't sound like you have the best relationship with your parents or sister tbh! :( Sounds awful. Why does sis expect half of your mums belongings? Is she an adult? If it's any comfort, if your parents were to pass away (and there was anything left that they would have their children inherit) if the house is tenants in common it's highly unlikely your sister would get your mums half unless she took you to court (and have again been told that's unlikely).

I'm surprised your mum doesn't want to protect your interest like I'm sure your sisters mum will be doing. Me & DH (trying to buy a house in near future) have already decided that we'll be tenants in common so if I were to pass away (likely to be before DH) my half will soley be inherited by our DS. Although I intend to write into my will a clause allowing DH to live there as long as he wishes before DS can have the value from my half. I'm not cruel and if I die I hope DH meets someone else and have more children if he wants (and is young enough!) but I don't see why any future wife and children/step children should inherit the half of anything that I owned.

gravy My sister is an arse who wants everything for herself. She is 46 this year and still thinks parents should give every penny they have to their kids. She thinks once you have children your responsibility is to have no life and nothing for yourself and give everything to your children. She thinks my parents are selfish for spending their own money. My parents are lazy and they don't want to make a decision.

Also as sis is much older she has children and my parents have mentioned they would split the 'estate' equally between me sis and her 2 kids. Which obv is up to them, but a little unfair on me and my children when i have them (also i am the one who does everything for my parents - sis only visits twice a year- and will take care of them when they are unable). Her kids and her will already be comfortably off on her mum's inheritance. (interestingly she lives with her mum and is constantly in debt. despite being married and both working full time they have never been able to afford a home - they spend all their money on 'things' for themselves and their kids).

Anyway OP apologies for the rant/hijack.

Oh Spuddy I'd stop running around for your parents at all tbh! It sounds toxic! I'd rather be totally rid and accept they have no interest in treating their children properly.

Oh my fault for hijack! Sorry OP!

Well gravy now i'm pregnant i hope they will see things differently - but what they do with their money is up to them. I certainly wont be putting myself out massively for them now as they age. They rarely put themselves out for me when i was a child!

Oddly enough we are still quite close tho, but they just have different priorities. I have accepted their limitations and got on with my life.

mathanxiety. Why do you think op's DH's idea that fairness trumps most other considerations is unreasonable?

DSD being sulky doesn't exactly equate to WWW3 unless DH was involved and unhappy about the situation. Sulkiness = minor battle. DH, DSD, DD, OP all unhappy = WWW3.

I think if the OP had used her maintenance money from her DD's dad to buy the rest of the clothes, then DSD and DH are being unreasonable. If she is using joint income, then OP is being unreasonable.

Op forgets that while clothes are important, its not essential. Food and shelter are more important. If joint money is already tight and all they could afford was to buy each stepdaughter 80 of clothing at that time, then OP should have stuck to it. Use maintenance money or wait until money isn't as tight to buy the other stuff for her DD.

As I stated earlier, OP's DD will get more spent on her by virtue that she lives with OP and her stepfather, DH, most of the time. No one is disputing that.

However, the way the OP went about it resulted in DSD being made to feel like a second-class citizen. That's why she's sulky.

Also, the OP was being financially irresponsible to the family to spend money that was not budgeted for.

I interpreted maths comment on 'fairness' to mean 'equal'. In which case the DH's and DSD's assumption of equal monies spent on both girls is unreasonable. Both girls should get 50% of their fathers portion but the OP's DD should get 100% of her portion (DSD has her own mother for that). I think in this case to be 'fair' is NOT to be 'equal'.