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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I am, for spending more money on my DD than my DSD..

267 replies

hilarydoe · 21/03/2012 10:53

WW3 at home, apparently I am being unreasonable because both our girls (my dd and my DSD who stays with us every other weekend) needed wardrobe overhauls. DH and I decided that we'd spend around £80 each because money's been a bit tight recently because his hours have decreased.

Anyway, I recently signed up to very.co.uk and got a rather large credit limit. I decided that as my DD hasn't been treated much recently I would blow the budget and ended up spending around £300 on her new wardrobe Blush

I didn't think it was a big deal as it's no actual outlay of money yet! and I got it on "pay nothing for 12 months" so we can pay it off monthly with no interest for the year. Bless her, DD even said she's use some of her pocket money to pay it off each month as there was one thing she really wanted that I didn't think was that essential. (Damn Superdry!)

Anyway, I've started WW3. DSD is sulking because her clothes aren't as nice as DDs and she didnt get as treated as DD did.

I think I might be being a bit unreasonable but I don't think I deserve this lashing!

OP posts:
knowitallstrikesagain · 21/03/2012 13:46

YABU for going over budget

YANBU to spend more on clothes for your DD

knowitallstrikesagain · 21/03/2012 13:49

Sorry, the rest of this disappeared!

Your DD gets the majority of clothes from you as she is with you full time.

Your DSD should get the majority of her clothes from her mum as she is there most of the time.

It would be diplomatic not to make this obvious though, and spread out anything you have bought for your DD over a few weeks, reminding her that you have bought her these things because she needed them. This way they look like necessary clothes rather than gifts.

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 13:52

Yabu to firstly spend that on a child especially after you agreed to a budget with your dh for both girls and to spend more on your dd buying her nicer clothes than your dsd. You should and your dd should pay for her c,others not your dh as its not fair that dad is paying for one dd and not the other, or buy dsd same amount of clothes in money as your dd.

mynewpassion · 21/03/2012 13:52

Extremely unreasonable. Your DD is your DH's stepdaughter. Just as his DD is your stepdaughter. Your ex pays for maintenance for your daughter. Your DH pays maintenance for his daughter.

The agreed budget is coming from, presuming, joint account (if its not, then ignore) and you agreed to a budget for both girls, then you should have stuck to it.

Does your DH know what your have done? What was his reaction?

shewhowines · 21/03/2012 13:52

Hang on. Op said that DD doesn't live with them 100% of the time either. She goes to her dads. So both children have another parent/household buying clothes for them. But both children have a full wardrobe at their house.

Definitely YABU unless DD spends significantly more time at yours that DSD.

DSD - 2 days out of 14
DD - ? out of 14

Tryharder · 21/03/2012 13:54

YABU. There was a plan to spend x amount of each girl and you should have stuck to that. Not very fair if DSD is wearing Primark and your own DD is in Superdry.

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 13:57

You are all saying what about dsd mother paying £300 for clothes, what if she can't afford it and struggling financially so won't have the same type of clothes as your dd,,

knowitallstrikesagain · 21/03/2012 13:58

Have made an awful lot of assumptions.

  1. Assuming that your DD is your partner's biological daughter
  2. That your DD lives with you the majority of the time

Please clear this up and then I will make up my mind.

shewhowines · 21/03/2012 14:01

Page 2 at 11.09

Op said DD not living with them 100% of the time

pictish · 21/03/2012 14:04

Hmm...well Piglet I think that is the concern of the OP's dh tbh.
The OP isn't obliged to keep her dsd in the same labels as she buys her own daughter. If the sd's mother can't afford the same, it's awkward perhaps, and a shame....but it's also the luck of the draw and not the OP's responsibility.

If the dh wants to redress the balance then that's grand. If I were a stepmother however, I wouldn't stop buying my kids stuff from Next, because my stepchild's mother's budget was for Primark...iyswim?

Shriekable · 21/03/2012 14:08

I think that the money spent on DSD by her own mother is irrelevant - you really can't use that as a reason for spending such a huge amount on your DD and a fraction of the amount on DSD. Your DH is father to them both and so they really should be treated equally, whether or not they both reside with him full time. A friend of mine had a situation a few years ago where her DD came home from her father's one weekend in a right state, as her ex DH and his wife had taken her & her 2 step siblings shopping, and had spent twice as much on their own kids than they did on my friend's DD. the father had said 'you'll have to get your DM to spend the rest on you', but my friend didn't have the spare cash. I know it's difficult but you really need to treat them the same (even if you might not want to!)

shewhowines · 21/03/2012 14:10

But that's my point
DH is not father to DD

LIZS · 21/03/2012 14:13

The debate as to what was a "fair" amount for each giurls , given other parental and residential; circumstances, should have been had before the budget was agreed - perhaps giving each the option to have a speical item if they contributed. However this is a different issue to the real one here which is that op then unilaterally disregarded what had been agreed at the expense of the budget and her dh and dsd' s feelings. So she doesn't like her dsd complaining.

BuntyPenfold · 21/03/2012 14:16

I agree with pictish
The OP can spend what she likes on her own child - though personally I wouldn't buy unnecessary stuff on credit.
DSD's mother can spend whatever she likes on her own child.
How can this even be monitored by the OP? How will she know what clothes and gifts are in other wardrobes elsewhere?

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 14:19

The way it was done was wrong, getting both girls new wardrobes at the same time, spending £300 on one in front of the other and only £80 on the other is just not fair. You could have taken your dd out another time without the knowledge of dd and bought her few extra items. Did you not buy your dsd even one nice item out of your £300 [ hmm]

Bletchley · 21/03/2012 14:19

But where oh where is the op?

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 14:20

Meant without the knowledge of your dsd

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 14:23

That's horrid shriek able what a nasty man

BuntyPenfold · 21/03/2012 14:23

But as far as I can tell, these girls are not related at all - my kids don't sulk because their cousins have more money, they know they can't have the same.

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 14:28

Cousins are different to siblings, do you think it's nice for the op to spend what is presumably both dh (dsd and dd dad) and her money on £300 of clothes on one and not the other, with their knowledge in front of them

BuntyPenfold · 21/03/2012 14:30

I don't think they are siblings - they have different parents, don't they? (I may have read it wrong - apologies if so).
They don't have a parent in common, so they are not related to each other.

mynewpassion · 21/03/2012 14:31

No, these girls aren't related but they are in the same family and same house with similar circumstances. The girls live with their biological mothers and both biological fathers have visitation rights and likely pays maintenance.

The OP can spend more on her daughter but she shouldn't have spent significantly more. Different from cousins living in different houses.

I think that if DH wants to spend or give 280 to his daughter from their joint account, OP's stepdaughter, to redress the imbalance, then the OP should not put up a fuss either.

MeconiumHappens · 21/03/2012 14:33

YANBU with regard to spending more on dd than dsd. If your partner pays maintenance then dsd should have a wardrobe at home which her mum is responsible for and dad conributes to through maintenance. She is also only with you part time so shouldnt need a full wardrobe with you.

However, you were very unsubtle with how you went about it, both in making it so obvious to both girls and going against what you had agreed with partner.

Your financial sense needs looking at also!

pigletmania · 21/03/2012 14:34

They are, half siblngs as they share the same dad

D0oinMeCleanin · 21/03/2012 14:35

'my kids don't sulk because their cousins have more money' that would depend on how close the cousins are I guess.

My two are very close with their cousins and I have felt it neccessarry to apologise to my sister in advance for the impending doom that is Lelli Kelly shoes that my two will be getting in the coming weeks because her oldest wants some and will sulk when mine have them and put pressure on her mum to get her some.

My poor sister is skint but our kids do like to try and keep up with each other. I've had dd1 come home crying because DN has just recieved a large parcel from Next and it included the playsuit she has wanted for months and she has had DN beg for the same school pinafore that dd1 wears.

Luckily it's DNs birthday soon and I am the best Aunty in the world, with access to M and M Direct and other designer discount shops Smile.